~~ Watch the Video ~~
Outline
- Introduction
- Traits of Wholeness
- Review - Dysfunctional Families 1
- You Are Part of a System
- The Story of Jacob
- Favoritism
- Triangulation
- Your Family Issues Follow You
- Boundaries
- Unequally Yoked
- Chronic Anxiety
- 5 types of dysfunctional families
- 5 levels of family health
- 7 skills you need to overcome family system enmeshment
- Spiritual growth is Having Your Identity in God
Scriptures:
- Genesis 27:42-46
- Genesis 31:43
- Genesis 32:6-11
- Genesis 31:4-9
- Genesis 30:27
Introduction
Joke: mom at kid’s birthday party
We have the families members
- We chose - husband
- We created - kids
- We were born with - mom
Her kids and her husband influenced her emotional state
It’s not just her past relationship with her mom that impacts her current emotional state
Esau was tricked out of his blessing
Genesis 27:42-46
42 Now when the words of her elder son Esau were reported to Rebekah, she sent word and called her younger son Jacob, and said to him, “Behold your brother Esau is consoling himself concerning you by planning to kill you. 43 “Now then, my son, obey my voice, and arise, flee to Haran, to my brother Laban! 44 “Stay with him a few days, until your brother’s fury subsides, 45 until your brother’s anger against you subsides and he forgets what you did to him. Then I will send word and get you from there. Why should I lose you both in one day?” 46 And Rebekah said to Isaac, “I am tired of living because of the daughters of Heth; if Jacob takes a wife from the daughters of Heth like these from the daughters of the land, what good will my life be to me?”
There are some problems going on in this family
Jacob isn’t stressed just because of his
- Negative Self talk
- Childhood traumas
- Relationship with his primary caregiver
- Mindset
Jacob can’t solve all of his problems by looking inside of himself and healing from the past
His brother wants to kill him
Some issues are from our past trauma in our families
Some issues are from our present relationships in our families
Dysfunctional family
The term “dysfunctional family” is used to describe families that have problems dealing with one another and the problems follow the kids after they grow up and leave the house.
Our families impact our emotional health.
The people in your house play a part in your emotional health.
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be:
- Spiritually healthy
- Emotionally healthy
- Mentally healthy
Free from oppression of
- Our past
- Ourself
- Bad thinking
- Strongholds
- The enemy
We’re talking about
- dealing with life’s current stresses
- being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just promised eternal life
- We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Traits of Wholeness
- Authenticity
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Not dependent on external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Optimism
- Confidence
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict with truth and love
- Vulnerability
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
- You care about how others feel
- Patient
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate directly
- Can communicate without antagonizing others
- Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
- Take responsibility for your own emotions
- Slow to anger
- Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
- Can listen without reacting
- Can respect others without having to change them
- Function well… Alone or with others
- Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
- Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
- Being led by the Spirit
Review - Dysfunctional Families
You Are Part of a System
You are part of a family system
It’s not just about what’s going on inside of you
Your Family Impacts Your Emotional Health
pathology is also a relational issue
Emotions move through families
The way that the individual family members relate to each other impacts the whole system.
Quote: “when a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”
We Carry the Patterns We Learned
We are carrying the patterns we learned in our family system and to other relational systems.
- Coping mechanisms
- World view
- Theology
- Communication styles
- Argument styles
- Emotional triggers
The Story of Jacob
Story of Jacob and Esau is a tale of two brothers who battle for their father’s estate and his blessing. It is also the story of two sisters, Rachelle and Leah, who battle for Jacob’s affection.
Isaac and Rebecca
- Barren
- Twins - Esau and Jacob
- Esau sells birthright
- Rebecca/Jacob steal the Abrahamic blessing
Jacob and Rachel
- Finds Rachel
- Tricked by Laban
- Marries Leah
- Rachel barren
- 12 tribes of Israel
Favoritism
Favoritism is to show inordinate attention, give special privileges, or give less discipline to one child over another.
- Abraham favored Isaac
- Isaac favored Esau
- Rebecca favors Jacob
- Jacob favors the children of Rachel
- Jacob favors Joseph
- He follows the pattern of his own family where Isaac openly favored Esau
It is not favoritism, however, if one child’s behavior causes them to lose a privilege while another child’s compliant behavior allows them to retain a privilege as long as the rules are consistent for both.
