~~Watch the Video~~
Outline:
- Introduction
- Traits of Wholeness
- The Role of a Parent
- Our Parents Influenced How We See the World
- What is Forgiving?
- Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
- Why You Should Forgive
- Barriers to Forgiveness
- Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships
- You Are the One Best Suited to Heal the Damage
- How to Forgive?
- An Example of Forgiving
- Core Takeaway
- Forgiving You Parents Exercise
Scriptures:
- Ephesians 6:2-3
- Proverbs 22:6
- Matthew 18:23-35
- Ephesians 4:26-27
- Proverbs 25:21-22
- Matthew 6:14-15
- Colossians 3:12-13
- 1 Peter 2:21-23
Introduction
Ephesians 6:2-3
2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 SO THAT IT MAY TURN OUT WELL FOR YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.
Many of us had parents who weren’t worthy of honor
We were failed by our parents in one way or another
God is asking us to honor our parents
- With no conditions
Many of us haven’t forgiven our mother or father
We think that forgiveness is for them… But it is really for us
There are negative consequences in our lives for not forgiving our parents
- Our relationships
- Our character
- Our relationship with God
The problem is…it’s not that easy
Traits of Wholeness
We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness
How can we be:
- Spiritually healthy
- Emotionally healthy
- Mentally healthy
Free from oppression of
- Our past
- Ourself
- Bad thinking
- Strongholds
- The enemy
We’re talking about
- dealing with life’s current stresses
- being healed from experiences/wounds of the past
We’re not just promised eternal life
- We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth
Traits of Wholeness
- Authenticity
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Not seeking external approval / validation
- Living by values and principles
- Setting Boundaries
- Taking ownership of your responsibilities
- Living with purpose and passion
- Optimism
- Confidence
- Healthy relationships with others
- Not losing control of your emotions
- Free from addictions
- Addressing Conflict with truth and love
- Vulnerability
- Not critical or Judgemental
- Not jealous of others
- Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
- Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
- Not afraid to fail
- Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
- Selfless encounters with others
- Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
- You care about how others feel
- Patient
- Don’t give into peer/social pressure
- Can communicate directly
- Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
- Take responsibility for your own emotions
- Slow to anger
- Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
- Being led by the Spirit
The Role of a Parent
The damage done by bad parenting impacts
- how you interact with the world
- your relationships
- Your suffering
Proverbs 22:6
6Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he grows older he will not abandon it.
- If you train a child a certain way… He won’t abandon it when he gets older
The parent has the ability to raise a child in a way that will ensure his behavior as an adult
- But we were never taught how
- Many never saw it modeled
What is the role of a parent?
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxzTTyg_j5wWgHL7kUs3nMx9QGSXF1iiau?si=wVkCGwv_ZH1DMT4V
Parents responsibilities
- Create a sense of safety
- Nurture
- To equip
- Encourage
Making sure that the child feels that they have the tools that they need to interact with the world get out of the world what they are seeking
Safety
Feel like they aren’t constantly in threat
Learned Anxiety
Example: Scared of Dogs
- anxiety
A child responds to the mother’s facial responses
Nurture
Awareness of Needs
When you don’t experience nurture it is hard to have an awareness of your own needs
- It is hard to distinguish between a healthy and an unhealthy environment
- This can result in A series of relationships that just fail out of the blue
Example: pulling dog's tail
Example: Toddlers aren’t aware that they shouldn’t pull the dogs tail
- I guess dogs aren’t safe
- Dogs don’t like me
- They come to conclusions that are true, but they needed some coaching to tell them not to pull the dogs tail
Most of the time there were signals along the way they will let you know if there’s a situation is safe and trustworthy
It is the parents job to raise their awareness and help them look for trustworthiness and reliability
Unaware of your own emotional needs
Because of the type of relationship you had with your parent you may be unaware of you emotional needs
For example, if you had to help regulate their emotional needs
- “Don’t be sad mommy”
This causes suffering
You experience suffering because you didn’t have the tools to contend with the things you needed to in the world
Encouragement
Encouragement is an indwelt sense of autonomy
Response to Failure
If they fail to learn how to adjust their course and not feel defeated
- Instead of feeling that there’s something insufficient in them that is a irreparable
A child should
- Have their needs met
- Feel nurtured
- And not feeling like they are in constant threat
Our Parents Influenced How We See the World
Our Parents Gave Us Our Identity
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxN3PrsD9pV-EFM2zSa2Q_rY0TqhARD6Pz
Our Identity
We formulate our identity based off of what our parents thought about us
- The things that we saw and heard reflected back are the building blocks for what we saw of ourselves
- You may have got encouragement and positivity
