Scriptures:
Matthew 10:16
James 1:5
Proverbs 12:15
Galatians 1:10
Proverbs 14:10
2 Corinthians 9:7
2 Corinthians 6:14
Matthew 10:16
16 “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be as wary* as serpents, and as innocent as doves.
phronimos: practically wise, sensible
wary/wise/shrewd
phrónimos
– properly, "how we size things up," reflecting our personal ("visceral") opinions, i.e. what we consider "savvy" (smart). This always roots to our personal perspective ("inner outlook") which regulates our definition of being "shrewd," i.e. reflects personal mind-set
-- Helps Word Study
The verse alluding to having an inward perspective that allows us to navigate amongst the unholy without being taken advantage of
“ trust everybody but cut the cards“
I’m going to assume the best of you, but I’m going to play by the rules
Boundaries are one of the most effective tools to achieving this goal
The armor of God is another
Following the Holy Spirit
The impact of poor boundaries
What does it look like when you don't have boundaries in a relationship?
You feel unsafe and disempowered
You feel hyper vigilant and anxious
You "walk on eggshells" to avoid upsetting the other person
You may have a hard time identifying what we feel
You stop trying to think for yourself
You feel hopelessness and depression
The other person is in your business and in our physical belongings
If you haven’t communicated your thoughts, wants and needs people won’t take them into consideration
You’ll find people are not paying attention to you
People will ignore your thoughts wants and needs
We become chameleons
Overaggressive Boundaries
On the other hand, if you have overaggressive boundaries you invade the boundaries of others and make them feel bullied
Example: “I don’t do dishes”
Warning:
In the last lesson we talked in generalities
Today we get real real
Outline:
Introduction
Traits of Wholeness
Boundaries Review
Class Boundaries (Example)
Why is it hard to set boundaries?
Boundaries to Set in Relationships
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be _______ healthy
spiritually
emotionally
mentally
Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just supposed to have eternal life
We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Traits of Wholeness
Authenticity
Honesty
Kindness
Not seeking external approval / validation
Living by values and principles
Setting Boundaries
Taking ownership of your responsibilities
Living with purpose and passion
Optimism
Confidence
Healthy relationships with others
Not losing control of your emotions
Free from addictions
Addressing Conflict
Vulnerability
Not critical or Judgmental
Not jealous
Genuinely applaud the success of others
Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
Not afraid to fail
Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
Selfless encounters with others
Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
You care about how others feel
Patient
Don’t give into peer/social pressure
Can communicate directly
Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
Take responsibility for your own emotions
Being led by the Spirit
Keep an ear out in this lesson for anything we should add to the list
Boundaries Review
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Spiritual boundaries help us distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator.
-- Boundaries - Cloud & Townsend
A boundary is:
a guideline
a rule
a limit
It states… This is what I am OK with and this is what I am not OK with
When we practice boundaries, we take ownership of:
Our thoughts
Our feelings
Our bodies
Our decisions
Boundaries help us determine
What I am responsible for, and what I am not responsible for in relationships
We are not responsible for the other person’s wants.
We are responsible for our own limits.
Boundaries have consequences
Goals of Boundaries
The goal of boundary setting isn’t about getting the other person to be different...it's about getting you to be different
It’s not a manipulation tactic
Boundaries provide protection so that we can be vulnerable
They allow you to let your guard down
Manipulation
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the behavior or perception of others through indirect, deceptive, or underhanded tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at another's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative and devious.
Manipulation is indirectly trying to change someone’s behavior
Hard vs Soft Boundaries
Boundaries can be hard and they can be soft
You are willing to compromise on soft boundaries but not hard ones
Example:
Jesus healed the Canaanite woman’s daughter
Jesus made wine before His time
Jesus Had Boundaries
What were some examples where Jesus showed that He had boundaries?
Jesus drove out the money changers from the temple - Matthew 21:12-13
He often went away to pray - Luke 5:15-16
He only healed one person at the pool of Bethesda - John 5:1-15
How to Set Boundaries
Self Assessment
Am I aware when I am being controlled by others?
Am I aware when I am being violated?
Am I aware of my early warning signals?
Assess The Situation
How are you feeling about the situation and why?
What do you wish could be different?
Am I being selfish?
