Wednesday, October 28, 2020

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

When we are emotionally hurt and we pretend that we aren't ... it causes more hurt.

~~ Watch the Video ~~


  • Proverbs 18:14
  • Ephesians 4:29
  • Proverbs 14:10
  • Proverbs 20:9
  • Proverbs 14:9-10
  • Proverbs 15:13
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:18
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:3
  • Psalms 147:3
  • Jeremiah 17:14
  • Matthew 11:28-30
  • John 20:24-29


  • Review
  • Hurt Pride
  • Causes of Hurt
  • Signs That You’ve Been Hurt
  • God Can Heal You
  • Scars

What word is universally known in all languages?

  • Ok

Proverbs 18:14

      14The spirit of a man can endure his sickness,

            But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?

Emotional pain can be worse than physical pain


Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

  • spiritually
  • emotionally
  • mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from past experiences/wounds

Results of Wholeness

  • Break generational curses
  • Love your neighbor as yourself
  • You have joy and peace in your life

Traits of Wholeness

  • Authenticity
  • Honesty
  • Not seeking external approval / validation
  • Living by values and principles
  • Kindness
  • Setting Boundaries
  • Know how to say no
  • Living with Purpose and Passion
  • Optimism
  • Confidence
  • Healthy relationships with both genders
  • Not losing control
  • Anger
  • Free from addictions
  • Addressing Conflict
  • Vulnerability
  • Non Judgemental
  • Not jealous
  • Genuinely applaud the success of others
  • Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
  • Accept That God loves you as you are
  • Not afraid to fail
  • Free from irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
  • Selfless encounters with others
  • You don’t give to get
  • You don’t complain about not being appreciated

Previous Lessons

Hurt Pride

Ephesians 4:29

29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

There’s a saying “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”

  • is that true?

Three of the most common hurts include

  • Being treated in a way that is debasing
  • Lowering of someone in status, esteem, quality, or character.
  • Being ridiculed with piercing and diminishing words
  • Being unseen or unrecognized


  • Someone you are attracted to rejects you
  • Someone doesn’t return your call/text
  • Your boss yells at you
  • You get publicly embarrassed
  • They ignore your comments in a group

What types of things cause hurt?

  1. Words can be said and cause hurt.
  2. The absence of a response can cause hurt.  


3 responses to hurt/injustice/offense

  1. Be emotionally hurt
  2. Get angry
  3. Say you’re okay

Experience the Hurt

  • You cry
  • Get sad

Is crying a sign of weakness?

Story: used to be a cry baby

  • Became stoic


  • You let it out
  • You can investigate the emotion deeper to understand yourself


Anger is where we live when we are running from the reality of the hurt.  The transition from hurt to anger is how you  regain control after experiencing the shock of hurt.  Anger takes the power away from the one who wounded us and places the narrative about the hurt within our own sphere of control.  Anger pushes every possibility of wrongdoing or inadequacy about the hurt away from ourselves and onto the one from whom the hurt came. The one who devalued  is entirely at fault. The one who was hurt is entirely innocent.  

This temporary transfer to anger in the long range causes more damage because

  • The anger is contrived
  • The true and primary feelings is not hurt
  • Hurt will never be healed by anger

Being made whole after hurt requires an authentic encounter to the pain that you are feeling.  Burying and denying hurt only creates more dysfunction. Wholeness collaborates only with truths. It does not collaborate with dysfunctions we have created.  it takes courage and vulnerability to look hurt in the face and allow wholeness to not only reveal the truth to you but lead you through the healing process.  

  --Toure Roberts (from his book Wholeness)

Pretending to be Ok

You tell yourself

  • I don’t care
  • it didn’t matter anyway
  • I’m better off without them
  • It’s not a big deal

Stuff Our Emotions Inside

You never get to the deeper issue

  • Insecurity
  • Feeling of worthlessness
  • Feeling of abandonment
  • Feeling of not belonging

Causes of Hurt

Deep Hurt

We are all living with wounds, hurt, and disappointment.

  • Relationships
  • Disappointments in life
  • Traumatic incidents
  • Rape
  • Abuse
  • Molestation

Pretending to be Okay

How are you doing? I’m OK.… We keep telling the same lie

Even though we are broken on the inside we hide it on the outside.  

It’s hard to go about normal life and do the things we need to do.

  • It’s hard to do anything except for focus on the things causing pain and hurt.
  • We want to go back to the way it was before the brokenness and before the pain.

Have you ever been so emotionally hurt that it was hard to go on with your normal life?

Someone Hurt You

Proverbs 14:10

10The heart knows its own bitterness,

            And a stranger does not share its joy.

