Friday, August 28, 2020

How Emotional Wounds Impact Relationships


A guide to healthy arguments and a look at how our past can affect our relationships.


  • Psalms 19:12-13
  • Ephesians 4:32
  • Matthew 5:23-24
  • Romans 12:16
  • James 1:19
  • James 1:26        
  • Proverbs 15:1
  • Matthew 22: 36-40
  • 1 John 4:7-8

Lesson Outline:

  • Wholeness Review
  • Vulnerability
  • Brokenness Review
  • Unhealthy Argument Styles
  • Healthy Argument Rules
  • The Goal of Wholeness

How Emotional Wounds Impact Relationships

Psalms 19:12-13

12Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults.

13Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins;

  •         Let them not rule over me;
  •         Then I will be blameless,
  •         And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.

  • David knew he was broken

Wholeness Review

We live in a broken world and every day we deal with broken people.  

We’ve experienced

  • broken promises
  • Dysfunctional family
  • Abuse
  • painful  childhood experiences
  • Rape
  • Bad breakup
  • Had Abortion
  • Seeing murder
  • Death of loved ones
  • failed relationships
  • regret of things we’ve done or said

Guilty letting go of the pain.

Wholeness is about being healed from past wounds

  • emotionally
  • psychologically
  • spiritually

and removing the barriers that keep you from fully communing with God.

No longer negatively affect your

  • Perspective
  • decisions
  • Behavior
  • Expectations
  • Peace

Toure’s Definition

Wholeness is the state of being complete.  To be unbroken; having no cracks or missing parts.  Wholeness is the highest and healthiest version of any person.

Wholeness is when your life today lines  up with what heaven and God foreknew about you.  It allows God to do in your life everything that He has been waiting on.  

God doesn’t just want you to get to heaven; He wants you to experience wholeness here on earth.

Three things happen when wholeness enters our life

  1. You get a new lease on life
  2. Breaks generational curses and release generational blessings
  3. Brings restoration

--Toure Roberts

Traits of Wholeness

  • Authenticity
  • Honesty
  • Live by Values and principles
  • Kindness
  • Set healthy Boundaries
  • Know how to say no
  • Live with Purpose and Passion
  • Optimistic
  • Confidence
  • Accept That God loves you as You are
  • Have healthy relationships with both genders
  • Don’t lose control
  • Anger
  • Free from addictions
  • Don’t avoid conflict
  • Vulnerable

Which of those traits stood out most to you?


Vulnerability is the ability and willingness to express how you really feel

  • Expose your brokenness

You can’t have real intimacy without vulnerability

  • In intimacy you feel safe

Brokenness can stop you from being vulnerable enough to have a real relationship.

Sharing Yourself

The number one complaint that women have to the psychiatrist about husbands is not that they’re irresponsible or that they are bad lovers.

  •  It is that he no longer shares himself.

When she asks you how was your day she is not seeking information she is seeking intimacy.

-- Pastor Bryan

“When a woman feels that she can’t get inside of her mate that is the loneliest feeling in the world.”

Brokenness Review

We’re All Broken

We all have things that God needs to heal in our lives.

Not just sin

Fear of

  • Abandonment
  • Failure        
  • Rejection
  • Public humiliation
  • Death  

We try to medicate the pain with

  • Alcohol
  • Cocaine
  • Pornography
  • Drugs
  • Ice cream
  • Shopping
  • Sex
  • Gym
  • Social media
  • Video games

Brokenness Impacts Your Christianity

Brokenness keep you from

  • Trusting God  (faith)
  • Accepting the love of God
  • Having your identity in Christ

Wounded people cannot truly worship.

Hurting people hurt people.  

Wounded people live in the past.

Signs of Brokenness

  • Seeking approval from others
  • Not authentic
  • Lying
  • Contempt
  • Negative assumptions
  • Complacency
  • Being judgmental
  • Ungratefulness
  • Irrational Fear
  • Jealousy & Envy
  • Uncontrollable Anger
  • Failure to forgive
  • Always Complaining  

Which of those traits stood out most to you?

Unhealthy Argument Styles

Ephesians 4:32

32Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

  • Defensiveness
  • Deflecting
  • Criticizing
  • Blaming
  • Stone Walling
  • Condescending
  • Poor listening
  • Harsh Words
  • Name Calling / Labeling


When someone brings up something you did, you assume they are attacking you.  

  • Your first thought is to defend yourselves.
  • You can’t admit you are wrong.  
  • You try to justify your actions.  

Men Get Defensive

Once men get blamed and go into defensive mode there estrogen levels rise.  


Used to distract the other person from their original criticism.

  • to avoid directly refuting or disproving the initial argument


One way that people deflect from their own mistakes is to criticize others.  

