Dealing With Anger - Part 2

 

A discussion on the causes of anger and some practical strategies to managing it

~~Watch the Video~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1
• Two Definitions of Anger
• The Cycle of Anger
• Disordered Love
• Anger Management Strategies
• Summary
• Respond With the Grace of God

Scriptures:

• James 1:19-20
• Proverbs 29:11
• Proverbs 14:29
• Ephesians 4:25-27
• Proverbs 29:11
• Proverbs 19:11
• Ecclesiastes 7:9
• Proverbs 15:18
• Proverbs 14:29
• Proverbs 15:1

Introduction

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Did anyone see Will Smith get angry this past week?

Raise your hand for whichever of these makes you angry?

• You get takeout food… And when he gets to your house… The order is wrong
• Long waits at the doctors office
• Traffic
• Bad drivers
• Jokes about God
• Racial descrimination
• Injustice
• Jokes about a sensitive topic
• A friend not paying back money
• Being wrongly accused
• Being ignored
• Having to clean up after someone
• Loud neighbors
• Being placed on hold forever
• Rumors being spread about you
• Having something stolen
• Ingratitude
• Someone openly contradicting you
• Not getting a promotion
• Getting criticized
• Inappropriate comments
• Bad doctrine

Some people have anger management issues because they haven’t learned how to properly cope with anger.

We’re trying to better understand anger,

• understand ourselves
• understand God’s instructions about anger

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Being led by the Spirit

Review: Dealing With Anger - Part 1

Anger’s damage

• Relationships get destroyed
• Careers get ended
• Health problems

Positive

• Reveals our boundaries
• Empowers us to take action
• Help us right wrongs and stand up for ourselves

The goal of anger is to gain power in the situation

Anger’s Emotional Family

• Anger
• Hostility
• Fury
• Irritability
• Annoyance
• Wrath
• Rage

What Happens To Your Body When You Get Angry

Fight or flight

• Fight
• Flight
• Freeze

Physical Response

Your anger can surface as

• Tight shoulders
• Tight neck or jaw
• Acid reflux
• Panic attacks
• heart beats faster

Mental Response

• The world is simplified
• Black and white
• Doubt is eliminated
• Loss of self-consciousness
• Makes you an energizing and focused

trance state (dumbs you down)

• narrow focus  
• reality is perceived in very selective and limited ways
• You don’t think about consequences
• Other people's perspectives can’t be appreciated

Poor decisions

Health Implications

Anger leads to

• heart disease
• Weakened immune system
• Stroke

Both

• Expressing it
• Repressing it

Righteous Anger

• When we are angry about an offense against God or His word
• When we’re angry about what God is angry about

There is no biblical support for this concept

• Justifies self righteousness
• God and Jesus are the only ones who are supposed to judge

Righteous Anger

https://youtu.be/yUNqv4GRcgE

God is concerned with:

• How you respond to anger
• Being slow to anger
• How long you stay angry
• Forgiveness
• Reconciliation
• Self control

Response to Anger

Check Engine Light example

What can you do when the check engine light comes on?

• Freak out
• Ignore it
• Analyze and address it

This takes time, energy, and possibly money

Proverbs 29:11

11 A fool always loses his temper,

But a wise person holds it back.

Volatile / Exploding Anger

A sudden episode of unwarranted or disproportionate anger or rage

Hardened anger

When you have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting an event where you feel you were wronged

Develops

• hatred
• bitterness

Vengeful anger

Continuous thoughts of revenge or how to get back at the other person

Story: black Porsche followed me to Bible study

Passive Anger (Stuffing)

Deep down you’re mad, but you don’t express it or you haven't acknowledged it yet

Passive expressions of anger

• Silent treatment
• Self harm (e.g. pulling out hair)
• Making snide comments
• Withholding affection
• Forgetting important dates
• Over eating
• Subtle insults
• Sarcasm
• Intentional lateness
• Intentionally don’t finish tasks

Story: Church friend working on anger issues

• withdrawal

Incidental Anger

You were angry about a particular event or situation

•  the anger motivates you to deal with it directly and quickly
• You move on

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

The Godly goal is to be slow to anger

• Not to never get angry
• Not to blow up instantly

Conflict isn’t an opportunity to display our anger

• It is an opportunity to display our self control

What Determines if You Are Slow to Anger

• How flexible is your thinking
• How you react to change
• What is your default view of the world
• Safe/dangerous
• fair/unfair
• racist/sexist/classist
• Past traumatic events

We’ll discuss more factors this week.