“It is often not the size of the hurt but the affection for the offender that determines the size of the bitterness”

The people we are most likely to get bitter against are the people whom we love most.  

Example: cheating

  • They were living a lie
  • You didn’t know them
  • Your judgment was wrong
  • You question what else you could be wrong about


Trust transforms the terrible complexity of a man to the simplicity of his word.  

  • Being able to trust someone at their word greatly simplifies your interaction with them.  
  • Trust makes the past truly a past and makes the best use of the future a possibility.  

Your Own Sin

Proverbs 20:9

   9Who can say, “I have cleansed my heart,

            I am pure from my sin”?

Bible Story: David and Bathsheba

  • Son died

Story: girl thought unwed pregnancy was God’s will

Bad Decisions

Proverbs 14:9-10

      9Fools mock at sin,

            But among the upright there is good will.

      10The heart knows its own bitterness,

            And a stranger does not share its joy.

Sowing and reaping

Some people don’t do maintenance on a relationship, their cars, their job, diet, finances.

Broken by Life

“Life is so hard that nobody gets out alive”

Proverbs 15:13

13A joyful heart makes a cheerful face,

            But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken

At various times we all experience a crushing. It can be

  • Financial
  • Emotional
  • Relational
  • Spiritual
  • Parental
  • Health

It wasn’t your fault

  • You really love your family member and they got sick
  • You really love your kids and they went prodigal
  • You were good with your finances and the market crashed

Believing a Lie

Who’s voice is loudest in your life?

  • The most powerful voice in your life is your voice.
  • The most powerful lies are about God and you.

Willful Blindness

Willful blindness is the refusal to know something that could be known.  

Example: Jehovah witnesses knocking at crack house

It’s a refusal to:

  • admit that’s a knocking sound means that there is someone at the door  
  • acknowledge the skeleton in the closet
  • admit to error in the plan  
  • acknowledge the red flags of a new lover
  • Acknowledge the flaws of your political candidate

Is there something about yourself that you refuse to believe?

Ideologies (Absolutes)

When we adopt a simple axiom

  • The government is bad
  • Immigration is bad
  • Capitalism is bad
  • The patriarchy is bad
  • This race is bad
  • This race is lazy
  • Working for “the man” is bad
  • Republicans/Democrats are bad

Then we filter and screen their experiences and insist that everything can be explained by that axiom.

We use conclusions to justify the proofs.  


  • Love is the most important thing

God’s Will

Everything bad that happens isn’t God’s will.

God’s will isn’t always done

It is true that we don’t always understand everything that God has planned.

  • Some things are God’s will that we don’t expect to be

Some things are meant to

  • Help you grow
  • Shape your character

But some things that are God’s don’t happen

1 Thessalonians 5:18

 18in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

  • Do you give thanks in everything?

1 Thessalonians 4:3

3For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;

Is it God’s will that we all remain celibate until we’re married?

  • Yes

So did everyone do that?

  • If not then God’s will wasn’t done
  • Was every Christian/human in existence?

Signs That You’ve Been Hurt

How do you know you’ve reached the point of someone’s hurt?

  • Signs of brokenness

They tend to overreact  

  • Their response is not appropriate to the situation
  • It’s because you are reacting to what happened prior as well

Example: killing for stepping on tennis shoes

Road Rage

How many of you have ever had road rage?

Anger triggers road rage.

  • Merge with an unsafe distance
  • Merge without signaling
  • Don’t go when the light changes
  • Someone honked at you
  • Going slow in the fast lane

Story: Project Manager at LA County

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)

Some psychologists believe that the mental illness, intermittent explosive disorder (IED), is the cause of road rage. In an individual with intermittent explosive disorder, the behavioral outbursts are out of proportion to the situation.

IED leads to uncontrolled explosive-outbursts of behavior including breaking things, throwing objects, inflicting physical harm. adult temper tantrums, fighting for no reason, road rage and domestic abuse. The outbursts typically last less than 30 minutes. After an outburst, an individual may feel a sense of relief – followed by regret and embarrassment.

Example: Church friend run over bicyclists

Defense Mechanisms

We develop our defense mechanisms when something hurts us in a way that we don’t want to feel again.  

Defensive Response

Have you ever heard somebody say…

“ you don’t want to see me when I’m angry“

The shadow self will be a different version of you

  • Angry you
  • Jealous you
  • Cheated on you

Pay attention to what things trigger your defensive response

  • Feeling rejected
  • Being lied to
  • Being disrespected
  • Normal day to day interactions

Suppressing Response

  • The part of you that holds yourself back
  • Self sabotaging you
  • Not expressing yourself in public
  • Denying that you feel anything at all

Judging Others

“I hate when people do  ______”

You need to ask yourself

  1. “What about this person that I am judging, am I judging within myself?“  
  2. What about this person is reflecting onto me the part that I have disowned within myself

Judging other Christians

  • What you want to do
  • What you used to do

Example: Ex girlfriend mad that sister in law was going to club

God Can Heal You

Psalms 147:3

      3He heals the brokenhearted

            And binds up their wounds.

