Dealing With Anger - Part 5

 

A look at the scenarios that make us prone to anger

~~Watch the Video~

Outline:

• Introduction

• Review: Dealing With Anger

• Godly Anger

• Your Anger Teaches You About Yourself

• 3 Categories of Anger Expression

• Causes of Anger

• Why We Get Angry

• Vulnerabilities

• Anger Management Techniques for Chronic Anger

Scriptures:

• James 1:19-20
• Ephesians 4:26-27
• Proverbs 14:29
• Psalms 103:8
• Ephesians 6:4
• Luke 6:41
• Proverbs 29:11

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Introduction

As Christians, we often understand what the bible says about how we should be living our lives…but we don’t know how to do it

• It’s easier said than done

how can we

• Be slow to anger
• Be angry and not sin
• Speak the truth in love
• Take every thought captive
• Be led by the Holy Spirit
• Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and envy

The result of not being able to walk these out means that our relationships in the church and outside of the church are no different than those The world around us

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Learning not just what the word tells us to do, but learn how to do it

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel - empathy
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Being led by the Spirit

Review: Dealing With Anger

Godly Anger

Ephesians 4:26-27

 26BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil [t]an opportunity.

God is concerned with:

1. How we express our anger
2. How long we’re angry
3. How quickly we get angry

Not so much why we’re angry

• Not “righteous anger”

Your Anger Teaches You About Yourself

Anger Reveals Your Idols

Next time you’re angry, ask yourself…

1. What is it that was violated?
2. What are you defending?
3. What is it that you love that was threatened?
4. Why is it an injustice?  

Was is a threat to your:

• Pride / ego
• security/safety
• respect
• status
• reputation
• intelligence
• Ideology (politics, freedom, race, gender, abortion, food, …)
• God

If we build our happiness on things

• A job
• A spouse
• Income level
• Kids success

A threat to that will make us angry

What is it that you value so much that a threat to it makes you angry?

Anger Can Help You Identify Your Emotions

Anger is a secondary emotions

• Whenever anger surfaces there was always something else going on underneath

Example: Honked at when the light  turned green

• You were looking at your phone.  
• guilty - not paying attention
• embarrassed - negative attention towards you
• disrespected - they are honking at you

If you start to take note of the primary emotion… You will learn about yourself

Anger Can Point Out Your Insecurities

Anger is often the evidence of insecurity in my life

There are certain areas/topics that an offense to them make you angry

• Your race
• Age
• Gender
• Education level
• Body type

If you learn why you were angry, You will learn about yourself

Anger Reveals Your Potential for Evil

Your unconscious mind is composed of repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.

We attempt to adapt to religious beliefs, cultural norms and societal expectations.

• So we repress our thought

We try to hide all the things/thoughts that are unacceptable to

• society
• God
• our own morals and values

Example: bicyclist blocking the road when you’re late

• “I should hit them with my car”

Exercise

Exercise: Take Note of Your Evil Thoughts

• The next time you are angry, write down the thoughts that run through your mind
• Even if you quickly dismiss those thoughts as wrong or foolish
• Write down any destructive fantasies
• Write down any angry thoughts

What impulsive aggression flashed through your mind?

You may be shocked by it and don’t want to admit it

3 Categories of Anger Expression

There are three common categories by which we express anger

• Exploding / Spewing
• Stuffing / Repressing
• Indirect / Passive Aggressive

Exploding

Express anger

• Yelling
• Hitting
• Intimidation
• Aggression
• Overly opinionated
• Overly bold
• Forceful
• Demanding

View on Anger:

• “anger is necessary“

The Stuffing

Express Anger:

• Repress/Suppress it
• Ignoring it
• Denying it
• Minimizing it
• Pretending they aren’t really angry
• Avoiding it
• Feel shame when angry

View on Anger

• Anger is bad or sinful
• Conflict is bad

Passive- Aggressive

• expresses anger in ways that don’t directly communicate that they are angry

Expression:

• Silent treatment
• Avoiding people/places
• Withdrawing
• Not following through with commitments or promises
• Making excuses
• Knowingly going at a pace and that is annoying to others
• Become critical and negative
• Withholding affection

View on Anger

• Showing anger is bad
• You can be angry… Just don’t show it

You might be an exploder at home, but a stuffer at work

Solution: Tell the Truth in Love

Ephesians 4:15

15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

• This is the sign of emotional maturity

Have compassion for the other person

• Don’t yell and scream at people
• Go after the issue, not the person

Tell the truth about what’s bothering you

• Don’t tell “white lies” to placate the feelings of others or to avoid conflict
• Don’t ignore what is irritating you
• Don’t just assume that you are right

“I’m irritated about this and I need to think through whether you have a problem or I have a problem“

Causes of Anger

Emotional Hurt

Hurt comes from real or perceived unmet needs

You didn’t get the ____ you deserved

• Attention
• Recognition
• Apology
• Respect
• Reward
• Appreciation

Unmet Expectations

Frustration is real or perceived unmet expectations

Frustration vs Anger

• When the distance between our expectation and our reality is small, we call it frustration.
• When the distance is large, we call it anger.