Pray About It
James 1:5
If anyone lacks wisdom ask God and it will be given to you
Establish what you want
You can’t set boundaries until you are clear on your desires
Define Your Boundaries
Remember, you’re responsible for your thoughts, feelings, body and decisions, but no one else’s.
Establish Consequences
Consequences should be chosen prayerfully—and ahead of time, so that you’re not making a decision in the heat of the moment.
Communicate Your Boundaries
Be direct and clear
Express it with logic rather than emotion
Boundaries should use “I statements“
Don’t say: “you always…”, “you never…”
You’re not expressing a judgment of the other person
Example: “when you yell at me it makes me shut down”
You don’t just dump all of your boundaries on someone you give them over time
Anticipate Resistance
This may cause
The other person to drawback
Tension
Conflict
This doesn’t mean that you were wrong to set the boundary
Seek Counsel
Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,
But a person who listens to advice is wise.
Get support
Obedience to God is the Ultimate Boundary
Galatians 1:10
For am I now seeking the favor of people, or of God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.
If God gives direction or instruction about something that is your boundary
Class Boundaries (Example)
You can disagree with what I say
State your case, and I will decide when it’s time to move on
You can’t expect to continue talking about it until you change my mind or get agreement from the class
You might be right, but we’re moving on...
Consequence:
Muted
Asked not to come back
Why is it hard to set boundaries?
Why is it hard for some people to set boundaries?
Fear of rejection
Need for approval
In order to feel OK they need others to approve of them
Internalized messages that your thoughts wants and needs are not important or not OK
Prior bad experiences trying to be assertive
They tried to be assertive and it backfired on them
Maybe they got written up at work
Someone broke up with them
Cultural differences
Low self-esteem
You’ll only set boundaries if you value yourself
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRXQMuba/
Boundaries to Set in Relationships
Setting boundaries in relationships about
What type of treatment you are willing to except or not except
You will have different boundaries for different relationships
Traits of a Healthy/Unhealthy Relationship
Trust
Suspicion
Jealousy
Honesty
Game-playing or manipulation
Be honest about what you want or what you need
Self-esteem / security
Needing partner to provide validation
Respecting differences in your partner
Trying to change the other person
Willingness to help without needing to rescue or make yourself indispensable
Feeling like you have to constantly “rescue“ people close to you
Assertively communicating your needs and standing your ground
Feeling like people take advantage of you
Independence
Dependence
Taking personal responsibility
Blaming others
Paying Attention
Apathy - disengaged
Balance and reciprocity
Demanding or giving all the time
Feelings
Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy.
You Own Your Feelings
Feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem.
don’t take responsibility for feelings of other
Don’t expect other to take responsibility for your feelings
Example: you had a bad day
People can act upset to manipulate you
Don’t tell others how they felt or didn’t feel or shouldn’t feel
“ you shouldn’t be mad“
Story: I used to take responsibility for their feelings
Manipulated
Women cry to manipulate
Joy
Negative People
There are some people that when you interact with them, you leave worse than when you came
Some people only want to talk about negative
Their issues
Their drama
COVID
Trump / Biden
Politics
Conspiracy Theories
You may be right, and it may be true, but there are other things to talk about
We all have times when we’re going through something, but if all you’ve been able to talk about is you going through something for the past three years…
Example: woman with abusive husband
Jealous of happiness
Some don’t want other people to be happy when they are not
Do you get mad when your mate is having fun with their friends?
but you aren’t doing anything
Or you had a rough day
Don’t make offers that you hope will be declined
2 Corinthians 9:7
7 Each one must do just as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
We offer to do something, but secretly hope the person will say no.
We want to come across as a good generous loving person by offering.
Am I trying to look like a good person by making it seem like I want to do things that I don’t want to do?
If they say yes you will feel… Bitter, angry, resentful
We then secretly blame the other person for making us do something we didn’t want to do
Example: some people will try to shame you into offering
“I guess I’ll just wash my car by myself this weekend even though I’m tired and you’re better at it”
Manipulation
Get Comfortable Not Offering
Sometimes people outwardly comply but inwardly resent
You have to allow yourself to be OK with not offering
Be authentic
But Don’t Shirk Your Responsibility
This doesn’t include things that are your responsibility
Don’t be the one taking advantage of someone else
Sometimes we feel guilty because we really should be doing it
Example: paying the bill for a meal
You get mad when you offer to pay for the meal and they say OK
Threatening To Break Up
Has anyone ever threatened to break up with someone to see if they will fight to keep you?
