How do we restore relationships
Resolving Conflict and Reconciliation
Outline:
- Introduction
- Defining Wholeness
- Why We Have Conflict
- Being a Peacemaker
- Addressing Conflict
- Strategies for Addressing Conflict
- Leave Your Gift at the Altar: Reconciliation
- Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
- How to Reconcile
- The Ministry of Reconciliation
Scriptures:
- Matthew 18:15
- Romans 12:18
- Proverbs 12:18
- Proverbs 14:29
- Proverbs 18:13
- Philippians 2:4
- Matthew 5:21-24
- James 1:5
- Matthew 7:3-5
- Proverbs 18:19
- Proverbs 15:1
- Proverbs 18:2
- Philippians 2:3-5
- 2 Corinthians 5:17-20
Introduction
United States spends $24 billion a year on work and family conflict
–Charles Irvine is an Expert in strategic conflict resolution
The number one determiner of success in a marriage is the ability to resolve conflict
—Rick Warren
Matthew 18:15
15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Regardless of what we think of conflict, resolving conflict is an important skill that we need in order to navigate through life effectively.
You have to know how to resolve conflict
- In romantic relationships
- Family
- Work
- Church
- Neighbors
Lyric: you got to know when to hold them
But nobody taught you how to do it.
There are cultural differences in resolving conflict.
- Some cultures teach you to avoid conflict while others embrace it.
- In some cultures it’s rude to say “no”.
We’ll look at the biblical approach to conflict
We will look at both sides of conflict
- Addressing issues
- Restoring relationships
Defining Wholeness
Wholeness is about being _______ healthy
- spiritually
- emotionally
- mentally
Free from oppression of
- Our past
- Bad thinking
- Strongholds
- The enemy
We’re talking about
- dealing with life’s current stresses
- being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re promised eternal life
- We’re also supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Through this 4 year series we have identified traits that we defined as the goal for wholeness
Traits of Wholeness
- Authenticity
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Optimism
- Confidence
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict with truth and love
- Vulnerability
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
- You care about how others feel
- Patient
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate without antagonizing others
- Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
- Slow to anger
- Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
- Can listen without reacting
- Can respect others without having to change them
- Can function well… Alone or with others
- Able to take responsibility for our own destiny in life
- Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of anxiety and stress
- Able to ask for what they need want or prefer clearly, directly and honestly
- Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
- Being led by the Spirit
Why We Have Conflict
Root of conflict
- Limited resources
- Time, money, property
- Unmet needs or expectations
- Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
- Different values
values = “shoulds“
- You should do this
- They should think this way
- You shouldn’t wear that
Balance
We need a balance between
- Our emotions
- Logic
- Empathy
emotions help us identify:
- our values
- things that need to change
Logic helps us:
- identify the root of the conflict
- address the challenges
empathy helps us:
- understand how others are affected
- validate them for feeling that way
Our feelings and perceptions are just as tangible as reality when it comes to conflict
It is almost impossible to be neutral in your own conflicts
Being a Peacemaker
Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.
Overlooking an Offense
Example
- Traffic
- Grocery store
- In line at Starbucks
Example: Jesus heard someone thinking
- “He’s got on some ugly sandals”
If the relationship matters you will need to address the issues.
- Otherwise… Pursue peace.
