Reconciliation

 

A look at the importance of reconciliation and tips on how to achieve it.

~~Watch the Video~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Be Angry But Don’t Sin
• Leave Your Gift at the Altar
• Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
• How to Reconcile
• The Ministry of Reconciliation

Scriptures:

• Matthew 5:23-24
• Ephesians 4:25-27
• Matthew 6:34
• Matthew 5:21-26
• Matthew 6:15
• John 20:23
• Ephesians 4:32
• Acts 15:36-40
• James 1:5
• Romans 12:18
• Matthew 7:3-5
• Proverbs 18:19
• Proverbs 15:1
• James 1:19
• Romans 15:2
• Colossians 1:19-23
• 2 Corinthians 5:17-20

Matthew 5:23-24

23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

Who has heard this verse before?

Francis Chan example

Who knew that this was related to anger?

This actually relates to anger

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Learning not just what the word tells us to do, but learn how to do it

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel - empathy
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Being led by the Spirit

Be Angry But Don’t Sin

Ephesians 4:25-27

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Neighbor - not just romantic relationships

Anger isn’t a sin

Don’t let your anger cause you to sin

Don't Let What They Did Control Your Response

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CdoCQhhJMZH

Don’t stay angry

 26 Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Staying angry too long will make you susceptible to sin

It’s not just explosive anger that hurts relationships.

• It’s when you stay angry long after the event has happened.
• The results of the explosive anger can cause the lingering anger

Anger causes

• Silent treatment
• Lack of intimacy
• Unwarranted assumptions
• Unforgiveness

Today’s Anger

Today’s Anger is manageable

… Yesterday's anger is dangerous and toxic

“Live in the moment”

Matthew 6:34

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are designed for anger to come in and out.

• If anger stays it is corrosive.

Chronic (long-term) anger causes

• high blood pressure
• Heart problems
• Headaches
• Skin disorders
• Digestive issues

Don’t Give the Devil a Foothold

27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

When you go to bed angry you give the devil a foothold

• Is this the right person
• angry at them for things they haven’t done yet
• You become angry for things you were supposed to have forgiven already
• You create motives
• When you start to imagine a movie in your head… The devil is in control of that movie

Have you ever got mad at someone because of a dream?

Have you ever got mad at someone for something they didn’t even do yet?

anger is the most destructive force in marriage

–Rick Warren

Leave Your Gift at the Altar

Matthew 5:21-26

21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MURDER,’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be answerable to the court.’[krísis]  22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court [synedrion]; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. 23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

25 “Come to good terms with your accuser quickly, while you are with him on the way to court, so that your accuser will not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will not be thrown into prison.

26 “Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last quadrans.

• This is all about anger
• Angry words > Court >  prison/hell
• Reconcile to prevent

Result of Your Anger

21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MURDER,’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be answerable to the court.’[krísis]  22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court [synedrion]; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell [Gehenna].

You caused this issue because you spoke out of anger

Based On Your Expression of Anger

Levels of punishment

• Murder = court
• Anger = court
• “You good-for-nothing” [rhakah] = supreme court =  synedrion
• “You fool” [mōros] = hell = Gehenna

Rhakah empty, i.e. a senseless, empty headed man

mōros

• Foolish
• Used of the virgins with the lamps

Gehenna

• Gehenna, a valley W. and South of Jer., also a symbolic name for the final place of punishment of the ungodly

There are different levels of anger based on your actions/words

• Not why you are angry
• No “righteous anger”

The punishment is based on the harshness of your words

The context here is that you offended someone by saying something in anger

• You know they’re upset by what you said

Importance of Reconciliation

 23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

Jewish offering

• You stand at the rail separating you from the priests
• Waiting for the priest to come take your offering
• Priest will slay it an lay it on the altar

Leave before you have given your offering

Horizontal Relationship Before the Vertical

God is prioritizing your horizontal relationships over your vertical relationship with Him

If you have broken horizontal relationships then you have a broken vertical relationship

Not reconciling can block my prayers

God is saying “don’t bring your forgiveness offering to me before you have sought forgiveness from them“

Matthew 6:15

“But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses.

