Thursday, March 17, 2022

Dealing With Anger

How do we deal with our anger and when is it okay to be angry?

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Worship song:

A Heart That Forgives


  • Introduction
  • Traits of Wholeness
  • Our Emotions
  • What Happens To Your Body When You Get Angry
  • Righteous Anger
  • Response to Anger
  • Be Slow to Anger
  • How Long You Are Angry
  • Solutions


  • James 1:19-20
  • Proverbs 19:19
  • Proverbs 16:32
  • Proverbs 29:11
  • Romans 12:18-21
  • Proverbs 14:29-30
  • Exodus 34:6
  • Deuteronomy 24:16
  • Ephesians 4:25-27


Who here has never cursed anyone out in anger?

James 1:19-20

19 You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; 20 for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God.

Does it say don’t be angry?


It says to be slow to anger

But it warns of the negative consequences of anger

Everyone has anger

64% people say the world has become more angry over past 2 years

Anger causes

  • Relationships get destroyed
  • Careers get ended
  • Spousal abuse
  • Child abuse


  • Reveals our boundaries
  • Takes us out of denial
  • Empowers us to take action
  • Heals trauma

Know Yourself

Better internal awareness leads to

better external responses

The more we understand our anger, the greater control we can have over managing it

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

  • spiritually
  • emotionally
  • mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

  • We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

  • Authenticity
  • Honesty
  • Kindness
  • Not seeking external approval / validation
  • Living by values and principles
  • Setting Boundaries
  • Taking ownership of your responsibilities
  • Living with purpose and passion
  • Optimism
  • Confidence
  • Healthy relationships with others
  • Not losing control of your emotions
  • Free from addictions
  • Addressing Conflict
  • Vulnerability
  • Not critical or Judgemental
  • Not jealous
  • Genuinely applaud the success of others
  • Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
  • Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
  • Not afraid to fail
  • Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
  • Selfless encounters with others
  • Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
  • You care about how others feel
  • Patient
  • Don’t give into peer/social pressure
  • Can communicate directly
  • Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
  • Take responsibility for your own emotions
  • Being led by the Spirit

Our Emotions

 Some churches teach that feelings are unreliable and can’t be trusted.  

To feel is to be human. To minimize what we feel is to distort what it means to be an image bearer of God.  

8 Emotions

There are eight main families of emotions


  • Hostility
  • Anger
  • Fury
  • Irritability
  • Annoyance


  • Grief
  • Self-pity
  • Despair
  • Dejection
  • Loneliness


  • Anxiety
  • Edginess
  • Nervousness
  • Fright
  • Apprehension
  • Terror


  • Joy
  • Releaf
  • Contentment
  • Delight
  • Thrill
  • Euphoria
  • Ecstasy


  • Acceptance
  • Trust
  • Devotion
  • adoration


  • Shock
  • Amazement
  • Wonder


  • Contempt
  • Scorn
  • Aversion
  • Distaste
  • Revulsion


  • Guilt
  • Remorse
  • Humiliation
  • Embarrassment
  • Chagrin

What Happens To Your Body When You Get Angry

Proverbs 19:19

A person of great anger will suffer the penalty, For if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.

Anger is an acid which can do more harm in the vessel in which it is stored than it can on anything that it is poured

– – Mark twain

Anger is the emotion most like an addictive substance

You can deny that you are angry

  • “I tell it like it is“
  • “I rock the boat“
  • “I’m fine“

The neuroscience of anger

Anger asked us to take action.  

Brain fist example

Wrist - brain stem

Thumb - amygdala -emotional reactive

Front of fingers - prefrontal cortex - planning/decision making

Fight or flight

  • Fight
  • Flight
  • Freeze

When a threat response is triggered… You flip your lid

  • Prefrontal cortex raise it up and amygdala hijacked your brain

Prepares You to Respond

Anger makes

  • muscles tense
  • heart beats faster
  • feel constantly on edge

Gives you an energizing and focus feeling

It might save our life

It might help us right wrongs and stand up for ourselves

Empowers you

  • The world is simplified
    • Black and white
  • Doubt is eliminated
  • Loss of self-consciousness

Health Implications

anger is damaging to the heart and immune system

  • Expressing it
  • keeping it in

Getting very angry very often is a bigger prediction of early death from heart disease than

  • Smoking
  • Bad diet
  • Lack of exercise

… Put together

Even recalling times that you’ve been extremely angry in the past can be bad for your heart

Repressed Anger

Repressed anger is when you:

  • Express anger indirectly
  • Go to great lengths to control it

Repressed anger leads to

  • heart disease
  • Weakened immune system
  • Stroke

Physical Response

Your anger can surface as

  • Tight shoulders
  • Tight neck or jaw
  • Acid reflux
  • Panic attacks
  • Tightened stomach muscles

Anger Impairs Your Decision Making

Anger Trance

Anger can put you into a trance state

- a narrow focus  in which reality is perceived and very selective and limited ways

In states of extreme anger

  • You don’t think about consequences
  • Other people's perspectives can’t be appreciated

Anger works faster than the speed of thought

Emotional Direction

Some emotions encourage us to go away from the source of the emotion

  • Fear
  • Terror
  • Reluctance
  • Disgust

go towards the source of the emotion

  • Loss
  • Greed
  • Addiction
  • Anger

~ example: it’s better to have them angry at you did not remember you at all

– – toxic dating coaches

Example: when two students fought on the first day of school they often ended up being best friends by the end of the year

Righteous Anger

When is it ok to be angry?

