The Story You Tell Yourself

The most impactful story in your life is the story you tell yourself.

~~ Watch the Video ~~

 

Scriptures:

• Genesis 25:21-28
• Genesis 48:17-19
• Genesis 32:24-29
• Psalms 118:8
• Luke 12:6-7
• John 13:35
• 1 Corinthians 13:7
• Isaiah 41:10

 

What type of things do people say when they have negative self talk?

 

Outline:

• Review
• Jacob and Esau
• The Importance of Names
• Your Inner Critic
• The Story You Tell Yourself
• The Dependence story
• The Unworthy story
• The Disconnection story
• The Mistrust story
• The Failure Story
• Favored By God

 

Review

Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

 

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from past experiences/wounds 

Traits of Wholeness

1. Authenticity 
2. Honesty
3. Not seeking external approval / validation 
4. Living by values and principles 
5. Kindness
6. Setting Boundaries
7. Living with Purpose and Passion
8. Optimism 
9. Confidence
10. Healthy relationships with both genders
11. Not losing control of your emotions
12. Free from addictions
13. Addressing Conflict
14. Vulnerability 
15. Non-Judgmental 
16. Not jealous

1. Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
16. Accept That God loves you as you are
17. Not afraid to fail
18. Free from irrational fear, worry, and anxiety 
19. Selfless encounters with others

 .                 You don’t give to get

22. Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions

23. Empathetic

 .                 You genuinely care about how others feel

Previous Lessons

• Introducing Wholeness
• Wounds From the Past
• How Emotional Wounds Impact Relationships
• Mindsets That Will Change Your Life
• Change Your Focus, Change Your Future
• How to Renew Your Mind
• It's Okay Not to be Okay
• Dealing With the Hurt
• Healing From the Hurt
• Fear and Shame

 

“We get more change by becoming deeply aware of who we are rather than  striving to become someone we are not.”

 

Jacob and Esau

 

Genesis 25:21-28

21 Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the LORD answered him and Rebekah his wife conceived.

22 But the children struggled together within her; and she said, “If it is so, why then am I this way?” So she went to inquire of the LORD.

23 The LORD said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb;

And two peoples will be separated from your body;

And one people shall be stronger than the other;

And the older shall serve the younger.”

24 When her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.

25 Now the first came forth red, all over like a hairy garment; and they named him Esau.

26 Afterward his brother came forth with his hand holding on to Esau’s heel, so his name was called Jacob; and Isaac was sixty years old when she gave birth to them.

27 When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field, but Jacob was a peaceful man, living in tents.

28 Now Isaac loved Esau, because he had a taste for game, but Rebekah loved Jacob.

• She was worried about babies.  God was thinking about nations.

 

Favoritism

Psychologists say that sibling rivalry is an inevitable outcome of parents favoritism.  

 

Why did Jacob love Esau?

• Isaac was a skilled hunter and Esau had a taste for game
• He was the oldest

 

Why do you think Rebekah loved Jacob?

• God said the older shall serve the younger.
• Youngest  

 

Oldest Child

What was the significance of the birth order?

 

Birthright

The oldest child had the birthright 

• Guaranteed double portion of family inheritance
• Leader of the family clan after the father dies
• God‘s covenant promise that he gave to Abraham of a spiritual blessing

 

How does birth order impact us today?

• Oldest child gets respect - Asia, Africa 
• Firstborn son is usually the one named Junior

 

Example: 

• Let the second child cry through the night
• First child was rewarded for crying

Outcome of Jacob and Esau

 

Jacob got

• Birthright - double portion
• Blessing - from God through Abraham

 

Youngest Was Favored

In the book of Genesis, in a number of stories, the youngest son usurps the elder for the twin prizes of the father’s blessing and a double portion of the “birthright” or inheritance.