- You may have learned that you were irritating and an interruption
“You are a leader”
“You’re so stupid”
Our World View
This is also how we got our view of the world- An arbitrary place full of betrayal and suffering
- cynical
- We expect betrayal and suffering I feel that it is futile
- Some parents believe that if you dealt with your problems nobly that there could be flourishing
This impacts who we are and how we deal with suffering
Some people pitch forgiveness is pretending that those wounds didn’t matter
- The reality is that those rooms mattered the most
Earning Love
If a child feels the need to earn their parents love… They may enter a relationship where they feel the need to earn their partners love
Reasons Parents Fall Short
- They can’t read the children’s minds… They don’t know their needs
- They were focused on a goal…
- Get good grades
- go to college
- Do good in baseball
- In a hurry
- Irritable
- Tired
- Distracted
- They are going through their own suffering
- Parental health crisis
- Sibling was going through crisis
- Knowingly doesn’t attend to child’s needs
- Seeking and her own comfort or pleasure
- Avoiding own pain (drug, serial dating, drinking, partying)
- Taking delight and tormenting or abusing their children
What is Forgiving?
Forgiving is not
- Pretending that it never happened
- Forgetting what the person did
- Trusting them
- Letting them back in your life
Loaned Jacket Example
I borrow your jacket
It gets stolen
Forgiveness is the question of what to do about the $200
- I could buy you a new one
- I could give you money
If you chose to buy another one that is forgiveness
If you forgave me…you shouldn’t bring up the jacket out of the blue
If I asks to borrow it again and you say no because you don’t trust me...that’s a separate issue
Forgiveness is not necessarily
- Reconciliation
- Restored relationship
Forgiveness means
- you no longer get angry when you think about it
- They don’t owe you anything
Forgiveness does not mean that I need to help you miss treat me
- You need to get out of harms way first
- You can forgive and still set boundaries
Forgiving Doesn’t Have Demands on the Person
If they still need to do something in order for you to forgive…you haven’t forgiven
- Apologize
- Admit they did it
- Take the blame
- See it from your perspective
Forgiveness is not for sale - Creflo Dollar
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cvklz8Lokr4/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Matthew 18:23-35
23 “For this reason the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves. 24 “And when he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 “But since he did not have the means to repay, his master commanded that he be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment be made. 26 “So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27 “And the master of that slave felt compassion, and he released him and forgave him the debt. 28 “But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe!’ 29 “So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30 “But he was unwilling, and went and threw him in prison until he would pay back what was owed. 31 “So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their master all that had happened. 32 “Then summoning him, his master said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 ‘Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34 “And his master, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he would repay all that was owed him. 35 “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”
The Kingdom of God is also referred to as the “now and not yet”
- Part of it arrived with Jesus and is here now
- Part of it is future
Jesus spoke mostly of that which is here now on earth
- “Righteousness, joy peace in the Holy Spirit”
This is not warning of a future “hell”
Who is the torturer?
- Satan
When does God turn you over to him?
- When you don’t forgive
- He gives Satan permission
- Removes the hedge of protection
Ephesians 4:26-27
26 BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.
- Anger is not a sin
- Still being angry when the sun comes up is the sin
- Your anger can turn into unforgiveness
- That will give the devil an opportunity
When you hold unforgiveness in your heart… Is when you give opportunity to the devil
- Every time you think about the person in the act… You give opportunity to the devil
God allows the devil to take the opportunity that you give him if you haven’t forgiven
Satan keeps bringing the painful issue to your remembrance
The memory holds you in bondage
If we don’t forgive… Satan will come and torture you with a memory of what the other person did
Emotional Triggers
We get tortured when
- Somebody says or does something similar
- It triggers us
- We remember that event
Example: your spouse is late coming from work
- You haven’t forgiven your ex for cheating on you
Why You Should Forgive
You Get Rewarded for Forgiving
Proverbs 25:21-22
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; 22 For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the LORD will reward you.
- You get blessed when you return good for evil
Unforgiveness Affects Your Character
You become whoever you are angry at
- You take on their identity
Once your truly forgive the person… The anger is gone
- And you’ll never feel that way again
You become like your mother/father
- If you don’t forgive
It Impacts Your Relationship With God
Matthew 6:14-15
14 “For if you forgive other people for their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 “But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses.
