Dealing With Anger - Part 3

 

Your anger can actually help you become more like Christ.  A deep look at those with explosive anger.

~~Watch the Video~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1 & 2
• Your Anger Can Reveal Your Heart
• 3 Ways We Express Anger

Scriptures:

• James 1:19-20
• Proverbs 14:29
• Exodus 34:6-7
• Ephesians 4:26
• Proverbs 19:11
• Luke 6:45
• Proverbs 18:19
• Ephesians 4:15

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Introduction

Anger isn’t a sin.  

Anger warns you of a problem.

We will see that our anger can help our relationships and help us grow in our Christ likeness

Anger myths

• Men are angrier than women
• Men and women get angry over different things and often expressed it differently
• Men are more likely to be aggressive in their expression of anger
• women are more likely to use an indirect approach
• The older you get the more angry you are
• The data shows that the angriest people are 14-year-old boys
• As you go from 14-22 it levels off and stays low, through adulthood
• As you get into middle-age in the 50s and 60s it starts to go up again but it never gets to the level it was when you were 14
• Anger always results from human conflict
• People can get angry by being exposed to
• Foul odors
• Aches and pains
• Hot temperatures
• None of which involve or can’t be blamed on the actions of others

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel - empathy
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Being led by the Spirit

Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1 & 2

Anger’s Emotional Family

• Anger
• Hostility
• Fury
• Irritability
• Annoyance
• Wrath
• Rage

What Happens To Your Body When You Get Angry

Fight or flight

• Fight
• Flight
• Freeze

Physical Response

Your anger can surface as

• Tight shoulders
• Tight neck or jaw
• Acid reflux
• Panic attacks
• heart beats faster

Mental Impact

• The world is simplified
• Black and white
• Doubt is eliminated
• Loss of self-consciousness
• Makes you an energizing and focused

trance state (dumbs you down)

• narrow focus  
• reality is perceived in very selective and limited ways
• You don’t think about consequences
• Other people's perspectives can’t be appreciated

Causes poor decisions

Health Implications

Anger leads to

• Heart disease
• Weakened immune system
• Stroke

Both

• Expressing it
• Repressing it

Righteous Anger

• When we are angry about an offense against God or His word
• When we’re angry about what God is angry about

There is no biblical support for this concept

• The cause of our anger doesn’t justify our actions

God is concerned with:

• How quickly we get angry
• How we express our anger
• How long we’re angry

Not so much “why we’re angry”

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

The Godly goal is to be slow to anger

• Not to never get angry
• Not to blow up instantly

Only God Judges

Exodus 34:6-7

Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in faithfulness and truth;

who keeps faithfulness for thousands, who forgives wrongdoing, violation of 7 His Law, and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, inflicting the punishment of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.”

• God is slow to anger
• God’s judgment is independent of his anger

We are not the judge…God is

Don’t Stay Angry

Ephesians 4:26-27

26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Anger isn’t a sin
• Don’t let your anger cause you to sin

Anger Management Strategies (Review)

Did anyone use any of the Anger Management strategies that we discussed?

Memory Verses

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Breathe

• Box breathing
• Take 3 deep breaths before responding

Develop canned responses

• They should be polite and respectful
• Not insulting
• Not dismissive

“ I don’t discuss politics before 5 PM“

Broken record technique

Deescalation Statements

Use during the interaction before you blow up

• “I need a timeout”
• Let’s agree to disagree

Do something to distract yourself

• Take a walk
• Color

Lifestyle Changes

Exercise

Keep track of your anger

• Episode
• Intensity
• Duration
• Anger control strategy / response
• Trigger

Journal

Your Anger Can Reveal Your Heart

Luke 6:45

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil person out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

How we react is often the better thermometer of our hearts than how we act

– – Bryan Loritts

Anger Causes Disordered Love

Your anger may reveal what’s in your heart

Next time you’re angry, ask yourself…

• What is it that was violated?
• What are you defending?
• What is it that you love that was threatened?
• Why is it an injustice?  

Was is a threat to your:

• Pride / ego
• security/safety
• freedom
• respect
• happiness
• status
• people’s opinion of you
• reputation
• intelligence
• significance
• God

What is it that you value so much that a threat to it makes you angry?

What is it that you feel you deserved that you didn’t get?

Do you get angrier when people say something negative about God or about:

• women/men
• A certain race
• A political candidate
• A pastor
• You
• fraternity/sorority

Anger Causes Disordered Goals

Love doesn’t  go after the person…it goes after the problem

Example: someone took your parking spot so you keyed their car

• What problem were you solving?

Anger Can Reveal Your Idols

If we build our happiness on things

• A job
• A spouse
• Income level
• Having perfect kids

and don’t get them…

We will have a low level of anger against

• Life
• God

Anger Can Identify Insecurities

Real or perceived attack on my personal worth

Proverbs 18:19

A brother who is offended is harder to be won than a strong city, And quarrels are like the bars of a citadel.

Anger is often the evidence of insecurity in my life

When someone

• Flips you off
• Speaks down to you

How many of you have felt attacked on social media?

Which negative comments about you hurt the worst?

Example: teasing someone for being rich

• They may not get mad
• Tease about inheriting from daddy

We are all insecure and we all have fears

We feel attacked:

• Emotionally
• Physically
• Psychologically

Ask yourself

• Why am I feeling threatened?
• What is being attacked?
• Who is attacking me?
• Is it somebody you don’t know?
• Is this a small threat or a big threat?
• Who’s approval am I seeking?
• Has anything been resolved in that way before?
• What am I insecure about?