 

Others in Bible who were youngest

• Isaac and Ishmael 
• Jacob and Esau
• David 
• Joseph
• Moses has two older siblings, Miriam and Aaron
• Ephraim and Manasseh

 

Genesis 48:17-19

17When Joseph saw that his father had placed his right hand on Ephraim’s head, he was displeased and took his father’s hand to move it from Ephraim’s head to Manasseh’s. 18“Not so, my father!” Joseph said. “This one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head.”

19But his father refused. “I know, my son, I know!” he said. “He too shall become a people, and he too shall be great; nevertheless, his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his offspring shall become a multitude of nations.”

 

Symbolic of Israel

Judah and Israel were vulnerable to larger more powerful countries:

• Egypt
• Babylon 
• Persia

 

God as supporting the more unlikely hero was symbolized in God favoring the younger son

 

Results of Favoritism

 

Does it matter whether you are your father‘s favorite or your mothers?

 

A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror, that confidence of success that often induces real success.

—Sigmund Freud

 

The way your parents perceived you and treated you can have impacts the last for the rest of your life

 

God’s Favor

• God favored Isaac
• Because he was the child God promised
• David wasn’t favored by his father 
• but he was favored by God

 

God’s favor supersedes family favor

The Importance of Names

Genesis 32:24-29

24 Afterwards, Jacob went back and spent the rest of the night alone.

A man came and fought with Jacob until just before daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not win, he struck Jacob on the hip and threw it out of joint. 26 They kept on wrestling until the man said, “Let go of me! It’s almost daylight.”

“You can’t go until you bless me,” Jacob replied.

27 Then the man asked, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 The man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob. You have wrestled with God and with men, and you have won. That’s why your name will be Israel.”

29 Jacob said, “Now tell me your name.”

“Don’t you know who I am?” he asked. And he blessed Jacob.

 

Esau = hairy

Edom = Red

Jacob = trickster

Israel = a man who wrestles with God

God changed Jacob’s name to Israel

Why did god change people's names in the Bible?

• It was tied to their character
• It was tied to their destiny

Example: Porsche

• She fast

 

How does your name impact how you see yourself?

 

Example: crazy Larry

 

Nicknames affect your self perception?

• Actions
• Identity 

 

Your name and your identity affect the story that you tell yourself about yourself.

• The way you perceive yourself
• The way others perceive you

 

How are we impacted by the way that others perceive us?

• Teachers think that you are mentally challenged
• The coach thinks that you are a star
• Your parents think that you are a failure

Your Inner Critic

“Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t you’re probably right”

 

Your inner critic is based off of your idealized sense of self. 

• perfect version of you 
• never fails at anything 
• receives the adoration of everyone for being a master at everything

 

Your inner critic is the self doubt that causes us to question our intuition and instincts.  

 

It is the narrative of comparison and judgment that stifles creativity replacing it with self-doubt and shame.  

 

The basic message of the inner critic is 

“you are not good enough and you are incapable of becoming good enough “

 

We say

• “Man you’re stupid”
• “Dummy you did it again”
• “I can’t believe you ate the whole thing fatty”

 

The words of

• Your parents
• Your teacher
• Your sports coach
• A religious leader
• Your boss
• A trusted friend
• Mean kids

 

Have you paid attention to the things that you say to yourself? 

• If you said the things to yourself to someone else what they hit you?
• Would you even say those things to someone else?

Negative Bias

We have a negativities bias

 

We are pre-programmed to pay more attention to the negative things in life than the positive things in life

... It’s a survival mechanism.

 

it’s more important to pay attention to the saber tooth tiger then to the berries on the tree

 

Mood

Your mood impacts how you view the world.   

 

Example: judge

• The study showed that you were more likely to get granted parole if you saw the judge right after he had eaten lunch
• The least likely was right before lunch

 

Moods can also impact your decisions

 

Reticular Activating System

 

Focused by

• Your mind chatter
• Beliefs
• The story we tell ourselves

 

Solution

• Self awareness
• Pay attention to it

 

Just notice it

 

Once we realize it our default response is to try to fight the inner critic or prove it wrong. 

