Thursday, November 12, 2020

Dealing With the Hurt


We discuss signs that you haven't healed from your emotional wounds from the past.

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Dealing With the Hurt


  • Psalms 71:20-21
  • Proverbs 14:10
  • Proverbs 20:9
  • Proverbs 15:13
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:18
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:3
  • Psalms 147:3
  • Ephesians 4:31-32
  • Romans 12:19
  • Psalm 101:5
  • Proverbs 28:14
  • Isaiah 61:1-3


  • Review
  • Refusing to Acknowledge Issues
  • The Results of Being Hurt
    • Martyrdom
    • Become Angry and Bitter
    • Seek Revenge
    • Impacts Your Decision Making
    • Rebound Relationships
    • Develop a Hardened Heart
    • Inability to Trust
    • You Become What you Hated in Them
  • Beauty For Ashes

Psalms 71:20-21

20 You who have shown me many troubles and distresses

Will revive me again,

And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.

21 May You increase my greatness

And turn to comfort me.


Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

  • spiritually
  • emotionally
  • mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from past experiences/wounds

Results of Wholeness

  • Break generational curses
  • Love your neighbor as yourself
  • You have joy and peace in your life

Traits of Wholeness

  1. Authenticity
  2. Honesty
  3. Not seeking external approval / validation
  4. Living by values and principles
  5. Kindness
  6. Setting Boundaries
  7. Living with Purpose and Passion
  8. Optimism
  9. Confidence
  10. Healthy relationships with both genders
  11. Not losing control
  12. Anger
  13. Free from addictions
  14. Addressing Conflict
  15. Vulnerability
  16. Non Judgemental
  17. Not jealous
    • Genuinely applaud the success of others
  18. Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
  19. Accept That God loves you as you are
  20. Not afraid to fail
  21. Free from irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
  22. Selfless encounters with others

Review of It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Responses to Being Hurt

3 responses to hurt/injustice/offense

  1. Be emotionally hurt
  2. Get angry
  3. Say you’re okay

If you don’t address and acknowledge the hurt you become broken

Causes of Hurt

Someone Hurt You

Proverbs 14:10

10The heart knows its own bitterness,

            And a stranger does not share its joy.

“It is often not the size of the hurt but the affection for the offender that determines the size of the bitterness”

Your Own Sin or Bad Decisions

Proverbs 20:9

   9Who can say, “I have cleansed my heart,

            I am pure from my sin”?

Sowing and reaping

Broken by Life

Proverbs 15:13

13A joyful heart makes a cheerful face,

            But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken

At various times we all experience disastrous life experiences:

  • Financial
  • Emotional
  • Relational
  • Spiritual
  • Parental
  • Health

It wasn’t your fault

No one singled you out as the target

Believing a Lie or Willful Blindness


A stronghold isn’t the sin, but it’s the lie you use to justify your sin

Willful Blindness

Willful blindness is the refusal to know something that could be known.  

Example: Ignoring the check engine light

*more in this lesson

God’s Will

Some people believe that everything bad that happens is God’s will.

  • God must be punishing them for something

God’s will isn’t always done

1 Thessalonians 5:18

 18in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

  • Do you give thanks in everything?

1 Thessalonians 4:3

3For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;

Signs That You’ve Been Hurt

Example: you’re answering an someone interrupts

Size of Reaction

How do you know you’ve reached the point of someone’s hurt?

  • They tend to overreact  

Their response is not appropriate to the situation

  • It’s because they are reacting to a hurtful event from the past

Length of Reaction

Refractory Period

  • Immediate response - Emotional Reaction
  • Mood - days
  • Temperament - weeks or months
  • Personality - years

The goal is to have the emotional response, but to shorten the refractory period

Defense Mechanisms

We develop our defense mechanisms when something hurts us in a way that we don’t want to feel again.  

Defensive Response

Have you ever heard somebody say…

“ you don’t want to see me when I’m angry“

The shadow self will be a different version of you

  • Angry you
  • Jealous you
  • Cheated on you

Suppressing Response

You avoid engaging in certain activities or feelings  to avoid being hurt again

  • The part of you that holds yourself back
  • Not expressing yourself in public
  • Self sabotaging
  • Denying that you feel anything at all
  • Not trying so that you don’t fail
  • Don’t allow yourself to become emotionally invested in people

Judging Others

“I hate when people do  ______”

You need to ask yourself

  1. “What about what this person is doing is what I judge within myself?“  
  2. What about this person is reflecting onto me the part that I have disowned within myself

God Can Heal You

Psalms 147:3

      3He heals the brokenhearted

            And binds up their wounds.