Favoritism can cause
- depression
- anxiety
- low self-worth
- performance issues
- and even suicidal thoughts
Why might one child be favored over others?
a child might be favored because of
- gender
- “firstborn”
- “baby” of the family
- biological vs stepchildren
The favored child in future relationships
- dependency
- desire to be liked or accepted
What can we do?
Awareness
The number one thing we can do in our families is to be self-aware. Be honest with yourself about how you feel about all your children. If you find that you have feelings of favoritism, awareness can prevent you from allowing these feelings to cause you to treat children differently.
Watch your words
Listen to what you say. Don’t compare children. “Daddy’s girl” “Mommy’s boy” can become unhealthy alliances if other children are left out.
Strive for Equal
Make gifts, privileges, time with parents, responsibilities, and discipline as consistent as possible for all children.
Example: I looked like my mom
God’s Favoritism
In the Bible, God often favored the one who was least favorite in the family
God favored the one who had the blessing
God had a pattern of taking the unexpected
- Jacob
- David
Triangulation
Rebecca and Jacob tricked Isaac
Triangulation
- 2 gang up on 1
- 1 mediates for 2 others
The triangle pattern between you and your parents is the most important pattern in your life and it determines your future relationships
All triangles aren’t dysfunctional
Your Family Issues Follow You
Jacob fled from his family only to discover that now he was within another dysfunctional family
People from dysfunctional families tend to marry into dysfunctional families
Chemistry
can be based on dysfunction
- It is how you are used to being treated
- In some cases, chemistry can be a sign that this is the wrong person for you
Boundaries
Genesis 31:43
Then Laban replied to Jacob, “The daughters are my daughters, the children are my grandchildren, the flocks are my flocks, and everything that you see is mine. But what can I do this day to these daughters of mine or to their children to whom they have given birth?
Laban said Jacob was taking “his daughters and his grandchildren”
Parents try to control adult children
Set Boundaries around
- Decision making
- Access
- Responsibilities
- Communication
- Interactions
Unequally Yoked
Rachel stole the gods of Laban, her father
Marrying a non-Christian?
What is the purpose of life?
- To honor God
Then your primary factor in choosing a mate should be how well they help you honor God.
Not their
- Finances
- Race
- Age
- Looks
- Height
- Education
- Job
- chemistry
- Personality
What are your major decisions based on?
Chronic Anxiety
What are some reasons people get anxiety?
Genesis 32:6-11
6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, “We came to your brother Esau, and furthermore he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.” 7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed; and he divided the people who were with him, and the flocks, the herds, and the camels, into two companies; 8 for he said, “If Esau comes to the one company and attacks it, then the company which is left will escape.” 9 Then Jacob said, “God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, LORD, who said to me, ‘Return to your country and to your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ 10 I am unworthy of all the favor and of all the faithfulness, which You have shown to Your servant; for with only my staff I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two companies. 11 “Save me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau; for I fear him, that he will come and attack me and the mothers with the children.
Jacob is stressed because he thinks Esau wants to kill him
Anxiety
Anxiety is a general word for emotional tension or stress
It impairs our ability to think and reason
Acute anxiety is that pain in your stomach when you’re about to
- Take a test
- Give a speech
- Stressed at work
- Watch a scary movie
Is Jacob the only one who is stressed in this situation?
Chronic Anxiety
Chronic anxiety is background anxiety
Chronic anxiety can spread from one person to another
- Especially if you’re in a relationship with another person
The less emotionally healthy you are… The more anxiety you carry around
Example: if mama's not happy… No one is happy
People might transfer their mood
There is a level of stress that you obtain from the people you interact with regularly
Example: here comes a dog
Results
“reactive“ vs “responsive“
When we have chronic anxiety we react
- Attack/defend
- Cranky and defensive
- Withdraw
- Netflix, YouTube, video games
- Retreat
- Physically leaving stressful situations
- Stay longer at work
- Suddenly take up calls
- Overload
- Overwhelmed and flooded with feelings
—- measuring your family’s emotional health —
5 types of dysfunctional families
The chronic conflict family
Members fight with each other in harmful ways. They leave one another wounded physically and/or emotionally.
Stems from toxic parenting
- Abusive
- Authoritarian
- Strict
Fear is used to maintain control.
Punishment methods are severe.