• This just puts you into the trap of thinking that you were not good enough and you have to change.  
•  It opposes the you are already good enough voice. 

 

We can’t become our full self in an environment of judgment and comparison.  

 

We get more change by becoming deeply aware of who we are rather than  striving to become someone we are not.  

 

The Story You Tell Yourself

The most impactful story in your life is the story you tell yourself

 

Self story is a story we tell ourselves about

• Who we are
• Why we are or aren’t good enough

 

We Often beat ourselves up

Effects

The stories you tell yourself can lead to

• Low self-esteem
• Headaches
• Panic attacks
• Not speaking up for what you believe in, in a relationship
• Low self compassion
• Impacts our emotional state

• Causes anxiety disorders
• Self loathing

Causes

Many or Early Negative Experiences

 

Life is a mixture of positive and negative experiences.

 

If you have enough positive experiences to fill your emotional cup you can process the negative experiences and can compartmentalize them in a way that they don’t dictate every aspect of your adult life. The negative aspects have a their place but you are able to shake them off

 

If you had the majority negative experiences where you had an early traumatic experience that disrupted your emotional development your imprint becomes predominantly negative and it affects the way that you interact in the present day. So instead of having an emotional cup that is easy to refill you have a hole in the bottom.

 

Emotional Reasoning 

Emotional reasoning is a thinking pattern where your mind believes that your emotions reflect reality.

• I feel scared so I must be in danger
• I feel guilty so I must’ve done something wrong

 

Sometimes these are 

• emotions that pop into your mind 
• triggered by an unconscious thought 
• based on something from the past

 

This can cause you to misinterpret your current situation based an emotion that is unrelated 

 

The Dependence story

Story

• I can’t cope with being alone
• I can’t trust my own judgment
• I need someone to take care of me and make me happy
• Life is too overwhelming to cope with on my own

Cause

Early experiences of being overprotected in a way that didn’t allow you to take appropriate risks and learn from your mistakes

 

If you were blocked from making your own decisions and not being allowed to fall down you don’t learn how to stand back up and be resilient

Ask yourself

• How can you gradually take on more responsibilities?
• What are some small ways that you can challenge yourself to do something outside of your comfort zone?
• What can you do to enjoy your solitude more?

Action??

Self soothing 

 

You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself so you can be able to soothe yourself and break away from this pattern of being too dependent on someone else to meet your needs

Scripture 

Psalms 118:8

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD

Than to trust in man.

The Unworthy story

Story

• I’m flawed
• I’m unlovable
• I am damaged
• I am less than 

 

Cause

• High standards placed on you
• constantly criticized or compared to others

 

parent - pushing you to do better  

• This is often is an expression of their own issues

 

Other Children

• They can perpetuate an insecurity that you feel about yourself

 

Church?

 

Ask yourself

Who's voice do you hear when you say these things to yourself?

 

What scenario do you envision when you hear yourself feeling this way?

 

Action

The negative things that you believe about yourself are based on the negative beliefs that someone else passed on to you.

Scripture 

Luke 12:6-7

6 “Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

7 “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

 

The Disconnected story

Story 

• No one understands me
• I rarely feel close to people
• I feel like there’s an invisible barrier between me and other people

 

This can look like

• Keeping yourself at an arm's distance in relationship to keep from opening up
• Focusing on other peoples flaws and exaggerating the differences between you and them

Cause

• Having insecurities about yourself
• Not having your feelings validated
• A part of your personality style not to be open with people

Ask Yourself 

How does this help you from being hurt by others?

 

What can you do to feel connected?

• Improving the quality of your conversations can help

 

Do you discount similarities?

 

Action

What small steps can you take to be more connected to people?

 

Are  you pushing people away by magnifying differences and making them deal breakers?