Some people threaten their significant other with break up to see if they will fight for the relationship
That’s manipulation
Example: I lost my job
Disengage and cool down before you respond
It keeps us from saying or doing something that we regret
No one said you have to deal with something the exact moment that it is happening
“ I'm getting really irritated right now so I need to take a step back or this isn’t going to be helpful“
Non-Christian Relationships
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness?
Romantic, friendship, family
There are two groups of people
Those in the world
Those in the church
“The world” means Godlessness
Wood Dulls Iron
https://www.instagram.com/p/CTckw46D3XK/?utm_medium=copy_link
Emotional
You should know how you feel about something
You should know how you feel in general
Two people in a relationship should have two different emotional experiences
dismissing, rejecting, or assuming you know someone else’s emotions
“You weren’t sad”
“You shouldn’t be mad about it”
Not accepting that someone else can feel an emotion different than what we feel
Healthy vs Unhealthy
Healthy
Responsible for your own happiness
Feelings are a natural chemical-based Response is based on prior learning
Emotional awareness and intelligence
“I am feeling anxious because of… And these are my options of how to deal with it“
Self and other compassion
Unhealthy
Always placing your partner's happiness above your own
Believing your feelings are wrong
Believing your partner must feel the way you do
If you aren’t in touch with what makes you happy and what makes you sad then you won’t know where to set boundaries
Empathy
You can empathize with someone else who doesn’t feel the same way, but it doesn’t have to change your feelings
Social awareness is the ability to pick up on what others feel, think and their opinion even if you don’t feel the same
Example: Politics
“I don’t see how he can believe that”
Me: “what do you mean you can’t see why he would believe it?“
Requiring Justification
Being made to feel that you have to justify
Being made to feel that you have to present the evidence for the way you feel
Emotional dumping
Some people don’t respect the emotional boundaries of others
Being expected to be on call emotionally for someone
You can’t expect someone to always be emotionally ready for you to dump on them
You might trigger some memory of theirs
Example: you are complaining about the fact that your mother always wants to come over to someone whose mother just died
it is a boundary violation if someone dumps all of the problems on you and they don’t know you
Reciprocal self disclosure
Don’t share too much too soon
Example: Narcissist try to get personal information about you early to use in manipulating you later
Shaming you to keep you insecure
Smearing your reputation after a breakup so they look like the victim
Blame passing
“You’re just suspicious of me because that guy cheated on you with your sister”
Play on your insecurities
Possessions
Lending out your possessions and items to someone else
It is OK to have a say in which of your possessions are available to someone else
It is also OK to have a say in how those items are returned
Food Example
Food at restaurant?
Story: asked for the last bite of my pizza
Test
Story: Roommates food
Privacy
Lack of privacy or secrecy
My stuff
Diary
Computer
Phone
Social media accounts
Email
Locked drawers/safes
Bank account
If you are insisting that your partner is not allowed to have privacy… What is that behavior communicating?
What does that communicate about your relationship?
What does that communicate about you?
Cell Phone Password
Should you be able to demand your significant other’s cell phone password?
Example: restoring trust
You can’t bring boundaries that were appropriate for one relationship into another
If you need unreasonable access to feel safe then you have a problem
Story: even worse my kids figure it out
Concerned about some of the messages to mom
Restoring Trust
Story: movie - gave wife cell phone
Next day she heard a phone ringing
Some people have a secret
Phones
Social media account
Bank account
Where is this lack of trust or fear of abandonment coming from?
A breach of trust
Infidelity
Excessive use of pornography
Addiction
What you are OK with other people looking at, touching, messing with and what you are not
Married vs not married
Baggage
I shouldn’t hold you hostage for the wrong things that other people did to me
Emotional Baggage
Instructor: Michael Leadon
References
Boundaries and relationship
AIICEU counseling education
Seven boundaries you need to set in your life
Julia Christina counseling
Boundaries
Cloud and Townsend
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