How Long You Are Angry

Ephesians 4:25-27

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

• Anger isn’t a sin
• Don’t let your anger cause you to sin
• Staying angry too long will make you susceptible to sin

Chronic anger

You’ve been angry for two months or more

You go to bed angry wake up angry

There are very few moments when you are not angry throughout the day

Villain vs Hero

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CbaBu3FAv6z/

Solutions

• Pray
• Walk
• Breathe
• Calming music
• Creatively embody your anger
• Clench your fist, bear your fangs , growl, say “no“
• Inquire
• What do I need to see or face that I have been unwilling to face?
• What needs to be protected or supported?
• What action do I need to take right now?
• Pause before you respond

Two Definitions of Anger

Story: Church friend discussion about definition of anger

• Injustice
• Didn’t get what you deserve/expect
• Vs response to a threat
• Siri vs Google

Rational  vs instinctive

Definitions of Anger

Rational

• Caused by injustice
• Not getting what you deserve, expect

Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.

— American psychological Association

Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals.

—mentalhealth.net

This doesn’t explain

• Hangry

Who knows what being “hangry” is

Instinctive

Response to threat, pain or discomfort

Anger, also known as wrath or rage, is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.

—Wikipedia

Anger is an emotion triggered by a threat which prompted the fight or flight reaction

– Dr Dawn-Elise Snipes PhD

Example: chihuahua response to a bear

Triggers

• Hangry
• Cursing when stubbing toe
• Irritable because you’re sleepy
• Angry during monthly cycle

The Cycle of Anger

Interrelated

• Thought
• Feelings
• Behavior

Understanding this can give you an early warning signal

Triggering event

• Feeling used
• Feeling disrespected
• Someone cut you off in traffic
• Feel you were treated unfairly
• Not getting what you deserve

Automatic thoughts (judgment)

• They didn’t give me what they owed me
• They’re taking me for granted
• I’m the weakest link on the team
• They don’t value all of the work that I am doing here
• The driver doesn’t care about anyone but themselves

Emotional response

• Rage towards the driver
• Shame for being weakest member of the team
• Anxiety
• Hopelessness
• Fear
• Hurt
• Jealousy

Emotional Response Thoughts

• Images of aggression and revenge
• Hostile self talk
• “I’ll teach her a lesson“
• I hope  he gets in an accident
• I should punch him

Physical reaction

• Racing heart
• Sweaty palms
• Tense muscles
• Clenched jaw
• Feeling hot or flushed
• Tightness in chest

Behavioral response

• Yelling
• Cursing
• Arguing
• Crying
• Clenching fist
• Raising your voice
• Glaring at others
• Fighting

Strategies

Dealing with early warning sign

• Set an hourly alarm
• Heart rate monitor

Self Examination Questions

• What benefits/payoff does anger give you?
• Does that payoff often lead to negative consequences?
• Is there another way I can get that benefit?
• E.g. Feeling save
• Having your way
• How does anger keep you from moving towards what would bring you a rich and meaningful life?
• What thoughts, feelings and behaviors would be better use of your energy?

Disordered Love

St. Augustine believed that our problem isn't necessarily that we love the wrong things.  It's that we often love the right things in the wrong order.

Your Anger Reveals Your Idols

https://youtu.be/QnLdVq7gQeY

Your anger may reveal what you love

Next time you’re angry, ask yourself…

• What is it that was violated?
• What are you defending?
• What is it that you love that was threatened?
• Why is it an injustice?  

Was is a threat to your:

• Pride / ego
• security/safety
• freedom
• respect
• happiness
• status
• peoples opinion
• reputation
• intelligence
• significance
• God

What is it that you value so much that a threat to it makes you angry?

What is it that you feel you deserved that you didn’t get?

Idols

We turn good things into ultimate things

We looked at things to give us

• Happiness
• Significance
• Security
• Self-worth
• Power
• Comfort
• Love

But only God can give us these.  

When we love things more than God… That is when our emotions get distorted.  

Disordered love creates disordered anger

Our anger is disordered in 2 ways

Its Proportion

When anything gets between you and the thing that you have to have you become extremely angry

We are angry for the things that we shouldn’t be angry about not angry enough for the things we should

Example: stolen parking spot at mall

• Versus mistreated child in another country

Its Goal

Loving anger always seeks to do a surgical strike on the evil.

Example: do you want to destroy the idiocy in the child… Not the child

it’s wrong when you don’t go after the problem… You go after the person

Anger With God

If we build our happiness on things

• A job
• A spouse
• Income level
• Having perfect kids

and don’t get them…

We will have a low level of anger against

• Life
• God

Strategy: How to Heal Disordered Love (Keller)

Admit it

You have to first admit that you’re angry

We say “you deserve anger, but I’m not angry“

Because we believe that showing anger is

• an act of vulnerability
• An act of weakness
• Unchristian like

Problem

• Hiding our vulnerability
• Closing the door for reconciliation

Watch Your Self Talk

Proverbs 24:29

Do not say, “I shall do the same to him as he has done to me; I will repay the person according to his work.”