Scripture

John 13:35

35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

 

The Mistrust story

Story

• Most people will use or hurt you
• You need to stay on guard to protect yourself
• People only do or think nice things when they want to get something out of you

Looks Like

• Relationship where you question the other person's loyalty
• Repeated relationships where you tolerate unacceptable behavior from the person

 

These exploitation of relationships reinforce your mistrust of people

Cause

• This is developed from a deep-seated belief that there is no one looking out for your best interest.
• This can come from a traumatic experience or from neglect.
• This can be from a selfish parent who always disappoints you or ignores you.

 

Ask Yourself

Is this pessimistic thinking?

• Pessimistic as when your mind focuses on the negative and ignores the positive

 

How have people shown they are trustworthy?

• Following through on something they said they would do
• Showing up on time

 

Are you reacting to a present situation as if you were in the past?

• You are not judging the per current person on the merits of their behavior

Action

Start keeping the promises you make to yourself

Scripture

1 Corinthians 13:7

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

The Failure Story

Story

• There’s no point in trying because I’m just going to fail
• I never seem to get things right
• What if people realize I’m not as good as they think I am

 

This looks like

• Passing up on opportunities because you are afraid to fail
• Creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by giving it a little effort or sabotaging your own efforts so that you do end up failing

 

There’s a difference in being mediocre in terms of achievement versus believing that you are a failure in most things.

 

If you have enough self-esteem you will be able to fail more than once without those failures becoming your identity.

 

Your reaction to failure shapes your long-term outlook. If you tend to focus on negative aspects of things or tend to have black-and-white thinking you are more prone to internalize the failures

 

Causes

You may have had a series of failures that weren’t balanced by an appropriate level of validation. If you fail enough you start to believe that you will always fail.

 

Ask Yourself

What would you say to a friend if they were in your situation?

• Would you tell them not to try or would you explain to them the benefits of giving it a chance?

 

Who’s voice are you hearing?

• They may not of said the same thing that you are saying but they made you feel there was no point in you doing something  because you don’t do things well or you never follow through with things

Action

• Trust that God will work it to your best
• Learn to think positively
• Examine the worst case scenario
• Have a back up plan

Scripture

Isaiah 41:10

10 Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be afraid, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, I will also help you,

I will also uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

 

Favored By God

Many of the stories that we tell ourselves are caused by

•  The way that our parents treated us.  
• How we were compared to our siblings
• Whether or not we needed to perform to get love
• Whether we felt abandoned

 

Some of our parents did unthinkable traumatic things to us.   Some were out of neglect and others were caused by them being unprepared for parenthood and just not knowing how to raise a child.

 

Our character, our identities, and our view of the world was shaped by how we were treated by

• Parents
• Caregivers
• Teachers
• Other children
• Authority figures

 

We discussed that being favored by your parents can put you at an advantage in life.

 

In bible times, the Jewish culture favored the oldest child.  The oldest child was to be given a double portion of the inheritance and became the leader of the family when the parents passed away.   

 

In many cases, God decided that He would put the younger sibling over the elder 

 

What this teaches us is that regardless of how you were regarded by your parents or your family of origin, what matters is how God sees you.

 

God’s favor is much more advantageous than being favored by 

• your parents
• your family
• Your peers 
• Your neighbors 
• Your church friends
• Your coworkers 

 

The fact that you chose God is proof that God chose you

 

Know that

• God values you
• God loves you
• God wants the best for you

 

If God be for you then who can be against you

References

6 Negative Stories You Tell Yourself And How To Change Them

Dr. Tracey Marks

 

https://www.bibleodyssey.org/en/people/related-articles/sibling-rivalries-and-younger-sons

 

This talk isn’t very good. Dancing with your inner critic: Steve Chapman: TEDTalk

https://youtu.be/lnf-Ka3ZmOM

 

The stories we tell ourselves

Jody Rogers?