Refusing to Acknowledge Issues

Willful Blindness

You need to discuss issues that arise in relationships and negotiate.

Discussing an issue requires admission on both sides that the issue exists.  

  • Some of us tell ourselves that we are a peace loving people.  
  • Sometimes it’s cowardice

Otherwise what you least want to encounter might pop up when you are at your weakest.  

Example: service engine light

Example: Cheating Husband

The couple never talked about sex. They weren’t having it anymore.

Maybe she didn’t like sex or maybe he was a selfish lover.

  • Perhaps solving this issue would be worth two months of arguing.  

Maybe the cheating husband was immature and selfish.  

  • Maybe she began to disrespect him...and he didn’t address it
  • Maybe that disrespect slowly turned into contempt ...then to hate

So they left things unsaid and never talked about any of it.  

Maybe martyrdom was more satisfying for her than any relationship could be.  

  • What a saint she was to be married to such a terrible man… She deserved much better.    
  • How courageous she was.

Maybe she never really liked her husband.

  • Maybe she never really liked men… And still doesn’t.
  • Maybe that was her mother's fault or her grandmothers.  
  • Maybe she mimicked their behavior.  
  • it was transmitted unconsciously and implicitly down the generations.  

Did the husband play the victim of the lack of sex so he complained to his friend.

  • Did he use it as an excuse to get a mistress?  
  • Did he use it to justify the resentment he felt towards women for all of the rejections he had continuously faced back when he was dating.  

Maybe both of them used the opportunity to mess up their marriage to take revenge on God.  

Every ignored marital issue will compound if ignored.

All we have to do to ensure a negative outcome is to:

  • Not notice
  • Not react
  • Don’t discuss
  • Don’t consider
  • Don’t work for peace when there’s conflict
  • Don’t take responsibility

What if, instead, as soon as the decline of her satisfaction in her sexual life began she addressed it and verbalized it immediately.

  • What if when the absence of sex did not bother her she verbalize that and addressed it immediately?  
  • What if she had discovered the resentment of her father and the patriarchal society as a whole?  
  • What if she had fixed all of that?
  • How much stronger would she have become?  

What if she had continuously and honestly risked conflict in the present for future peace.  

  • Maybe their marriage would be happier.
  • Maybe her house would’ve been founded more on rock and less on sand.  

When you ignore issues in a relationship it damages the relationship

  • You’re living a lie

What types of things do people ignore in relationships?

  • They wake up too early/late
  • They’re not consistent when dating
  • They look/flirt at other women/men
  • They act secretively
  • They stopped trying to be attractive

Why People Ignore the Elephant in the Room

Why do people remain vague and not directly express their wants, needs and desires?  

Not thinking/talking about something you don’t want to know about does not make it go away.      

Maybe you will get hurt… But maybe the wound won’t be fatal.  

People refuse to specify because specifying the problem is to admit that it exists.

  • To specify the problems means to precisely know what you want from your friend or mate
  • This makes it all the more painful when you don’t get it

People don’t specify because by refusing to define success they are not meeting with failure.

  • And when they fail they won’t notice so it won’t hurt.  

Put up with the Hurt

It’s a sad thing when you are willing to put up with hurt just to be accepted.

You put up with hurt just so you won’t be alone.  

  • Because a break up would be embarrassing


Admit that there is a problem.

  • Admit that you are unhappy… but not that you have a right to be.  

Maybe any normal person would be upset in your situation.

  • Maybe you are just whiny, immature, selfish and entitled.  
  • You have to consider both.  

The Results of Being Hurt


  • They always tell you about their past
  • They look sad so you can ask them about it

They’ve told you the same sad story 20 times.

We want to be sensitive to their past, but we don’t want to validate their crutch.  

I understand using your past to inspire people.  

  • But some people just want attention

Your point of reference always goes back to the day you were hurt.

  • But your point of reference should go back to the day you were delivered from hurt.  

