~~ Watch the Video ~~
Outline:
- Introduction
- How We Deal With Stress
- Coping Strategies
- The Goal of Wholeness
- Ineffective Coping Strategies
- What Are Emotional Triggers?
- Forgiveness Cancels the Debt
- Practical Solutions
- Dying to Self
Scriptures:
- Proverbs 25:28
- Proverbs 29:25
- Ephesians 4:26-27
- Proverbs 15:18
- Galatians 5:22-23
Introduction
Proverbs 25:28
Like a city that is broken into and without walls So is a person who has no self-control over his spirit.
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho
Much of self control is about how you manage your emotions.
- Managing how you feel
Emotions
Some churches teach that feelings are unreliable and can’t be trusted.
To feel is to be human. To minimize what we feel is to distort what it means to be an image bearer of God.
Understand how we manage our emotions
We’re going to take a deep look at the strategies and behaviors that you are already using to manage your emotions.
Defining Wholeness
Wholeness is about being _______ healthy
- spiritually
- emotionally
- mentally
Free from oppression of
- Our past
- Bad thinking
- Strongholds
- The enemy
We’re talking about
- dealing with life’s current stresses
- being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re promised eternal life
- We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Through this 4 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness
Traits of Wholeness
- Authenticity
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Optimism
- Confidence
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict with truth and love
- Vulnerability
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
- You care about how others feel
- Patient
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate without antagonizing others
- Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
- Slow to anger
- Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
- Can listen without reacting
- Can respect others without having to change them
- Can function well… Alone or with others
- Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
- Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
- Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
- Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
- Being led by the Spirit
How We Deal With Stress
Handling Stress
A stressor can be events or environments that individuals might consider
- demanding
- challenging
- threatening individual safety
Life stressors
- negative
- loss of a job
- divorce
- Pandemic
- Natural disasters
- the death of a loved one
- Positive
- Marriage
- Birth
- Moving
- A new job
What are some ways you cope with stress, anxiety and hurt?
- Have a drink
- Social Media
- Television
- Pray
- Go to sleep
- Talking to friends
- Crying
- Get angry
- Eat ice cream
- Shop
- Watch Pornography
- Drugs / weed
- Sex
- Clubbing
- exercise
- Breathing
Coping Strategies
Coping strategies are the behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that you use to adjust to the changes in your life. They are designed to help us reduce the negative emotions associated with difficult events, situations, relationships, and more.
Coping
- occurs in response to psychological stress
- usually triggered by changes
- to maintain mental health and emotional well-being
Coping Approaches
3 approaches to protecting ourselves from emotional hurt.
- Proactive Strategies
- Reactive Strategies
- Displaying Your Emotions
Proactive Coping Strategies
Proactive coping strategies are preemptive
- anticipate anything that might upset or hurt you
- control your environment to keep you safe
Proactive coping, in which a coping response aims to neutralize a future stressor.
Example:
- Adjusting expectations
- Pessimist
- People pleasing
Anticipating various outcomes or scenarios in life may assist in preparing for the stress associated with any given change or event.
Reactive Coping Strategies
Reactive strategies kick in when you start to experience the negative emotions
Proactive coping may revolve around shame whereas the reactive coping rebels against the shame with destructive behavior.
Example:
- Getting Angry
- Self blame
Experiencing the Emotion
All of these strategies are employed to prevent the actual emotion from being displayed. The final option is to actually display the emotion potentially resulting in an emotional outburst.
Example: crying
Proactive strategies try to prevent the situation from happening.
The other strategies try to address the situation after it has happened.
Proactive Coping Strategies
The primary function of proactive behaviors is to protect us from getting into any situation that can trigger past memories that hurt us
We try to avoid interactions or situations that might cause us to leak feelings, sensations, or memories into consciousness
Some common proactive coping strategies include:
- Critics
- taskmasters
- approval seekers
- Pessimist
- Caregiver
- Victim
- Self-limiting
- controlling
- perfectionism
- codependency
- hi criticism
- narcissism
- people pleasing
- avoiding risks
- constantly striving to achieve
- Avoid conflict
Also
- Being an Achiever
- Being Antisocial
- Staying Single
- Player
- Flirtatious
- Alpha
- Ignoring people
- The philosopher
- Taking on popular values
Lifestyle
- Relationship with God
- Exercise
- Prayer
- Tithing
- Meditation
- Recreation
Controlling Relationships and the Environment
The goal is to control relationships and environment so you won’t be
- Humiliated
- Abandoned
- Rejected
- Attacked
- or anything else unexpected and harmful.
