Steps to heal the hurt from the past.

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Worship: Break Every Chain

https://youtu.be/mWOYwDJ4bqs?si=C5c_fdgXwAWcLUv1

Reviewing the lessons:

Outline:

Introduction
Defining Wholeness
Hurt Pride
Impact of Not Healing From Hurt
Forgiving
Fear and Shame
The Story You Tell Yourself
Practical Steps to Healing
Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

Scriptures:

Romans 12:2
Proverbs 12:18
Ephesians 4:26-27
Colossians 3:12-13
Psalms 118:8
Luke 12:6-7
Proverbs 18:24
1 Corinthians 13:7
Philippians 4:13
Deuteronomy 31:6
2 Corinthians 10:5

Introduction

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Who here has renewed your mind?

Who here has renewed your Netflix or Amazon Prime subscription?

The Bible tells us to renew our mind. It doesn’t tell us how.

We need to:

Identify what needs to be renewed
Learn spiritual and practical steps to renew it

Sanctification has two parts

The active work of the Holy Spirit
Our work

The first step then is to determine what areas we need to work on

This lesson and the previous were designed to help us to identify some of the areas that we need to work out in our path towards “wholeness”.

Not exhaustive list, but major points

Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

spiritually
emotionally
mentally

Free from oppression of

Our past
Bad thinking
Strongholds
The enemy

We’re talking about

dealing with life’s current stresses
being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re promised eternal life

We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Through this 3.5 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness

Traits of Wholeness

Authenticity
Honesty
Kindness
Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
Living by values and principles
Setting Boundaries
Taking ownership of your responsibilities
Living with purpose and passion
Optimism
Confidence
Not losing control of your emotions
Free from addictions
Addressing Conflict with truth and love
Vulnerability
Not critical or Judgemental
Not jealous of others
Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
Not afraid to fail
Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
Selfless encounters with others
Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
You care about how others feel
Patient
Don’t give into peer/social pressure
Can communicate without antagonizing others
Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
Slow to anger
Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
Can listen without reacting
Can respect others without having to change them
Can function well… Alone or with others
Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
Being led by the Spirit

Hurt Pride

Hurt feelings

Proverbs 12:18

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

There’s a saying “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt you ”

Is that true?

Three of the most common hurts include

Being treated in a way that is debasing
Lowering of someone in status, esteem, quality, or character.
Being ridiculed with piercing and diminishing words
Being unseen or unrecognized

–Toure Roberts

Examples:

Someone you are attracted to rejects you
Someone doesn’t return your call/text
Your boss yells at you
You get publicly embarrassed
They ignore your comments in a group

3 Responses to Hurt

Did anyone get offended during the pandemic?

3 responses to hurt/injustice/offense

Be emotionally hurt
Get angry
Say you’re okay

Experience the Hurt

You cry
Get sad

Benefits

You let it out
You can investigate the emotion deeper to understand yourself

Get Angry

Anger is where we live when we are running from the reality of the hurt. The transition from hurt to anger is how you regain control after experiencing the shock of hurt. Anger takes the power away from the one who wounded us and places the narrative about the hurt within our own sphere of control. Anger pushes every possibility of wrongdoing or inadequacy about the hurt away from ourselves and onto the one from whom the hurt came. The one who devalued is entirely at fault.

--Tourre Roberts

Say You’re Ok

If you don’t address and acknowledge the hurt you become broken

Hiding the Hurt

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxInLNWco8XpahwEHuXTVwvtr67sRJAq03?si=iLLQHIzo-CKefB3f

This is also talking about hurts deeper than verbal hurt

Impact of Not Healing From Hurt

Testimony: flat tire

The visible issue revealed a deeper problem

Martyrdom

Play the victim to everyone

rule: don’t turn lesson over to first timers

Emotional Reactions

Have You Healed?

https://youtube.com/shorts/FsbmasD-gmg

How do you know you’ve triggered someone’s hurt?

Their response is not appropriate to the situation

It’s because they are reacting to a hurtful event from the past

Length of Reaction

Refractory Period

Immediate response - Emotional Reaction
Mood - days
Temperament - weeks or months
Personality - years

The goal is to have the emotional response, but to shorten the refractory period

Ephesians 4:26-27

26 “Be angry, yet do not sin.”Do not let the sun set upon your anger, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Refusing to Acknowledge Issues

You avoid engaging in certain activities or feelings to avoid being hurt again

The part of you that holds yourself back
Not expressing yourself in public
Denying that you feel anything at all
Not trying so that you don’t fail
Don’t allow yourself to become emotionally invested in people

Ignoring Red Flags

Example: service engine light

You ignore red flags

What types of things do people ignore in relationships?

Flirting
They act secretively
They stopped trying to be attractive
Stopped being romantic
They don’t keep their word
Being irratible
They no longer include you in the decision making
Became demanding
The spark is gone

Why don't people address issues?

They have to acknowledge it exists
The other person might not change
They may lose the relationship
Assume the other party knows what they want

You need to discuss small issues as they arise in relationships and negotiate them.

