Boundaries in Relationships 3

 

Boundaries to set in your relationships and in life in general.

~~Watch the Video~~

Scriptures:

• Galatians 6:1-5
• Galatians 1:10
• Proverbs 14:10
• 1 Corinthians 15:33
• Proverbs 20:19  
• Proverbs 22:24-25
• Proverbs 13:20
• Proverbs 20:3
• 2 Corinthians 6:14-15
• 1 Corinthians 7: 1-7
• Ephesians 5:33
• Galatians 1:8
• Colossians 3:1-4
• 2 Corinthians 10:5
• Proverbs 19:11
• Proverbs 28:6

Who here feels like they love their neighbor as much as they should?

For those that do, are you living a life inspired by the love of Christ?

• Or a life of obligation inspired by religion?

Galatians 6:1-5

Brothers and sisters, even if a person is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual are to restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you are not tempted as well. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks that he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting, but to himself alone, and not to another. 5 For each one will bear his own load.

2 Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Burden

Burden: baros

heaviness, weight, burden, trouble

Burden =  a load that is too heavy for any one person to carry

real substance (what has value, significance), i.e. carries personal and eternal significance

Many of us have problems sharing our burdens with others

5 For each one will bear his own load.

Load

Load: phortion

a burden, load

Load =  cargo

It is the amount of weight that a particular ship was designed to carry

properly, a burden which must be carried by the individual, i.e. as something personal and hence is not transferable

Paul means that every person has a unique load that he is designed to carry

Some of us are blaming everyone else for things that we are supposed to carry

4 scenarios

1. Selfish

1. I won’t carry my brother’s burden

2. Proud

1. I won’t share my burden

3. Codependent or Entitled

1. I don’t take responsibility for my own cargo
2. I expect someone else to carry my cargo

4. Enabling

1. I carry other people's cargo
2. You don’t allow them to reap what they sow

How do I know

• Which one is cargo and which one is a burden
• What I’m supposed to carry and what I’m not supposed to carry
• When I am supposed to say no and when I am supposed to say yes
• Where am I supposed to draw the line?

SOMETIMES it’s

• Saying yes

• Being a blessing to someone else

• Saying no

• And let the person carry their own cargo

• Discovering that you can’t do something on your own that you thought you could
• Discovering that you can do something by yourself that you never thought you could

With the Seeking Wholeness series we’re focused on all of them

With boundaries we’ve been mostly focused on the “saying no” part

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Boundaries Review
• Boundaries in Relationships (Continued)
• Life Boundaries
• Announcement

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgmental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Being led by the Spirit

Boundaries Review

What is a Boundary?

A boundary is:

• a guideline
• a rule
• a limit

It states… This is what I am OK with and this is what I am not OK with

When we practice boundaries, we take ownership of:

• Our thoughts
• Our feelings
• Our bodies
• Our decisions

Boundaries in relationships help us determine

• Ownership
• Access
• Control of your life
• Responsibility
• We are not responsible for the other person’s wants.
• We are responsible for our own limits.

Boundaries relate to our ability to say no

• And allow others to say no to us

Boundary is not a way to convince other people that the way what I need, think, and feel should be important to them

Goals of Boundaries

The goal of studying boundary setting isn’t about getting the other person to be different...it's about getting you to be different

communication

Assertiveness

• Passivity communicates that my thoughts, wants and needs don’t matter
• Aggressiveness communicates that my thoughts, wants and needs are all that matters
• Assertiveness says these are my thoughts wants and needs, but I’m open to hear your thoughts and wants and needs
• Passive-aggressive communicates these are my thoughts, wants, and needs, and you’re a bad person if you don’t meet them ( guilt, shame)

Codependency

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRDLEnM2/

Overaggressive Boundaries

Having healthy boundaries also means preventing yourself from taking advantage of others

• Being too overbearing
• Asking for too much

Trying to set boundaries on things that are in someone else’s realm of responsibility and control

• No one asked your opinion
• “I think it should be this way…”

Sometimes people don’t know that they are violating your boundaries.

• They are operating off of their own boundaries.  