Jesus teaches that an unforgiving heart is an unforgiven heart
– – John piper
You will not enter into the kingdom of heaven within until you forgive her
- It impacts your relationship with a Holy Spirit
- You won’t have righteousness, joy and peace in your life
- I don’t believe this refers to salvation
Forgiving Is For You…Not Them
You forgive for yourself
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuHzfqUgvMo/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
The Pain Goes Away
If you don’t forgive… The pain that you feel when it happened is still there
Barriers to Forgiveness
Justice
We want justice to be done
We are wired to want fairness
Give it to God
“ i’m not gonna be the judge, jury, or executioner anymore“
Let God Settle the Injustice
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxWoBy0WC5XtI6Z6EKxhbf9KPX3JTCPrLl
- who’s ever send you forgive will be forgiven
They don’t deserve it
You're Not forgiving them because they deserve to be forgiven?
- You are forgiving them because you were commanded to by God.
- You are forgiving out of obedience to God
You Deserve It
You heard the saying “time heals all wounds”
- That’s a lie
- Time does not heal if you haven’t forgiven
- You will have exactly the same pain and exactly the same anger
Forgiveness means that they no longer owe you anything
- Including an apology
You are not required to have relationship with people who are treating you the wrong way
- But he does require us to forgive them
- Your forgiveness is not based on them deserving it
—--------------------------------------- video ends here --------------------------------------------------------
Righteous anger
Righteous anger is being angry about the same thing that God would be angry about
- Would Jesus have been angry about it?
Righteous anger that is not forgiven… Is unforgiveness
Ephesians 4:28 in your anger do not sin. Do not let the Sun go down on your anger and give the devil a foothold
There is a time limit on your anger when it becomes unforgiveness
They Owe Me
They don’t owe me anything… They owe God
If They Wouldn’t Have…
We justify our own sins because of someone else’s behavior
- If they wouldn’t have said this I wouldn’t have done that
- If you would’ve pay more attention to me I wouldn’t have cheated
A Need For Them to Acknowledge What They Did Wrong
Some people are caught up wanting their parents to acknowledge what they did
I want my parents to Acknowledge it
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxHhTW3lM2ol1eaYrMO8-ViRN3z2r8qgiN
You are asking your parents to provide safety and encouragement in domains where they failed to provide safety and encouragement
You are asking them to
- Show self-awareness
- Nurture you in an area they may feel the deepest shame
References
How to forgive your mother
Gene Wagstaff
how to forgive your father
Gene Wagstaff
How do I deal with Christian parents who don’t acknowledge that they abused me?
Desiring God
Forgiving your parents
Matthius Jay Barker
How can I forgive my parents for childhood abuse?
Desiring God
Why bad things happen to good people part two
Jean Wagstaff
Finding happiness: how forgive him my mother radically changed my life
Sonja weyers | TEDx talks
Extra
Scriptures
Exodus 20:12
“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the LORD your God gives you.
1 Peter 2:19-21 (NASB20) 19 For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person endures grief when suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. 21 For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in His steps,
Ephesians 5:25-27 (NASB20) 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Leave Your Gift At the Altar
Matthew 5:23-25
23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. 25 “Come to good terms with your accuser quickly, while you are with him on the way to court, so that your accuser will not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will not be thrown into prison.
- God puts more importance on us forgiving each other than he does on worship of himself
I am not to worship God if someone has been offended by me
I need to go to that person and attempt to make it right
It takes a great deal of humility to go to someone asked to be forgiven… When you have done nothing wrong
God doesn’t want the other person to be turned over to the devil and tortured
The goal is not for you to be innocent… The goal is for them to be free
- You don’t need to give a bunch of Excuses why you weren’t in the wrong
- You aren’t focusing on whether you are guilty or not
Scripture does it say whether you have done anything wrong or not
Example: “Jim walked right past me at church this morning“
If you don’t go to him… And every time he thinks about you he’s going to get angry
I love you walking to church and worship every Sunday when your spouse is mad at you
Imagine how different the worship service would be if everyone in church did this
Being Friends With the Kids Isn’t the Goal
Matthew 19: 4-5
4 And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, 5 and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’?
The goal isn’t that you can hang out with your kids when they get grown
The goal is that your kids will have healthy (non-toxic) relationships and successful life in Christ
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