Forgiving Your Father/Mother 3

 How do we honor and forgive parents who have wronged us?

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Outline

• How Do You Honor Your Parents
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review
• What is Forgiving?
• Barriers to Forgiveness
• Reasons to Forgive
• What They Did Had 2 Consequences
• You Can’t Honor Your Parents Unless You Forgive
• Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships
• You Are the One Best Suited to Heal the Damage
• What to Forgive
• How to Forgive
• Forgiving Your Parent(s) For the Past Exercise

Scriptures:

• Ephesians 6:2-3
• Ephesians 4:32
• Proverbs 25:21-22
• Matthew 18:23-35
• Ephesians 4:26 - 28

How Do You Honor Your Parents

Introduction

Ephesians 6:2-3

2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 SO THAT IT MAY TURN OUT WELL FOR YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

How do you honor a parent who was not deserving of honor?

You hurt me, but I still pray for you.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxLgzn4AcGf/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

We prescribe value to the parenting based on

1. Position
2. Relationship

Honor The Position

You need to honor the position of motherhood/fatherhood

• Honor them
• Pray for them
• Wish them well

Honor The Reality of the Relationship

The level of relationship you should have is based on the reality of the relationship you had growing up

If they were good parents they deserve your

• Time
• Help
• Assistance

If they weren’t in your life you don’t have a debt beyond honoring the position

Honoring the reality of the relationship also means letting go of your fantasy of having a perfect parent

Let Go of Your Fantasy Mother

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cxp-ocNLv2n/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be:

• Spiritually healthy
• Emotionally healthy
• Mentally healthy

Free from oppression of

• Our past
• Ourself
• Bad thinking
• Strongholds
• The enemy

We’re talking about

• dealing with life’s current stresses
• being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just promised eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Being led by the Spirit

Review

What is Forgiving?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.

  –Mayo Clinic

What Does it Mean to Forgive?

https://youtu.be/bZGHUyzBxZk

Forgiving is not

• Pretending that it never happened
• Forgetting what the person did
• Trusting them
• Letting them back in your life

Forgiveness is not necessarily

• Reconciliation
• Restored relationship

Forgiveness means

• you no longer get angry when you think about it
• They don’t owe you anything

You can still set boundaries

• Including no contact

Forgiveness does not mean that I need to help you mistreat me

• You need to get out of harm's way first

Forgiving Doesn’t Have Demands on the Person

They shouldn’t need to

• Apologize
• Admit they did it
• Take the blame
• See it from your perspective

Barriers to Forgiveness

What are some reasons that we don’t want to forgive people?

We May Get Hurt Again

Justice

“That’s not fair!!”

• It’s not fair
• And It’s not your fault

We want justice to be done

They don’t deserve it

Righteous anger

Righteous anger is often defined as “being angry about the same thing that God would be angry about”

• We believe that our anger is justified if it is “righteous anger”

Righteous anger that is not forgiven… becomes unforgiveness

Need for an Apology

A Need For Them to Acknowledge What They Did Wrong

Reasons to Forgive

The Bible Instructs Us to Forgive

You're Not forgiving them because they deserve to be forgiven

• You are forgiving out of obedience to God

Consider How much you Were Forgiven

Ephesians 4:32

32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

• The Bible tells us to forgive

“I can’t celebrate being forgiven and seek revenge at the same time”

God Rewards You for Forgiving

Proverbs 25:21-22

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; 22 For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the LORD will reward you.

God reward you when you return good for evil

Unforgiveness Affects Your Character

You can become like whoever you are angry at

• You take on their identity

Hate destroys the hater

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxWCJR_uMyS/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Emotional Triggers

We get tortured when

• Somebody says or does something similar
• We remember that event

If You Have Unforgiveness You Don't Have the Mind of Christ

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxLSEy3QV-TeHNKCISCX1vUSQsUXSCAfYb?si=V_jOe1d3MszsWp7_

To the extent that you have unforgiveness in your heart

• You’re not conformed to the mind of Christ
• Your mind has not been renewed
• You are conformed to the pattern of this earth
• Because every time you get triggered you feel just like you felt at the time you didn’t forgive

Unforgiveness Gives satan access into your life

Parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23-35)

• God turns you over to Satan to be tortured
• The memory holds you in bondage

Ephesians 4:26 - 27 

 26BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.

There is a time limit on (all) anger when it becomes unforgiveness

• Regardless of whether your anger is “righteous“ or not

It Impacts Your Relationship With God

Impacts your obedience

You aren’t being led by the Holy Spirit

Trust that judgment will be done

God will settle the account for you by either:

• Hell
• Christian Grace

Give it to God

“ I’m not gonna be the judge, jury, or executioner anymore“

What They Did Had 2 Consequences

1. The harm done to you
2. Impacts Your current emotional state

What they did

• They don’t deserve forgiveness
• It’s not going to reverse the action
• Why should I let go of the debt?
• Why should I let go of my anger?

