Dealing With Anger - Part 4

 

Discussing the 3 ways that we express anger and how to manage our anger.

~~Watch the Video~~

Dealing With Anger 4

Agenda:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1 - 3
• 3 Categories of Anger Expression
• Exploding / Spewing
• Stuffing / Repressing
• Indirect / Leaking
• Causes of Anger

Scripture:

• James 1:19-20
• Galatians 5:22-23
• Proverbs 29:11
• Proverbs 14:29
• Luke 6:45
• Ephesians 4:15
• 2 Kings 5:8-11
• 2 Kings 5:13-14
• 2 Kings 20:1-5

Introduction

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Anger isn’t a sin, but it can lead to sin

Anger impacts your

• Self control

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

You will know a tree by its fruit

• These are the fruits by which you can tell if someone is acting through the Holy Spirit

Does anger help or hurt you from acting with these things?

Anger will prevent you from yielding to the Holy Spirit

Anger hinders you from being led by the spirit

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Learning not just what the word tells us to do, but learn how to do it

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel - empathy
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Being led by the Spirit

Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1 - 3

Anger’s Emotional Family

• Anger
• Hostility
• Fury
• Irritability
• Annoyance
• Wrath
• Rage

Mental Impact of Anger

When Angry…

• The world is simplified
• Black and white
• Doubt is eliminated
• Loss of self-consciousness
• Makes you an energed and focused

trance state (dumbs you down)

• narrow focus  
• reality is perceived in very selective and limited ways
• You don’t think about consequences
• Other people's perspectives can’t be appreciated

Causes poor decisions

Proverbs 29:11

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.

Righteous Anger

• When we are angry about an offense against God or His word
• When we’re angry about what God is angry about

There is no biblical support for this concept

• The cause of our anger doesn’t justify our actions

God is concerned with:

• How quickly we get angry
• How we express our anger
• How long we’re angry

Not so much “why we’re angry”

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

The Godly goal is to be slow to anger

• Not to never get angry
• Not to blow up instantly

Your Anger Can Reveal Your Heart

Luke 6:45

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil person out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

How we react is often a better thermometer of our hearts than how we act

– – Bryan Loritts

Anger Can Reveal Your Idols

Next time you’re angry, ask yourself…

• What is it that was violated?
• What are you defending?
• What is it that you love that was threatened?
• Why is it an injustice?  

Was is a threat to your:

• Pride / ego
• security/safety
• freedom
• respect
• status
• people’s opinion of you
• reputation
• intelligence
• Significance
• Gender  
• Political view
• God

What is it that you value so much that a threat to it makes you angry?

If we build our happiness on things

• A job
• A spouse
• Income level
• Having perfect kids

A threat to that will make us angry

Anger is a Secondary Emotion

• Whenever anger surfaces there was always something else going on underneath

Example: Honked at when the light  turned green

• You were looking at your phone.  
• guilty - not paying attention
• embarrassed - negative attention towards you
• disrespected - they are honking at you

If you start to look to see what the secondary emotion is… God can use this to change your life

• Understand yourself

Anger can be caused by:

• Fear
• Hurt
• Guilt
• Betrayal
• Powerlessness
• Shame
• Insecurity
• Rejection
• Dashed hopes
• Feeling trapped
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Unmet expectations
• Resentment
• Envy
• Jealousy
• Pride
• Failure
• Sense of worthlessness
• Loneliness
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Stress
• Remorse
• Exhaustion / Fatigue
• Grief
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Worry

3 Categories of Anger Expression

Ephesians 4:15

15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Are we speaking the truth in love?