Don’t let the past prevent you from Moving forward

Become Angry and Bitter

Ephesians 4:31-32

31 All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.


  • Negative
  • Mean

No joy in your life

Self-centeredness is the key to bitterness.  

We allow our past hurts to shape our personality.

  • To shape how we respond to things.  

Seek Revenge

Romans 12:19

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.

Plotting on how to get the person back


Psalm 101:5

5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy;

I will not endure one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart.

Call other people and talk about what someone did to you

  • Curse it
  • Nurse it
  • Rehearse it

Bring up what the person did every opportunity you get

Impacts Your Decision Making

Hurt people make decisions that protect their feelings instead of their future.  

They do things out of emotion that they regret later


Hurt people will tear up stuff at their job when they get angry and end up getting fired.  

  • Tell people off

Your success at work can be based on not your qualifications but how good you are dealing with what happened at home.  

Example: Dave Chappelle: When keeping it real goes wrong

Rebound Relationships

How many people have gotten into a rebound relationship?

If you find somebody out of hurt you will find the wrong person.  You need to take some time to heal.  

You need to learn how to be with yourself first.  

Develop a Hardened Heart

Proverbs 28:14

      14How blessed is the man who fears always,

            But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

When you harden your heart you can’t hear from God and you don’t make room for relationships that God ordained.

Two people can go through the same thing and one person emerges with a hardened heart and the other emerges with a tender heart. Because they made different decisions.  

“The same sun that melts the ice hardens the clay“

What really matters is how you respond to it.

Some people justify their hurt by the circumstances they have been through.

  • I am a victim therefore I get to have a hard heart.
  • They say that I am the victim and that’s the way that I am and you don’t have the right to judge me.  

The reason you hardened your heart is so that you don’t feel pain.

  • But the result is that you don’t feel anything.

Inability to Trust

Why don't some people trust others?

  • You don’t know who to trust
  • You don’t trust your own ability to choose who to trust
  • because you’ve been wrong before
  • You are afraid that you can’t handle it if someone breaks your trust again

Your inability to trust others may stem from your inability to trust yourself.  

The first step is that you have to trust yourself

You Become What you Hated in Them

Cheat First

Beauty For Ashes

Isaiah 61:1-3

1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is on Me,

because the LORD has anointed Me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives

and freedom to the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor

and the day of our God’s vengeance,

to comfort all who mourn,

3 to console the mourners in Zion—

to give them a crown of beauty for ashes,

the oil of joy for mourning,

and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair.

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

beauty for ashes

  • "a crown for ashes"
  • a crown of glory signifying dignity or festivity
  • literally, "ornamental headdress" or tiara, worn in times of joy
  • replacing the ashes which it was customary to sprinkle upon the head; of the mourners or penitents (of repentance).
  • The assonance of the two Hebrew words, ’epher, paer, deserves notice.
    • There is a play on the sound and meaning of the Hebrew words, peer, epher,
    • E.g. Italian Stallion, Rumble in the jungle - ML

the oil of joy for mourning

  • Perfumed ointment was poured on the guests at joyous feasts
  • On occasions of grief its use was laid aside

garment of praise

  • bright-colored garments, indicative of thankfulness,
  • instead of those that indicate despair of low spirits, like sackcloth.

trees of righteousness

  • trees; symbolical of men strong in righteousness,
  • instead of being, as heretofore, bowed down as a reed with sin and calamity

God Is Making You More Valuable


Does anyone know what kintsugi is?

a Japanese practice that highlights and enhances the breaks in pottery thus adding value to the broken object

literally golden (“kin”) and repair (“tsugi”)

This traditional Japanese art uses a precious metal – liquid gold, liquid silver or lacquer dusted with powdered gold – to bring together the pieces of a broken pottery item and at the same time enhance the breaks. The technique consists in joining fragments and giving them a new, more refined aspect. Every repaired piece is unique, because of the randomness with which ceramics shatters and the irregular patterns formed that are enhanced with the use of metals.

God is healing you to be better than before


Toure Roberts

How to overcome hurt

Creflo Dollar

How to overcome hurt Part 2

Creflo Dollar

How do you emotionally heal from hurt?

Mark Driscoll Ministries

Kintsugi: the art of precious scars

Emotional Reaction

12 Rules for Life

Jordan Peterson


Psalms 46:1-2

1 God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change

And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;

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