Self-centered people won’t understand when someone has a boundary that is different than theirs

• “I can’t see why someone would have a problem with that“
• “I can’t see why they don’t get it”

Communicating Boundaries

Be direct

Try

• “I’d prefer if you did ___”
• “When you do ____, it makes me feel ___”

Avoid the language  with

• “You always…”
• “You never…”

“I feel like you…”

Address the behavior not the person

The goal is to communicate your want

• Not to make them feel bad
• “A good Christian wouldn’t do that”

You are just stating your preference

Obedience to God is the Ultimate Boundary

Galatians 1:10

For am I now seeking the favor of people, or of God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

If God gives direction or instruction about something, or the Holy Spirit gives you an assignment...that is your boundary

Boundary Examples

Does anyone have any examples where they set a boundary recently?

“When we’re having a serious conversation and you make a sarcastic remark it makes me feel like you don’t care. Because of that I’m going to ask that you not do that?  If you do, we are going to have to take a break and talk about it another time.

“I want you to stop sharing every interaction we have with your friends because it makes our interactions feel awkward/unsafe”

“I’d really like for you to let me finish speaking before you respond“

Boundaries in Relationships (Review)

What are some boundaries we talked about?

We get the behavior that we are willing to tolerate

Feelings

Proverbs 14:10

The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy.

Don’t take responsibility for feelings of others

• Don’t expect other to take responsibility for your feelings
• Don’t tell others how they felt or shouldn’t feel

Example: you had a bad day

• It’s not someone else’s responsibility to cheer you up

Emotional

Two people in a relationship should have two different emotional experiences

You shouldn’t have to justify how you feel

Emotional dumping

You can’t expect someone to always be emotionally ready for you to dump on them

Joy

Does this person take away your joy?

• “Why are you so happy?”
• “Why are you always smiling?”
• They are unhappy and they want you to be unhappy too

• They hate their job. And you should too.

Always Negative

• Complaining
• Blaming
• Angry
• ...Never have a solution

Example: boundary: people who always want to give me bad new before the bible study

Peace

Does this relationship take away your peace of mind?

• You are constantly worry and have anxiety and fear about the relationship
• They are always threatening to leave you

Privacy

You to communicate your boundaries around

• Cell phone passwords
• Social media
• Email accounts

Broken trust

• Different expectation of privacy
• You can’t bring that same expectation into a future relationship

Conversation

Ephesians 4:29

Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

• Inappropriate questions or topics
• Unwanted sexual or physical comments
• Cursing / Yelling

“When you curse at me I shut down, so I will have to hang up (or leave the room) if you continue”

Time / Energy

• Plans
• You don’t have to always be available for someone else’s plans
• Lateness
• Cultural differences
• Communicate what “late” means to you
• What it communicates
• Contact

Physical

• Proximity
• Touch
• Ability to do things alone

Story: friend’s wife - introvert

Thoughts

• Mind Reading

• Assuming you know what the other person is thinking
• Expecting the other person to know what you were thinking
• Example

• “Expected to know where I want to eat”
• “Expected to know what’s wrong”

• Ability to Disagree

• Do they feel like you have the ability to approve or disapprove of your decisions?

Boundaries Around Your Friend Choices

Biblical advice about your friends/relationships?

1 Corinthians 15:33

Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

Gossipers

Proverbs 20:19

One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip.

• Gossip is sharing damaging information when you aren’t part of the problem or part of the solution

People who can’t control their temper

Proverbs 22:24-25

24 Do not make friends with a person given to anger, Or go with a hot-tempered person, 25 Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.

Wise Friends

Proverbs 13:20

One who walks with wise people will be wise, But a companion of fools will suffer harm.

Meaningless Arguments

Proverbs 20:3

Avoiding strife is an honor for a person, But any fool will quarrel.

Non-Christian Relationships

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

14 Do not be mismatched with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with Belial, or what does a believer share with an unbeliever?

Romantic, friendship

Do they bring you closer or further from Christ?

Boundaries in Relationships (Continued)

 What type of boundaries can be set in dating?

• Where and when you are alone with them

Marriage

What are some boundaries that God set around marriage?