Don’t Wait For Them to Bring it Up

Initiate the reconciliation

How to Stay Out of Jail

25 “Come to good terms with your accuser quickly, while you are with him on the way to court, so that your accuser will not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will not be thrown into prison. 26 “Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last quadrans.

This is saying reconcile in order to avoid the consequences

John 20:23

If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”

To address conflict is costly, but not to address it is more costly.

Forgiveness vs Reconciliation

Forgiveness is erasing the debt

Reconciliation is restoring the relationship

Forgiveness

Forgiveness means I don’t seek revenge

They don’t owe you

• Money
• An explanation
• An apology
• Gratitude

They don’t need to accept the blame

• Don’t have to own up to the part

I don’t need you to see it from my perspective

If your forgiveness has conditions you haven’t forgiven yet

Reconciliation

the restoration of friendly relations

We are always supposed to forgive everyone

It’s not only if the victim is willing to reconcile

It is not always possible to reconcile

You can have forgiveness without reconciliation

Forgiving

Ephesians 4:32

 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

The snake bite won’t kill you

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cc_bDebJr8k/

The impact on your health of not forgiving

Anger is harmful when you ruminate on it

When You Can’t Reconcile

Are there situations where you can’t or shouldn’t reconcile?

Acts 15:36-40

36 After some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s return and visit the brothers and sisters in every city in which we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, called Mark, along with them also. 38 But Paul was of the opinion that they should not take along with them this man who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. 39 Now it turned into such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. 40 But Paul chose Silas, and left after being entrusted by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.

• Although Biblical actions aren’t always instructions

Sometimes you can only forgive them

Situations Where Reconciliation May Not Be Possible

• The person died
• A romantic relationship where either party has moved on
• Abusive relationship
• Toxic relationship
• They will draw you into sin

How to Reconcile

Ask God for wisdom

James 1:5

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Focus on reconciliation, not resolution

Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship

You may not be back together but you are at peace with each other

Resolution means we resolve every disagreement

We can walk hand to hand without seeing eye to eye

Do Your Part

Romans 12:18

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.

Reconciliation may not happen but as long as you move towards them you have done your part

If you are a part of the conflict, you have a part in the conflict

Choose the Right Time

Find a time that works for them and is good for you

• Not when you are tired
• Not in a public spot

Begin with what’s my Fault

Matthew 7:3-5

3 “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? 5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye!

• This is an exaggeration to make a point

It might be 99% their fault, but you can find something that was your mistake

• Your poor response
• Your defensiveness

Don’t accuse, attack, or blame

We all have weaknesses that we don’t see

Example: not “I’m sorry you took it that way”

Avoid Any Offensive Language

Proverbs 18:19

A brother who is offended is harder to be won than a strong city, And quarrels are like the bars of a citadel.

Don’t Respond Harshly

Proverbs 15:1

1A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Seek to understand before seeking to be understood

James 1:19

You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;

Listen for their heart and perspective

We don’t argue over ideas we argue over emotions

Somebody felt

• Abused
• Slighted
• Embarrassed

People get mad when they

• Feel not listen to
• Feel slighted
• Feel abused
• Robbed of their dignity
• They’re not being paid attention to
• They are not being valued

Was is a threat to their :

• Pride / ego
• security/safety
• respect
• status
• reputation
• intelligence
• Ideology (politics, freedom, race, gender, abortion, food, …)

If you want to connect people can you start with their

• Needs
• Hurts
• Interest

Always listen before speaking

The more you understand people the more patient you will be

Don’t Dismiss Their Fears

Romans 15:2

Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.

We should be considerate of the doubts and fears of others

My fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal.

Your fears are stupid.

• They’re irrational.
• They don’t make sense.

There’s a legitimate reason why I’m afraid of this… And you had to be afraid of it too!!