Desire vs Demand

• When you have a desire that is unmet … you get disappointed
• When you have a demand… You get angry

Desires vs Demands

https://youtu.be/w7jqRIuOYUg

Why We Get Angry

Proverbs 14:29

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

Psalms 103:8

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in mercy.

Vulnerabilities

What makes some people quick to anger?

• rough life

Vulnerabilities are those things that make you more likely to respond with anger

Understanding why you’re angry can help you manage your anger

Family

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Most people learn how to express anger from their parents / family

Some have made a conscious decision to be different

10 Questions to Ask Yourself

• How was anger expressed in your family when you were growing up?
• How did your father express anger?
• How did your mother express anger?
• What feelings, thoughts and behaviors carry on into your relationships today?
• What purpose do these behaviors serve today?
• How were happiness and sadness expressed in your family?
• What messages did you receive about your father or men in general?
• What messages did you receive about your mother or women in general?
• Were emotional expressions limited to feelings of anger and frustration, or were many different kinds of emotions expressed?
• What role did you take in your family?
• Hero
• Rescuer
• Victim
• Wallflower
• Scapegoat

Last Lesson: “Peace looks like boredom to those who grew up in chaos”

Who You Are Today Quote

“The person you are right now is the person who you would’ve felt safe with as a child”

Inaccurate schema

We have schema that tell our brain what to expect in a certain situation

And we don’t always base the current situation on what’s happening here in the present

• expectations

Base it on

• The way someone acts
• The way they talk to you

Example: 19 year old at startup

Trauma

• History of abandonment
• Crime victim

• You may be reacting to a time when you were a victim and trying not to be one again

Example: unreturned text

when someone doesn’t respond to your text makes you feel

• Rejected
• Disrespected
• Betrayed - They’re cheating on you

Emotional Triggers

Specific events can touch those sensitive areas

• long-standing issues that can easily lead to anger

Can be caused by past trauma

Example: Italian Job:  I don’t do dogs

• “I had a bad experience”

Common triggers

• Loss of control
• Rejection/isolation
• Death
• Fear
• Jealousy
• Loss of something you care about
• Failure
• Disrespect
• Embarrassment

You can be triggered by a

• Smell
• Sight
• event

Ask Yourself:

• Why does each of these “sensitive areas“ make you feel threatened, trigger your anger?
• What memory is your reaction related to?
• Is there an actual threat in the current context?

Insecurities

Something was an attack on my self-worth

We feel attacked:

• Emotionally
• Physically
• Psychologically

Example:

• Someone mentions a physical feature about you and you assume it’s an insult or come on
• Mispronouncing/misspell your name
• “Where are you from?”

Physical Stimulus

• Hunger / Hangry
• Low blood sugar
• Alcohol
• Too much caffeine
• Pain
• Illness
• Insufficient sleep
• Hormones

Misinterpreting Physiology as Emotion

Our bodily systems operate pretty much on their own.

There are numerous reasons for

• rapid heartbeat
• flushed face
• tense muscles
• temporarily raised (or lowered) blood pressure.

Some of these are pleasurable (love!), and some not so much (bear!).

Attaching a Story

When we have these physiological sensations, our minds want to attach them to a story; there’s some kind of satisfaction in being able to “blame” a person or situation for our emotions. But our emotions are pretty much based on our thoughts about a situation, not anything someone else says or does.

Blame

“I must be angry because they did…”

Example: agitated when rain coming

Several years ago, I noticed that I’d become agitated (and feel angry) for no reason on some sunny spring days. The externals of my life were fine; in general, I felt serene and peaceful, and yet this irritability would surge inside me. Then I noticed a pattern: On each of these occasions, within 4-6 hours, the sky would cloud over, and it would rain. And I’d feel better almost immediately.

I wasn’t feeling “anger” or “irritability”—I was feeling a shift in adrenalin in my body, likely in response to weather systems I couldn’t see or measure. Today, most of the time, I can identify that it’s adrenalin and detach the physical response from any stories about situations in my life. And I remember to pack a rain jacket if I go out for a walk.

Emotional State

• Overwhelmed
• Irritable  
• Stressed out
• Feeling sensitive or vulnerable

Example: walk into a meeting saying “here we go again“

can be caused by your environment

Relational

• Being in situations that make you feel more on edge
• Around people that tend to trigger anger or be negative

Example: feel irritated by some people

• Whatever they do makes you angry/irritated

Cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are faulty or inaccurate thinking, perceptions or beliefs.

