Seeking Wholeness Summary 5

 

Which personality style do you possess?

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Personality Traits

Outline:

• Introduction
• Defining Wholeness
• Coping Mechanisms
• Healing Steps
• 3 Types of Anger
• The Goal: Incidental Anger
• What Determines if You Are Slow to Anger
• Solutions to Manage Anger

Scriptures:

• Romans 7: 21-25
• John 18:10-11
• James 1:19-20
• Exodus 34:6
• Ephesians 4: 25-27
• Proverbs 14:29-30
• Ephesians 4:15
• Proverbs 29:11
• Proverbs 19:11
• Ecclesiastes 7:9
• Proverbs 15:18
• Proverbs 14:29
• Proverbs 15:1

Introduction

Romans 7: 21-25

21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.

22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man,

23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.

24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

There is something inside of me that influences me to do things that I know are wrong.

There is something inside of me that influences me to do things that I don’t want to do

If I knew how to stop it I could

Today we will try to better understand what motivates our behavior

Our flesh influences us

Soul = mind, will, and emotions

Personality is your unique collection of behaviors, thoughts,experiences, and emotional patterns that determine how you adjust to life. 

We will examine the cause of tendencies that underlie differences in behavior.

we will look at 3 aspects of your personality

1. How you deal with relational conflict
2. How you respond to anger
3. How flexible is your thinking

Defining Wholeness

Wholeness is about being _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Free from oppression of

• Our past
• Bad thinking
• Strongholds
• The enemy

We’re talking about

• dealing with life’s current stresses
• being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re promised eternal life

• We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Through this 3.5 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate without antagonizing others
• Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Can listen without reacting
• Can respect others without having to change them
• Can function well… Alone or with others
• Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
• Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
• Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
• Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
• Being led by the Spirit

Discipline and self-control are fruits of the spirit. They are not the result of my effort or me trying harder. The way I get discipline is to move closer to God. The way I get self-control is to move closer to God.

Coping Mechanisms

John 18:10-11

10 Then Simon Peter, since he had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s slave, and cut off his right ear; and the slave’s name was Malchus. 11 So Jesus said to Peter, “Put the sword into the sheath; the cup which the Father has given Me, am I not to drink it?”

Why was Peter the only one trying to cut people?

• The disciples have different personalities

We have developed certain life strategies of defense, as an attempt to reduce basic anxiety and restore a sense of security.  This can be seen in the way that we relate to others.

Example: throw a fit when you don’t get your way

3 Categories of Coping Mechanisms

1. People Pleaser = Moving towards people
2. Rebel = Moving against people
3. Recluse = Moving away from people

These mechanisms are normal and everyone uses them to some degree.

• The problem arises when someone overuses one of these coping strategies which indicates that person is neurotic.
• Repeating unproductive coping strategies over and over again leads to a vicious cycle.

People Pleaser

Moving Towards People

• Nice guy/gal
• Fixers
• Joker
• Achievers

Traits

• Craves affection and approval in a self-destructive way
• Extremely sensitive to criticism and rejection
• People pleasing
• Non-confrontational

Negative

• This leaves them open to exploitation and abuse
• Covert contracts
• Don’t address issues

When you avoid conflict

• People don’t lesrn how you want to be treated

Root Issue

• anxiety
• fear of being excluded
• Fear of being alone

Childhood Source

Example: you’ll do this and you will like it

• Don’t trust your emotions

“I have to perform to be worthy of love“

Rebel

Moving Against People

• Bad boy
• Taker

Traits

• Neurotic need for power
• Moving against others in order to gain control
• They often need to compete, exploit, and defeat others in order to change the environment to their favor

Negative

Fear

• helplessness
• incompetence
• worthlessness
• violation

This fear forces their need for control, protection and achievement

Childhood Source

Example: busy dad

• Act up because bad attention is better than none

Recluse

Moving Away From People

• Hermit
• Loner

Traits

• They have an extreme focus on self-preservation
• Need for self-sufficiency and independence
• Distance themselves from other people as a way to decrease the chances of being hurt

These are the typical loner types

Negative

Neurotic need for perfection

Relationships Example

Fixer and Taker/Rebel

• The fixer blames himself for things to go wrong in a relationship. The taker is used to blaming others.  
• Fixers give without taking. Takers take without giving.  
• Fixers feel like they don’t have a right to say what they feel. Takers feel entitled to say whatever they feel like whenever they want.
• Fixers have too much of a conscience and are always thinking of other people in a relationship. Takers have no conscience and are always thinking of themselves.