Empathic Anger

aka righteous indignation

This is when you’re angry on behalf of someone else

  • How they’re being treated
  • They’re being tricked

It is healthier to focus on others than ourselves

Righteous Anger

  • When we are angry about an offense against God or His word
  • When we’re angry about what God is angry about

Does anybody know the verse that talks about righteous anger?

Different Definitions

Righteous anger doesn’t seek to hurt. Love doesn’t retaliate. Righteous anger stems from love because it recognizes that someone’s actions or words stray from the path of righteousness. And love desires to bring someone back to the truth.  

Unlike righteous anger, unrighteous anger seeks to hurt. It doesn’t care about the person the anger is directed toward.


Our own anger often feels like righteous anger

Does the Bible mention righteous anger?

Yes we know Jesus turned over the tables in the temple, but where does it mention the word/concept “righteous anger“

Does the Bible focus on the reason for our anger?

In the church, we tend to focus on the reason that we became angry as the determination to whether or not the anger was justified.

What God is Focused On

The bible is more focused on how you behave when you are  angry than why you should be angry.

Proverbs 16:32

32One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,

And one who rules his spirit, than one who captures a city.

  • Don’t get angry too quick
  • Don’t be out of control

God is concerned with:

  • How you respond to Anger
  • How fast you get angry
  • How long you stay angry
  • Forgiveness
  • Reconciliation
  • Loss of self control

Response to Anger

Not all anger is loud and explosive

  • Some is passive aggressive
  • Some anger is disguised as another emotion

How do you express it depends on your temperament and your upbringing

Volatile / Exploding Anger

Who here gets road rage?

A sudden episode of unwarranted or disproportionate Anger or rage

Leads to:

  • Temper tantrum
  • Yelling
  • Heated arguments
  • Physical fights
  • Throwing things
  • Threatening
  • Violence against others
  • Insulting
  • Damage to property
  • Trouble with interpersonal relationships


intermittent explosive disorder

People with intermittent explosive disorder have episodes of aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts that are grossly out of proportion to the situation. “In intermittent explosive disorder, people shift into sudden and extreme bouts of anger that are out of character for them, almost like a seizure,”

– Chris Aiken, MD, director of the Mood Treatment Center and instructor in clinical psychiatry at Wake Forest University School of Medicine

To be classified as intermittent explosive disorder it has to

  • Be chronic
  • Cause socio economic dysfunction
  • Occurs three or more times in one year

Proverbs 29:11

11A fool always loses his temper,

But a wise person holds it back.

Hardened anger

When you have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting an event where you feel you were wronged


  • hatred
  • bitterness

You're waiting for an apology, but the person who did it maybe doesn't care or doesn't even know that you're mad

Solution: forgive

Vengeful anger

Continuous thoughts of revenge or how to get back at the other person

This type of anger takes a toll on you both mentally and physically in the form of:

  • obsessive thoughts
  • high levels of stress
  • an increased risk for heart problems

Revenge or thinking of revenge can be addictive

Romans 12:18-21

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. 20 “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM; IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


Passive Anger (Stuffing)

Deep down you’re mad, but you don’t express it or you haven't acknowledged it yet


  • Deny
  • Rise above

Negative Impact

  • No Boundaries
  • No well defined sense of self

 “It's not uncommon for this type of person to one day just snap”


“When you keep the feelings all bottled up, your body is tense all the time. Your immune system weakens, and you're at higher risk for heart disease, cancer, osteoarthritis, even temporomandibular joint dysfunction and skin conditions,” says Peter Sacco, PhD


  • Start trying to express your opinion and speaking up
  • Be authentic

“He that is angry without cause, sins. But he who is not angry when there is cause, sins. For unreasonable patience is the hotbed of many vices, it fosters negligence, and incites not only the wicked but the good to do wrong.”

— John Chrysostom

Passive aggressive anger

Passive expressions of anger

  • Silent treatment
  • Self harm
    • cutting yourself
    • Pulling out your hair
  • Making snide comments
  • Withholding affection
  • Forgetting important dates
  • Over eating
  • Subtle insults
  • Sarcasm
  • Intentional lateness
  • Intentionally don’t finish tasks

Story: wife and the toothbrush

Much of this is manipulation

Incidental Anger

You were angry about a particular event or situation,

  •  the anger motivates you to deal with it directly and quickly

When you get angry, you appropriately express it and move on.

