Dysfunctional Families - Seeking Wholeness Summary 19

 

How your family influences you and what to do about it

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Defining Wholeness
• You Are Part of a System
• The Story of Jacob
• Jacob and Esau are Born
• Favoritism
• Jacob and Rebecca Trick Isaac
• Laban Tricks Jacob
• Jacob Leaves Laban’s House
• General Tips to navigate Family Dysfunction
• Discussion Questions
• Conclusion: God can Function in Your Dysfunction

Scriptures:

• Genesis 2:24
• Genesis 25:21 - 26
• Genesis 25:27-28
• Genesis 27: 5-10
• Genesis 29: 21 - 27
• Genesis 31:43

Introduction

Joke: happiness is having a large, loving, caring close knit family… in another city

— George Burns (comedian)

Genesis 2:24

 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

God infers that our marriage relationship takes precedence over our birth family.

We all came from some type of family.

No family is perfect.  

“You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family”  

Dysfunctional family

The term “dysfunctional family” is used to describe families that have problems dealing with one another and the problems follow the kids after they grow up and leave the house.

All families are dysfunctional

• every human on this planet has “their own issues“.

Today we are going to look at the story of Jacob’s family as insight into how our families of origin impacts on our current emotional state

Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Free from oppression of

• Our past
• Bad thinking
• Strongholds
• The enemy

We’re talking about

• dealing with life’s current stresses
• being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re promised eternal life

• We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Through this 5 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness

Traits of Wholeness

1. Authenticity
2. Honesty
3. Kindness
4. Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
5. Living by values and principles
6. Setting Boundaries
7. Taking ownership of your responsibilities
8. Living with purpose and passion
9. Optimism
10. Confidence
11. Not losing control of your emotions
12. Free from addictions
13. Addressing Conflict with truth and love
14. Vulnerability
15. Not critical or Judgemental
16. Not jealous of others
17. Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
18. Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
19. Not afraid to fail
20. Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
21. Selfless encounters with others
22. Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
23. You care about how others feel
24. Patient
25. Don’t give into peer/social pressure
26. Can communicate without antagonizing others
27. Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
28. Slow to anger
29. Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
30. Can listen without reacting
31. Can respect others without having to change them
32. Can function well… Alone or with others
33. Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
34. Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
35. Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
36. Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
37. Being led by the Spirit

You Are Part of a System

We Carry the Patterns We Learned

We are carrying the patterns we learned in our family system and to other relational systems.  

• Coping mechanisms
• World view
• Religion
• Communication styles
• Argument styles
• Emotional triggers

Wounds from your parents.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzoLtWuLal4/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

• “Doing the opposite of what hurt you doesn’t mean you’re healed”

The Story of Jacob

Story of Jacob and Esau’s tale of two brothers who battle for their father’s estate and his blessing. It is also the story of two sisters, Rachelle and Leah, who battle for Jacob’s affection.

Abraham and Sara had Isaac

Isaac and Rebecca

• Barren
• Twins - Esau and Jacob

Jacob -> Joseph

Joseph fathered  12 tribes of Israel

Jacob and Esau are Born

Identity in Christ

Genesis 25:21 - 26

 21 Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was unable to have children; and the LORD answered him, and his wife Rebekah conceived. 22 But the children struggled together within her; and she said, “If it is so, why am I in this condition?” So she went to inquire of the LORD.23And the LORD said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb;

And two peoples will be separated from your body;

And one people will be stronger than the other;

And the older will serve the younger.” 24 When her days leading to the delivery were at an end, behold, there were twins in her womb. 25 Now the first came out red, all over like a hairy garment; and they named him Esau. 26 Afterward his brother came out with his hand holding on to Esau’s heel, so he was named Jacob; and Isaac was sixty years old when she gave birth to them.

• The Older Will Serve the Younger

Birth Order

In that culture, the first born male was the most prized child

A lot of you may have been told that you were worth less than your sibling because

• You weren’t the first born
• You aren’t a male
• Smart
• Successful

What cultural barriers did you face in your family?