Jeremiah 17:14

    14Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;

            Save me and I will be saved,

            For You are my praise.

Matthew 11:28-30

   28“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. 30“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”


John 20:24-29

24  But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

25 So the other disciples were saying to him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.”

26 After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus *came, the doors having been fnshut, and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.”

27 Then He *said to Thomas, “Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing.”

28 Thomas answered and said to Him, “My Lord and my God!”

29 Jesus *said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”

After we get wounds on our bodies, we often get healed

  • We may still have a scar
  • But the scars don’t hurt
  • We have the memory but it’s not painful anymore.

Living With Scars

There is evidence that the hurts from the past don’t go away and affect our present life.  

Everyone in life has suffered wounds, hurt, and disappointment.

Thomas Believed Because of the Scars

Thomas only believed because Jesus had the scars.

If the scars had been healed Thomas wouldn’t have believed.

Strengthen Your Brother

Could it be that your wounds and help you were going through is to help someone else in the body?

If you survive your deadly wounds just like with Jesus lives will be altered.

  • Jesus was healed of his deadly wounds, but he was not healed of his scars.

The scars became a testimony of God‘s ability to heal.  

Be Proud of Your Scars

We don’t have to be perfect.

Leave it uncovered so it can stay dry

We want to be whole, but we don’t have to be perfect

We are trying to get perfect restoration where nobody can tell we ever had a wound.  

We want everybody to think that we have the

  • picture perfect house
  • picture perfect marriage
  • picture perfect life

and say that because of my great faith no problem ever comes to my home.  

Scars are a testimony of God‘s ability to heal deadly wounds.  

  • Scars testify “this is what I overcame”
  • This is how bad it was and this is how good God has healed me.

Some people like Thomas will need to see your scars before they will ever believe.  

  • quit covering up your scars.  
  • they remind you of what you were healed from.

Wear them as a badge of honor.

Angel’s Devotional

You are being renewed day by day. So do not be weighed down by yesterday‘s failures and disappointments. Begin this day anew, seeking to please Me and walk in My ways—focusing on today!  As you do, I am able to transform you little by little. This is a lifelong process—a journey fraught with problems and pain. It is also a journey full of Joy and Peace because I am with you each step of the way.

Notice that you are being renewed. This is not something you can do by your effort and willpower alone. My Spirit is in charge of your renewal, and He is alive within you—directing your growth in grace.  Do not be discouraged when you encounter problems and pain along your way. These are vital parts of the renewal process. Muster the courage to thank Me when you are going through painful experiences. Find hope through trusting that I continually hold you by your right hand—and I am preparing you for Glory!

 “You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.“(Psalm 73:24)

 “We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” (2 Corinthians 4:16)

“This God is our God forever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.“ (Psalm 48:14)

Follow His ways!



Touré Roberts

How do you emotionally heal from hurt?

Mark Driscoll Ministries

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Road Rage

Shadow Work For Beginners - What It Is & How To Do It

"Deep Wounds, Deep Healing" with Jentezen Franklin


Intermittent Explosive Disorder

What causes intermittent explosive disorder?

The cause of intermittent explosive disorder is unknown, but some contributing factors have been identified. They include:

A genetic component (occurs in families)

Being exposed to verbal and physical abuse in childhood

Brain chemistry (varying levels of serotonin) can contribute to the disorder

Having experienced one or more traumatic events in childhood

A history of mental health disorders, including attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder

Nearly 82 percent of those with intermittent explosive disorder have also had depression, anxiety or substance abuse disorder

How common is intermittent explosive disorder?

It is estimated that between one to seven percent of individuals will develop intermittent explosive disorder during their lifetime.

Who is affected by intermittent explosive disorder?

Intermittent explosive disorder usually begins in the early teens, but can be seen in children as young as six. It is most common in people under the age of 40.


Individual experiencing intermittent explosive disorder may display one of more of the following symptoms:

  • Rage
  • Irritability
  • Increasing sense of tension
  • Racing thoughts
  • Increased energy
  • Tremors
  • Palpitations
  • Chest tightness
  • Temper tantrums
  • Shouting
  • Being argumentative
  • Getting into fights
  • Threatening others
  • Assaulting people or animals
  • Damaging property


Luke 21:31-32

31 “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; 32 but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”

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