It’s about controlling your
- Appearance
- Image
- Performance
- Emotions
- thoughts
Never Again
“never again” philosophy
“Never again will I let you be so
- Weak
- Needy
- Dependent
- Open
- Trusting
- Happy
- Risk-taking
- Poor
Proverbs 29:25
The fear of man brings a snare, But one who trusts in the LORD will be protected
Reactive Coping Strategies
Reactive coping strategies have the same goal as proactive - to keep you from experiencing hurt
Proactive coping strategies are intended to avoid emotional pain.
- When that fails, reactive coping strategies kick in
Reactivate behavior aims to eliminate the
- Bad feelings
- thoughts
- sensations and memories
Sometimes without regard for the consequences.
The person goes into autopilot.
- Do things against the person’s best interest.
- Acting In your emotional mind.
Don’t care about the consequences
Proactive strategies want you to look good and be approved of
- Some reactive strategies only care about distracting from the pain
Active vs Avoidant
Active coping strategies involve an awareness of the stressor
- followed by attempts to reduce the negative outcome
Avoidant coping is characterized by ignoring the issue
- resulting in activities that aid in the denial of the problem
Active Strategies
- Prayer
- Seeking support
- Asking for help, or finding emotional support from family members or friends
- Problem-solving
- problem solving aims to locate the source of the problem and determine solutions.
- calming techniques
- Breathing
- can help to manage stress and improve overall coping.
- Self-blame.
- Internalizing the issue, and blaming oneself (beyond just taking responsibility for one's actions),
- leads to low-self esteem and sometimes depression.
- Venting.
- Venting is the outward expression of emotions, usually in the company of friends or family.
- Humor
- Pointing out the amusing aspects of the problem at hand, or "positive reframing,"
Avoidant Coping Strategies
Denial
- Avoidance of the issue altogether may lead to denying that a problem even exists.
- Denial is usually maintained by distractions
What are some things people do to distract themselves from their problems?
Socially acceptable distractions
- work
- food
- television
- Netflix
- shopping
- dieting
- flirting
- prescription drugs,
- cigarettes,
- coffee,
- daydreams,
- gambling,
- thrill-seeking activities
Less acceptable strategies
- illegal drugs
- Alcohol
- suicidal thoughts or behavior
- rage and acts of domination
- self-mutilation
- compulsive sexual activity
- stealing
- getting into punitive relationships
- Outburst of anger
- Violence
Many times, people resort to the second list immediately because they have found over the years that the first list doesn't help ease their emotion.
Displaying Your Emotions
Emotional Outburst
Sometimes we feel the emotions so strongly that the proactive and reactive strategies can’t hold it back
Living in that emotional state.
- Always crying
- Always afraid
- Sad
The Goal of Wholeness
A whole person will use proactive, reactive and emotional strategies, but won’t over rely on one.
A whole person is generally confident, curious, calm and compassionate.
Because you no longer carry burdens of fear, shame, rage, despair, you are whole, you trust your emotions.
They know which conversations are the most difficult and it knows that they must have them.
- They know how to lead with emotion because they aren’t driven by fear.
- They don’t blame others for how you feel when they can’t control how you feel.
Things that used to trigger automatic responses in you lose their charge, and you can break lifelong patterns related to work, intimate relationships, your body, creativity, addictions and more.
The first step is to identify the different triggering emotions.
- “When this happens I feel this way“
Ineffective Coping Strategies
Ineffective coping mechanisms, also referred to as maladaptive coping, may also be applied to stressful events or internal conflict, often unconsciously. Maladaptive coping mechanisms are counterproductive.
The problem is when the thing you’re using to cope… Makes the situation worse
Self Medication
People who struggle with addictions often
- remain in denial
- don’t know how to cope with stress in a healthy way
- blaming themselves for a negative past experience
Self Medication
People self medicate to ease the pain
Unresolved trauma develops coping mechanisms.
- you self medicate when you feel the pain.
- When many people get drunk or high it’s not for the high.
- not feel the trauma
- Sex, porn, drinking, clubbing
Everyone has issues but it’s what you do about them that is dangerous.
