Practical
steps to changing your negative self talk.
~~ Watch the Video ~~
Outline:
Introduction
Defining Wholeness
The Story You Tell Yourself Review
Our Inner Critic
The Story You Tell Yourself
The Dependence Story
The Unworthy/Defective Story
The Disconnection Story
The Mistrust Story
The Failure Story
The Abandonment Story
Practical Steps to Healing
Relinquish Identify Inner vows
Observe the thoughts
R.A.I.N.
Coping Statements
The Practice of Gratitude
Focus on Strengths
Journaling
Envisioning Activity
Conscious Community
Scriptures:
Romans 12:2
Psalms 118:8
Luke 12:6-7
Proverbs 18:1
1 Corinthians 13:7
Isaiah 41:10
Deuteronomy 31:6
2 Corinthians 10:5
2 Corinthians 7:9-10
Introduction
How many people judge yourself too much?
Romans 12:2
2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
The thoughts we think and the stories we tell ourselves are influenced by
Our past experiences
Past relationships
These stories impact how we view
Ourselves
Others
God
Example: my mother didn’t call me back
She’s so forgetful
She’s might have had a heart attack
She never pays her bills
She must be busy. She’ll call me when she’s free.
Oh no she was kidnapped!
Maybe she was abducted by aliens
She never liked me. She always liked my sister more.
When you feel stressed or anxious there’s usually a combination of emotion and thoughts associated with the negative emotions.
Even though the emotions is valid, the thought can be distorted in some way
In this lesson we will look at how to change the thoughts we use to process the emotions we feel
Defining Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
Wholeness is about being _______ healthy
spiritually
emotionally
mentally
Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from past experiences/wounds
Traits of Wholeness
Authenticity
Honesty
Kindness
Not seeking external approval / validation
Living by values and principles
Setting Boundaries
Living with Purpose and Passion
Optimism
Confidence
Healthy relationships with both genders
Not losing control of your emotions
Free from addictions
Addressing Conflict
Vulnerability
Non Judgmental
Not jealous
Genuinely applaud the success of others
Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
Accept that God loves you as you are
Not afraid to fail
Free from irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
Selfless encounters with others
You don’t give to get
Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
Guilt tripping
Omitting information
Empathetic
You genuinely care about how others feel
We want to focus on understanding where we are today
Not by focusing on what we are not but should be
“We get more change by becoming deeply aware of who we are rather than striving to become someone we are not.”
The Story You Tell Yourself Review
Favoritism
Jacob and Esau
Genesis 25:21-28
Rebecca favored Jacob
Isaac favored Esau
Favoritism causes Sibling rivalry
The way your parents perceived you and treated you can have impacts that last for your entire life
A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror, that confidence of success that often induces real success.
—Sigmund Freud
Our Inner Critic
The negative criticism you tell yourself is often the voice of someone from your past
Self talk:
Nobody wants me
I’m stupid
I’m ugly
I will never get married
It’s not safe to trust anyone
I’m powerless
I am helpless
There is no future for me
These are often The words of
Parents
Teacher
Sports coach
religious leader
Boss
trusted friend
Mean kids
Your belief about other people and relationships was formed largely based on your interaction with your caregivers
A child believes that everything that happens is because of them
Many times your view of yourself is caused by your early childhood experiences
Questions to Ask Yourself
Who's voice do you hear when you say these things to yourself?
What scenario do you envision when you hear yourself feeling this way?
The Story You Tell Yourself
If you have low self-worth criticism becomes damaging rather than just being feedback.
When you have a negative opinion of yourself like If you feel unworthy it doesn’t matter what someone says or doesn’t say you feel that way at baseline.
That feeling of inadequacy shapes
The company you keep
The opportunities that you make yourself available for
The decisions that you make
These stories we tell ourselves create:
anxiety
Self-doubt
impacts
Self worth
Self confidence
How you view yourself
Perception of the world
The Dependence story
I can’t cope with being alone
I can’t trust my own judgment
I need someone to take care of me and make me happy
Life is too overwhelming to cope with on my own
Questions to Ask Yourself
How can you gradually take on more responsibilities?
