Monday, November 30, 2020

Healing From the Hurt


Practical steps to help you begin your emotional healing process.

~~ Watch the Video ~~


  • Psalms 34:17-19
  • Ephesians 4:31-32
  • Romans 12:19
  • Proverbs 28:14
  • Colossians 3:12-13
  • Matthew 18:21-22
  • Matthew 6:12-15
  • Proverbs 4:23-24


  • Review
  • Forgiveness
  • Change Your Environment
  • Healing Self Assessment
  • Steps Towards Healing
  • Desired Outcome

Psalms 34:17-19

17The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

18The LORD is near to the brokenhearted;

He saves the contrite in spirit.

19Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

but the LORD delivers him from them all.

In the first 8 lessons we saw that we are all broken in some way

We’re going to look at ways the heal the brokenness

  1. Identify the issues
  2. Look at ways to fix the issues


Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

  • spiritually
  • emotionally
  • mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from past experiences/wounds

Traits of Wholeness

  • Authenticity
  • Honesty
  • Not seeking external approval / validation
  • Living by values and principles
  • Kindness
  • Setting Boundaries
  • Living with Purpose and Passion
  • Optimism
  • Confidence
  • Healthy relationships with both genders
  • Not losing control of your emotions
  • Free from addictions
  • Addressing Conflict
  • Vulnerability
  • Non Judgmental
  • Not jealous
  • Genuinely applaud the success of others
  • Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
  • Accept That God loves you as you are
  • Not afraid to fail
  • Free from irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
  • Selfless encounters with others
  • You don’t give to get
  • You don’t complain about not being appreciated
  • Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
  • Guilt tripping
  • Omitting information
  • Your words don’t match your thoughts
  • Empathetic
  • You genuinely care about how others feel

Signs That You’ve Been Hurt

Size of Reaction

How do you know you’ve reached the point of someone’s hurt?

  • They tend to overreact  

Their response is not appropriate to the situation

  • It’s because they are reacting to a hurtful event from the past

Length of Reaction

Refractory Period

  • Immediate response - Emotional Reaction
  • Mood - days
  • Temperament - weeks or months
  • Personality - years

The goal is to have the emotional response, but to shorten the refractory period

Refusing to Acknowledge Issues

Willful Blindness

You need to discuss small issues as they arise in relationships and negotiate them.

  • Address the red flags
  • Discussing an issue requires admission on both sides that the issue exists.  
  • Otherwise what you least want to encounter might pop up when you are at your weakest.  

Example: service engine light

What types of things do people ignore in relationships?

  • They flirt with other women/men
  • They act secretively
  • They stopped trying to be attractive
  • Stopped being romantic
  • They don’t keep their word
  • You have to remind them
  • Being irritable 
  • They no longer include you in the decision making
  • Became demanding
  • The spark is gone

Why People don’t specify

  • They have to acknowledge it exists
  • The other person might not change
  • They may lose the relationship
  • Assume the other party knows what they want

How to Address the Issue

How to Address the Elephant in the Room

  • Brutal honesty
  • Positivity
  • Be specific
  • Not guilt tripping or criticizing

Don’t go into everything else that’s happened in the past

Results of Being Hurt


Play the victim to everyone

Become Angry and Bitter

Ephesians 4:31-32

31 All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Seek Revenge

Romans 12:19

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.


Hurt people hurt people

Impacts Your Decision Making

Hurt people make decisions that protect their feelings instead of their future.  

Rebound Relationships

Develop a Hardened Heart

Proverbs 28:14

      14How blessed is the man who fears always,

            But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

You Become What You Hated in Them

Example: you cheat because the other person cheated

Inability to Trust

  1. You don’t know who to trust
  2. You don’t trust your own ability to choose who to trust
  3. You are afraid that you can’t handle it if someone breaks your trust again

Your inability to trust others may stem from your inability to trust yourself.  

Lack of Confidence

  • Result of not trusting yourself

What are some things people tell themselves they will do but they don’t?

Things you tell yourself but don’t do it

  • Wake up early
  • Go to bed on time
  • Eat better
  • I’m going to go on a diet
  • Exercise more
  • I’m going to start saving money
  • I’m not going to see him/her again
  • Get chores done
  • I’m not going to _____ again
  • Drink
  • Smoke
  • Have sex
  • Watch pornography
  • Gamble
  • Shop

Keep the promises you make to yourself and you will become more confident


Your Feelings Reveal Your Brokenness

What your emotional pain is telling you


  • You feel powerless
  • Lack of control over a situation


  • An area you want to control


  • What you fear


  • You’re burnt out

Don’t Avoid Them

Stay with them and try to understand what is leading to this and what are the causes for it.

try to intensely and sit with it.  

Don’t run from it.

Your Feelings Serve a Purpose

Sadness / Grief

  • energy we discharge in order to heal

  • Example: breakup / loss of loved one


  • warns us of potential danger
  • Signals faith in the wrong thing


  • guards our conscious
  • leads to repentance


  • the energy comes from our needs being met


Colossians 3:12-13

12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;

13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.


To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

Causes of Unforgiveness


There are so many ways to be offended now a days

  • Wear are mask, don’t wear a mask
  • Vote for a political candidate
  • Black Lives Matter, all lives matter, blue lives matter
  • A social media post
  • Someone forgetting to say happy birthday

An offense will lead to unforgiveness

Traumatic incident

  • Rape
  • Physical abuse
  • Childhood neglect
  • Cheating / Betrayal
  • Slander

Someone wronged you in the past.  Perhaps they took your innocence, peace, trust, loyalty, belongings.  You allow that to skew your view of the world and other people.