Solution: Put Your Identity in Christ

Your self worth should not be based on your

• Gender
• Birth order
• Social status
• Race
• Job title
• Political party

Be mindful of who’s ___ you value

• Opinion
• Approval
• Validation
• Time

7 Steps To put your identity in Christ:

• Reject worldly behaviors: Avoid copying the customs and behaviors of the world.
• Get to know Jesus: Through prayer and studying the Bible, you can learn more about your identity in Christ.
• See yourself as God sees you: Consider how your life would change if you believed everything God says about you in Christ.
• Share your identity: When people ask about yourself, talk about how Jesus has influenced your life.
• Put to death your old life: Let go of your sinful nature and old habits.
• Put on your new life: Through prayer, worship, serving, and meditating on God's word, you can "put on" your new identity in Jesus.
• Practice gratitude: Thank God for what you have, and consider how you would live if you were fully aware of God's love for you.

Favoritism

Genesis 25:27-28

27 When the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the field; but Jacob was a civilized man, living in tents. 28Now Isaac loved Esau because he had a taste for game; but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Favoritism

• Abraham favored Isaac
• Isaac favored Esau
• Rebekah favored Jacob
• Jacob favors the children of Rachel
• Jacob favors Joseph

Favored because of:

• Gender
• Talent
• Grades
• Sports
• Step child
• First born
• Baby
• Job

Did you grow up in a family of siblings where one child was clearly a favorite of one of the parents?

What can parents do?

Awareness 

The number one thing we can do in our families is to be self-aware. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about all your children. If you find that you have feelings of favoritism, awareness can prevent you from allowing these feelings to cause you to treat children differently.

Watch your words

Listen to what you say. Don’t compare children.

• “Daddy’s girl” “Mommy’s boy” can become unhealthy alliances if other children are left out.

Strive for Equal

Make gifts, privileges, time with parents, responsibilities, and discipline as consistent as possible for all children.

God’s Favoritism

God has a pattern of promoting the younger over the older

• Abel
• Isaac
• Jacob
• Joseph
• David

God’s  criteria for blessing is not birth order

•  faith and obedience

Jacob and Rebecca Trick Isaac

Triangulation

• Jacob tricked Esau out of his birthright for some stew

Genesis 27: 5-10

5Now Rebekah was listening while Isaac spoke to his son Esau. So when Esau went to the field to hunt for game to bring home, 6Rebekah said to her son Jacob, “Behold, I heard your father speak to your brother Esau, saying, 7‘Bring me some game and prepare a delicious meal for me, so that I may eat, and bless you in the presence of the LORD before my death.’ 8So now, my son, listen to me as I command you. 9Go now to the flock and bring me two choice young goats from there, so that I may prepare them as a delicious meal for your father, such as he loves. 10Then you shall bring it to your father, that he may eat, so that he may bless you before his death.”

• Rebecca/Jacob vs Isaac

Jacob’s Family Triangulations

We see here the formation of four interlocking family triangles

• Jacob and Rebecca against Isaac
• Jacob and Rebecca against Esau

A dysfunctional triangle helps perpetuate problems

• A functional triangle helps resolve the problems
• The third party may also be the one causing problems

Child was Mediator

In psychology, triangulation refers to a dynamic that can arise from a conflict between two people. It involves them communicating primarily through a neutral party or otherwise drawing a third person into their own issues.

  –BetterHelp

“Tell your mother I said…“

“Tell your father I said…“

Did anyone experience this growing up?

Using Child to Manipulate Divorced Partner

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic where one person involves a third party to create drama or control a situation.

One parent may use the child to

• Messenger
• Paycheck
• Spy
• Cover up lies

Result

• Child will model the relationship of the parents
• Can’t trust people
• View relationship as gain

The triangle pattern between you and your parents is the most important pattern in your life and it determines your future relationships

Can you think of any examples of triangulation in your family?

Resolving Triangulation

1. Recognize the Pattern:

• Identify the Triangulator: Pinpoint the individual who consistently uses this tactic.
• Understand the Goal: Recognize that the triangulator often seeks power, control, or to avoid direct confrontation.  

2. Set Boundaries:

• Limit Communication: Reduce contact with the triangulator, especially when they attempt to draw you into their drama.  
• Direct Communication: Address the triangulator directly and assertively, expressing your discomfort with their behavior.  
• Avoid Taking Sides: Refuse to be drawn into conflicts between others.  

3. Practice Self-Care:

• Prioritize Your Well-being: Focus on activities that bring you joy and peace.
• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences.  
• Limit Exposure: Minimize contact with toxic individuals or situations.