If I’m at peace with me and with God small things don’t upset me
If you can overlook it you should
- If you can’t overlook it you need to have the conversation
- If you continue to think about it you have not overlooked it
If you bring it up when you finally get mad then you didn’t overlook it
Ignoring Conflict: False Peacemakers
When, out of fear, we avoid conflict… We become false peacemakers
Examples
If you don’t say something when your spouse is coming home late from work because you want to be like Christ, but you can give them the cold shoulder… You are a false peacemaker
Someone asked you to marry them but you aren’t completely decided...but you say yes to avoid embarrassing them
Not telling someone how their behavior is killing your relationship because they have had a tough life
True peacemaking doesn’t happen by saying what is wrong is right
Peacemaker vs Peacekeeper
Example: Russia attacks the Ukraine
- Keeping peace doesn’t mean you let them take the country
- You have to initiate peace talks
Peacemaking is not always letting the other person get their way
Importance of Addressing Conflict With Your Spouse
https://www.instagram.com/p/CeKAVAjM3cH/
Addressing Conflict
When you don’t resolve your conflicts you’re putting thin layers of resentment between you and the other person
Conflict is Necessary
Conflict is not a bad thing
if you don’t have conflict… You don’t have a real relationship
Hard conversations are not fun… But they are not optional either
If you fight all the time it might mean that you haven’t learned how to resolve conflict
You Need to Address Repeating Issues
Time Won’t Fix It
It gets worse
“Time heals some wounds…others need to be treated”
You wouldn’t need to go see a doctor you could just sit in the waiting room
Problems With Not Addressing the Issue
- Hiding our vulnerability
- Prevents reconciliation
Strategies for Addressing Conflict
Make the First Move
Conflict is never resolved accidentally
The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it
Why don’t we do it…fear
Start With Affirmation
Begin conversation with affirmation
If you start a conversation threatening or negative it will end badly according to research
- The first 3 minutes of the conversation dictate the outcome
Your Energy
Your energy and emotions are contagious
- Feelings
- Mood
- Attitude
If you come at the person negatively and threatening they will close up and there is no way that you can influence them
Communicate Your Complaints and Feelings without fixed Judgments or Interpretations
- Complaining is talking about me and my feelings
- Criticizing is talking about you and your behavior
Don’t try to interpret it or tell them what their motive was
- you don’t know their heart only they do
Example: don’t say “ you don’t care about anybody but yourself“
We get defensive when someone to accuses us
Specific complaint
“You told me you would take out the trash and you didn’t.“
- That makes me feel stressed out because I have a lot to do.
- That also violates my trust because you didn’t do what you said you’d do.
Not Global Complaints
- You never do anything around here.
- All responsibility is always on me
- You take advantage of me all the time.
Practical Steps
- express what you noticed
- share your feelings
- state your need
Speak the Truth in Love
Proverbs 12:18
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
“I just tell it like it is“
- … That’s called being rude
If you say it offensively… It will be received offensively
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive
Truth without love is resisted
Fix the problem, not the blame
The goal shouldn’t be to assign the blame on them
Attack the issue… Not the person
- Realize you are both on the same team
Be Slow to Anger
Proverbs 14:29
29 A patient man has great understanding,
but a quick-tempered man promotes folly.
Don’t be easily Irritated
Listen to Them
Proverbs 18:13
13One who gives an answer before he hears,
It is foolishness and shame to him.
A good listener makes the other person feel heard
As the listener… Put your own agenda on hold.
Reflect What They Say
Reflect the other person‘s words back to him or her.
Either
- paraphrase in a way that the other person agrees is accurate
- Use his or her own words
When it appears that the speaker is done… Ask is there more
Validation phrases
- That makes sense
- I can see that because…
- I can understand that because…
- That’s a good point
- That’s true
Remember They’re in Fight or Flight
Our amygdala reacts to emotional cues as if they were current and present danger
Reconsider what you said or are planning to say
Realize the other person will filter through their non-logical brain
What can be misconstrued?
Seek Win/Win
Philippians 2:4
do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
It is not just about you… It is about them as well
Address the Elephant in the Room
Is there something important or true that needs to be said, but it is too uncomfortable?
We don’t like to say something that seems unkind
Leave Your Gift at the Altar: Reconciliation
Matthew 5:21-24
21 “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MURDER,’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be answerable to the court.’[krísis] 22 “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court [synedrion]; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. 23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
<> The context of the reconciliation is based on you having said something out of anger. The main point is that how you respond to anger matters, and there are different levels of responses. Some responses are worse than others.