All  fears are irrational…

• We just have different ways of rationalizing them

Rational lies

Mine are legitimate… Yours are illegitimate

Don’t Be Self-Centered

Philippians 2:3-5

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,

The Ministry of Reconciliation

Colossians 1:19-23

19 For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross.

• We had been at enmity with God
•  now atoned (at-oned) and reconciled.
• originating with the Father and accomplished by the mediation of the Son.

God made the effort to reconcile with us

Sin creates an enmity between God and man. God figured out a way to reconcile the relationship.  

2 Corinthians 5:17-20

17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, this person is a new creation; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 18 Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their wrongdoings against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

God reconcile the friendship that he had with man before sin entered the world

The message is “be reconciled to God“

We are now “Messengers of Reconciliation”

Our mission is not just to reconcile our own relationships, but to help others be reconciled with God

Instructor: Michael Leadon\

References

Anger management, God‘s way - sermon on the mountain number 3

The porch

How to daily deal with anger

XO marriage

The ministry of reconciliation

Creflo Dollar

Learn how to resolve conflict and restore relationships With Rick Warren

Saddleback Church

Emotionally healthy spirituality

Extra

Long term anger destroys feelings of

• Intimacy
• Passion
• Optimism

Matthew 5:21-26

krísis (a feminine noun derived from 2919 /krínō, "to separate, distinguish, judge") – judgment, emphasizing its qualitative aspect that can apply either to a positive verdict (for righteousness) – or more commonly, a "negative" verdict which condemns the nature of sin that brings it on.

liable to the judgment; that is, of the sentence of those inferior courts of judicature which were established in all the principal towns, in compliance with Deu 16:16.

the Sanhedrin, the great council at Jerusalem, consisting of the seventy one members, viz. scribes, elders, prominent members of the high priestly families and the high priest, the president of the assembly. The most important causes were brought before this tribunal, inasmuch as the Roman rulers of Judaea had left to it the power of trying such cases, and also of pronouncing sentence of death, with the limitation that a capital sentence pronounced by the Sanhedrin was not valid unless it was confirmed by the Roman procurator.

Gehenna

All three clearly refer to divine retribution, and that alone, for breaches of this commandment; though this is expressed by an allusion to Jewish tribunals. The "judgment," as already explained, was the lowest of these; the "council," or "Sanhedrim,"which sat at Jerusalem--was the highest; while the word used for "hell-fire" contains an allusion to the "valley of the son of Hinnom" ( Jos 18:16 ). In this valley the Jews, when steeped in idolatry, went the length of burning their children to Molech "on the high places of Tophet"--in consequence of which good Josiah defiled it, to prevent the repetition of such abominations ( 2Ki 23:10 );

It transports us to the moment when the Israelite, having brought his sacrifice to the court of the Israelites, awaited the instant when the priest would approach to receive it at his hands. He waits with his gift at the rails which separate the place where he stands from the court of the priests, into which his offering will presently be taken, there to be slain by the priest, and by him presented upon the altar of sacrifice." It is at this solemn moment, when about to cast himself upon divine mercy, and seek in his offering a seal of divine forgiveness, that the offerer is supposed, all at once, to remember that some brother has a just cause of complaint against him through breach of this commandment in one or other of the ways just indicated. What then? Is he to say, As soon as I have offered this gift I will go straight to my brother, and make it up with him? Nay; but before another step is taken--even before the offering is presented--this reconciliation is to be sought, though the gift have to be left unoffered before the altar. The converse of the truth here taught is very strikingly expressed in Mar 11:25, 26 : "And when ye stand praying (in the very act), forgive, if ye have aught (of just complaint) against any; that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive you,"

Reconciliation Shows Your Love of God

1 John 4:20

If someone says, “I love God,” and yet he hates his brother or sister, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother and sister whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

The Peace of Christ

Colossians 3:12-15

12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also. 14 In addition to all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ, to which you were indeed called in one body, rule in your hearts; and be thankful.

• Love is the perfect bond of unity

Ministry of Reconciliation

Exodus 34

6Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in faithfulness and truth; 7 who keeps faithfulness for thousands, who forgives wrongdoing, violation of His Law, and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, inflicting the punishment of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

God didn’t change, but our relationship with Him changed