What are some small ways that you can challenge yourself to do something outside of your comfort zone?
What can you do to enjoy your solitude more?
Action
You need to learn to be comfortable with yourself so you can be able to soothe yourself and break away from this pattern of being too dependent on someone else to meet your needs
Scripture
Psalms 118:8
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
Than to trust in man.
The Unworthy/Defective Story
I’m flawed
I’m unlovable
I am damaged
I am less than
If people knew me they would reject me
Questions to Ask Yourself
How will you know when you are accepted/acceptable?
Who in your past made you feel defective?
Are there alternate explanations?
How can you silence those old tapes?
That’s not me anymore
It doesn’t really matter
Who in your past has been accepting and supportive?
Who in your present is accepting and supportive?
Maybe it is acceptance in one area of your life and not across-the-board
How can you start accepting yourself?
Ask yourself what about you is lovable?
Actions
Understand that nobody is perfect
Do you believe the people can see your human imperfections and still love you?
How would you be different if you knew the people that cared about you would never leave you or stop loving you no matter what?
Scripture
Luke 12:6-7
6 “Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.
7 “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
The Disconnection Story
No one understands me
I rarely feel close to people
I feel like there’s an invisible barrier between me and other people
I don’t get the love I need
Nobody cares about me or even tries to meet my needs
Ask Yourself
Does not interacting with people help you from being hurt by others?
What can you do to feel connected?
Do you discount similarities?
Focus on differences
What does it look like when someone understands you and meets your needs?
Who in the past failed to meet your needs emotionally, and how can you deal with that now?
Who in your past has understood you?
Who in your present understands and cares about you?
How can you start better understanding yourself and taking care of you?
What are you doing in your relationships that isn’t productive and is overwhelming you?
What can you do to start getting your needs met?
The first step is recognizing what your needs are
Story: Keith wife - introverts need alone time
Action
What small steps can you take to be more connected to people?
Are you pushing people away by magnifying differences and making them deal breakers?
How can you improve the quality of your conversations
Scripture
Proverbs 18:1
One who separates himself seeks his own desire;
He quarrels against all sound wisdom.
The Mistrust story
Most people will use, hurt or take advantage me
I need to stay on guard to protect myself
People only do or think nice things when they want to get something out of me
People will reject me
People will not be there when I need them
Questions to Ask Yourself
Is this pessimistic thinking?
Pessimistic as when your mind focuses on the negative and ignores the positive
How have people shown they are trustworthy?
Following through on something they said they would do
Showing up on time
Are you reacting to a present situation as if you were in the past?
You are not judging the current person on the merits of their behavior
What does it look like when someone is trustworthy and safe?
Who in your past was untrustworthy or unsafe?
What did they do that taught you people were untrustworthy or dangerous?
What are alternate explanations?
Who in your past has been trustworthy and safe?
Who in your present is available and trustworthy?
Are you more afraid of being hurt than you are of being alone?
What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest?
Do you lie to yourself and say you don’t need anybody?
How does your distrust impact your current relationships?
What could you do differently?
Actions
Earn your own trust
When you don’t trust yourself that means you can’t trust your own internal cues.
Surround yourself with a couple of trustworthy people
Scripture
1 Corinthians 13:7
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
The Failure Story
I don’t measure up
I am not able to succeed
There’s no point in trying because I’m just going to fail
I never seem to get things right
What if people realize I’m not as good as they think I am
Questions to Ask Yourself
What would you say to a friend if they were in your situation?
What does it look like to be successful?
What in your past made you feel like a failure?
What are alternate explanations/ways of viewing it?
What have you succeeded at in the past?
What are you good at in the present?
Pay attention to minimization
What does being successful mean in terms of your relationship with others?
Who are three successful people you know?
What makes them successful?
Does success = happiness?
What do your kids need to do to be successful?
Are you holding yourself to a higher standard than you are holding everyone else?
