A discussion on the causes of anger and some practical strategies to managing it
~~Watch the Video~~
- Traits of Wholeness
- Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1
- Two Definitions of Anger
- The Cycle of Anger
- Disordered Love
- Anger Management Strategies
- Respond With the Grace of God
- James 1:19-20
- Proverbs 29:11
- Proverbs 14:29
- Ephesians 4:25-27
- Proverbs 29:11
- Proverbs 19:11
- Ecclesiastes 7:9
- Proverbs 15:18
- Proverbs 14:29
- Proverbs 15:1
19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.
Did anyone see Will Smith get angry this past week?
Raise your hand for whichever of these makes you angry?
- You get takeout food… And when he gets to your house… The order is wrong
- Long waits at the doctors office
- Bad drivers
- Jokes about God
- Racial descrimination
- Jokes about a sensitive topic
- A friend not paying back money
- Being wrongly accused
- Being ignored
- Having to clean up after someone
- Loud neighbors
- Being placed on hold forever
- Rumors being spread about you
- Having something stolen
- Someone openly contradicting you
- Not getting a promotion
- Getting criticized
- Inappropriate comments
- Bad doctrine
Some people have anger management issues because they haven’t learned how to properly cope with anger.
We’re trying to better understand anger,
- understand ourselves
- understand God’s instructions about anger
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be _______ healthy
Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just supposed to have eternal life
- We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Traits of Wholeness
- Not seeking external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Healthy relationships with others
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous
- Genuinely applaud the success of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
- You care about how others feel
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate directly
- Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
- Take responsibility for your own emotions
- Slow to anger
- Being led by the Spirit
Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1
- Relationships get destroyed
- Careers get ended
- Health problems
- Reveals our boundaries
- Empowers us to take action
- Help us right wrongs and stand up for ourselves
The goal of anger is to gain power in the situation
Anger’s Emotional Family
What Happens To Your Body When You Get Angry
Fight or flight
Your anger can surface as
- Tight shoulders
- Tight neck or jaw
- Acid reflux
- Panic attacks
- heart beats faster
- The world is simplified
- Black and white
- Doubt is eliminated
- Loss of self-consciousness
- Makes you an energizing and focused
trance state (dumbs you down)
- narrow focus
- reality is perceived in very selective and limited ways
- You don’t think about consequences
- Other people's perspectives can’t be appreciated
Anger leads to
- heart disease
- Weakened immune system
- Expressing it
- Repressing it
- When we are angry about an offense against God or His word
- When we’re angry about what God is angry about
There is no biblical support for this concept
- Justifies self righteousness
- God and Jesus are the only ones who are supposed to judge
God is concerned with:
- How you respond to anger
- Being slow to anger
- How long you stay angry
- Self control
Response to Anger
Check Engine Light example
What can you do when the check engine light comes on?
- Freak out
- Ignore it
- Analyze and address it
This takes time, energy, and possibly money
11 A fool always loses his temper,
But a wise person holds it back.
Volatile / Exploding Anger
A sudden episode of unwarranted or disproportionate anger or rage
When you have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting an event where you feel you were wronged
Continuous thoughts of revenge or how to get back at the other person
Story: black Porsche followed me to Bible study
Passive Anger (Stuffing)
Deep down you’re mad, but you don’t express it or you haven't acknowledged it yet
Passive expressions of anger
- Silent treatment
- Self harm (e.g. pulling out hair)
- Making snide comments
- Withholding affection
- Forgetting important dates
- Over eating
- Subtle insults
- Intentional lateness
- Intentionally don’t finish tasks
Story: Church friend working on anger issues
You were angry about a particular event or situation
- the anger motivates you to deal with it directly and quickly
- You move on
Be Slow to Anger
29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.
The Godly goal is to be slow to anger
- Not to never get angry
- Not to blow up instantly
Conflict isn’t an opportunity to display our anger
- It is an opportunity to display our self control
What Determines if You Are Slow to Anger
- How flexible is your thinking
- How you react to change
- What is your default view of the world
- Past traumatic events
We’ll discuss more factors this week.