You will learn about yourself

Strategy: How to Heal Disordered Love

Admit That You’re Angry

Watch Your Self Talk

What makes you angry is not what happened to you, but what you tell yourself about what happened to you.  

Example: you are tall

• Tall means attractive
• Tall means linky and uncoordinated

You’re Angry About What You Told Yourself

https://youtube.com/shorts/uAeEI0sVng4

Anger is a Secondary Emotion

• Whenever anger surfaces there was always something else going on underneath

It is often easier to be angry than to face the deeper issues

Examples

Honked at when the light  turned green

• You were looking at your phone.  
• You feel guilty for not paying attention
• You feel embarrassed because they drew negative attention towards you
• You feel disrespected because they are honking at you

Angry at your co-workers for not including you on this decision

• Your pride was really hurt

If you start to look to see what the secondary emotion is… God can use this to change your life

God can use your problem relationships to change your life

• Understand yourself

Use Your Anger To Identify Your Issues

Anger isn’t the problem… It’s the warning light

Use anger to pinpoint

• Your idols
• Your insecurities
• What offends you (your values)

3 Ways We Express Anger

We express our anger in such a wide variety of ways that many people think that it is not an issue in their lives

There are many ways in which people express their anger

• Shut down
• Assert power and authority
• Become aggressive
• Yell,  scream,  shout
• Slam doors
• Belittle
• Slander
• Intimidate
• Demean others
• Become depressed
• Isolate themselves
• Alienate others
• Suppress their feelings
• Repress
• Become fearful
• Punch
• Grab, bite
• Throw things
• Become defensive
• Become prideful and arrogant
• Withdrawn
• Become self righteous
• Curse
• Withhold affection
• Whine
• Put others down
• Roll their eyes
• Blame others
• Feel shame
• Manipulating
• Covering up their feelings
• Experiencing self-hatred
• Making excuses
• Rationalize or justify actions or feelings
• Become discouraged, despondent depressed
• Gossiping or slandering
• Minimizing the anger
• Deny their feelings
• Feel self-pity
• Becoming critical of others
• Becoming sarcastic
• Give the silent treatment
• Cry

3 Categories to Express Anger

Ephesians 4:15

15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

This should be a yardstick as to whether or not we respond correctly to our anger

There are three common categories by which we express anger

• Exploding / Spewing
• Stuffing / Repressing
• Indirect / Leaking

You might be an exploder at home, but a stuffer at work

Example: LA County PM

Exploding Anger

• Exploding / Spewer

Express anger

• Yelling
• Screaming
• Fighting
• Hitting
• Intimidation
• Aggression
• Overly opinionated
• Overly bold
• Blunt
• Forceful
• Tactless
• Demanding
• Repetitive

2 types

• Reaction
• Calculated

View on Anger:

• “anger is necessary“
• “do what I say or else“

Anger may let you feel in control instead of allowing you to realize that you are feeling hurt

Results

• Gives them a sense of power
• Helps release pent-up emotions
• Feelings of guilt
• Sense of loss of control
• Regret
• May cause others to physically retaliate

They have poor impulse control

Relational Impact

• People around them learn to:
• Walk on eggshells
• Not tell the truth
• They wound themselves and others
• strained unhealthy relationships
• Create dysfunction

Solutions

• Recognize their triggers
• Acknowledge their fears
• Give up control - learn to trust God
• Learn to communicate their anger effectively
• Identify insecurities
• Identify vulnerabilities

Fear disguised as anger

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cb0omtKrtmM/?utm_medium=copy_link

Some exploders feel remorse and want to change

Some explorers don’t realize the other person is affected.  They see themselves as trying to get their anger out.

10 questions to tell if you're an exploder

1. I can be blunt and forceful when someone does something to frustrate me
2. As I speak my convictions my voice becomes increasingly louder
3. When someone confronts me with a problem, I’m likely to offer a ready rebuttal
4. No one has to guess my opinion… I am known for having unwavering viewpoints
5. When something goes wrong I focus so sharply on fixing the problem that I often overlook people's feelings
6. I have a history of getting caught in bickering matches with family members
7. During verbal disagreements with someone, I tend to repeat myself several times
8. I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something is wrong
9. I have a reputation for being strong willed
10. I tend to give advice even when others haven’t asked for it

5 or 6 means yes

You learn how to explode from

• A belief system
• Family of origin
• Experiences
• Relationships

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Overcoming emotions to destroy part one: rage

Venture Christian Church

Overcoming emotions that destroy - part two: why we all struggle with anger

Venture Christian Church

The healing of anger

Tim Keller

5 Ways to Diffuse Your anger

Dr Tracey Marks

Extra

The A-B-C-D-E Model

A activating event

B - beliefs about the event (how you interpret it)

C - consequences - reaction

D - Dispute any unhelpful beliefs and reframe them

Make sure you’re not confusing high and low probability events

E - valuate your response

• choose the responses that are worth your energy
• Choose what will be you closer to the things you want in your life

Cognitive resolution model

• Get into your wise mind
• Identify the problem
• Identify your beliefs
• Find facts for and against your beliefs
• Decide whether to resolve the conflict
• Addressing and resolving the conflict

• Validate
• Communicate assertively
• Determine course of action

Memory Verses

Proverbs 29:11

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, For anger resides in the heart of fools.

Proverbs 14:29

One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

Proverbs 15:1

1A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.