Healing Steps

Identify your coping mechanisms

Identify the root issues

Get rid of your image of the perfect self that you aren’t

• Don’t let it be your identity

Identify your strengths

1. Try to use them more

Strengthen your weak areas

• People who are inclined to hide from others may want to develop social skills.
• People who are inclined to dominate others for their own gain may want to develop compassion and humility.

Accept that Jesus loves you as you are

3 Types of Anger

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Negative Results of Anger

• Relationships get destroyed
• Careers get ended
• Spousal abuse
• Child abuse

Positive

• Reveals our boundaries
• Takes us out of denial
• Empowers us to take action
• Heals trauma

There are three common categories by which we express anger

1. Exploding Anger
2. Passive Aggressive / Indirect
3. Stuffing

Exploding Anger

• Exploding / Spewer

Express anger

• Yelling
• Screaming
• Fighting
• Hitting
• Intimidation
• Aggression
• Overly opinionated
• Overly bold
• Blunt
• Forceful
• Tactless
• Demanding
• Repetitive

2 prompts

1. Reaction
2. Calculated

View on Anger:

• “anger is necessary“
• “do what I say or else“

Anger may let you feel in control instead of allowing you to realize that you are feeling hurt

Results

• Gives them a sense of power
• Helps release pent-up emotions
• Sense of loss of control
• Feelings of guilt
• Regret
• May cause others to physically retaliate
• They have poor impulse control
• People around them learn to:
• Walk on eggshells
• Not tell the truth
• Create dysfunctional relationships

Some exploders feel remorse and want to change

Some explorers don’t realize the other person is affected.  

• They see themselves as trying to get their anger out.

10 questions to tell if you're an exploder

1. I can be blunt and forceful when someone does something to frustrate me
2. As I speak my convictions my voice becomes increasingly louder
3. When someone confronts me with a problem, I’m likely to offer a ready rebuttal
4. No one has to guess my opinion… I am known for having unwavering viewpoints
5. When something goes wrong I focus so sharply on fixing the problem that I often overlook people's feelings
6. I have a history of getting caught in bickering matches with family members
7. During verbal disagreements with someone, I tend to repeat myself several times
8. I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself when I know something is wrong
9. I have a reputation for being strong willed
10. I tend to give advice even when others haven’t asked for it

5 or 6 means yes

Fear is disguised as anger

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cb0omtKrtmM/?utm_medium=copy_link

Solutions

• Recognize their triggers
• Acknowledge their fears
• Give up control - learn to trust God
• Learn to communicate their anger effectively
• Identify insecurities
• Identify vulnerabilities

5 Strategies to Manage Anger

1. Don’t be attached To your Ideas

If you disagree with my ideas and I’m attached to my ideas I get very upset

“how dare you disagree with who I am“

If we said our idea to the side then we realized… “You’re not disagreeing with who I am you’re just disagreeing with some of my ideas“

People get upset if you disagree with their view of

• A Politician
• Vaccine
• Masks
• Homosexuality
• Abortion
• Eating meat
• Police brutality
• Kneeling

2. Don’t Take Things Personally

Some people have personal issues.

If they don’t know you, how can it be about you?  

It’s not about you… It’s about them

3. Learn when to let things go

We need to let go of needing things to be our way

Example: toilet paper / toothpaste

4. Be aware of what’s going on in your body

HALT

Stressed

Hot

Monthly cycle

When we aren’t aware of what’s going on in our body, we start to make up a story

“I feel agitated, so I must be upset about…“

If we were in a different state… We wouldn’t have gotten upset about this?