Afterwards you feel feeling
- Embarrassed
- Hostile
- Addicted
- fat
- sneaky
- insensitive
- compulsive
- Failure
- Ashamed
Actions For Addiction
It takes 63 days to break a habit
You need three 21 day cycles to heal your mind.
To change your habit we need new information to learn whatever value we had placed on it before is outdated.
We have to take our brain out of auto pilot and think about how rewarding the activity is right now.
Instead of telling people to stop smoking, have them pay attention when they smoke.
- Taste
- Smell
This helps us reset the reward value in our brain and helps us break bad habits.
Be curious
Ask God to help you at every step
- Analyze the triggering emotion
- Analyze the behavior
- Analyze the thought pattern
- Come up with an action plan (replace it)
- Take it to God
See more detail at
https://unchaineddisciples.blogspot.com/2021/05/overcoming-addictions.html
What Are Emotional Triggers?
Emotional trigger is when something Happens and you have an emotional response that is disproportionate to what is happening
- You blow up at a small thing
- You overreact
- Overthink
- Overstressed
- Over obsess
It’s usually because whatever happened hit a deeper wound or a deeper insecurity.
- We are reacting to the past.
- Something inside of us is feeling deeply threatened.
- This is why we have the big reaction.
Triggered when you feel
- Rejected
- Abandoned
- Belittled
- Attacked
The Source of Triggers
The Source
We get triggered because of a bad experience
- first time
- Traumatic time
First time someone:
- Someone embarrasses you
- reject
- Laughs at
- Yelled at
- violate your trust
- Called you stupid
- Ignores
- Gives you the silent treatment
- cheated
- Makes fun
- gives you a certain look
- Talked down
- Touched you inappropriately
- Withdraws love
Physical Reaction
- Heart beating fast
- breathing is heavy
- Clenched fist
- Revert to the same mental age as when it happens
The Triggering Experience
You’re triggered when someone
- embarrasses you
- reject you
- Laughs at you
- Yelled at you
- You make the same facial expression
- Same hand gesture
- Same tone of voice
Story: Boy Who Was in the Way
Dad
Boy going to get some water
- Stops to watch TV
Drunk dad
- hits him in head
- “Stupid”
- “In the way”
- “Worthless”
Physical Response
- heart start to speed up
- his breathing is heavy
- He clenches his fist
He internalized how to feel when someone
- raises their hand
- sneaks up on from behind
- He’s blocking someone’s view of the TV
- blocking his view of the TV
- calls him stupid
- “ worthless”
- “in the way“
- looks like his father
These are now triggers for him
Boss
Turns in a report to boss
boss called it worthless
Same physical response
Who is John really angry at?
John believes that he is angry at his boss
- If he hadn’t have put it on my desk
- If he had not of said that I’m worthless
- I wouldn’t have reacted this way
That is true, but the bigger truth is that even if his boss did do that he still shouldn’t have that big of a response
Wife
When John goes to explain to his wife what happened he says
- He thinks I’m stupid
- He thinks I’m in the way
His wife tells him he is in the way
- He responds “don’t you ever tell me I’m in the way“
- You think I’m stupid just like my boss
- You think I’m worthless
Kids
He goes in the living room and one of the kids were playing in front of the TV
- calls the other kid stupid
He slaps a little boy in the back of the head and tells him he’s worthless
Now we have familiar curse passed down to the next generation
- Now he has programmed his son with the words stupid, worthless, and in the way
Now John is upset because he swore he wouldn’t do it with his own kids
It is great to know what in your childhood caused the trigger, but the main goal is to determine what triggers you.
Transference
Yes you are mad at the person standing in front of you
- More mad at the person who did it the first time
- And you’re taking it out on the person who is in front of you
Other source examples
- Cheating parent or first boyfriend/girlfriend
- Left alone for a long time as a child
- Child ignored by parents
Triggering reveals something about you
- areas of your emotions that need healing.
- what you have pride in
- What your ego is tied to
- what you are seeking validation from
Forgiveness Cancels the Debt
Ephesians 4:26-27
26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
27and do not give the devil a foothold.
this is not saying don’t let the Sun go down on your reconciliation
- It’s not commanding you to reconcile before the sun goes down
- That takes both parties
- Is commanding you not to be angry
- That is something you can control on your own
Forgiveness cancels the debt that they owe you
- You give up your right for revenge
They no longer owe you
- An apology
- A confession
- An explanation
As long as you are demanding something that they choose not to give it ties you to the person
Emotional Torture
You feel the hurt when
- you think about the person
- someone sounds like the person
- someone walks like them
- Someone acts like him
- You smell their cologne
This is the consequence of not forgiving
Practical Solutions
Take Responsibility for Your Reaction
Proverbs 15:18
18 A hot-tempered person stirs up strife,
But the slow to anger calms a dispute.