There are three common categories by which we express anger

1. Exploding / Spewing
2. Stuffing / Repressing
3. Indirect / Leaking

You might be an exploder at home, but a stuffer at work

Exploding /Spewing Anger

<see the full discussion in Part 3 >

Express anger

• Yelling
• Screaming
• Fighting
• Hitting
• Intimidation
• Aggression
• Overly opinionated
• Overly bold
• Blunt
• Forceful
• Tactless
• Demanding
• Repetitive

View on Anger:

• “anger is necessary“

Results

• Gives them a sense of power
• Helps release pent-up emotions
• Distract from the hurt
• Feelings of guilt
• Sense of loss of control
• Regret

They have poor impulse control

Relational Impact

• People around them learn to:
• Walk on eggshells
• Not tell the truth
• They wound themselves and others
• Strained unhealthy relationships
• Create dysfunction

5 Strategies to Manage Anger

1. Don’t be attached To your Ideas

If you disagree with my ideas and I’m attached to my ideas I get very upset

“how dare you disagree with who I am“

If we said our idea to the side then we realized… “You’re not disagreeing with who I am you’re just disagreeing with some of my ideas“

People get upset if you disagree with their view of

• A Politician
• Vaccine
• Masks
• Homosexuality
• Abortion
• Eating meat
• Police brutality
• Kneeling

2. Don’t Take Things Personally

Some people have personal issues.

If they don’t know you, how can it be about you?  

It’s not about you… It’s about them

3. Learn when to let things go

We need to let go of needing things to be our way

Example: toilet paper / toothpaste

4. Be aware of what’s going on in your body

HALT

Stressed

Hot

Monthly cycle

When we aren’t aware of what’s going on in our body, we start to make up a story

“I feel agitated, so I must be upset about…“

If we were in a different state… We wouldn’t have gotten upset about this?

5. Learn how to say what’s really going on with you

“ This is not a good time to talk about this right now… I’m really hungry“

There is an old adage that says “never go to bed angry“

• But if the reason you’re arguing is because one of you is tired… You might consider sleeping

you need to be mindful of what’s going on on your body and express it accurately

“ I'm feeling really agitated right now… It’s probably not about you it’s probably about me“

#2: The Stuffer

Stuffers

• Repress
• Suppress
• Deny

their anger

View on Anger

• Anger is bad or sinful
• Conflict is bad

Express Anger:

• Ignoring it
• Denying it
• Minimizing it
• Pretending they aren’t really angry
• Avoiding it
• Burying it
• Feel shame

Motivation

• They fear loss of control or making a fool of themselves
• They fear rejection of others
• They don’t like to feel guilty
• Their experience with anger has scars
• They fear retaliation or punishment or consequences

Results

• They become a doormat
• People take advantage of them
• They are angry at themselves
• They get physical ailments
• Ulcers
• Tension headache
• Muscle cramps
• They avoid people, places, things
• They withdraw
• Resentment
• Occasionally erupt

Delayed Emotion

They don’t necessarily just repress what they feel

• They may not feel angry

They don't feel the emotion immediately

Have to think about how they feel about it

Example

They will agree to do something for someone but then feel resentment towards the person for asking

Solutions

• Accept that anger/conflict is OK
• Acknowledge their fears
• Learn to communicate their anger effectively
• Become more assertive with their needs and their wants
• Be clear about what they want and what they will do and won’t do
• Better understand their feelings
• Get comfortable saying “no”

10 questions to find out if you are a stuffer

• I am very image conscious.  
• I do not like to let others know when I have problems
• Even when I’m flustered I portray myself publicly as having it all together
• I’m rather reserved about sharing my problems and my frustrations
• if a family member or friend upsets me I can let days pass before bringing it up or mentioning it
• I have a tendency to be depressed and moody
• Resentful thinking is common to me although many people would never suspect it
• I have suffered from physical symptoms
• Stomach ailments
• Sleep irregularity
• Headaches
• Ulcers
• There are times when I wonder if my opinion or preferences are really valued
• Sometimes I feel paralyzed when confronted with an unwanted situation
• I feel guilty a lot about little things… especially if someone else is upset with me

5 or 6 yes’s means you’re a stuffer

#3 Indirect / Leakers

• Leakers express their anger in ways that don’t directly communicate that they’re angry

Expression:

• Not following through with commitments or promises
• Not letting their yes be yes and there are no be no
• Making excuses
• Procrastinating
• Knowingly going at a pace and that is annoying to others
• Become critical and negative
• Become isolated

Example: in fast lane, hurry,

• Slow down

View on Anger

• Showing anger is bad
• You can be angry… Just don’t show it

Reason

• It’s bad to be angry
• Fear God‘s wrath
• Fear Lack of control
• Fear of rejection
• Feel guilty
• Had scary experience with someone who got angry
• Sense possible retaliation, punishment, consequences if people see that they are mad

Decide to only tell the truth

• Don’t tell “white lies” to placate the feelings of others or to avoid conflict

If you tell the truth you don’t get to ignore when someone is irritating you

• You don’t get to just assume that you were right either

“I’m irritated about this and I need to think through whether you have a problem or I have a problem“

10 questions to see if you are a leaker

• When I’m frustrated I become silent knowing it bothers other people
• I am prone to sulk and pout
• When I don’t want to do a project, I procrastinate… I can be lazy
• When someone asks me if I’m frustrated… I will lie
• I’ll say “no everything is fine”
• There are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won’t bother me
• I sometimes approach work projects half heartedly
• When someone talks to me about their problems… I stare straight ahead deliberately obstinately
• I am often sarcastic and hide my true hurt behind jokes
• I withdraw affection and become sexually frigid when I am hurt
• I “forget” to do things for people who have wounded me

Solution

• Accept that anger is OK and common
• Acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize the influence of it
• Learn to communicate their anger effectively
• Become more assertive with their needs and wants
• Become clear about what they will do and what they won’t do

May Be Situational

You may not explode at work unless you are the boss

• but you explode at home

Example: lady at CIRM who was yelling at her husband

Depending on the relationship we may do some or all of these, but there is probably a primary way

Causes of Anger

40 common things to make people angry

1. Someone cut you in line
2. Someone misunderstood what you said
3. Someone ignored your feeling
4. Break up in a relationship
5. Someone made you feel trapped and smothered
6. Someone was controlling
7. You felt like a failure
8. Someone broke your trust
9. Past abuse
10. Someone lied to you
11. You had to wait in a long line at the grocery store or bank
12. Your children aren’t obeying
13. Waitresses is slow or brings the wrong dish
14. You stub your toe
15. You ran out of toilet paper
16. Very long line in a public restroom
17. Your spouse forgot to call
18. Spouse was  late
19. The clothes you wanted to wear were dirty
20. Your mate had an affair
21. Didn’t get the things done today that you wanted to
22. Drove across town and found out a store was  temporarily closed
23. Kids demand your time
24. Forgot to do something
25. You know you look bad at work
26. Don’t have time for yourself
27. Clerk was rude
28. Getting red lights when you’re in a hurry
29. Boss doesn’t appreciate you
30. Someone at work takes credit for what you did
31. Somebody tracks in dirt when you just clean the house
32. Driver in front of you goes to slow
33. Someone you love dies
34. Someone gave you advice you didn’t want
35. You were unfairly treated
36. Someone blame you for something that wasn’t your fault
37. Someone belittled you
38. Someone Criticized you
39. Someone made an angry gestures at you in traffic
40. Someone honks at you when the light turned green

Emotional Hurt

Hurt comes from real or perceived unmet needs

You didn’t get the ____ you deserved

• Attention
• Recognition
• Praise
• Reward
• Appreciation
• Apology
• Respect

Communication Strategy - “I Feel” message

How to communicate your needs when you feel angry

When you don’t resolve your conflicts you’re putting thin layers of resentment between you and the other person

I feel ___ when you ___

I feel angry / hurt / disappointed when you…

• I feel hurt when you pay more attention to the kids than me
• I feel hurt when you give more of your energy to work than me
• I felt disappointment when you forgot our anniversary
• I feel rejected when I want to draw close to you physically, and you give me the cold shoulder
• I feel afraid/belittled when you shout and raise your voice
• I feel left out when you call a meeting with all the supervisors and I’m not included
• I feel hurt when you don’t share with me what you share with other people
• I feel kind of rejected when I text or call you and I don’t hear back from you for a couple of days