- This is all about anger
- Angry words > Court > prison/hell
- Reconcile to prevent
Based On Your Response to Anger
krísis
the college of judges (a tribunal of seven men in the several cities of Palestine; as distinguished from the Sanhedrin, which had its seat at Jerusalem)
Levels of punishment
- Murder = court
- Anger = court -
- “You good-for-nothing” [rhakah] = supreme court = synedrion
- “You fool” [mōros] = hell = Gehenna
There are different levels of responses to anger based on your actions/words
- Not why you are angry
- No “righteous anger”
The punishment is based on the harshness of your words
The context here is that you offended someone by saying something in anger
- You know they’re upset by what you said
Importance of Reconciliation
23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
Jewish offering
- You stand at the rail separating you from the priests
- Waiting for the priest to come take your offering
- Priest will slay it an lay it on the altar
Leave before you have given your offering
Horizontal Relationship Before the Vertical
God is prioritizing your horizontal relationships over your vertical relationship with Him
If you have broken horizontal relationships then you have a broken vertical relationship
Don’t Wait For Them to Bring it Up
Initiate the reconciliation
Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
- Forgiveness is erasing the debt
- Reconciliation is restoring the relationship
Forgiveness
Forgiveness means I don’t seek revenge
They don’t owe you
- Money
- An explanation
- An apology
- Gratitude
They don’t need to accept the blame
- Don’t have to own up to the part
I don’t need you to see it from my perspective
If your forgiveness has conditions you haven’t forgiven yet
Reconciliation
the restoration of friendly relations
We are always supposed to forgive everyone
It’s not only if the victim is willing to reconcile
It is not always possible to reconcile
You can have forgiveness without reconciliation
How to Reconcile
Ask God for wisdom
James 1:5
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
Focus on reconciliation, not resolution
Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship
You may not be back together but you are at peace with each other
Resolution means we resolve every disagreement
We can walk hand to hand without seeing eye to eye
Do Your Part
Reconciliation may not happen but as long as you move towards them you have done your part
Choose the Right Time
Find a time that works for them too
- Not when they are tired
- Not in a public spot
Begin with what’s my Fault
Matthew 7:3-5
3 “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? 5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye!
- This is an exaggeration to make a point
It might be 99% their fault, but you can find something that was your mistake
- Your poor response
- Your defensiveness
Don’t accuse, attack, or blame
We all have weaknesses that we don’t see
Example: don’t say “I’m sorry you took it that way”
False Attribution Error
https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkxobh1ubpMfO199QmvXXu9PYt2gS5bdRbI?si=4Dm10dSwGG2mq0gh
Avoid Any Offensive Language
Proverbs 18:19
A brother who is offended is harder to be won than a strong city, And quarrels are like the bars of a citadel.
Don’t Respond Harshly
Proverbs 15:1
1A gentle answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
People get mad when they feel
- not listen to
- Abused
- Slighted
- Embarrassed
- Robbed of their dignity
- not being paid attention to
- not being valued
Seek to understand before seeking to be understood
Proverbs 18:2
2A fool does not delight in understanding,
But in revealing his own mind.
Listen for their heart and perspective
Was is a threat to their :
- Pride / ego
- security/safety
- respect
- status
- reputation
- intelligence
- Ideology (politics, freedom, race, gender, abortion, food, …)
The more you understand people the more patient you will be
Don’t Dismiss Their Fears
We should be considerate of the doubts and fears of others
My fears are perfectly rational and entirely normal.
Your fears are stupid.
- They’re irrational.
- They don’t make sense.
Don’t Be Self-Centered
Philippians 2:3-5
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
The Ministry of Reconciliation
2 Corinthians 5:17-20
17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, this person is a new creation; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 18 Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their wrongdoings against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
- We had been at enmity with God
- now atoned (at-oned) and reconciled.