5. Learn how to say what’s really going on with you

“ This is not a good time to talk about this right now… I’m really hungry“

There is an old adage that says “never go to bed angry“

• But if the reason you’re arguing is because one of you is tired… You might consider sleeping

you need to be mindful of what’s going on on your body and express it accurately

“ I'm feeling really agitated right now… It’s probably not about you it’s probably about me“

What is the real issue? -Kenneth’s wife

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxVWmkc6-kmuR3O5ktnBluMhReOizcJM-u?si=w0qAaJLw29KQ6sL3

#2 Indirect / Leakers

• Leakers express their anger in ways that don’t directly communicate that they’re angry

Expression:

• Not following through with commitments or promises
• Not letting their yes be yes and there are no be no
• Making excuses
• Procrastinating
• Knowingly going at a pace and that is annoying to others
• Become critical and negative
• Become isolated

Example: say yes but arrive late

View on Anger

• Showing anger is bad
• You can be angry… Just don’t show it

Reason

• It’s bad to be angry
• Fear God‘s wrath
• Fear Lack of control
• Fear of rejection
• Feel guilty
• Had scary experience with someone who got angry
• Sense possible retaliation, punishment, consequences if people see that they are mad

10 questions to see if you are a leaker

1. When I’m frustrated I become silent knowing it bothers other people
2. I am prone to sulk and pout
3. When I don’t want to do a project, I procrastinate… I can be lazy
4. When someone asks me if I’m frustrated… I will lie
1. I’ll say “no everything is fine”
5. There are times when I am deliberately evasive so others won’t bother me
6. I sometimes approach work projects half heartedly
7. When someone talks to me about their problems… I stare straight ahead deliberately obstinately
8. I am often sarcastic and hide my true hurt behind jokes
9. I withdraw affection and become sexually frigid when I am hurt
10. I “forget” to do things for people who have wounded me

Solution

• Accept that anger is OK and common
• Acknowledge their fears and seek to minimize the influence of it
• Learn to communicate their anger effectively
• Become more assertive with their needs and wants
• Become clear about what they will do and what they won’t do

The Stuffer

Stuffers

• Repress
• Suppress
• Deny

their anger

View on Anger

• Anger is bad or sinful
• Conflict is bad

Express Anger:

• Ignoring it
• Denying it
• Minimizing it
• Pretending they aren’t really angry
• Avoiding it
• Burying it
• Feel shame

Motivation

• They fear loss of control or making a fool of themselves
• They fear rejection of others
• They don’t like to feel guilty
• Their experience with anger has scars
• They fear retaliation or punishment or consequences

Results

• They become a doormat
• People take advantage of them
• They are angry at themselves
• They get physical ailments
• Ulcers
• Tension headache
• Muscle cramps
• They avoid people, places, things
• They withdraw
• Resentment
• Occasionally erupt

Delayed Emotion

They don’t necessarily just repress what they feel

• They may not feel angry

They don't feel the emotion immediately

Have to think about how they feel about it

Example: mad that you asked

They will agree to do something for someone but then feel resentment towards the person for asking

10 questions to find out if you are a stuffer

1. I am very image conscious.  
1. I do not like to let others know when I have problems
2. Even when I’m flustered I portray myself publicly as having it all together
3. I’m rather reserved about sharing my problems and my frustrations
4. if a family member or friend upsets me I can let days pass before bringing it up or mentioning it
5. I have a tendency to be depressed and moody
6. Resentful thinking is common to me although many people would never suspect it
7. I have suffered from physical symptoms
1. Stomach ailments
2. Sleep irregularity
3. Headaches
4. Ulcers
8. There are times when I wonder if my opinion or preferences are really valued
9. Sometimes I feel paralyzed when confronted with an unwanted situation
10. I feel guilty a lot about little things… especially if someone else is upset with me

5 or 6 yes’s means you’re a stuffer

Solutions

• Accept that anger/conflict is OK
• Acknowledge fears
• Learn to communicate anger effectively
• Become more assertive with needs and wants
• Be clear about what you want and what you will do and won’t do
• Better understand your feelings
• Get comfortable saying “no”

May Be Situational

You may stuff at work

• but you explode at home

Depending on the relationship we may do some or all of these, but there is probably a primary way

The Goal: Incidental Anger

God is concerned with:

• How you respond to Anger
• How fast you get angry
• How long you stay angry
• Forgiveness
• Reconciliation
• Loss of self control

God describing Himself to Moses

Exodus 34:6

6 Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in faithfulness and truth;

• God describes Himself as slow to anger

It’s not a sin to be angry

Express Your Anger Soon

Ephesians 4: 25-27

25 Therefore, ridding yourselves of falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE OF YOU WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, because we are parts of one another. 26 BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.

