Worship: This Love by WorshipMob
Agenda:
Introduction
Defining Wholeness
How Do You Honor Your Parents?
What is Forgiving?
Why You Should Forgive
Barriers to Forgiveness
Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships
What to Forgive
How to Forgive
Parent Forgiving Exercise
Scriptures:
Ephesians 6:2-3
Ephesians 4:32
Proverbs 25:21-22
Ephesians 4:26-27
Colossians 3:12-13
Romans 12:19
Introduction
Ephesians 6:2-3
2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 SO THAT IT MAY TURN OUT WELL FOR YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.
Many of you had parents who weren’t worthy of honor
All of our parents fell short in one way or another
How do you honor parents who were horrible to you?
Why would you honor them?
God is asking us to honor our parents
With no conditions
Don’t look at this as you as a parent
It’s about you as a child of your parents
Many of you haven’t forgiven your mother or father
Reasons Parents Fall Short
Never had a good example of how to raise children well
They can’t read the children’s minds… They don’t know their needs
They were focused on a goal…
Get good grades
go to college
Do good in baseball
In a hurry
Irritable
Tired
Distracted
They are going through their own suffering
Parental health crisis
Sibling was going through crisis
Knowingly doesn’t attend to child’s needs
Seeking and her own comfort or pleasure
Avoiding own pain (drug, serial dating, drinking, partying)
Taking delight and tormenting or abusing their children
Honor Your Parents Even If They Were Demonic
https://youtu.be/z_5OkYUwYd4?si=rH9Bnhu1cLrUzag6&t=260
4:20 - 6:09
… It’s impossible to honor them unless you forgive
Consequences of Not Forgiving
We’re going to see that there are negative consequences in our lives for not forgiving our parents. It impacts:
Our other relationships
Our character
Our relationship with God
Defining Wholeness
Wholeness is about being _______ healthy
spiritually
emotionally
mentally
Free from oppression of
Our past
Bad thinking
Strongholds
The enemy
We’re talking about
dealing with life’s current stresses
being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re promised eternal life
We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Through this 5 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness
Traits of Wholeness
Authenticity
Honesty
Kindness
Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
Living by values and principles
Setting Boundaries
Taking ownership of your responsibilities
Living with purpose and passion
Optimism
Confidence
Not losing control of your emotions
Free from addictions
Addressing Conflict with truth and love
Vulnerability
Not critical or Judgemental
Not jealous of others
Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
Not afraid to fail
Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
Selfless encounters with others
Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
You care about how others feel
Patient
Don’t give into peer/social pressure
Can communicate without antagonizing others
Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
Slow to anger
Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
Can listen without reacting
Can respect others without having to change them
Can function well… Alone or with others
Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
Being led by the Spirit
How Do You Honor Your Parents?
Honor The Position
We prescribe value to the parenting based on
Position/role
Relationship
You need to honor the position of motherhood/fatherhood
Honor them
Pray for them
Wish them well
Honor The Reality of the Relationship
The level of relationship you should have now is based on the reality of the relationship you had growing up
If they were good parents they deserve your
Time
Help
Assistance
If they were not in your life you don’t have a debt beyond honoring the position
Norm’s Didn’t Have a Relationship With His Dad
https://youtu.be/z_5OkYUwYd4?si=-dcyIrydo8OLXs6h&t=1394
23:14 - 25:30
… there’s no reality there
He shouldn’t feel guilty about that
To honor means to
Pray for them
Wish them well
Forgive them
But it doesn’t mean you need to be in relationship
What is Forgiving?
Mayo Clinic Definition
Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.
What Does it Mean to Forgive?