Address the red flags
Discussing an issue requires admission on both sides that the issue exists.
Otherwise what you least want to encounter might pop up when you are at your weakest.

Inability to Trust

You don’t know who to trust
You don’t trust your own ability to choose who to trust
because you’ve been wrong before
You are afraid that you can’t handle it if someone breaks your trust again

Your inability to trust others may stem from your inability to trust yourself.

Lack of Confidence

Result of not trusting yourself

Trust Issues

https://youtube.com/shorts/T6QkPeNCkKY

Things you tell yourself you will do but don’t do it

Wake up early
Go to bed on time
Eat better
I’m going to go on a diet
Exercise more
I’m going to start saving money
I’m not going to see him/her again
Get chores done
I’m not going to _____ again

Drink
Smoke
Have sex
Watch pornography
Gamble
Shop

Solution: Earn your own trust

When you don’t trust yourself that means you can’t trust your own internal cues

Keep the promises you make to yourself
Stop doing things in secret

Ask God to help you keep your own promises

Keep the promises you make to yourself and you will become more confident

Forgiving

Forgiving Others

Colossians 3:12-13

12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;

13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Forgiveness

To stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

What is Forgiveness?

https://youtu.be/bZGHUyzBxZk?si=u_Xt9xJLE9NCEnzH

Forgiveness:

Is Giving up your right to hold it against them
Is not earned
Is an ongoing process
Does not require an apology
Is releasing control of the outcome

Forgiveness is not

Fair
The result of justice being done to the offender
Enabling crime/sin/irresponsibility/foolishness
Granting Access
Trust
Reconciliation
Saying what they did was OK

Forgiveness does not necessarily require you to tell them that you are forgiving them, but for some people it is a freeing activity.

When doing this, you should not require/expect a certain response for them in order for you to forgive.

Forgiveness is For Your Benefit

Who does forgiving benefit?

“ holding a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee“

— William Walton

Forgiving is Something That Has to Happen

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxYHbmayOQnXqEOpms7Z9QUKGVwm8raWD9?si=YEguKvEqyllg9DQC

The other person has moved on
It causes you pain every time you think of it

Forgiveness is Between You and God

Forgiveness is not necessarily between you and the person. It’s between you and the Lord.

Forgiveness is responding to Jesus rather than the person who hurt you
Forgiveness is transferring the burden to God so that you don’t have to carry it

Forgive Yourself

One of the most difficult things to do is to forgive yourself

How to Forgive

What did you do to allow you to forgive someone in the past?

The first step is to be willing to forgive

You don’t have to know how

Be open and willing, and leave the how up to God

Fear and Shame

The opposite of pride is not humility

What is the opposite of pride?

It’s shame

The Opposite of Pride

https://youtube.com/shorts/ybFMYliXnEs?feature=share

Pride says

I have a certain standard
I deserve a certain standard

Shame

Pride and shame have the same standard.

Pride says I see myself as achieving that standard.
Shame says I didn't achieve that standard.

Hypocrisy

You can hold someone else to a standard that you didn’t achieve

Example dating criteria

Guilt vs Shame

Guilt is the objective reality of being liable to punishment because of something we’ve done.

Shame is the subjective feeling of being worthless because of who we are.

“I did something wrong” vs “I am something wrong”

Conviction - moves you to changed behavior

Condemnation - moves you to shame

Self Conscious

Overly concerned about the opinions of others

My job
My car
Turn my camera off

Solution: Accept Your Identity As a Child of God

We lose these concerns:

Self consciousness

Putting our identity in Jesus
Fear God

Guilt and shame

Accept God’s forgiveness of our sins
Stop trying to impress man

Fear of death

Put you hope in Eternal life

The Story You Tell Yourself

Self story is a story we tell ourselves about

Who we are
Why we are or aren’t good enough

The current state of your life is a direct result of

the stories you tell yourself
what you really believe is possible

not what you say is possible, but what you believe deep down in your core

The thoughts we think and the stories we tell ourselves are influenced by

Our past experiences
Past relationships

These stories impact:

How we view ourselves
How we view Others
How we view God
The company you keep
The opportunities that you make yourself available for
The decisions that you make

The Scar Experiment

https://youtube.com/shorts/wbfOrS1b5RU?si=B1Tgnqjl7lUIaswB

Common Stories

The Dependence story

I can’t cope with being alone
I can’t trust my own judgment
I need someone to take care of me and make me happy
Life is too overwhelming to cope with on my own

Psalms 118:8

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD

Than to trust in man.

The Unworthy/Defective Story

I’m flawed
I’m unlovable
I am damaged
I am less than
If people knew me they would reject me

Luke 12:6-7

6 “Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.