Result
Causes
- Chronic stress
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Insecure attachment style
The pathological household
One or more parents suffers from
- Addition
- Drug addiction
- Terminal illness
- Psychological or mental disorders
- Personality disorder
- Mood disorder
- Gambling
The children are responsible and take care of everyday household matters.
- Children are responsible for tasks that they shouldn’t be responsible for yet.
Result
This causes
- Anxiety
- Depression
The chaotic household
The children are often not looked after because the parents are
- Too busy
- Not present
- Don’t set clear and consistent regulation
There is no routine that the whole family can follow.
The older children may learn to take the roles of the caretaker.
Result
The children often Have problems with
- Listening to authority
- Discipline
- Concentrating in school
The dominant – submissive household
One parent is the dictator and the other one is passively obedient.
The dictator parent has no consideration for the wishes or feelings of the other family members.
The other parent usually has a lot of repressed, negative, and angry emotions.
Result
The rest of the members suffer silently from their poor choices
The emotionally distant family
Nothing is obviously chaotic, but there is very little affection shown between the family members.
The parents rarely show warmth towards the children.
The children repress their feelings as they grow older
This creates insecure or nonexistent attachment style
Result
This impacts their
- Identity
- Self-esteem
- Ability to form relationships with others
The members of the family usually solve the problems alone instead of seeking help
Discussion Question
Do you related to one of these types of families?
Story: tv at dinner
Generational curses
- Patterns from parent
- Coping mechanisms
- Biases
- Mindsets
5 levels of family health
The family in pain
Real leadership is totally Lacking
Chaos, uncertainty, confusion, turmoil
Conflicts are never dealt with or resolved
No ability to look at issues with clarity
The borderline family
Dictatorship
Nothing but black and white rules
Everyone has to agree with the results
Individuals are not allowed to disagree
The rule bound family
Not in chaos
Feeling loved and good about oneself is dependent on obeying the spoken and unspoken rules of the family
There is an invisible referee
The rules of the family are more important than the individual
The home is permeated with subtle levels of
- Guilt
- Manipulation
- Intimidation
Adequate family
Ability to be flexible and cherish each individual member
Values a sense of closeness
Members can work through difficulties in conflict because of the parent’s
- Good feelings
- Trust
- Teamwork
Optimal family
All the qualities of the adequate family
Members delight in being with one another
Discussion Questions
Which of these 5 categories best describes your experience growing up?
7 skills you need to overcome family system enmeshment
recognize emotional patterns and interactions that are relationship based
Conflict style
- Yelling
- Cursing
- Avoidance
- Passive aggressive
Emotional grounding
Ability to recognize when you are getting caught up in the emotions of the system.
Example: goals vs milestones in meetings
- when I say wait a minute… What is our goal here… In meetings at work
If you are calm… Other people will feel calm in your presence
Don’t take on everyone else’s emotions
- With emotions they aren’t even ours
Example: road rage
Mental autonomy
There is a “family mind”. If you think differently you are an outsider.
question the family beliefs
- Maybe that’s a negative belief about yourself
- “you are lazy“
- People that look different than you
You have to develop your own biblical based belief system
Develop The ability for internal validation
In our society we are constantly focused on
- What do others think of me?
- How do others see me?
- Do others like me?
- Do others love me?
We base our lives on what other people are going to approve on
We fear their rejection and disapproval
We need to validate and approve ourselves even if no one else in our lives necessarily agrees or approves of what we are doing
Set Boundaries
You need to develop an understanding of what your boundaries are and what they will look like in your different relationships.
The purpose of a boundary is to establish for yourself a course of action that you will pursue for your own well being.
Always Late
An example: You make a plan to go travel with someone who has a history of being late. A healthy boundary is to simply decide if they are more than 15 minutes late, you will leave without them.
A Boundary needs to be:
- Specific
- Lead to you act in a certain way to protect your emotional/physical/financial state
- Judgementless of the violator
It is also important that the boundary IS NOT:
- A threat
- A punishment
- An act of control
- Vague
For example If your friend is late you don't
- threaten to disown them
- punish them with mind games
- try to control their behavior so they won't be late next time
- vaguely warn that they should be on time if they know what's good for them
Borrowing Money
Example: Won’t loan more than $200 in a month
Examples: In Town For a Visit
I am so excited for your visit! You can’t stay in my house this time, but I can recommend a few hotels nearby.
When you come visit, make sure you make plans of your own because I won’t be able to spend full days with you.