Forgiving is not
Pretending that it never happened
Forgetting what the person did
Trusting them
Letting them back in your life
Forgiveness is not necessarily
Reconciliation
Restored relationship
Forgiveness means
you no longer get angry when you think about it
They don’t owe you anything
Forgiveness does not mean that you need to help them mistreat you
You need to get out of harm's way first
You can forgive and still set boundaries
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Trust is Restored
https://youtu.be/z_5OkYUwYd4?si=B0Ct0BcL9WrdcF7_&t=1062
17:23 - 20:10
You don’t need their response
… all of the things being equal you will die younger, so let go and it will be good for you
It breaks the generational curses
Forgiving Doesn’t Have Demands on the Person
If they still need to do something in order for you to forgive…you haven’t forgiven
Apologize
Admit they did it
Take the blame
See it from your perspective
Why You Should Forgive
We Are Commanded to Forgive
Ephesians 4:32
32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
The Bible tells us to forgive
You Get Rewarded for Forgiving
Proverbs 25:21-22
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; 22 For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the LORD will reward you.
You get rewarded when you return good for evil
Giving the Devil an Opportunity
Ephesians 4:26-27
26 BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.
Anger is not a sin
Still being angry when the sun comes up is the sin
Your anger can turn into unforgiveness
That will give the devil an opportunity
When you hold unforgiveness in your heart… Is when you give opportunity to the devil
Every time you think about the person in the act… You give opportunity to the devil
Take you out of your
Joy, peace, righteousness, patience
Kingdom of God
Opportunity for
Anger
Plotting evil
Planning for revenge
Satan keeps bringing the painful issue to your remembrance
The memory holds you in bondage
Emotional Triggers
You get triggered when
Somebody says or does something similar
We remember that event
You Don’t Have the Mind of Christ
Kingdom of God
If You Have Unforgiveness You Don't Have the Mind of Christ
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxLSEy3QV-TeHNKCISCX1vUSQsUXSCAfYb?si=V_jOe1d3MszsWp7_
To the extent that you have unforgiveness in your heart
You’re not conformed to the mind of Christ
Your mind has not been renewed
You are conformed to the pattern of this earth
Because every time you get triggered you feel just like you felt at the time you didn’t forgive
Unforgiveness Affects Your Character
You can become like whoever you are angry at
You take on their identity
You become like your mother/father
If you don’t forgive
Hate destroys you
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxWCJR_uMyS/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Forgiving Is For You…Not Them
You forgive for yourself
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuHzfqUgvMo/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Forgiveness happens when you are done crying – Stephanie Lynn
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxEkzGlQ5GHQC7srVwpruEE69evlqS28dd?si=bsCKtgJk4ObYwrLU
Drinking poison waiting for them to die – Steve Harvey.
https://youtube.com/shorts/GmDSQDEr3Xo?si=ENaRY7uuI5G79oCL
Being amazed at how much you were forgiven
Colossians 3:12-13
12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also.
Example: Parable of the unforgiving servant
He was forgiven so much,But didn’t forgive
I can’t celebrate being forgiven and seek revenge at the same time
Linger long about the cost of Christ
Your Health
The statement "unforgiveness can kill you" is considered accurate, as holding onto unforgiveness can significantly impact your physical and mental health, leading to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and even contributing to potential health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease; essentially, the constant negative emotions associated with unforgiveness can take a toll on your well-being, impacting your quality of life and potentially affecting your lifespan
–ChatGPT
Barriers to Forgiveness
Justice
We want justice to be done
We are wired to want fairness
Give it to God
“ I’m not gonna be the judge, jury, or executioner anymore“
Trust that judgment will be done
God will settle the account for you
Romans 12:19
19Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.
Let God Settle the Injustice
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxWoBy0WC5XtI6Z6EKxhbf9KPX3JTCPrLl
who’s ever send you forgive will be forgiven
They don’t deserve it
You're Not forgiving them because they deserve to be forgiven?
You are forgiving them because you were commanded to by God.
You are forgiving out of obedience to God
Righteous anger
Righteous anger is often described as being angry about the same thing that God would be angry about
Would Jesus have been angry about it?
Righteous anger that is not forgiven… Is unforgiveness
There is a time limit on your anger when it becomes unforgiveness
“Righteous anger“ is not a concept that is found in the Bible
God is the Judge…Not You
“God executed judgment!”