7 “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

The Disconnection Story

No one understands me
I rarely feel close to people
I feel like there’s an invisible barrier between me and other people
I don’t get the love I need
Nobody cares about me or even tries to meet my needs

Proverbs 18:24

A person of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

The Mistrust story

Most people will use, hurt or take advantage me
I need to stay on guard to protect myself
People only do or think nice things when they want to get something out of me
People will reject me
People will not be there when I need them

1 Corinthians 13:7

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The Failure Story

I don’t measure up
I am not able to succeed
There’s no point in trying because I’m just going to fail
I never seem to get things right
What if people realize I’m not as good as they think I am

Philippians 4:13

13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

The Abandonment story

People don’t really care about me
No matter how good things seem it will never last
I am destined to end up alone
I worry about people I care about leaving or dying
Everybody leaves
I knew they weren’t going to stay anyway.

It was just a matter of time

Deuteronomy 31:6

6 “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”

Limiting Beliefs

Common limiting beliefs:

I have to be perfect
My life is harder than everyone else’s
“If I ignore it, it will go away.”
“I’m too young, or I’m too old.”
I’m just not that type of person

Happy, emotionally expressive, outgoing, serious, good speaker

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

2 Corinthians 10:5

5We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ

R.A.I.N.

Recognize

Become aware of what you are saying to yourself
Identify the negative self talk
Pause

Allow

Stay with the painful experience
Don’t try to distract yourself or self medicate

Investigate

Examine the thought
Examine your reaction to the emotion

Pay attention to what’s going on

in your body and your heart right now
Recognize how painful it is

Nurture

Don’t judge yourself negatively for having the thought
Ask Jesus to comfort you

Coping Statements

Replace the thoughts with coping statements.

Or memory verses

These are premade thoughts that you can use

Create the statements when you are not in a state of distress or negative thinking
They need to sound like your own voice

Examples

My emotions do not reflect reality
I’m allowed to struggle... It’s OK not to be OK
I don’t have the answer, but I can tolerate uncertainty
I accept who I am while I continue to improve myself
I am enough just as I am
My past doesn’t define me
Whatever happens I will handle it
God loves me just as I am
God has not given me a spirit of fear

Steps Towards Healing Summary

Keep the promises you make to yourself
Accept Your Identity in Christ
Forgive others
Forgive yourself
R.A.I.N.
Recite memory verses
Use Coping Statements

References

It's Okay Not to be Okay
Dealing With the Hurt
Healing From the Hurt
Fear and Shame
The Story You Tell Yourself

Changing the Story You Tell Yourself

Instructor: Michael Leadon

Extra

Ephesians 4:29

29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Emotional Triggers

https://youtube.com/shorts/vpuJJuC2Gfc

Psalms 71:20-21

20 You who have shown me many troubles and distresses

Will revive me again,

And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.

21 May You increase my greatness

And turn to comfort me.

Joy is a sign that our needs are being met

Hurt people make decisions that protect their feelings instead of their future.

Commentary on Philippians 2:12-13

12 So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure.

Work out your own salvation: There is a sense in which

our salvation is complete, in the sense that Jesus has done a complete work for us. Still there is also a sense in which our salvation is incomplete, in that it is not yet a complete work in us.

i. “The believer must finish, must carry to conclusion, must apply to its fullest consequences what is already given by God in principle… He must work out what God in His grace has worked in.” (Muller)

ii. “Some professors appear to have imbibed the notion that the grace of God is a kind of opium with which men may drug themselves into slumber, and their passion for strong doses of sleepy doctrine grows with that which it feeds on. ‘God works in us,’ say they, ‘therefore there is nothing for us to do.’ Bad reasoning, false conclusion. God works, says the text; therefore we must work out because God works in.” (Spurgeon)

e. With fear and trembling: Paul’s idea was not that we should live our Christian lives with a constant sense of fear and terror, but that we should live with a fear of failing to work out your own salvation.

———

Causes of Hurt

Someone Hurt You

Proverbs 14:10

10The heart knows its own bitterness,

And a stranger does not share its joy.

“It is often not the size of the hurt but the affection for the offender that determines the size of the bitterness”

Traumatic incident

Rape
Physical abuse
Childhood neglect
Cheating / Betrayal
Slander

It wasn’t your fault.

It was a sick sinful person that took advantage of you.
And you are carrying their burden.

Someone wronged you in the past. Perhaps they took your innocence, peace, trust, loyalty, belongings. You allow that to skew your view of the world and other people.

Your Own Sin or Bad Decisions

Galatians 6:7-8

7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a person sows, this he will also reap. 8 For the one who sows to his own flesh will reap destruction from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit.

Sowing and reaping

Action or in action

Broken by Life

At various times we all experience disastrous life experiences:

Financial
Emotional
Relational
Spiritual
Parental
Health

Results of Being Hurt

Bad Character

Titus 1:15

15To the pure, all things are pure; but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure. Indeed, both their minds and their consciences are defiled. 16They profess to know God, but by their actions they deny Him. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for any good deed.

You Become What You Hated in Them

Example: you cheat because the other person cheated

“Cheat on him first”

Willful Blindness