Endure the Discomfort
The growth process can bring up very challenging emotions
We have to
- Stop playing the roles that we’ve always played in our family system
- Start to set boundaries
- start to do things differently
- Do things that others disapprove of
Others are going to
- Judge us
- Pushback
This discomfort is a necessary part of the growth process
The concern
A lot of these methods don’t apply if you are the inconsiderate, selfish one in the relationship
Spiritual growth is Having Your Identity in God
How did Jacob initially deal with his problems?
Manipulation / trickery
Running away
- Avoidance
Genesis 31:4-9
4 So Jacob sent word and called Rachel and Leah to his flock in the field, 5 and said to them, “I see your father’s attitude, that it is not friendly toward me as it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. 6 “You know that I have served your father with all my strength. 7 “Yet your father has cheated me and changed my wages ten times; however, God did not allow him to do me harm. 8 “If he said this: ‘The speckled shall be your wages,’ then all the flock delivered speckled; and if he said this: ‘The striped shall be your wages,’ then all the flock delivered striped. 9 “So God has taken away your father’s livestock and given them to me.
Why was Laban’s attitude towards him changing?
- Because he became richer than Laban
- Application: People will cheer you on until you surpass the limits they have for you
Jacob used to be a selfish trickster
Jacob gave God the glory
Jacob acknowledges God’s
- presence
- partnership
- protection
Jacob is viewing life through the lens of God
Put Your Identity In Christ
Be mindful of who’s
- Opinion
- Approval
- Validation
- Energy
- Time
Matters to you
God’s should matter more
You want to filter your life through God
Not My Might
Jacob saw God as The source of his wealth
- Not his cleverness
- Not his tricks
- He would put
Witness
His wives probably knew the tricks he did
- Yet he still gave God the glory
Genesis 30:27
27But Laban replied, “If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that the LORD has blessed me because of you.”
God used Jacob to make a believer out of Laban
If we follow God and put our identity in Christ, God will change us
He can use the change in us to change our family
References
Connecting
Larry Crabb
Emotionally Healthy Christianity
Peter Scazzero
Maury Bowen family therapy differentiation techniques
My people patterns
Chronic anxiety
Bowen Center
Bowen family system therapy: short explanation by Kirk Honda
Jerry Wise
A study of Biblical families from the perspective of family systems therapy
Gunar John Kravalis | Wilfrid Laurier University
Families are dysfunctional… But God
Skip Heitzig
Dysfunctional families: Jacob
Creekside Christian church
7 skills you need to overcome family system and measurement through self differentiation
Deborah Laura
https://www.counselingandwellnesscenter.com/articles/favoritism
Extra
Both Esau and Jacob were doing well
Genesis 33:8-10
8 And he said, “What do you mean by all this company which I have met?” And he said, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.” 9 But Esau said, “I have plenty, my brother; let what you have be your own.” 10 Jacob said, “No, please, if now I have found favor in your sight, then accept my gift from my hand, for I see your face as one sees the face of God, and you have received me favorably.
Goals of Bowenian therapy
- Help people become differentiated
- Help people to be thoughtful in the face of stress rather than to be reactive without thinking
- Teach emotional awareness skills and emotional management skills
- Coach to client differentiate from their family of origin
- Help people communicate their needs in a more differentiated manner
- Encourage clients to take responsibility for their own life
They assess the family
- Pattern
- History
- Structure
- Each person's differentiation level
- How each person handle stress
- The way anxiety moves through the family
- The way they triangulate
Jacob Wrestles With God
Make a Change
Jacob wrestles with “the Man”
Jacob's hip is cripple. The runner can no longer run.
Wrestling with God
“Are you wrestling with God?”
- Are you wrestling with dysfunction
Stop running away and limp towards God
Story: Johnny Killing Grandma’s Duck
- Slingshot in the woods
- Johnny killed his grandmothers duck
- His little sister made him do her chores so she wouldn’t tell
- When you told the grandmother said she knew all along
- “I wondered how long were you going to allow Sally to make you a slave“
How long have you been a slave to that
- sin
- Tragedy
- Unhealthy Mindset
- Unforgiveness
- Sibling Rivalry
- Family value that goes against the bible
It doesn’t have to define you
Are you going to live through the lens of your dysfunction, or through the lens of God who can function in your dysfunction
Fractured by Your Family
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