You’re not God
Need for an Apology
You may never get an apology – Stephanie Lynn
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxcLszLA1u8ExHHq2udof8qOoUtGTjDvZx?si=XxXvL8dYI5CxF3yk
“ an apology without change in action… Is manipulation“
A Need For Them to Acknowledge What They Did Wrong
Some people are caught up wanting their parents to acknowledge what they did
I want my parents to acknowledge it
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxHhTW3lM2ol1eaYrMO8-ViRN3z2r8qgiN
You are asking your parents to provide safety and encouragement in domains where they failed to provide safety and encouragement
You are asking them to
Show self-awareness
Nurture you in an area they may feel the deepest shame
Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships
When you get married your spouse replaces both your mother and your father
You’re Mad at Your Parents Not Your Spouse
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxZYN43XGaBTlbod13QnMOGiDDKmBHsiO1
Many issues we have in life stem from unforgiveness of parents
most of our emotional triggers initiate from our relationship with our mother and father
Example: Bible study
2 People left our bible study
I Reminded them of their father
Whatever issues you have left over from your mother or father, When someone in a relationship with you says or does something similar to that, you get triggered with the same emotions that you felt when you were a child with your mother and father
The deception is that you are angry with your spouse
That is a consequence of unforgiveness
Now the memory of what they did causes us to be tortured for the rest of our lives
If anyone else does something similar he will trigger those emotions over and over again
Once you forgive the parent… the memory is no longer in spiritual jail and you’re no longer tortured
What to Forgive
It’s Based On Your Perception of What They Did Wrong
Forgiveness of your parent is not necessarily based on them actually doing something wrong
It is based on your perception that they did something wrong
We aren’t necessarily forgiving of truth
We are Forgiving of our perception of truth
Example: Dad was never there
He was working two jobs
I need to forgive him for not being there
How to Forgive
Honoring the reality of the relationship also means letting go of your fantasy of having a perfect parent
Let Go of Your Fantasy Mother
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cxp-ocNLv2n/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
What if They Are Still In Our Lives
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxXFnQ35Ymk3LysENJ3ieDF0J-DFrua4V3?si=07_zZW2ueDPSBsG1
We have to continually forgive them
If You Forgive Them in Person
You don’t have to go to the person to forgive them
if they didn’t feel that they did anything wrong…It can cause a bigger problem
Don’t Depend on Their Response
You are going to the person to forgive them.
Not to get a specific reaction from them
admit blame, apology, thank you, acknowledge wrong
Your only goal is to go there and forgive them
You are just getting it off your chest
You shouldn’t be seeking for agreement or apology
Don’t start or sustain a confrontation
Parent Forgiving Exercise
Forgiveness is very specific
Don’t say: “I forgive my dad for all the bad things he did in my life“
Say:
I forgive you because, even though you provided for me and was there; I didn’t feel loved by you
I don’t remember sitting in your lap with your arms around me feeling safe
You didn’t play with me
Dress up
Baseball
You have to forgive from the memory of wherever you received the pain
Example of Forgiving Your Parents
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxpfuzF8Ib1wUFGot2qY2wtKIBbuw4btlX
Ask the Holy Spirit to take you back to that time in your memory
Look at them as if you were that little boy or girl
I forgive you for spanking me so hard that you hurt me
I forgive you for being unjust with me
I forgive you that you didn’t come comfort me
I forgive you that you didn’t ask to be forgiven
I forgive you that you didn’t say I’m sorry
I forgive you that I felt like you hated me
And I release you of that in Jesus name
Extra
Forgiveness Exercise
Make a List of Things They Did Wrong
Make a list of everything you need to forgive them for
Holy spirit bring to their mind anything that was done
Between the ages of one and six
6 - 12
12 - 18
Prom night, first date, dates
18 - 25
College, school, Not help you financially
For anything that caused the most hurt
—-
If you imagine yourself as the 6 or 7 year old boy/girl and you look at your parent how do you feel
We are forgiving based on what is recorded in our minds as true
Make a list of what your mom and dad did wrong
This will be not necessarily what they did wrong, but what you perceive them doing wrong
We will go through a list, and you can say … “dad/mom I forgive you for that“
Close your eyes and see your father/mother as if you are a child
You won’t relate to all of these
Forgive Them For Each Offense
I forgive my dad/mom for…
I forgive you because, even though you provided for me and was there; I didn’t feel loved by you
I don’t remember sitting in your lap with your arms around me feeling safe
You didn’t play with me
Dress up
Baseball
You didn’t help me with
Schoolwork
Sports
Instrument
You didn’t come to my sports events
You didn’t come to my music recitals
How I felt when I looked up and saw the empty seat at the game
I saw all the other fathers/mothers there
But I didn’t see you
You didn’t care
You didn’t want me in your life
I was not affirmed by you. You didn’t tell me I did a good job.