Think about a time something happened and you thought it was one way, but it turned out to be wrong

Example: Kevin and the police

• They can’t do that; it’s illegal

Personalization

• All my fault
• All about me

Minimization of the positive

Example: decline of Christianity

Ask

1. What good could happen, or could come out of this?

Expecting a negative outcome

• situation
• person
• meeting

Mental filter / Only seeing what you expect to see

Example: ideologies

• prejudices/racism/sexism/classism/patriarchy/politics

Ask

What are all the facts?

• Try seeing from someone else’s point of view

Overgeneralization

Blanket statements or beliefs

• “The Republicans/Democrats believe…”
• “Black people always…”
• “White people do this…”
• “Men/Women think …”

Ask

• How is this situation different?
• What are the facts?

Exaggeration of the negative/catastrophize

Example: vaccine is the Mark of the Beast

Ask: How likely is it to happen?

All or nothing

• “You always…”
• “They never …”

Control fallacy

anything that goes wrong is inherently your fault

Example: They died because of your sin

you feel completely out of control

Ask: What parts do you have control over?

Mood Disorders / Chemical Imbalance

Bipolar

People with bipolar disorder can get rage for no reason.

They may then  associate it with something that’s going on around them even though it has nothing to do with it.

People with bipolar or more likely to:

• Be Argumentative
• Have hot tempers
• Act with explosive outbursts

Bipolar disorder can’t be held exclusively accountable for outbursts.

• It is only a factor in the equation.  

Being Judgmental

• Our Values Are Violated

Something You Value

you get annoyed when others don’t do it

• Vegan
• Exercise
• Drive well
• Recycling

Something You Overcame

Something that you overcame yourself, you get angry when you see others doing it.

Christian’s get upset at the sins of others

• Drinking
• Partying
• Cursing
• Not serving
• Misinterpreting scripture

Jealous because you can’t do it

Luke 6:41

41Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?

Talking About Things that Made You Angry

Always talking about things that made you angry

One of the biggest problems with our anger is that we talk about it so much.

Every time we retell the story we get more angry.  

Anger Management Techniques for Chronic Anger

Proverbs 29:11

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.

Some people develop unhealthy coping skills

• Punching a wall
• Yelling at others around them

These will make you end up in a worse place than you start it

Chronic Anger

If you’re angry all the time, ask yourself…

• Are you depressed?
• Do you have well thought through plans, goals, and strategies?
• Do you have something to say or do that you are not saying or doing?

Self-awareness and self dialogue

“if I was in a great mood would this still upset me“

Sometimes you may walk through the house and it doesn’t bother you. While other times it is the end of the world.  

It doesn’t have as much to do with the external environment as what is going on inside of us.

Sometimes the environment isn’t the core issue

Don’t Feed the Fire

If you’re watching the news and it’s making you really angry… Stop watching it

Don’t have an uncomfortable debate with someone when you know it’s not going to be beneficial at that moment

Without some outlet, it will come out

Anger creates an unusual amount of energy

Physical exercise

Some people will need a physical activity that keeps their mind engaged so they won’t still be focus on the negative thoughts

• Activity involving another person…e.g. Sports, class

Identify the Trigger

Agitation Could be:

• People with a certain personality type
• Sounds
• Places

Trace your steps back to try to find the initial trigger that started the irritation cycle

Example: If a woman had an issue with her father they were often projected onto the pastor.  

Treatment

Sometimes quitting substances can be equally effective as medication

• Drugs
• Caffeine
• Energy drinks

Medication

They can be addictive

What works for one person can be destructive with others

Kava kava

Check with your doctor first before taking any medication

Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

• Development of coping strategies
• Changing beliefs

Anger Management Classes

Journal

Track the pattern of your mood changes

Observation and feedback from others

Ask the people around you to let you know when you were getting angry

Make sure you don’t punish someone for giving you feedback

“ I'm not at a place right now where that’s going to help me but I appreciate your trying“… And then leave

Confess Your anger

As long as you deny that it is there… It continues.  Whether you acknowledge it or not the poison keeps seeping through your body

Forgive quickly

Take a time out

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

How to control your anger

Jordan Peterson life advice

10 powerful anger management techniques: help dealing with anger

Polar warriors

How to handle anger part one

Dr. Charles Stanley

Lifespan of an emotion

https://www.livingthemess.com/the-lifespan-of-an-emotion/

Extra

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

is a behavioral disorder characterized by explosive outbursts of anger and/or violence, often to the point of rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand (e.g., impulsive shouting, screaming or excessive reprimanding triggered by relatively inconsequential events). Impulsive aggression is not premeditated, and is defined by a disproportionate reaction to any provocation, real or perceived.