Who is this person talking to?

This is self talk

What makes you angry is not what happened to you, but what you tell yourself about what happened to you.  

Example: car cuts in exit line

• Tesla-entitled
• Certain race
• Gender
• Not fair, we’ve been waiting
• I should have done that
• The woman must be about to have her baby
• That’s an ambulance…must be important
• They probably have to use the bathroom

What makes you angry is what you say to yourself.  

• What you interpret it to mean

Many times what we are defending is our

• Ego
• Pride
• Self-esteem

Self Analysis

Ask yourself

• “what is this big important thing that I am defending“?  
• What is this big thing that is so important that I’m willing to clobber everybody around me?  
• Why am I angry?
• Why is it important that I don’t look bad?

Story: The wife who couldn’t forgive her husband

• The ultimate things she wanted in the world was her sons love
• She believed in God, but God‘s love was an abstract concept
• She was angry about anything that got in between her and her son‘s love
• Until she recognized her disorder love… She couldn’t get rid of her disordered anger
• Until God‘s love for her was at least as important as her son's love… There was no way she could get control of her anger

Anger Management Strategies

Give it to God

Say out loud to God that you need his help in this area

• Give God the permission to help you deal with it

Memory Verses

Wisdom is what we use to make decisions when there is no moral law on the topic

Proverbs 29:11

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise person holds it back.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, For anger resides in the heart of fools.

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

Proverbs 14:29

One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness.

Proverbs 15:1

1A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Breathe

• Inhale to the count of 7

• Exhale to the count of 11

• Box breathing
• Take 3 deep breaths before responding

Behavioral Solutions

Develop canned responses to controversial topics

• They should be polite and respectful
• Not insulting

“ I don’t discuss politics before 5 PM“

Does anyone have any canned responses?

Broken record technique

If someone repeatedly ask you to discuss something that triggers you continue given the same response in the same tone of voice

• You don’t need to craft another response to make sure they get it

Self Talk

“It’s all good”

“Letting go of my anger clears my mind and allows me to make wise decisions”

“Making smart decisions allows me to have a peaceful life”

“I strive for peace in my life and in my mind”

Deescalation Statements

This is to stop a conflict that you’ve already started participating in, but you recognize that is getting too heated for you when you are about to blow

• “I need a timeout”
• “Can we talk about this later”
• “maybe we can agree to disagree on this”

Let them get the last word before interrupting the conversation

Stop and observe your anger

• Observe it as if you were another person in the room
• Are you talking loudly?
• Do you appear hotheaded?

Do something to distract yourself

• Take a walk
• Color

Example: Friend who  walks away

Lifestyle

Exercise

Keep track of your anger

1. Episode
2. Intensity
3. Duration
4. Anger control strategy / response
5. Trigger

Journal

Talk to a friend

Summary

Anger is a natural emotion. It is designed to alert people that there might be a problem. When people are vulnerable or learn maladaptive ways of dealing with anger or simply never learn healthy coping skills they can experience anger management problems.  Excessive anger negatively impacts people emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, occupationally, legally and spiritually.  

God calls us to be slow to anger, and not to allow anger to make us respond in a sinful manner.

Effective anger management involves preventing vulnerabilities, being aware of and working on “sensitive areas“ or “threat areas“, preventing anger whenever possible in developing immediate coping responses to deal with it when it occurs.

Respond With the Grace of God

Whether you are a good parent or not… You will sacrifice for your child.

To have a child say that you haven’t done anything for them and they hate you is a deep pain.  

Parent’s options

1. Withdraw
2. Rage back at them
3. Come in close and insist on the truth

• Absorb their anger without paying it back

God‘s example

We are often angry with God

He did not withdraw

God drew close to us

• He came down to us
• To repay him we killed him

Yet we now have received God’s grace.

Since we received God’s grace ... We can do the same when people get mad at us

Instructor:  Michael Leadon

References

Dealing With Anger - Part 1

Unchained Disciples : Dealing With Anger

The healing of anger

Tim Keller

5 Ways to Diffuse Your anger

Dr Tracey Marks

Anger management, God‘s way - sermon on the mountain number 3

The porch

Dealing with anger

Troy black

Anger management: 10 Sesion Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Protocol

Doc Snipes

Extra

Matthew 5:21-22

21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MURDER,’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be answerable to the court.’ 22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.

Proverbs 22:24-25

24 Do not make friends with a person given to anger, Or go with a hot-tempered person, 25 Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.