Action
Trust that God will work it to your best
Learn to think positively
Examine the worst case scenario
Have a back up plan
Register it as testing - not failure
Example: Kevin Hart went to a comedy club to try a new routine
Tried impressions
He bombed
Is he a failure?
No, he is winning
He’s just testing
Mentally break down the task into smaller pieces
Don’t view it as a single big task
The first task is to start the first step
Only focus on the next task
Scripture
Isaiah 41:10
10 Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, I will also help you,
I will also uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
The Abandonment story
Story
People don’t really care about me
No matter how good things seem it will never last
I am destined to end up alone
I worry about people I care about leaving or dying
Everybody leaves
I knew they weren’t going to stay anyway.
It was just a matter of time
Causes
Early Childhood
Caused early experiences with caregivers who were cold, distant or critical
In infancy and childhood if early caregivers were
Away for long periods (work, military, jail, choice, death)
Inconsistency or unpredictability physically or emotionally
Emotional distress
Addiction
Ill equipped to deal with a child
Felt Unwanted
Babies can feel rejection in the womb if their parents didn’t want to have them
The enemy will come in and tell you that nobody wants you
This can be the source of abandonment issues
Reasons could be
Was the child planned?
Was the child to sex that the parents wanted?
Were the parents married?
Did the parents plan to continue to be in a relationship with each other?
If your mother tried to abort you
There were some people who tried to commit suicide the same time every year. The study found that their mother had tried to have an abortion at that time
Later childhood
Bad fit in family/Black Sheep
Trauma that ruptures the relationship with the primary caregiver
Introduction of new, less emotionally or physically safe caregiver
Ask Yourself
Do you have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be?
In what ways could you practice being vulnerable so that you can open yourself up to experiencing more joy in a relationship?
How can you focus on developing more trust in a relationship?
What does it look like to be available - not abandon?
Who in your past left you or was unavailable emotionally?
What did they do to make you feel rejected/abandoned?
What are alternate explanations?
Who in your past has been available to you emotionally?
Who in your present is available to you emotionally?
What do you do in your current relationship that causes people to leave?
Did you Push them away? How? Alternatives?
Are you clingy? How? Alternatives??
Are you high maintenance?
Example: Text 50 times per day
What does that mean if they don’t do it? They don’t want you?
What would be a reasonable step down that will make you feel safe and not be overwhelming to the other person
Action
Your defensive reaction is to close down so that you don’t get hurt.
In order to counter this you have to become more emotionally vulnerable.
When triggered ask:
What am I feeling?
What is triggering it?
Am I safe emotionally and physically right now?
If not, what do I need to do?
Is this bringing up something from the past?
How is this situation different?
How am I different?
How can I silence the inner critic?
What would be a helpful reaction that…
Move you towards your goals
Moves toward a positive emotional experience
Scripture
Deuteronomy 31:6
6 “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”
Practical Steps to Healing
2 Corinthians 10:5
5We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ
We all have negative thoughts
We know they aren’t from Christ
How do we take them captive and put them to obedience?
Relinquish Identify Inner vows
What vows did you make as a child?
I am never going to let anyone see me cry
I will never neglect my children
I’ll never be like my dad
I’ll never be taken advantage of again
Are they still appropriate at this age?
Are you putting yourself in charge instead of God?
Observe the thoughts
This will defuse the intensity of the thought
Thoughts are Someone Else
Imagine your thoughts are in your mind being said by another person
funny character
an opera singer
Projecting your thoughts out of your head helps you reframe them
This trivialize is the thought by acknowledging that is not something you believe in your soul to be true
You can then thank your mind for telling you
Throw the Thoughts Away
Imagine yourself writing your thoughts on a piece of paper, bawling it up, and throwing it into a trash bin to gets dumped
If you have trouble visualizing it you can carry it out
R.A.I.N.