4. Ask God for wisdom and guidance:

• Prayer 

Laban Tricks Jacob

Dysfunction Seeks Out Dysfunction

Genesis 29: 21 - 27

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife, for my time is completed, that I may have relations with her.” 22 So Laban gathered all the people of the place and held a feast. 23 Now in the evening he took his daughter Leah and brought her to him; and Jacob had relations with her. 24 Laban also gave his female slave Zilpah to his daughter Leah as a slave. 25 So it came about in the morning that, behold, it was Leah! And he said to Laban, “What is this that you have done to me? Was it not for Rachel that I served with you? Why then have you deceived me?”  26 But Laban said, “It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the firstborn. 27 Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also for the service which you shall serve with me, for another seven years.”

• Jacob worked 7 years for Leah
• “The deceiver” got deceived

People from dysfunctional families often marry people from dysfunctional families

Jacob fled from his family only to discover that now he was within another dysfunctional family

“ You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. ”

--Frederick Buechner

Study from Brown University: 

many people hope that once they leave home they will leave their childhood family and problems behind; however many find that they experience similar problems as well as similar feelings and relationship patterns long after they have left their own family environment

Chemistry

can be based on dysfunction

• It is how you are used to being treated
• What you saw demonstrated by your parents
• Matching dysfunctions
• In some cases, chemistry can be a sign that this is the wrong person for you

We Subconsciously  go towards what’s familiar to us

Solutions

emotional healing

Prioritize what values are important to you

• even if it’s different than what you’re used to

Jacob Leaves Laban’s House

Parents Overstepping Boundaries

Genesis 31:43

Then Laban replied to Jacob, “The daughters are my daughters, the children are my grandchildren, the flocks are my flocks, and everything that you see is mine. But what can I do this day to these daughters of mine or to their children to whom they have given birth?

• Mine!

Parents try to control adult children

Setting Boundaries

You need to develop an understanding of what your boundaries are and what they will look like in your different relationships.  

The purpose of a boundary is to establish for yourself a course of action that you will pursue for your own well being.

Boundaries around:

• Decision making
• Access
• Responsibilities
• Communication
• Interactions

Set Healthy Boundaries:

• Prioritize Your Well-being: Establish clear boundaries to protect your mental health.  
• Limit Contact: If necessary, reduce contact with family members who trigger anxiety.  
• Communicate Assertively: Express your feelings and needs calmly and directly.

Example: You need to spend the holidays at my house

sense of obligation

Prioritize your values:

• Your family relationship
• self-care

"I" Statements: Express your feelings and needs using "I" statements. 

 For example, "I feel overwhelmed when we always have to come to your house. I would like to have more flexibility to choose where we spend holidays."

Be Specific: Clearly state your expectations. "We'd like to alternate holidays between our house and yours, or perhaps celebrate some holidays with other family members."

Offer Alternatives: Suggest other ways to spend time together, like weekend visits or smaller gatherings.

What Makes Good Boundaries?

A Boundary needs to be:

1. Specific
2. Lead to you act in a certain way to protect your emotional/physical/financial state
3. Judgementless of the violator

It is also important that the boundary IS NOT:

• A threat
• A punishment
• An act of control
• Vague

Cultural Considerations

cultural background

• In some cultures boundaries aren’t a thing

Have you had boundary issues with your parents or your children?

Ways Families Can Be Dysfunctional

Here are a few ways family dynamics can affect your emotional and mental health:  

High-Stress Environments:

• Constant Conflict: Frequent arguments, tension, or unresolved issues can create a stressful atmosphere.  
• Overbearing Expectations: Excessive pressure to achieve or conform to unrealistic standards can lead to anxiety.  
• Emotional Neglect: Lack of emotional support or validation can contribute to feelings of insecurity.  

Dysfunctional Communication Patterns:

• Poor Communication: Ineffective communication styles, such as passive-aggressive behavior or avoidance, can create misunderstandings.
• Critical and Judgmental Attitudes: Constant criticism or judgment can damage self-esteem.

Trauma and Abuse:

• Childhood Trauma: Experiences of abuse, neglect, or emotional trauma can have long-lasting effects on mental health.  
• Witnessing Domestic Violence: Exposure to domestic violence can lead to anxiety, depression, and PTSD.  

Intergenerational Trauma:

• Transgenerational Transmission: Unresolved trauma from previous generations can be passed down, affecting the mental health of subsequent generations.  

Enmeshment and Overinvolvement:

• Lack of Boundaries: Overly close or enmeshed relationships can stifle personal growth and independence.  