You ignored me
You were jealous of my relationship with my mom/dad
I was afraid to talk to them when you are around
I felt like I was betraying you if I had a relationship with them
You were an alcoholic
You used drugs
I forgive you for how you behaved when you were drunk
You and mom/dad were always yelling
That made me terrified and afraid
When you and mom/dad would fight and yell so loud I had to put my hands over my ears
You hit mom/dad
You threatened them
You pushed them against the wall
When I wake up in the morning I would wonder if she/he would be dead
How you reacted when I brought my schoolwork home
No matter how good my grade was it wasn’t good enough for you
I felt like you rejected me
You left us and went to a new family
And love them more Then you loved us
You went to their school functions and didn’t come to mine
You didn’t come back
You didn’t call me
You abandoned us
You didn’t support us
You didn’t check on us
On those special holidays there was an empty chair where you used to sit
Thanksgiving
Christmas
Father’s/Mother’s Day was confusing when you were gone
It’s hard to find a card to give to you on Father’s/Mother’s Day
I forgot what you look like
I had to keep looking at a picture to remember you
I forgot the sound of your voice
Every time a strange car parked in front of the house… I wondered if it might be you
Every time someone knocked on the door or ring the doorbell I thought it might be you
You didn’t come to visit me
You forgot about me
That I felt it was my job to take care of dad/mom because you weren’t there
For the guilt I felt because I couldn’t do it
I couldn’t take care of the house
All those nights I cried myself to sleep
Wondering where you were and why you weren’t with us
I felt like you loved my siblings more than me
You bragged on them and affirmed them
You didn’t bond to me as a child
I never really felt that I was yours
You never really made a spiritual or emotional connection with me
I felt like everybody else and everything else was more important than me
For all those names you called me
All the names you call
Mom/dad
My brothers
My sister
For touching me in ways you shouldn’t
You exposed your nakedness to me
And I was confused
I cried myself to sleep wondering why you didn’t love me
For allowing others to touch me in ways they shouldn’t and not protecting me
For not knowing what was going on
For not asking me what was wrong
For not noticing the change in me
that I have become withdrawn and depressed
That you weren’t safe to talk to
That I couldn’t come to you with the things that confuse me
I forgive you that when I came to you you pushed me away
Other things were more important
The television
You sshhhshed me
I forgive you that you weren’t available
That you never really made time for me
Your sports were more important
Work was more important
That you wanted to spend time with your friends
That I was afraid of you
I was afraid when I heard your car
When I heard the door open
That you came home and suddenly you were mad
That I had to go hide
That I was afraid that you would find me
No matter how hard I tried I never seem to be able to please you
for all those things that you asked me to do that I was too small to do
That you asked me to do things that you hadn’t taught me how to do
For punishing me for making mistakes
Like I had done something wrong on purpose
For all the times that you said “you should’ve known“
But you never taught me
I forgive you for the injustice of that
I had so much anxiety and fear around you that I did it wrong
That I don’t have good memories like running and jumping into your arms when you came home
That I don’t have good memories of you being excited to see me and your eyes sparkling
I don’t have a memory of you look at me in the eye and telling me that you love me
That I was special
You were proud of me
I never felt like you cared about me
That you never celebrated my birthday
As if you weren’t glad I am on this earth
I feel like you would love me more if I had been a different sex
You made me feel like I was a mistake
And I shouldn’t have been born
That I wanted somebody else to be my daddy/mommy
That I was envious of my friends for having the parent that they had
I forgive you that you didn’t play with me
Or interact with me
you made me feel like I was invisible to you
That you didn’t say my prayers with me at night
that you didn’t talk to me about Jesus
I was afraid of you coming into my room
When you walked into my room I would panic wondering what I had done wrong
