Communicating what you want and don't want in a relationship.
~~Watch the Video~~
2 Corinthians 9:7
7 Each one must do just as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
- 2 Corinthians 9:7
- Matthew 7:12
- Galatians 1:10
- 2 Corinthians 6:14-15
- Proverbs 12:26
- Ephesians 4:29
- Proverbs 4:24
- 1 Corinthians 15:33
- Proverbs 20:19
- Proverbs 11:13
- Proverbs 22:24-25
- Proverbs 13:20
- Proverbs 20:3
Guard rails on the freeway are designed to keep vehicles from going into dangerous or off-limits areas.
- It is designed to minimize damage
The guard rail is never placed in the danger zone.
- It is placed in a safety zone.
Boundaries serve the same function
- A boundary is a personal rule
Boundaries are a way of communicating your wants (and don’t wants).
You Hurt Everyone When You Don’t Express Your Wants
Can you love your wife properly if you don’t know what she wants?
Can you show respect to your husband if you don’t know his preferences?
Story: sushi on the first date
Respecting the boundaries of others
“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
If we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
When we can love and respect the boundaries of others
- We genuinely care for another person because we gain nothing by helping someone tell us no
- It teaches us empathy
We should fight for the no of others just as we fight for the no of ourselves
Don’t try to guilt and shame them into relaxing their boundary
- Call them selfish
- Remind them of all you’ve done for them
- Explain to them why they should want to do it
- Passive aggressive
- Traits of Wholeness
- Boundaries Review
- Boundaries in Relationships (Continued)
- Inappropriate/Offensive Conversation
- Time / Energy
- Physical Boundaries
- Boundaries Around Your Friend Choices
- Marriage / Romantic Relationships
- Other Relationships
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be _______ healthy
Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just supposed to have eternal life
- We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Traits of Wholeness
- Not seeking external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Healthy relationships with others
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict
- Not critical or Judgmental
- Not jealous
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
- You care about how others feel
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate directly
- Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
- Being led by the Spirit
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is:
- a guideline
- a rule
- a limit
It states… This is what I am OK with and this is what I am not OK with
When we practice boundaries, we take ownership of:
- Our thoughts
- Our feelings
- Our bodies
- Our decisions
Boundaries help us determine
- What I am responsible for, and what I am not responsible for in relationships
We are not responsible for the other person’s wants.
- We are responsible for our own limits.
Boundaries have consequences
Goals of Boundaries
The goal of studying boundary setting isn’t about getting the other person to be different...it's about getting you to be different
Hard vs Soft Boundaries
Boundaries can be hard and they can be soft
You are willing to compromise on soft boundaries but not hard ones
Jesus’ Soft Boundaries
- Jesus healed the Canaanite woman’s daughter
- Jesus served wine before its time (Paul Masson reference)
Jesus’ Hard Boundaries
- Jesus drove out the money changers from the temple - Matthew 21:12-13
- He often went away to pray - Luke 5:15-16
Obedience to God is the Ultimate Boundary
For am I now seeking the favor of people, or of God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.
If God gives direction or instruction about something, or the Holy Spirit gives you an assignment...that is your boundary
Knowing Yourself Before You Get Into a Relationship
- If you find your calling after you’re in a relationship it may change things, but you still have to follow it
Learning yourself goes hand in hand with learning to set boundaries
Boundaries in Relationships (Review)
What are some boundaries we talked about last time?
Your Feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem.
don’t take responsibility for feelings of other
- Don’t expect other to take responsibility for your feelings
Example: you had a bad day
- It’s not someone else’s responsibility to cheer you up
Don’t tell others how they felt or didn’t feel or shouldn’t feel
You Can’t Expect Them to Make You Happy - Will Smith
There are some people that when you interact with them, you leave worse than when you came
Don’t make offers that you hope will be declined
We offer to do something, but secretly hope the person will say no.
Am I trying to look like a good person by making it seem like I want to do things that I don’t want to do?
If they say yes you will feel… Bitter, angry, resentful
This doesn’t include things that are your responsibility
2 Corinthians 6:14-15
14 Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with Belial, or what does a believer share with an unbeliever?
Romantic, friendship, family
The righteous person is a guide to his neighbor, But the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Two people in a relationship should have two different emotional experiences
You shouldn’t have to justify how you feel
Being expected to be on call emotionally for someone
You can’t expect someone to always be emotionally ready for you to dump on them
- Reciprocal self disclosure
Comfortable Conversation Window
Talk to them when their conversation window is open
Example: don’t dump on someone when they walk in the door
Lack of privacy or secrecy
If you are insisting that your partner is not allowed to have privacy… What is that behavior communicating?
- What does that communicate about your relationship?
- What does that communicate about you?
Should You Give Her Your Cellphone Password
You Haven’t Healed from the Past
Boundaries in Relationships (Continued)
When do you want to start setting boundaries in a relationship?