General Tips to Navigate Family Dysfunction

Recognize emotional patterns and interactions that are relationship based

Conflict style

• Yelling
• Cursing
• Avoidance
• Passive aggressive

Example: lack of communication

Emotional grounding

Ability to recognize when you are getting caught up in the emotions of the system.  

Example:

• Name-calling
• blame

If you are calm… Other people will feel calm in your presence

Don’t take on everyone else’s emotions

• With emotions that aren’t even ours

Regulate Your Own Emotions

If someone cursing

• emotional regulation

Regulate my own emotions

• can’t control their response

Be slow to anger

Mental autonomy

There is a “family mind”. If you think differently you are an outsider.

question the family beliefs

• Maybe that’s a negative belief about yourself
• People that look different than you

You have to develop your own biblical based belief system

Endure the Discomfort

The growth process can bring up very challenging emotions

We have to

• Stop playing the roles that we’ve always played in our family system
• start to do things differently
• Do things that others disapprove of

Others are going to

• Judge us
• Pushback

This discomfort is a necessary part of the growth process

Discussion Questions

How does your family of origin still impact you today?

Example:

• People pleasing / avoiding conflict
• frugal
• expressing myself

others

• Argument style
• coping mechanism/addictions
• victim mentality

In your opinion, what are some mistakes that your parents made that shaped your life in really deep ways?

Conclusion: God can Function in Your Dysfunction

… what other choice does He have?

Jacob begat Joseph

Joseph begat 12 tribes

-> Judah

-> David

-> Jesus

Dysfunctional families never stop God from working

God didn’t wait for them to get their act together before He would speak to them

• God can lead people in your family that are not perfect

Why does God use dysfunctional people?

Because there aren’t any other kind

God can use you!!

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

• Dysfunctional Families
  
• Dysfunctional Families 2

Extra

Joke: families are like fudge…

• They are mostly sweet, but sprinkled with some nuts

5 levels of family health ?

The family in pain

Real leadership is totally Lacking

Chaos, uncertainty, confusion, turmoil

Conflicts are never dealt with or resolved

No ability to look at issues with clarity

The borderline family

Dictatorship

Nothing but black and white rules

Everyone has to agree with the results

Individuals are not allowed to disagree

The rule bound family

Not in chaos

Feeling loved and good about oneself is dependent on obeying the spoken and unspoken rules of the family

There is an invisible referee

The rules of the family are more important than the individual

The home is permeated with subtle levels of

• Guilt
• Manipulation
• Intimidation

Adequate family

Ability to be flexible and cherish each individual member

Values a sense of closeness

Members can work through difficulties in conflict because of the parent’s

• Good feelings
• Trust
• Teamwork

Optimal family

All the qualities of the adequate family

Members delight in being with one another

Discussion Questions

Which of these 5 categories best describes your experience growing up?

5 types of dysfunctional families

The chronic conflict family

Members fight with each other in harmful ways. They leave one another wounded physically and/or emotionally.

Stems from toxic parenting

• Abusive
• Authoritarian
• Strict

Fear is used to maintain control.

Punishment methods are severe.

Result

Causes

• Chronic stress
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Insecure attachment style

The pathological household

One or more parents suffers from

• Addition
• Drug addiction
• Terminal illness
• Psychological or mental disorders
• Personality disorder
• Mood disorder
• Gambling

The children are responsible and take care of everyday household matters.  

• Children are responsible for tasks that they shouldn’t be responsible for yet.

Result

This causes

• Anxiety
• Depression

The chaotic household

The children are often not looked after because the parents are

• Too busy
• Not present
• Don’t set clear and consistent regulation

There is no routine that the whole family can follow.  

The older children may learn to take the roles of the caretaker.

Result

The children often Have problems with

• Listening to authority
• Discipline
• Concentrating in school

The dominant – submissive household

One parent is the dictator and the other one is passively obedient.  

The dictator parent has no consideration for the wishes or feelings of the other family members.  

The other parent usually has a lot of repressed, negative, and angry emotions.

Result

The rest of the members suffer silently from their poor choices

The emotionally distant family

Nothing is obviously chaotic, but there is very little affection shown between the family members.  

The parents rarely show warmth towards the children.

The children repress their feelings as they grow older

This creates insecure or nonexistent attachment style

Result

This impacts their

• Identity
• Self-esteem
• Ability to form relationships with others

The members of the family usually solve the problems alone instead of seeking help