Sex in Marriage

1 Corinthians 7: 1-7

1Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But because of sexual immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But this I say by way of concession, not of command. 7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each has his own gift from God, one in this way, and another in that.

1 Now concerning the things about which you wrote,

• The Corinthians wrote Paul about this
• This was a big issue; big enough that they needed outside counsel

 it is good for a man not to touch a woman.

• It’s a good thing for a man to remain celibate
• Presumably so he will have more time to serve God and more freedom to do so
• Paul thought the last days were approaching

2 But because of sexual immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.

• To prevent fornication
• Sex is a valid reason to get married

• Not just for procreation

3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

• The “duty” is having sex
• You should do it even when you don’t feel like it (frequency is not given)

5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

• Stop depriving one another
• Don’t make a one sided decision to be celebate
• Don’t abstain to get control

• Not for manipulation / power
• It’s a reward for “good behavior”

6But this I say by way of concession, not of command. 7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each has his own gift from God, one in this way, and another in that

• Getting married isn’t a command, but it’s allowed
• Everyone doesn’t have the gift of celibacy

Love and Respect

Ephesians 5:33

Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

• The husband shouldn’t show more love to any woman than his wife
• The wife shouldn’t show more respect to any other man than her husband

 

Which would you prefer to endure?

A.               Being left alone & unloved in the world

B.               Feeling inadequate & disrespected by everyone

 

80% men picked A

They would rather have respect than love.

Opposite Sex Friends in a Relationship

What are boundaries that can be set around same sex friends if you’re in a relationship?

• “My ex is my best friend”

“Once someone tries to hide a friendship it creates distrust within me. It would be great if we can both be transparent with this.  How do you feel about that?”

Life Boundaries

How to not engage in, entertain, or take part in things that are not healthy or helpful

Beliefs

Galatians 1:8

But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed!

Don’t believe another gospel

New religious writings

Identity

Colossians 3:1-4

1 Therefore, since you have been raised with Christ, strive for the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

Don’t put your ultimate identity in things of this world

What do you get your sense of worth from?

Your ultimate identity should be found in Jesus Christ

Identity in Christ Alone

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CTXlfTxFDE5/

Your Thought Life

2 Corinthians 10:5

 5We are destroying arguments and all arrogance raised against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,

Thoughts come from

• The world / culture
• Your flesh
• The enemy
• The media
• Your associations
• Friends
• Family
• Coworkers

Your Attention

Satan wants your attention

• He wants you to be distracted

Your Values

• Where do you get your values?

The news, your coworkers, your family

… or the bible?

Inner Voices

You need to set boundaries with your inner voices that come from your past

We need to test our thoughts and validate or invalidate them

• Take every thought captive

“You’re so stupid...you did it again”

Offense

Proverbs 19:11

11 A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger,

And it is his glory to overlook an offense.

We need to overlook some offenses

One of the main strategies he’s used over the past couple of year is “offense“

Christians have lost more friends over politics this past year then over religion

Political Parties

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CSy_BrHnvo_/

Don’t Engage in Unhelpful Conversations

• Name-calling
• Undermining
• Insulting
• Manipulating
• One who is not open to having a conversation

You don’t have to argue with people on the Internet

• Some people are saying things just to get a rise out of other people
• “I’m not going to use my energy getting involved in an argument with a stranger”

Intentional non-engagement

This is different than just being a pushover

Don’t take the bait if someone tries to offend you

What to do

• Change the subject
• Walk away
• Keep your mouth shut

When you do this you’re

• taking charge of yourself
• exhibiting self control
• Refusing to allow someone else to control your emotions

Integrity

Proverbs 28:6

6 Better is a poor person who walks in his integrity,

Than a person who is crooked, though he is rich.

What are you not willing to give up in order to achieve your dreams?

Standards

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CT1_u0sFw4b/?utm_medium=copy_link

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Boundaries and relationship

AIICEU counseling education

Seven boundaries you need to set in your life

Julia Christina counseling

Boundaries

Cloud and Townsend

Boundaries in Relationship

Andy Stanley

Forming healthy friendships

Rick Warren and Kurt Johnston

Boundaries in relationships

Paul Osteen

I’ve got Boundaries

Vox Church