The anger doesn’t

  • get you off course
  • blind you from being able to solve the problem
  • Ruin your day

“Anger helps us to sense that something is wrong,”

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29-30

29 One who is slow to anger has great understanding; But one who is quick-tempered exalts foolishness. 30 A tranquil heart is life to the body, But jealousy is rottenness to the bones.

The proper mode of being is to be slow to anger

  • Not to never get angry
  • Not to blow up instantly

God is slow to anger

God describing Himself to Moses

Exodus 34:6

6 Then the LORD passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in faithfulness and truth;

  • God describes Himself as slow to anger

Deuteronomy 24:16

16 Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin.

What Determines if You Are Slow to Anger

factors that determine how fast you get angry

  • How flexible is your thinking
  • How you react to change
  • What is your default view of the world
    • Is it a safe place?
    • Unfair place
    • Racist/sexist place

Aloof Person

Go with the flow type of person

  • Flexible
  • Adjust desires to meet the situation
  • Few expectations

Willing to change if something turns out to be different than what he wanted


  • the world is a safe place
  •  people usually have good intentions


This person can be so disengaged that they seen uninvested

You wonder if they even care

Rigid Person

Extremely inflexible in thinking

Strong sense of what is right and what is wrong

  • Very little shades of gray
  • Doesn’t want to change or be expected to change once he’s made his mind up
  • can become indignant at the thought that you would even ask such a thing

Takes a stand on general principle


  • the world is unsafe
  •  people will take advantage of you

They make you want to say “hey relax it’s not that important“


They are engaged and passionate about what they are engaged in

It’s a Spectrum

Where are you are on the spectrum determines

  • How quick you are to anger
  • How intensely angry you become

Your household growing up impacts your reaction to anger

When growing up…

Did people freely yell when they were angry?

Was anger something that frightened you?

Were you allowed to express your anger freely?

Were you told or was it implied that you were being difficult when you got upset

If you were free to express your anger, what kind was it?

Traumatic event

Some people went through a traumatic event that causes them to know the angry or to view the world as an unsafe place

How Long You Are Angry

Ephesians 4:25-27

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

  • You can be angry
  • Don’t respond to your anger with sinful actions
  • Don’t stay angry too long

Be Angry But Don’t Sin

Chronic anger

You’ve been angry for two months or more

You go to bed angry wake up angry

There are very few moments when you are not angry throughout the day

Over time, this type of anger weakens the immune system and


  • hypertension 
  • cardiovascular disease


  • Pray
  • Walk
  • Breathe
  • Calming music
  • Creatively embody your anger
  • Clinch your fist, bear your fangs , growl, say “no“
  • Inquire
  • Ask your anger… What do I need to see or face that I have been unwilling to face
  • What needs to be protected or supported
  • What action do I need to take right now?
  • Practice the pause

Instructor: Michael Leadon


The healing of anger

Tim Keller

 Anger is your Ally: a mindful approach to anger

Juno mustard| TEDx Wabash college


Andy Wood

The seven anger types And how to recognize them

Dr. Daniel Fox

CBT techniques for anger management

Uncommon practitioners

What’s Your Anger Type? | Everyday Health

Beneath the surface | anger

Transformation church | Derwin Gray

This is what makes you angry

Dr Tracey Marks


Matthew 21:12 (NIV)

Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.

What is intermittent explosive disorder?

Recurrent behavioral outbursts that are a failure to control aggressive impulses as manifested by either of the following:

High frequency, low intensity outbursts

  • Temper tantrums
  • Tirades
  • Verbal arguments or fights
  • Aggression toward property , Animals, or people, but it doesn’t result in property damage, or injury

Low frequency, high intensity outbursts

  • Does result in damage or destruction of property
  • Physical assaults result in injury
  • Occurs three times in a 12 month period

The magnitude of the aggression is grossly unproportional to the provocation or other trigger

Outbursts are not premeditated or intentional

Outburst caused a lot of distress to the person or a lot of problems with their life

  • Work
  • Family
  • Financial consequences

This usually starts in late childhood or early adolescence


This disorder runs in families

The causes are unknown

How to treat it

  • Medication
  • Therapy
    • Building skills and coping mechanisms
    • Learning to process your anger differently

Be Angry But Don’t Sin

In the church, we often talk about “righteous anger”.  We define righteous anger as being mad at  what makes God mad.   We tend to want to view our own anger as “righteous anger”.

Lying is a sin.  We can have “righteous anger” because someone lied.  But if we kill someone because they exaggerated about how big of a fish they caught on their fishing trip it would be a sin even though it was “righteous anger”.  The reason for your anger doesn’t excuse your actions.  

The bible says “in your anger don’t sin”.  This is not referring to the reason for our anger, but instead it is looking at our response to anger.  Your response isn’t just the actions you do while angry.   God is also concerned with how fast/easily you get angry and how long you stay angry.


Angry people tend to be overly critical and cynical

to them everything is personal

You’re not just angry at what the person did, they are angry at the person

Tend to see themselves as victims


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