  • They try to change the focus to what someone else did wrong.  

Example: Kobe ratted out Shaq


They try to turn the tables by pointing out flaws in the other person's behavior.

Example: caught cheating

  • “I can’t believe you cheated on me!”
  • “You never pay me any attention”

Example:  drank my orange juice        

  • “You drank my orange juice”
  • “You know I like that brand; you should buy the brand you used to get”

Stone Walling

Matthew 5:23-24

23“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

  • Resolving issues and reconciliation is important

This is when someone refuses to engage in a conversation

  • People do this when they are anxious and they would rather avoid it
  • The problem goes unresolved

Women vs Men

When women are emotional and stressed the blood flows to the talking part of the brain.

When men are emotional and stressed the blood flows to the action part of the brain.


The most powerful serotonin producer for women is talking about what is bothering her.  

  • When women get emotional or anxious talking about the issue makes them feel better

When guys get emotional and angry talking about the issue only makes them more stressed and angry.

Handling Stress - Men

When men get excited or tense what they need is to not speak

When men get emotional and stressed they want to take action.

Example: punching the wall


Romans 12:16

16Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

You are the only one who is ever allowed to be right.  Makes everyone else feel stupid and foolish.  

Talks down to everyone

No one else can be right

Invalidating opinions

Jewish proverb:  A wise man can learn from anyone

Poor listening

James 1:19

  19This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;

Everything you say triggers a self-centered story about the other person.  

Waiting for you to stop talking

Active Listening

People often say that what women want is active listening.

·        That you can repeat back what she said.

The research says that what women really want is that you not just hear the words but you understand the emotion that she went through.  

  •  Guys want to filter out the emotions so that they can solve the problem.
  •  But the emotions are what the woman wants you to listen to.        
  •  Guys need to learn to ignore the solution at first and draw out the emotions that she felt at the time.

Harsh Words

James 1:26        

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

  • No degrading language
  • No put downs
  • No swearing
  • No name calling
  • Discuss the issue not the person

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Name Calling / Labelling


  1. “You’re a lier”

Focus on the issue not the person

Healthy Argument Rules

These rules will make your arguments less painful and more manageable

Disagreements are inevitable. It is how you argue that is important. This is where fair fighting rules come in.

  • Ask yourself why you are upset
  • Discuss one issue at a time
  • Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for your feelings
  • Take turns talking
  • Try to reach a compromise
  • No Yelling
  • Call a timeout if things are getting overheated

They teach you how to argue safely without crossing the line in your relationship.

  1. Ask yourself why you are upset
  1. Are you really angry that your partner left mustard on the counter or was it the fact that he doesn’t do housework
  2. The real problem will go unresolved

  1. Discuss one issue at a time
  1. By discussing too many issues the original problem gets buried and nothing gets solved
  2. You don’t have to go over your whole history

  1.  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for your feelings
  1. I feel___When___
  2. I felt worried when you didn’t return my phone call
  3. “you always… “
  1. “You never”

  1. Take turns talking
  1. Don’t think about what you wanna say instead of listening

  1. Try to reach a compromise

  1. No Yelling

  1. Call a timeout if things are getting overheated
  1. Or if rules get broken
  2. Take 15 minutes to do something relaxing to calm down and collect your thoughts

The Goal of Wholeness

Matthew 22: 36-40

36“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37And He said to him, “ ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEARTAND WITH ALL YOUR SOULAND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ 38“This is the great and foremost commandment. 39“The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ 40“On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

  • All of the other laws depend on these two
  • All of the other laws depend on ‘love’


You can’t truly love until you are whole

  • Before that your love will be conditional

1 John 4:7-8

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

We know how to love people ...

  • That love us back
  • That benefits us

Receiving God’s Love

We can’t fully comprehend God’s love for us until we are whole

Seeking approval from others

An over obsession with the opinions of others is evidence that the revelation of God‘s love for you is lacking

  -- Toure Roberts

Knowing that you are loved by God brings peace, joy, security and self worth.

Knowing that you are loved by God brings … wholeness

Instructor: Michael Leadon



Toure Roberts

Fruits of brokenness

Deep wounds, deep healing

Fair fighting rules: how to argue safely in a relationship


Leviticus 19:18

18‘You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD.

Romans 8:29

29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

  • He wants to conform us to the image of Jesus

Proverbs 10:19        

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Another Sign of Brokenness

Escalating vengeance

Romans 12:17-19

 17Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

Try to get revenge and retaliation after someone has hurt you.

  • I’m not going to let you do that to me and get away with it.  
  • Tit for tat; back and forth

Example: killed for step on tennis shoes

No comments:

Post a Comment