Your current Emotional state

• Emotional triggers
• Bitterness
• Not trusting anyone
• Inability to have intimacy

If they said I’m sorry

• If they admitted it…

We want them to make it right

Forgiveness is deciding that I’m going to take my healing upon myself

• I need to be healed
• I don’t need you to heal me

I don’t want to be dependent on them for my healing

The first step to healing your emotional wounds… Is forgiving

You don’t want your healing/obedience to be dependent on them

You Can’t Honor Your Parents Unless You Forgive

It is Impossible to Honor Unless You Forgive

https://youtu.be/z_5OkYUwYd4?si=NWCTvgVPgzBsl2LX&t=306

~5:06 - 6:09

Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships

When you get married your spouse replaces both your mother and your father

You’re Mad at Your Parents Not Your Spouse

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxZYN43XGaBTlbod13QnMOGiDDKmBHsiO1

• Many issues we have in life stem from unforgiveness of parents

most of our emotional triggers initiate from our relationship with our mother and father

Example: Bible study

• 2 People left our bible study
• I Reminded them of their father

Whatever issues you have left over from your mother or father, When someone in a relationship with you says or does something similar to that, you get triggered with the same emotions that you felt when you were a child with your mother and father

• The deception is that you are angry with your spouse

That is a consequence of unforgiveness

Now the memory of what they did causes us to be tortured for the rest of our lives

• If anyone else does something similar he will trigger those emotions over and over again

Once you forgive the parent… the memory is no longer in spiritual jail and you’re no longer tortured

You Are the One Best Suited to Heal the Damage

Grown Kids

Sometimes parents realize they messed up and try to pay back their grown kids

Parents try to equip, train and encourage by being too controlling in their grown child’s life

• Take over your choices
• Control them

The issue is… They are not the one who is best suited to heal the damage that was done…you are

You’re The One Best Suited to Heal the Damage

You’re The One Best Suited to Heal the Damage

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkx9WfZWcCsls_C96dU080-aHlt5TrSeQoz

• …Doesn’t equate to welcoming them in with trust
• Boundaries need to be put in place

When you try to have them fix it you are inviting codependency and criticism

When you hold onto the resentment and the feeling that I need this debt to be paid

• It creates codependent relationships were parents try to control your life
• Can build a desire for vengeance and revenge so you are provoking them

What to Forgive

It’s Based On Your Perception of What They Did Wrong

Forgiveness of your parent is not necessarily based on them actually doing something wrong

It is based on your perception that they did something wrong

We aren’t necessarily forgiving of truth

• We are Forgiving of our perception of truth

Example: Dad was never there

• He was working two jobs
• I need to forgive him for not being there

Forgiveness is very specific

Don’t say:  “I forgive my dad for all the bad things he did in my life“

Forgiving Your Spouse Example

When your wife makes you mad you need to visualize her

• “I forgive you for that tone of voice that you used“
• “I forgive you for wrongly accusing me“
• I forgive you for pointing your finger at me
• I forgive you that you embarrassed me in front of your mom and your dad
• I forgive you that you didn’t respect me and you didn’t honor me
• I forgive you that you didn’t believe me when I told you the truth
• And I release you of this in Jesus name

How to Forgive

Forgiveness Can Be a Continuous Practice

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxXFnQ35Ymk3LysENJ3ieDF0J-DFrua4V3?si=07_zZW2ueDPSBsG1

If You Forgive Them in Person

You don’t have to go to the person to forgive them

• if they didn’t feel that they did anything wrong…It can cause a bigger problem

Don’t Depend on Their Response

You are going to the person to forgive them.

• Not to get a specific reaction from them

• admit blame, apology, thank you, acknowledge wrong

Your only goal is to go there and forgive them

• You are just getting it off your chest
• You shouldn’t be seeking for agreement or apology

Don’t start or sustain a confrontation

You Can Forgive in the Moment

Don't Obey The Emotion

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxZ1ZmzHRfZ6PiyO4wshumwe0yusgk1dY3?si=yGpv8mYtdxLGMVh4

Forgiving Your Parent(s) For the Past Exercise

You have to forgive from the memory of wherever you received the pain

Forgiveness Steps

Make a list of everything you need to forgive them for

Holy spirit bring to their mind anything that was done

• Between the ages of one and six
• 6 - 12
• 12 - 18
• Prom night, first date, dates
• 18 - 25
• College, school, Not help you financially
• For anything that caused the most hurt

—-

If you imagine yourself as the 6 or 7 year old boy/girl and you look at your parent how do you feel

We are forgiving based on what is recorded in our minds as true

Example of Forgiving Your Parents

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxpfuzF8Ib1wUFGot2qY2wtKIBbuw4btlX