You were angry about a particular event or situation,

•  the anger motivates you to deal with it directly and quickly

When you get angry, you appropriately express it and move on.

The anger doesn’t

• get you off course
• blind you from being able to solve the problem
• Ruin your day

“Anger helps us to sense that something is wrong,”

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

The proper mode of being is to be slow to anger

• Not to never get angry
• Not to blow up instantly

Tell the Truth in Love

Ephesians 4:15

15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, that is, Christ

• Don’t tell “white lies” to placate the feelings of others or to avoid conflict

If you tell the truth you don’t get to ignore when someone is irritating you

• You don’t get to just assume that you were right either

“I’m irritated about this and I need to think through whether you have a problem or I have a problem“

What Determines if You Are Slow to Anger

factors that determine how fast you get angry

• How flexible is your thinking
• How you react to change
• What is your default view of the world
• Is it a safe place?
• Unfair place
• Racist/sexist place

Aloof Person

Go with the flow type of person

• Flexible
• Adjust desires to meet the situation
• Few expectations

Willing to change if something turns out to be different than what he wanted

Worldview

• the world is a safe place
•  people usually have good intentions

Negative

This person can be so disengaged that they seen uninvested

You wonder if they even care

Rigid Person

Extremely inflexible in thinking

Strong sense of what is right and what is wrong

• Very little shades of gray
• Doesn’t want to change or be expected to change once he’s made his mind up
• can become indignant at the thought that you would even ask such a thing

Takes a stand on general principle

Worldview

• the world is unsafe
•  people will take advantage of you

They make you want to say “hey relax it’s not that important“

Upside

They are engaged and passionate about what they are engaged in

It’s a Spectrum

Where are you are on the spectrum determines

• How quick you are to anger
• How intensely angry you become

Cause

Your household growing up impacts your reaction to anger

When growing up…

Did people freely yell when they were angry?

Was anger something that frightened you?

Were you allowed to express your anger freely?

Were you told or was it implied that you were being difficult when you got upset

If you were free to express your anger, what kind was it?

Traumatic event

Some people went through a traumatic event that causes them to know the angry or to view the world as an unsafe place

Solutions to Manage Anger

Memory Verses for Anger

Wisdom is what we use to make decisions when there is no moral law on the topic

Proverbs 29:11

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, For anger resides in the heart of fools.

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

Proverbs 14:29

One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

Proverbs 15:1

1A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Breathe

• Inhale to the count of 7
• Exhale to the count of 11
• Box breathing
• Take 3 deep breaths before responding

Behavioral Solutions

Develop canned responses to controversial topics

• They should be polite and respectful
• Not insulting

“ I don’t discuss politics before 5 PM“

Does anyone have any canned responses?

Broken record technique

If someone repeatedly ask you to discuss something that triggers you continue given the same response in the same tone of voice

• You don’t need to craft another response to make sure they get it

Deescalation Statements

This is to stop a conflict that you’ve already started participating in, but you recognize that is getting too heated for you when you are about to blow

• “I need a timeout”
• “Can we talk about this later”
• “maybe we can agree to disagree on this”

Let them get the last word before interrupting the conversation

References

Unchained Disciples : Coping Mechanisms

Unchained Disciples : Overcoming Addictions

Unchained Disciples : Dealing With Anger

Unchained Disciples : Dealing With Anger - Part 2

Unchained Disciples : Dealing With Anger - Part 3

Unchained Disciples : Dealing With Anger - Part 4

Extra

The Process

1. The first step is realizing all of the characteristics of yourself...self awareness

• Beliefs
• Behaviors
• Thoughts^
• Defense mechanisms
• Coping strategies
• Triggers
• Responses

2. Identify which of those characteristics are broken or unhealthy

3. Where possible identify the cause of the brokenness

4. And then we will work on changing our actual nature