How Long You Are Angry
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
- Anger isn’t a sin
- Don’t let your anger cause you to sin
- Staying angry too long will make you susceptible to sin
You’ve been angry for two months or more
You go to bed angry wake up angry
There are very few moments when you are not angry throughout the day
Villain vs Hero
- Calming music
- Creatively embody your anger
- Clench your fist, bear your fangs , growl, say “no“
- What do I need to see or face that I have been unwilling to face?
- What needs to be protected or supported?
- What action do I need to take right now?
- Pause before you respond
Two Definitions of Anger
Story: Church friend discussion about definition of anger
- Didn’t get what you deserve/expect
- Vs response to a threat
- Siri vs Google
Rational vs instinctive
Definitions of Anger
- Caused by injustice
- Not getting what you deserve, expect
Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.
— American psychological Association
Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals.
This doesn’t explain
Who knows what being “hangry” is
Response to threat, pain or discomfort
Anger, also known as wrath or rage, is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.
Anger is an emotion triggered by a threat which prompted the fight or flight reaction
– Dr Dawn-Elise Snipes PhD
Example: chihuahua response to a bear
- Cursing when stubbing toe
- Irritable because you’re sleepy
- Angry during monthly cycle
The Cycle of Anger
Understanding this can give you an early warning signal
- Feeling used
- Feeling disrespected
- Someone cut you off in traffic
- Feel you were treated unfairly
- Not getting what you deserve
Automatic thoughts (judgment)
- They didn’t give me what they owed me
- They’re taking me for granted
- I’m the weakest link on the team
- They don’t value all of the work that I am doing here
- The driver doesn’t care about anyone but themselves
- Rage towards the driver
- Shame for being weakest member of the team
Emotional Response Thoughts
- Images of aggression and revenge
- Hostile self talk
- “I’ll teach her a lesson“
- I hope he gets in an accident
- I should punch him
- Racing heart
- Sweaty palms
- Tense muscles
- Clenched jaw
- Feeling hot or flushed
- Tightness in chest
- Clenching fist
- Raising your voice
- Glaring at others
Dealing with early warning sign
- Set an hourly alarm
- Heart rate monitor
Self Examination Questions
- What benefits/payoff does anger give you?
- Does that payoff often lead to negative consequences?
- Is there another way I can get that benefit?
- E.g. Feeling save
- Having your way
- How does anger keep you from moving towards what would bring you a rich and meaningful life?
- What thoughts, feelings and behaviors would be better use of your energy?
St. Augustine believed that our problem isn't necessarily that we love the wrong things. It's that we often love the right things in the wrong order.
Your Anger Reveals Your Idols
Your anger may reveal what you love
Next time you’re angry, ask yourself…
- What is it that was violated?
- What are you defending?
- What is it that you love that was threatened?
- Why is it an injustice?
Was is a threat to your:
- Pride / ego
- peoples opinion
What is it that you value so much that a threat to it makes you angry?
What is it that you feel you deserved that you didn’t get?
We turn good things into ultimate things
We looked at things to give us
But only God can give us these.
When we love things more than God… That is when our emotions get distorted.
Disordered love creates disordered anger
Our anger is disordered in 2 ways
When anything gets between you and the thing that you have to have you become extremely angry
We are angry for the things that we shouldn’t be angry about not angry enough for the things we should
Example: stolen parking spot at mall
- Versus mistreated child in another country
Loving anger always seeks to do a surgical strike on the evil.
Example: do you want to destroy the idiocy in the child… Not the child
it’s wrong when you don’t go after the problem… You go after the person
Anger With God
If we build our happiness on things
- A job
- A spouse
- Income level
- Having perfect kids
and don’t get them…
We will have a low level of anger against
Strategy: How to Heal Disordered Love (Keller)
You have to first admit that you’re angry
We say “you deserve anger, but I’m not angry“
Because we believe that showing anger is
- an act of vulnerability
- An act of weakness
- Unchristian like
- Hiding our vulnerability
- Closing the door for reconciliation
Watch Your Self Talk
Do not say, “I shall do the same to him as he has done to me; I will repay the person according to his work.”