Ask the Holy Spirit to take you back to that time in your memory

• Look at them as if you were that little boy or girl
• I forgive you for spanking me so hard that you hurt me
• I forgive you for being unjust with me
• I forgive you that you didn’t come comfort me
• I forgive you that you didn’t ask to be forgiven
• I forgive you that you didn’t say I’m sorry
• I forgive you that I felt like you hated me
• And I release you of that in Jesus name

Make a list of what your mom and dad did wrong

• This will be not necessarily what they did wrong, but what you perceive them doing wrong

The Parental Forgiveness List

We will go through a list, and you can say … “dad/mom I forgive you for that“

Close your eyes and see your father/mother as if you are a child

You won’t relate to all of these

I forgive my dad/mom for…

• I forgive you because, even though you provided for me and was there; I didn’t feel loved by you
• I don’t remember sitting in your lap with your arms around me feeling safe
• You didn’t play with me
• Dress up
• Baseball
• You didn’t help me with
• Schoolwork
• Sports
• Instrument
• You didn’t come to my sports events
• You didn’t come to my music recitals
• How I felt when I looked up and saw the empty seat at the game
• I saw all the other fathers/mothers there
• But I didn’t see you
• You didn’t care
• You didn’t want me in your life
• I was not affirmed by you. You didn’t tell me I did a good job.
• You ignored me
• You were jealous of my relationship with my mom/dad
• I was afraid to talk to them when you are around
• I felt like I was betraying you if I had a relationship with them
• You were an alcoholic
• You used drugs
• I forgive you for how you behaved when you were drunk
• You and mom/dad were always yelling
• That made me terrified and afraid
• When you and mom/dad would fight and yell so loud I had to put my hands over my ears
• You hit mom/dad
• You threatened them
• You pushed them against the wall
• When I wake up in the morning I would wonder if she/he would be dead
• How you reacted when I brought my schoolwork home
• No matter how good my grade was it wasn’t good enough for you
• I felt like you rejected me
• You left us and went to a new family
• And love them more Then you loved us
• You went to their school functions and didn’t come to mine
• You didn’t come back
• You didn’t call me
• You abandoned us
• You didn’t support us
• You didn’t check on us
• On those special holidays there was an empty chair where you used to sit
• Thanksgiving
• Christmas
• Father’s/Mother’s Day was confusing when you were gone
• It’s hard to find a card to give to you on Father’s/Mother’s Day
• I forgot what you look like
• I had to keep looking at a picture to remember you
• I forgot the sound of your voice
• Every time a strange car parked in front of the house… I wondered if it might be you
• Every time someone knocked on the door or ring the doorbell I thought it might be you
• You didn’t come to visit me
• You forgot about me
• That I felt it was my job to take care of dad/mom because you weren’t there
• For the guilt I felt because I couldn’t do it
• I couldn’t take care of the house
• All those nights I cried myself to sleep
• Wondering where you were and why you weren’t with us
• I felt like you loved my siblings more than me
• You bragged on them and affirmed them
• You didn’t bond to me as a child
• I never really felt that I was yours
• You never really made a spiritual or emotional connection with me
• I felt like everybody else and everything else was more important than me
• For all those names you called me
• All the names you call
• Mom/dad
• My brothers
• My sister
• For touching me in ways you shouldn’t
• You exposed your nakedness to me
• And I was confused
• I cried myself to sleep wondering why you didn’t love me
• For allowing others to touch me in ways they shouldn’t and not protecting me
• For not knowing what was going on
• For not asking me what was wrong
• For not noticing the change in me
• that I have become withdrawn and depressed
• That you weren’t safe to talk to
• That I couldn’t come to you with the things that confuse me
• I forgive you that when I came to you you pushed me away
• Other things were more important
• The television
• You sshhhshed me
• I forgive you that you weren’t available
• That you never really made time for me
• Your sports were more important
• Work was more important
• That you wanted to spend time with your friends
• That I was afraid of you
• I was afraid when I heard your car
• When I heard the door open
• That you came home and suddenly you were mad
• That I had to go hide
• That I was afraid that you would find me
• No matter how hard I tried I never seem to be able to please you
• for all those things that you asked me to do that I was too small to do
• That you asked me to do things that you hadn’t taught me how to do
• For punishing me for making mistakes
• Like I had done something wrong on purpose
• For all the times that you said “you should’ve known“
• But you never taught me
• I forgive you for the injustice of that
• I had so much anxiety and fear around you that I did it wrong
• That I don’t have good memories like running and jumping into your arms when you came home
• That I don’t have good memories of you being excited to see me and your eyes sparkling
• I don’t have a memory of you look at me in the eye and telling me that you love me
• That I was special
• You were proud of me
• I never felt like you cared about me
• That you never celebrated my birthday
• As if you weren’t glad I am on this earth