I never felt safe with you
That you weren’t there when I needed you
That you never understood me or accepted me for who I am
All I ever got was your leftovers
I felt expendable to you
accusing me of lying
You broke your promise to me… Often
You didn’t come when you said you would come
You didn’t visit when you said you would visit
You didn’t
Send a card
Sent a letter
Send a present
I wasn’t a priority for you
Making me feel like I was a burden to you
for blaming me for the problems between you and mom/dad
I felt like I was the one that had to fix you guys
I had to be intermediary
I had to comfort you guys to make it OK
I had to grow up too fast and I lost my childhood
I was always thinking about what I could do to make mom/dad feel better
That I wasn’t allowed to say no to you
For that certain look you would give me and I knew I was in trouble
For that voice tone
For all those times you embarrassed me over and over and over
That I couldn’t have friends at our home because of how you reacted
That our home was in such chaos and disorder that I felt embarrassed to invite anybody over
That when I did invite kids over you made fun of them and teased them
You teased me and embarrassed me
I lost so many friends because of you
they never wanted to come to our house and play
That deep down inside you taught me… To hate you
For the empty seat in the living room
That it was just never the same after you left
That the house just seemed empty
That I didn’t hear your voice anymore
that it was worse than if you had died because I knew you were still alive but you weren’t in my life
For all the nights I cried myself to sleep
Wondering why you didn’t want me
What was wrong with me
Why was I so defective that you didn’t want me
For the hours I would lie in bed at night wondering about this
I forgive you for how I feel when I see other mothers/father interacting with their children
I forgive you when you left me alone and went to parties
Left me all by myself
When you came back you would look for stuff in the house that I didn’t do that needed to be done
How you would be so angry
That I loved you and hate you at the same time
All the times I felt invisible
When I wanted to talk to you you were in the kitchen and you sshhd me away
Forgive you that I couldn’t interrupt you when you were on the phone
That I could not get your attention
That what I had to say to you was not important to you
that you didn’t teach me the things that I needed to know
how to make my bed
how to cook
the things adults need to do
about finances
about life
That you didn’t set a good example
As a mother… As a wife
A father…a husband
A person
That you never read stories to me or sung lullabies
That bedtime was not a safe time
For calling me those names
Stupid
Dummy
Worthless
For those times that I came home and there was nobody there
There was nothing to eat
That you were out
That you didn’t care
That I couldn’t talk to you about things that were on my mind
That you didn’t have time to listen
All the times you told me that I shouldn’t feel that way
That something was wrong with me
For all the broken promises
Times that you said you would do things and we didn’t
Places you said we would go and we never went
For all the times you said we play and we didn’t
I forgive you that you didn’t spend special time with me
You never grew up emotionally
You still act like a child
that I did not want to grow up to be like you
I want it to be the opposite of you
That there was nothing to brag about you
There was nothing honorable about you
You weren’t respectable
When I think about you there isn’t a warm fuzzy feeling there
That you never talk to me about who you are
That we were strangers when I was a child
That we still are
That you really don’t know who I am
If we talk I have to be the one to call
If we visit I have to come see you
Even though you don’t call you are angry and complain if I don’t
When we go to see you it is so awkward
The children don’t know how to behave around you
That they have to be afraid to act like children around you
Because you will be bothered
You are not a grandfather/grandmother to your grandkids
You aren’t in their lives
We are not a family
How awkward it is when you come to visit you
that you died before making any of this right
Holy spirit bring to their mind whatever is not on this list
You Are Now Forgiven For the Unforgiveness You Used to Have
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxV6epBjnXsi62h2_LiHPhaeus0YcLernv
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