You have to take responsibility for your life.
- You control whether or not you react.
- Don’t make your wound their responsibility.
Be mindful of what certain people in your life can say or do that will trigger you.
What is it that made you
- Feel defensive
- Feel angry
- Stirred up all of that negative emotion
If your attitude is a byproduct of your circumstance, your emotions will always be out of control
Biblical Approach to Manage Emotions
Biblical Steps | Explanation | Example |
1.) Specifically identify the emotion/stronghold with a triggering biblical label | In order to let the Word speak to our weakness of fear, anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, drunkenness, fornication, etc., we need to confess it for what it truly is. | Anger |
2.) Identify satan’s battle tactics | What does the enemy want you to believe about this stronghold? What false teaching is he encouraging you to believe about the gospel or character of God? | Satan wants me to believe that if it feels good it’s ok to do it | If this was the right person, this relationship would be easy |
3.) New creation implications | What does your relationship with God through Christ mean for this stronghold? What is true about Christ and how does that impact heart change in this area? | In Christ, I have the ability to respond to the temptation to anger in a new way. (2 Cor. 5:17, Romans 6:11) I can remember God is in control (Romans 8:28). |
4.) relevant Scripture | What truth does the Word have to offer regarding the identified stronghold? | |
5.) Pre-planned escape route. | When we are tempted to succumb to our strongholds, what truth about God’s character or our identity in Christ will be our battle cry to fight against it by grace? | My anger is not about what is being done to me–it's something coming out of me. I can choose to respond differently because Christ lives in me, and because God is faithful to provide a way to endure this present frustration. (1 Cor. 10:13) |
Set Boundaries
Look for a Pattern
If there is a pattern with someone then you need to set boundaries and enforce them.
STORM
Stop And take a breath deep
- The emotional brain is taking over and you are losing access to the rational brain
- This breaks the fight or flight response of our brain
- This helps us to be rational
- This helps you feel more calm
Tune in to what you are feeling
What are you feeling?
- Abandoned
- Controlled
- Manipulated
- Disrespected
- Hurt pride
- They are selfish
- They don’t care about me
Observe what you were thinking
How did you interpret this interaction/events?
What about what happened makes you feel threatened?
What did I interpret this to mean?
- I’m not good enough
- This person doesn’t love me
- I’m not worthy enough
- I’m failing
- No one is ever going to stick around
- I don’t have what it takes
What were you interpreting this to mean about you, or about life, or about God?
Reframe what you are thinking
Did you feel like you were being controlled or manipulated?
- Why were you thinking that?
Could it be something else?
Remind yourself that you have the ability to say no.
This is not a real threat.
Ask yourself
How would I be experiencing this if I wasn’t adding any meaning?
Move into self compassion
Don’t put yourself down
Don’t start the negative self talk
Spiritual Steps
- Ask God how you should feel about this.
Take it To God in Prayer
Pray
- Take the desire away
- Point out the real issue
- Heal the real issue
- Ask what steps to take
- Ask God to intervene in your life
Dying to Self
Example:washing board
- You bought your grandmother a washing machine
- She keeps using the washing board
- You tell her that there has been something provided that is better than her effort at cleaning the clothes
- We keep trying to clean ourselves up using our own effort
Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Self control is about getting closer to God
Not trying harder
Discipline and self-control are fruits of the spirit. They are not the result of my effort or me trying harder. The way I get discipline is to move closer to God. The way I get self-control is to move closer to God.
Prayer and quiet time are the ultimate target.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6HrsuYAw1j/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Coping strategies conclusion
References
Extra
Matthew 15:11
It is not what enters the mouth that defiles the person, but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles the person.”
James 1:19-20
19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.
Proactive coping strategies look like
- the constant inner chatter that keeps us from concentrating,
- the self-hating voices that never let up,
- the fear that holds us back in relationships,
- the impulse to do for others that makes us neglect ourselves,
- the drive for achievement that consumes all our energy,
- the feeling of victimhood that others tire of,
- the sense of entitlement that makes us inconsiderate
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