Identify the negative self talk
Pause
Examine the thought
Recognize
The first step is to learn to pause when you get caught in the self talk
Between the stimulus and response is a space...in that space is our power and our freedom
Allow
The experience to be just what it is
Stay with the painful experience
Investigate
Pay attention to what’s going on
What’s going on in my body and my heart right now
Recognize how painful it is
Recognize how long you’ve been feeling that you are not enough
Allow the Experience
Nurture
Nurture with self-compassion.
Ask Jesus to comfort you
View the Critic With Compassion
story: dog behind a tree
Leg is caught in a trap
Our judgment comes from some pain
Conviction vs Shame
2 Corinthians 7:9-10
9 I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us.
10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.
If the thought causes you to repent from sin then agree with it
If it’s convicting view it as good
If it’s condemning don’t come into agreement with it
Coping Statements
Distract Yourself From The thoughts
Replace the thoughts with coping statements.
These are premade thoughts that you can use
Create the statements when you are not in a state of distress or negative thinking
They need to sound like your own voice
Examples
My emotions do not reflect reality
I’m allowed to struggle It’s OK not to be OK
I don’t have the answer, but I can tolerate uncertainty
I accept who I am while I continue to improve myself
I am enough just as I am
God loves me just as I am
My past doesn’t define me
Whatever happens I will handle it
The Practice of Gratitude
We can spend so much time ruminating over the past or catastrophizing over the future that the present just goes right by us
Count your blessings before you go to sleep
Pay attention to the good things that are happening to you throughout the day
Practicing gratitude can give you
Greater self acceptance
Greater self-worth
Resilience
Optimism
Happiness
Reduced anxiety
Reduced envy
Reduce depression
Gratitude helps us restrict our story from having less than enough to having more than enough
Conscious Community
We discussed in a previous lesson that self consciousness and fear were two things that came into the world with the fall of Adam and Eve.
Self Consciousness
Our society feeds the sense of:
“I should be more“
“ I should be better“.
If we were content the economy would come to a halt.
We have a negative bias when we focus on what’s bad and we have a tendency to say...I’m bad
Most people don’t live a life as themselves and therefore will never experience what it is to live life as who they really are
We constantly have the feeling … “something is wrong with me“
People feel like… If someone got to know me they would reject me
Fear
Our culture is
Fear based
Overconsuming
The media is used to keep us in fear
When we are afraid we are in fight/flight our frontal cortex disconnects from the parts of our brain that have compassion. So we are separated from the part that allows us to be happy and free.
Conscious Community
Healthy relationships serve as a buffer against stress
This includes the relationship with yourself as well as other people
If you can’t support yourself emotionally then you will always be looking to others to fill an emotional need
We need to address the beliefs that were formed because of negative relationships
Conscious community can help
A group that:
Share our vulnerabilities
Mirror back to each other our goodness and appreciation
Face inevitable conflict to deepen understanding
Listen deeply
Bring a presence to your communication
The sense of belonging to each other wakes up our compassion networks
It makes us more capable of
Empathy
Forgiving
Embracing ourselves and each other
More Impactful than Self Awareness
12 Step programs are the most effective recovery technique
Alcoholics Anonymous
Story: Alcoholics Anonymous
David Tian couldn’t understand
A different persona
“Literally anything but yourself”
Spiritual growth
Self awareness is going deep within yourself. A conscious community does this in a group.
Benefit of a group:
You get to discuss your shame
Shame is based on keeping something hidden
You get other people’s feedback
Shared experience
Support
One of the most effective steps to healing would be to join a conscious community
A good start is coming here
References
6 Negative Stories You Tell Yourself And How To Change Them
Dr. Tracey Marks
Love me don’t leave me: addressing fears of abandonment
Don Ellis Snipes
Steps to manage negative thoughts
Dr. Tracie marks
Deliverance
Dewnamis
Waking up from the trauma of unworthiness
w/ Tara Brach
Wholeness
Toure Roberts
Fighting With Power
Unchained Disciples : Fighting With Power
The Story You Tell Yourself
Unchained Disciples : The Story You Tell Yourself
Extra
Fear - T. D. Jakes
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJt7Tdm5/
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