Forgiveness is For Your Benefit

Who does forgiving benefit?

“ holding a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee“

— William Walton

It causes you pain every time you think of it

  • It doesn’t cause them pain

Forgiveness is not Earned

You don’t have to wait until someone deserves it in order to forgive them.

I don’t need you to right the wrong. I’m going to right it myself.

Forgiveness is an Ongoing Process

Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Forgiveness is both a one time event and an ongoing process.

Jesus said you have to forgive A person 70×7 times

Forgiveness does not require an apology

The person may have died, they won’t apologize, they won’t change, they don’t acknowledge the hurt that they caused.   Forgiveness is transferring that burden to the Lord Jesus.  

Facing Your Accuser

Your real issue is… “I never got a chance to tell him“.  

Criminal Justice System

An important part of our criminal justice system is that the accuser gets to face the accused before they are convicted.  

  • release the burden that you have placed on them by victimizing them.  

One of the worst feelings is to be carrying this and never be able to release it.

So when somebody molested you and you never get an opportunity to get that off of your chest you repress it.

  •  As you grow you make sure you put stuff on top of it by layering it with different attitudes as defense mechanisms.
  • To keep from being hurt again.

If you never get a release then it will be a door for Satan to get a foothold into your life.  

This is why you’re the Bible says if you have an issue with your brother go to him and get it right.  

It wasn’t your fault. 

  • It was a sick sinful person that took advantage of you.
  • And you are carrying their burden.  

Releasing Control of the Outcome

Forgiveness is ceasing to control the outcome of events.

Some people say I’ll  forgive when

  •  They change
  • I get the outcome that I’m seeking

Forgiveness says no I will put forgiveness at the starting line and trust God for the outcome.

Forgiveness is Not Enabling

Forgiveness is not enabling

  • a crime
  • foolishness
  • irresponsibility
  • sin

Forgiveness is Not Granting Access

You don’t have to give them an opportunity to do it again.

Forgiveness is Not Trust

Forgiveness is not trust or reconciliation.

Trust is an account in which you make deposits and withdrawals.  

If someone only makes withdrawals and never makes deposits you can’t trust them.  

Forgiveness is Between You and God

Matthew 6:12-15

12‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

13‘And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. [For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.’]

14“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15“But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Forgiveness is not necessarily between you and the person. It’s between you and the Lord.  

  • Your forgiveness is not God‘s forgiveness.
  • Forgiveness is responding to Jesus rather than the person who hurt you
  • Forgiveness is transferring the burden to God so that you don’t have to carry

Forgive Yourself

One of the most difficult things to do is to forgive yourself

How to Forgive

The first step is to be willing to forgive

You don’t have to know how

Be open and willing, and leave the how up to God

Change Your Environment

Proverbs 4:23-24

      23Watch over your heart with all diligence,

            For from it flow the springs of life.

      24Put away from you a deceitful mouth

            And put devious speech far from you.

You may need to change

  • Your self talk
  • People we’re around
  • Work environment
  • Toxic relationships
  • Habits
  • Childhood trauma
  • Self limiting beliefs

The story you tell yourself

Healing Self Assessment

What are the unhealthy things that you have to have in your life in order to function?

Willful Blindness

What in your life are you refusing to address?

  • Health signs
  • Sadness / depression
  • Frequency of friend’s calls
  • Loneliness


What are you addicted to?

  • Sex
  • Pornography
  • Social media
  • The news
  • Food
  • Money
  • Drugs
  • Partying
  • Negativity
  • Attention


What are you afraid of?

  • Fear of not succeeding
  • Not making it to the next phase of life
  • You’re going to drive everybody away
  • Getting old
  • Not being able to support yourself
  • Abandonment


  • What have you been healed from?
  • What are you doing to actively heal yourself?
  • What do you need to be healed from?  
  • Are you doing what the doctor prescribed?
  • Why not?
  • What are you doing to make sure that you are healthy?
  • How are you neglecting your body?


What is holding you back from being where you need to be?

  • Your friendships
  • Your fears
  • Your addictions


What things are you learning from and what things are influencing you?

  • News
  • Social media
  • Bible study

Distancing from toxic friends and people

  • Toxic behaviors
  • Toxic people

What are you doing to distance yourself from those things?


Pay attention to what things trigger your irrational responses

  • Feeling rejected
  • Being lied to
  • Being disrespected
  • Being belittled
  • Road rage

Healing Process

  1. Not a linear process
  1. You may think you have healed from something and the pattern can return
  2. It’s normal to be upset by that
  1. You may feel alone at times
  2. May feel lethargic

Steps Towards Healing

  1. Keep the promises you make to yourself
  2. Acknowledge your feelings
  3. Forgive others
  4. Forgive yourself
  5. Change your environment
  6. Change the story you’re telling yourself
  7. Taking inventory of your current emotional health state

Desired Outcome

Not Projecting

Once you are healed you can speak and respond to what you truly feel rather than some emotion that came up because of something that happened years ago.  

Not projecting the hurt caused by someone else

  • Not projecting things you don’t like about yourself

Not Overly Concerned About the Opinions of Others

I am worried about what people think

Once you’re healed  you say whatever you are thinking because whatever you’re thinking is OK.

Presenter: Michael Leadon


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