I Wish…

I feel __ when you __, I wish…

• I feel disappointed that you didn’t trust me with that information…I wish you could
• I wish we could talk calmly about our schedules

Unmet Expectations

Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations

Naaman went to Elisha to be cured of leprosy 

2 Kings 5:8-12

” 8 Now it happened, when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, that he sent word to the king, saying, “Why did you tear your clothes? Just have him come to me, and he shall learn that there is a prophet in Israel.” 9 So Naaman came with his horses and his chariots, and stood at the doorway of Elisha’s house. 10 And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh will be restored to you and you will be clean.” 11 But Naaman was furious and went away, and he said, “Behold, I thought, ‘He will certainly come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and wave his hand over the site and cure the leprosy.’  12Are not the Abanah and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not have washed in them and been cleansed?” So he turned and went away in a rage.

Why was Naaman mad?

• He had expectations of how a prophet would heal him

2 Kings 5:13-14

13 Naaman’s servants, however, approached him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’?”

14 So Naaman went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored and became like that of a little child, and he was clean.

Frustration vs Anger

• When the distance between our expectation and our reality is small, we call it frustration.
• When the distance is large, we call it anger.

Example: paycheck

Extreme Words

Demand statements

• Ought
• Always
• Never
• Should

Extreme words drive extreme feelings

Self Expectations

• I always come through for everyone
• I never turn in the report in late
• I am always neat and clean
• My kids have to get into a great school

Unmet Life Expectations

You get expectations from

• Your family
• Yourself
• The culture

examples:

• Having a family
• Marriage is awesome
• Success
• Having children

When expectations aren’t  met

• We get mad at life
• We get mad at God

Strategies: I Desire vs I Demand

Use “I wish…” or “I desire”

• I wish that the economy was better and things will go better on my job
• I desire that my kids turn out well
• I long to be married someday
• “I desire” and a “I wish” is a request…not a demand

When you have a desire that is unmet … you get disappointed

• When you have a demand… You get angry

Expectations From God

Examples

I prayed, I tithe regularly, I went on a mission trip … how can you do this to me God?

We went to premarital counseling, we didn’t have sex before marriage

… 2 years later she walked out on me

We feel that God is obligated to do something for us and we demand it

What are you demanding from God?

2 Kings 20:1-5

1 In those days Hezekiah became mortally ill. And Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz, came to him and said to him, “This is what the LORD says: ‘Set your house in order, for you are going to die and not live.’” 2 Then he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, saying, 3 “Please, LORD, just remember how I have walked before You wholeheartedly and in truth, and have done what is good in Your sight!” And Hezekiah wept profusely. 4 And even before Isaiah had left the middle courtyard, the word of the LORD came to him, saying, 5 “Return and say to Hezekiah the leader of My people, ‘This is what the LORD, the God of your father David says: “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; behold, I am going to heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the LORD.

But we can still take our desires/demands to God

If you can petition to God how you walk in righteousness and how you serve Him

…go ahead

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Overcoming emotions to destroy part one: rage

Venture Christian Church

Overcoming emotions that destroy - part two: why we all struggle with anger

Venture Christian Church

5 keys to controlling anger

Dr. Christian County

Extra

Only God Judges

Exodus 34:6-7

Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in faithfulness and truth;

who keeps faithfulness for thousands, who forgives wrongdoing, violation of 7 His Law, and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, inflicting the punishment of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

• God is slow to anger
• God’s judgment is independent of his anger

We are not the judge…God is

Don’t Stay Angry

Ephesians 4:26-27

26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Anger isn’t a sin
• Don’t let your anger cause you to sin

Strategy: How to Heal Disordered Love

Admit That You’re Angry

Watch Your Self Talk

What makes you angry is not what happened to you, but what you tell yourself about what happened to you.  

Resentment isn’t Anger

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTdQHPHub/