Practical steps to use when resolving conflicts
~~ Watch the Video ~~
- Traits of Wholeness
- Review Resolving Conflict Part 1
- Why We Have Conflict
- God’s Model For Resolving Conflict
- Strategies for Addressing Conflict
- God Can Use Conflict
- Matthew 18:15
- Romans 12:18
- Proverbs 28:13
- Matthew 18:15-17
- 1 Peter 4:8
- Proverbs 20:19
- Proverbs 26:22
- Proverbs 10:18
- Proverbs 18:17
- 1 Corinthians 5: 1-2
- Proverbs 19:11
- Proverbs 15:18
- Proverbs 12:18
- Proverbs 14:29
- Proverbs 18:2
- Proverbs 18:13
- Philippians 2:4
15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
United States spends $24 billion a year on work and family conflict
–Charles Irvine is an Expert in strategic conflict resolution
There are cultural differences in resolving conflict.
- Some cultures teach you to avoid conflict while others embrace it.
- In some cultures it’s rude to say “no”.
We’ll look at the biblical approach to conflict
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be _______ healthy
Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just supposed to have eternal life
- We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Learning not just what The Word instructs us to do, but learning how to implement it in our lives
Traits of Wholeness
- Not seeking external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Healthy relationships with others
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict with truth and love
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous
- Genuinely applaud the success of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
- You care about how others feel - empathy
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate directly
- Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
- Take responsibility for your own emotions
- Slow to anger
- Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
- Being led by the Spirit
Review Resolving Conflict Part 1
Steps to Reconciliation
- Ask God for wisdom
- Focus on reconciliation not “winning”
- Do your part
- Choose the right time
- Begin with what’s my fault
- Avoid offensive language
- Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
- Don’t respond harshly
- Seek to understand before seeking to be understood
- Listen to their heart and perspective
- Don’t dismiss their fears
- Don’t be self-centered
A False Peacemaker
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
A false peacemakers avoids conflict out of fear
Peacemaking is not
That’s not peacemaking… That’s cowardice
it’s not about always letting the other person get their way
Peacemaking is addressing the issue in an attempt to resolve it
Conflict is Necessary
Conflict is not always a bad thing
if you don’t have conflict… You don’t have a real relationship
Healthy relationships are marked by conflict
If you fight all the time it might mean that you haven’t learned how to resolve conflict
Problems With Not Addressing the Issue
- Not authentic
- Preventing reconciliation
Path to Avoiding Conflict
Clarify Your Assumption
Our assumptions are misrepresentation of reality
Assumptions may lead to believing a lie
Voice Unspoken Expectations
We expect other people to know what we want before we say it… Especially if they are invested in the relationship
Of course you are coming to the family event… We are important to you aren’t we?
Men should do…
A woman should …
When my mother passes away, I should get the house
If he really cared about me… he would call me
Expectations are only valid and they have been mutually communicated
Expectations need to be
Become Aware of Your Emotional Triggers
An emotional trigger is an intense reaction to something in the present that reminds us, consciously or unconsciously, of an event in our history
We haven’t healed from a wound from the past
You Don’t Realize You Were Triggered
Example: he’s got his phone on silent
- He’s a cheater
Become Aware of Biases
We draw conclusions from information so quickly that sometimes have a stereotype based on
- Behavior patterns
We step outside of the area of facts and make a judgment on their heart and their motivation
- Value statement
Example: purple shirt
- People who mistreat dogs wear purple shirts
- Tom is a bad person because he mistreats dogs…I can’t trust him
Example: you remind me of my dad
Establish Rules of Fair Play
In a relationship you need to establish ground rules of “fair communication“.
- You need to take some words and say that they are off-limit
Example: Don’t talk about mamas
3 Unhealthy Communication Practices
Silent Treatment / Stonewalling
They are giving bare minimum answers with little or no detail
Why People Give the Silent Treatment
- “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”
- hope that they will break down and concede to their wishes
- Physiologically flooded
- Overloaded with stress
- Freeze - fight, flight, freeze
Toxic if done as retaliation or manipulation
- Avoid conflict
- To not blow up
Contempt is criticism that comes with an element of superiority; one person expresses discontent by also using shame and mean-spirited sarcasm to put down another person.
Solution: Describe Your Own Feelings & Needs
I feel ___ when you ___
- I feel angry / hurt / disappointed when you…
- I feel ignored when you use your cell phone so much when we’re at dinner
I feel __ when you __, I wish…
- I feel disappointed that you didn’t trust me with that information…I wish you could share …
- I wish we could talk calmly about our schedules
Defensiveness is a reaction to (real or perceived) criticism
Defensiveness looks like:
- Taking on a victim mentality
- Be Open to Criticism
- Take Responsibility For Your Part
13One who conceals his wrongdoings will not prosper,
But one who confesses and abandons them will find compassion.
Take responsibility for what you did
Why We Have Conflict
Root of conflict
- Limited resources
- Time, money, property
- Unmet needs or expectations
- Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
- Different values
values = “shoulds“
- You should do this
- They should think this way
- You shouldn’t wear that
We need a balance between
- Our emotions
emotions help us identify
- our deep values
- things that need to change
Logic helps us
- identify the root of the conflict
- address the challenges
empathy helps us
- understand how others are affected
- validate them for feeling that way
Our feelings and perceptions are just as tangible as reality when it comes to conflict
It is almost impossible to be neutral in your own conflicts
God’s Model For Resolving Conflict
15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that ON THE TESTIMONY OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY MATTER MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, he is to be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
- Go alone and directly talk to the person.
- Go with 2-3 others if the issue isn’t resolved
- People they trust
- Take it to the church (when dealing with a believer)
- Break away from the relationship.
The goal is not so much to put the offender on trial, but to persuade the offender to see the wrong and to be reconciled.
Don’t Go to Others First
Why do we often go to other people first?
We do this to
- Gain advocates
- Plead our case
- Justify our emotions towards them
- hurt, betrayal or being wronged
- Slander the other person
Go To the Person Alone
Go first to your brother privately
The goal is reconciliation/restoration/resolution
- To make them feel bad
- To get an apology
- To win
If Involving Others
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
Example: Friend said he’d rather people look at him as a villain than his wife
Benefit of Bringing in Others
When you do this… It keeps the main thing the main thing
it keeps us dealing with the issue and not a personality conflict
One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip.
Why don’t we stop people from gossipping to us?
We don’t stop them because we want to hear it
- We’re nosy
The words of a gossiper are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.
Shut it Down
Example: Bible study member shut it down
and we need to stop people and tell them that they are gossiping.
- Ask them if they have gone to the other person.
Only talk to people who are part of the problem or part of the solution.
You are trying to restore him without ruining his reputation
Determine The Motive
18One who conceals hatred has lying lips,
And one who spreads slander is a fool.
If someone comes to you about an issue with someone else you need to access their motive
- Damage the reputation
Example: Sister telling me about church brother
Don’t Judge With Only One Side of the Story
The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.
You have to hear both parts of the story before you make a judgment
Take it to the Church
This is specifically talking about sin
1 Corinthians 5: 1-2
1 It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and sexual immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, namely, that someone has his father’s wife. 2 You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.
Example: expelling pastors
Example: this class
Strategies for Addressing Conflict
Overlooking an Offense
A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.
- Grocery store
- In line at Starbucks
Example: Jesus heard someone thinking
- “He’s got on some ugly sandals”
If the relationship matters you will need to address the issues. If the relationship doesn’t matter… Pursue peace.
If I’m at peace with me and with God small things don’t upset me
If you can overlook it you should
- If you can’t overlook it you need to have the conversation
- If you continue to think about it you have not overlooked it
If you bring it up when you finally get mad then you didn’t overlook it
Make the First Move
Conflict is never resolved accidentally
The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it
Why don’t we do it…fear
Fear makes you
Start With Affirmation
A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.
Begin conversation with affirmation
If you start a conversation threatening or negative it will end badly according to research
- The first 3 minutes of the conversation dictate the outcome
Your energy and emotions are contagious
If you come at the person negatively and threatening they will close up and there is no way that you can influence them
Communicate Your Complaints and Feelings without fixed Judgments or Interpretations
- Complaining is talking about me and my feelings
- Criticizing is talking about you and your behavior
Don’t try to interpret it or tell them what their motive was
- you don’t know their heart only they do
Example: don’t say “ you don’t care about anybody but yourself“
We get defensive when someone begins to accuse us
“You told me you would take out the trash and you didn’t. “
- That makes me feel stressed out because I have a lot to do.
- That also violates my trust because you didn’t do what you said you’d do.
- You never do anything around here.
- All responsibility is always on me
- You take advantage of me all the time.
- express what you noticed
- share your feelings
- state your need
Speak the Truth in Love
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
“I just tell it like it is“
- … That’s called being rude
If you say it offensively… It will be received offensively
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive
You never get your point across by being cross
Truth without love is resisted
Truth with love is received
Fix the problem, not the blame
The goal shouldn’t be to assign the blame on them
Attack the issue… Not the person
- Realize you were both on the same team
Be Slow to Anger
29 A patient man has great understanding,
but a quick-tempered man promotes folly.
Don’t be easily Irritated
Listen to Them
2A fool does not delight in understanding,
But in revealing his own mind.
Don’t be a fool
13One who gives an answer before he hears,
It is foolishness and shame to him.
A good listener makes the other person feel heard
As the listener… Put your own agenda on hold.
Reflect What They Say
Reflect the other person‘s words back to him or her.
- paraphrase in a way that the other person agrees is accurate
- Use his or her own words
When it appears that the speaker is done… Ask is there more
- That makes sense
- I can see that because…
- I can understand that because…
- That’s a good point
- That’s true
Remember They’re in Fight or Flight
Our amygdala reacts to emotional cues as if they were current and present danger
Reconsider what you said or are planning to say
Realize the other person will filter through their non-logical brain
What can be misconstrued?
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
It is not just about you… It is about them as well
Address the Elephant in the Room
Is there something important or true that needs to be said, but it is too uncomfortable?
We don’t like to say something that seems unkind
God Can Use Conflict
We often associate God with comfort and the devil with conflict
Sometimes the devil will make your life comfortable so that you come to the point where you don’t think you need God
We run from conflict and pray for blessings
We often run from what we are praying for
You don’t go to the gym and put down the weights because they are heavy and expect your muscles to grow
if you haven’t learned to deal with conflict in one relationship you will take it to the next because you haven’t learned to deal with the real conflict which is within
Learn how to resolve conflict and restore relationships With Rick Warren
Emotionally healthy spirituality
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Stop praying away conflict
Pastor Steven Furtick
Let’s resolve this - a biblical approach to relational conflict
Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle
Matthew 18:15 - 20
Calvary chapel Ontario
It is a trap for a man to say rashly, “It is holy!” And after the vows to make inquiry.
3Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;
keep watch at the door of my lips.
Watch Your Tone
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
90% of what people remember is not what you say, but how are you say it
Look For Their Perspective
Why would a smart person do such a stupid thing?
This can help you develop compassion for the annoying person
Usually caused by