Who is this person talking to?
This is self talk
What makes you angry is not what happened to you, but what you tell yourself about what happened to you.
Example: car cuts in exit line
- Certain race
- Not fair, we’ve been waiting
- I should have done that
- The woman must be about to have her baby
- That’s an ambulance…must be important
- They probably have to use the bathroom
What makes you angry is what you say to yourself.
- What you interpret it to mean
Many times what we are defending is our
- “what is this big important thing that I am defending“?
- What is this big thing that is so important that I’m willing to clobber everybody around me?
- Why am I angry?
- Why is it important that I don’t look bad?
Story: The wife who couldn’t forgive her husband
- The ultimate things she wanted in the world was her sons love
- She believed in God, but God‘s love was an abstract concept
- She was angry about anything that got in between her and her son‘s love
- Until she recognized her disorder love… She couldn’t get rid of her disordered anger
- Until God‘s love for her was at least as important as her son's love… There was no way she could get control of her anger
Anger Management Strategies
Give it to God
Say out loud to God that you need his help in this area
- Give God the permission to help you deal with it
Wisdom is what we use to make decisions when there is no moral law on the topic
A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.
A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, For anger resides in the heart of fools.
A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.
One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.
1A gentle answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
- Inhale to the count of 7
- Exhale to the count of 11
- Box breathing
- Take 3 deep breaths before responding
Develop canned responses to controversial topics
- They should be polite and respectful
- Not insulting
“ I don’t discuss politics before 5 PM“
Does anyone have any canned responses?
Broken record technique
If someone repeatedly ask you to discuss something that triggers you continue given the same response in the same tone of voice
- You don’t need to craft another response to make sure they get it
“It’s all good”
“Letting go of my anger clears my mind and allows me to make wise decisions”
“Making smart decisions allows me to have a peaceful life”
“I strive for peace in my life and in my mind”
This is to stop a conflict that you’ve already started participating in, but you recognize that is getting too heated for you when you are about to blow
- “I need a timeout”
- “Can we talk about this later”
- “maybe we can agree to disagree on this”
Let them get the last word before interrupting the conversation
Stop and observe your anger
- Observe it as if you were another person in the room
- Are you talking loudly?
- Do you appear hotheaded?
Do something to distract yourself
- Take a walk
Example: Friend who walks away
Keep track of your anger
- Anger control strategy / response
Talk to a friend
Anger is a natural emotion. It is designed to alert people that there might be a problem. When people are vulnerable or learn maladaptive ways of dealing with anger or simply never learn healthy coping skills they can experience anger management problems. Excessive anger negatively impacts people emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, occupationally, legally and spiritually.
God calls us to be slow to anger, and not to allow anger to make us respond in a sinful manner.
Effective anger management involves preventing vulnerabilities, being aware of and working on “sensitive areas“ or “threat areas“, preventing anger whenever possible in developing immediate coping responses to deal with it when it occurs.
Respond With the Grace of God
Whether you are a good parent or not… You will sacrifice for your child.
To have a child say that you haven’t done anything for them and they hate you is a deep pain.
- Rage back at them
- Come in close and insist on the truth
- Absorb their anger without paying it back
We are often angry with God
He did not withdraw
God drew close to us
- He came down to us
- To repay him we killed him
Yet we now have received God’s grace.
Since we received God’s grace ... We can do the same when people get mad at us
Instructor: Michael Leadon
Dealing With Anger - Part 1
5 Ways to Diffuse Your anger
Dr Tracey Marks
Anger management, God‘s way - sermon on the mountain number 3
Dealing with anger
Anger management: 10 Sesion Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Protocol
21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MURDER,’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be answerable to the court.’ 22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.
24 Do not make friends with a person given to anger, Or go with a hot-tempered person, 25 Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.