Ted X Berkeley Valencia

 

Decisions That Make a Difference 

Jacob and Esau

Mycschurch

 

Re-scripting the stories we tell ourselves

Colleen George TEDTalk Rutgers

Extra

The parents taught them how to move ahead through deception

Rebecca thought she was accelerating destiny but all she did was divide the two boys

 

Jacob was on the run

 

It was with the blessing that Isaac gave him that made him great it was a blessing that God gave him after asking him his name and wrestling

 

Parents Favor

Joseph

Genesis 37:3-4

3Now Israel loved Joseph more than his other sons, because Joseph had been born to him in his old age; so he made him a robe of many colors. 4When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.

• He was Israel and Rachel’s favorite

God’s Favor

 

Malachi 1:2-3

2 “I have loved you,” says the LORD. But you say, “How have You loved us?” “Was not Esau Jacob’s brother?” declares the LORD. “Yet I have loved Jacob;

3 but I have hated Esau, and I have made his mountains a desolation and appointed his inheritance for the jackals of the wilderness.”

 

Leon Morris cites examples where hate clearly seems to mean something like "loved less" (Genesis 29:31-33, Deuteronomy 21:15, Matthew 6:24, Luke 14:26, John 12:25). Yet he agrees with Calvin's idea that the real thought here is much more like "accepted" and "rejected" more than it is like our understanding of the terms "loved" and "hated."

 

"A woman once said to Mr. Spurgeon, 'I cannot understand why God should say that He hated Esau.' 'That,' Spurgeon replied, 'is not my difficulty, madam. My trouble is to understand how God could love Jacob.'"

—David Guzik study guide

 

Disapproval of Marriage

Gen 26:34

34 When Esau was forty years old he married Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite;

35 and they brought grief to Isaac and Rebekah.

Gen 28:6-7

6 Now Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him away to Paddan-aram to take to himself a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he charged him, saying, “You shall not take a wife from the daughters of Canaan,”

7 and that Jacob had obeyed his father and his mother and had gone to Paddan-aram.

Marrying Laban Daughter

Genesis 27

41 So Esau bore a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him; and Esau said fnto himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

42 Now when the words of her elder son Esau were reported to Rebekah, she sent and called her younger son Jacob, and said to him, “Behold your brother Esau is consoling himself concerning you by planning to kill you.

43 “Now therefore, my son, obey my voice, and arise, fnflee to Haran, to my brother Laban!

44 “Stay with him a few days, until your brother’s fury fnsubsides,

45 until your brother’s anger fnagainst you subsides and he forgets what you did to him. Then I will send and get you from there. Why should I be bereaved of you both in one day?”

46 Rebekah said to Isaac, “I am tired of fnliving because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife from the daughters of Heth, like these, from the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?”

After Sending Jacob off to her brothers place she told Isaac that she didn’t want him to marry a daughter of health. Could it be the part of the reason sent him to Laban was so that he could marry one of his daughters?

She didn’t talk to Isaac about concerned for Jacob safety but instead about concerned that Jacob would marry a Canaanite.

        41. Esau hated Jacob--It is scarcely to be wondered at that Esau resented the conduct of Jacob and vowed revenge.

      The days of mourning for my father are at hand--a common Oriental phrase for the death of a parent.

      42-45. these words of Esau were told Rebekah--Poor woman! she now early begins to reap the bitter fruits of her fraudulent device; she is obliged to part with her son, for whom she planned it, never, probably, seeing him again; and he felt the retributive justice of heaven fall upon him heavily in his own future family.

      45. Why should I be deprived of you both?--This refers to the law of Goelism, by which the nearest of kin would be obliged to avenge the death of Jacob upon his brother.

      46. Rebekah said to Isaac--Another pretext Rebekah's cunning had to devise to obtain her husband's consent to Jacob's journey to Mesopotamia; and she succeeded by touching the aged patriarch in a tender point, afflicting to his pious heart--the proper marriage of their younger son.