Story: advice to take care of kids:
you can say yes to everything, and then when you start putting limits on them they will resent you and rebel.
You can set clear and strict limits, and after they get used to your style you can loosen up a little bit . They will love you forever.
Have you ever dated someone who did something or liked something initially but once you got married they stopped doing it or stopped liking it?
Story: newlyweds feel deceived
- Assumed his wife agreed because she never commented
Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Inappropriate questions or topics
- Someone asked raw, personal and intimate questions that you don’t feel appropriate sharing
“I’m not getting into all that right now”
How to Respond to Prying Questions
- Hook, line and sinker
Unwanted sexual or physical comments
Rid yourself of a deceitful mouth And keep devious speech far from you.
“When you curse at me I shut down, so I will have to hang up (or leave the room) if you continue”
Time / Energy
You don’t have to always be available for someone else’s plans
- Arriving late
- Not showing up without an excuse
Example: pet peeve - when you call people and they cancel
- They should be initiating the call
You need to be aware that lateness communicates a lack of
Some people are late to dates intentionally so they don’t seem overly interested
What are some other factors that could make someone late all the time?
Did you know that being late can be cultural?
- African time
- CP time
- Filipino time
- Hawaiian time
Example: having a party
- Who will arrive when
What do you do if you have a friend that’s always late?
“I try to make a point to always be on time because I feel that that communicates that I respect the other person’s time and don’t consider myself more important than them”
- You have asked someone not to contact you yet they still contact you
- Some people need space
- This will be hard for people we have problems with emotional boundaries
They may be contacting you asking you to talk to them… It is ultimately to make them feel better
- Personal space
Example: riding the subway
- Public displays of affection
- Touching you when they talk
Ability to do things alone
- Always having to be accompanied by your partner
- Needing to get permission to do things or go places
Awareness and respecting physical needs
- Hair (length, style, color)
Should you need permission from your mate to change your hairstyle?
- You should communicate if it’s important to the other person
Communicating Your Wants and Needs
Aware of your thoughts and wants
It Is healthy to be able to know what you want and to communicate it
- Also includes allowing others to have their own thoughts and opinions
Being aware and communicating your wants, needs, thoughts and ideas
- Not relying on your partner to tell you what you want or what you think
- Example: what do you want to eat?
Unawareness of your thoughts and wants is a sign that you have unhealthy boundaries
- Assuming you know what the other person is thinking
- Expecting the other person to know what you were thinking
Mind reading and expecting mind reading is a boundary violation
- Where to eat
- Where to go on vacation
- Intimate physical preferences
- “You should already know what’s wrong”
We Live In Different Worlds
You can’t expect that other people view the world the same as you do
- Different life experiences give us different filters
Story: discussion at restaurant - why women got divorced …
As you heal, your world will start to change
- You will attract different
Ability to Disagree
You can agree to disagree
Willingness to consider other perspectives
It is unhealthy if one person communicates to the other that they have to agree with them all of the time
- That is not a healthy relationship
Boundaries Around Your Friend Choices
1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
People: Some add to your life; some take away
You have 3 types of friends
- Casual friends
- Close friends
Casual friends may be the result of my circumstances
Your close friends should be the result of your choices
- Loves everybody
- Fed the 5000
- Training 120
- Disciple 12
- Mentored three
Only Peter, James and John
- Were in the garden of Gethsemane
- Got to see his transformation
One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip.
- Gossip is sharing damaging information when you aren’t part of the problem or part of the solution
One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, But one who is trustworthy conceals a matter.
People who can’t control their temper
24 Do not make friends with a person given to anger, Or go with a hot-tempered person, 25 Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.
One who walks with wise people will be wise, But a companion of fools will suffer harm.
The easy thing in friendships is to surround yourself with like-minded people
Avoiding strife is an honor for a person, But any fool will quarrel.
Is your peace more important than winning this argument?
Boundaries and relationship
AIICEU counseling education
Seven boundaries you need to set in your life
Julia Christina counseling
Cloud and Townsend
Boundaries in Relationship
Forming healthy friendships
Rick Warren and Kurt Johnston
Romans 12:15 (NASB20) Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
James 1:19 (NASB20) You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;
Proverbs 20:5 (NASB20)
A plan in the heart of a person is like deep water, But a person of understanding draws it out.
Philippians 2:4 (NASB20) do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Bright eyes gladden the heart; Good news refreshes the bones.
1 Corinthians 5:9-11 (NASB20)
9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people; 10 I did not at all mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the greedy and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to leave the world. 11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is a sexually immoral person, or a greedy person, or an idolater, or is verbally abusive, or habitually drunk, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a person.
Defending bad character
But You Need an Answer Before You Commit
Some people have told their partners part of their sexual history
- But they will go to the altar without telling the person the whole truth because they are afraid of what that person will think about them
- This is the person they are planning to commit the rest of their life to
A person of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.