- originating with the Father and accomplished by the mediation of the Son.
God made the effort to reconcile with us
Sin created enmity between God and man.
- God figured out a way to reconcile the relationship.
God reconcile the friendship that he had with man before sin entered the world
The message is “be reconciled to God“
We are now “Messengers of Reconciliation”
Our mission is not just to reconcile our own relationships, but to help others be reconciled with God
As we preach the gospel, we are preaching about how God made the effort to reconcile us back to Himself. This is the ministry of reconciliation.
Seeing how God forgave us for our past and future sins and still chose to reconcile with us should encourage us to reconcile with those who we have disagreements with
References
Reconciliation
-- Extra --
Path to Avoiding Conflict
Checking out assumptions
Our assumptions are misrepresentation of reality
you leave the window open for believing a lie
We shouldn’t take on the role of judges for others
sometimes… We think we know what they’re thinking
- … So we are weird towards them
- … So they think we think…
Clarify Your Assumption
Tell the person you want to check out an assumption that you think they are making
Ask
Do I have permission to check out an assumption I am making
- I think you think…
- I assume you are thinking…
Is this correct?
We don’t want people to think we are silly
It often has nothing to do with you at all
Because we don’t want to confront the person…we go to somebody else… And make the problem worse
Voice Unspoken Expectations
We expect other people to know what we want before we say it… Especially if they are invested in the relationship
Examples
Of course you are coming to the family event… We are important to you aren’t we?
I never knew the job involved all of that… You never told me
My adult son should know that I need him to come over and fix things. I shouldn’t have to ask.
I expected that a good marriage just happened naturally
I’m the only one caring for my aging parents… My siblings expect me to do everything.
If she really cared about me… She would call me
In a good church everyone should be friendly and supportive when someone is hurting
Expectations are only valid and they have been mutually communicated
Expectations need to be
- Conscious
- Realistic
- Spoken
- Agreed-upon
Become Aware of Your Triggers
An emotional trigger is an intense reaction to something in the present that reminds us, consciously or unconsciously, of an event in our history
We haven’t healed from a wound from the past
We end up treating someone with who we are in a relationship now as if they were someone from the past.
Examples
Tom’s wife wanted to go away for the weekend with her girlfriends.
- Tom got upset
- It reminded him of early feelings of his parent’s emotional unavailability
Theresa’s husband was watching television instead of parenting her children
- she gets very angry
- She attacks and belittles him
- unconsciously it reminds her of her father that left her when she was seven years old.
- leaving her and her mom to fend for themselves.
Establish Rules of Fair Play
In a relationship you need to establish ground rules of “fair communication“.
- You need to take some words and say that they are off-limit
- “Divorce”
Example: during the cold war we agreed that certain weapons were off limits
- No WMDs
- You know what words will push their buttons
Be Angry But Don’t Sin
Ephesians 4:25-27
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
- Neighbor - not just romantic relationships
Anger isn’t a sin
Don’t let your anger cause you to sin
Don't Let What They Did Control Your Response
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CdoCQhhJMZH
Don’t stay angry
26 Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
Staying angry too long will make you susceptible to sin
It’s not just explosive anger that hurts relationships.
- staying angry long after the event has happened
3 Types of Anger
- Silent treatment (passive aggressive)
- Stuffing
Today’s Anger
Today’s Anger is manageable
… Yesterday's anger is dangerous and toxic
“Live in the moment”
Matthew 6:34
34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
We are designed for anger to come in and out.
- If anger stays it is corrosive.
Don’t Give the Devil a Foothold
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
When you go to bed angry you give the devil a foothold
- Is this the right person
- angry at them for things they haven’t done yet
- You become angry for things you were supposed to have forgiven already
- You create motives
- When you start to imagine a movie in your head… The devil is in control of that movie
Have you ever got mad at someone because of a dream?
anger is the most destructive force in marriage
–Rick Warren
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