• I feel like you would love me more if I had been a different sex
• You made me feel like I was a mistake
• And I shouldn’t have been born
• That I wanted somebody else to be my daddy/mommy
• That I was envious of my friends for having the parent that they had
• I forgive you that you didn’t play with me
• Or interact with me
• you made me feel like I was invisible to you
• That you didn’t say my prayers with me at night
• that you didn’t talk to me about Jesus
• I was afraid of you coming into my room
• When you walked into my room I would  panic wondering what I had done wrong
• I never felt safe with you
• That you weren’t there when I needed you
• That you never understood me or accepted me for who I am
• All I ever got was your leftovers
• I felt expendable to you
• accusing me of lying
• You broke your promise to me… Often
• You didn’t come when you said you would come
• You didn’t visit when you said you would visit
• You didn’t
• Send a card
• Sent a letter
• Send a present
• I wasn’t a priority for you
• Making me feel like I was a burden to you
• for blaming me for the problems between you and mom/dad
• I felt like I was the one that had to fix you guys
• I had to be intermediary
• I had to comfort you guys to make it OK
• I had to grow up too fast and I lost my childhood
• I was always thinking about what I could do to make mom/dad feel better
• That I wasn’t allowed to say no to you
• For that certain look you would give me and I knew I was in trouble
• For that voice tone
• For all those times you embarrassed me over and over and over
• That I couldn’t have friends at our home because of how you reacted
• That our home was in such chaos and disorder that I felt embarrassed to invite anybody over
• That when I did invite kids over you made fun of them and teased them
• You teased me and embarrassed me
• I lost so many friends because of you
• they never wanted to come to our house and play
• That deep down inside you taught me… To hate you
• For the empty seat in the living room
• That it was just never the same after you left
• That the house just seemed empty
• That I didn’t hear your voice anymore
• that it was worse than if you had died because I knew you were still alive but you weren’t in my life
• For all the nights I cried myself to sleep
• Wondering why you didn’t want me
• What was wrong with me
• Why was I so defective that you didn’t want me
• For the hours I would lie in bed at night wondering about this
• I forgive you for how I feel when I see other mothers/father interacting with their children
• I forgive you when you left me alone and went to parties
• Left me all by myself
• When you came back you would look for stuff in the house that I didn’t do that needed to be done
• How you would be so angry
• That I loved you and hate you at the same time
• All the times I felt invisible
• When I wanted to talk to you you were in the kitchen and you sshhd me away
• Forgive you that I couldn’t interrupt you when you were on the phone
• That I could not get your attention
• That what I had to say to you was not important to you
• that you didn’t teach me the things that I needed to know
• how to make my bed
• how to cook
• the things adults need to do
• about finances
• about life
• That you didn’t set a good example
• As a mother… As a wife
• A father…a husband
• A person
• That you never read stories to me or sung lullabies
• That bedtime was not a safe time
• For calling me those names
• Stupid
• Dummy
• Worthless
• For those times that I came home and there was nobody there
• There was nothing to eat
• That you were out
• That you didn’t care
• That I couldn’t talk to you about things that were on my mind
• That you didn’t have time to listen
• All the times you told me that I shouldn’t feel that way
• That something was wrong with me
• For all the broken promises
• Times that you said you would do things and we didn’t
• Places you said we would go and we never went
• For all the times you said we play and we didn’t
• I forgive you that you didn’t spend special time with me
• You never grew up emotionally
• You still act like a child
• that I did not want to grow up to be like you
• I want it to be the opposite of you
• That there was nothing to brag about you
• There was nothing honorable about you
• You weren’t respectable
• When I think about you there isn’t a warm fuzzy feeling there
• That you never talk to me about who you are
• That we were strangers when I was a child
• That we still are
• That you really don’t know who I am
• If we talk I have to be the one to call
• If we visit I have to come see you
• Even though you don’t call you are angry and complain if I don’t
• When we go to see you it is so awkward
• The children don’t know how to behave around you
• That they have to be afraid to act like children around you
• Because you will be bothered
• You are not a grandfather/grandmother to your grandkids
• You aren’t in their lives
• We are not a family
• How awkward it is when you come to visit you
• that you died before making any of this right

Holy spirit bring to their mind whatever is not on this list

You Are Now Forgiven For the Unforgiveness You Used to Have

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxV6epBjnXsi62h2_LiHPhaeus0YcLernv

Instructor:  Michael Leadon

References

How to forgive your mother

Gene Wagstaff

how to forgive your father

Gene Wagstaff

Forgiving your parents

Matthius Jay Barker

Why bad things happen to good people part two

Gene Wagstaff

Finding happiness: how forgive him my mother radically changed my life

Sonja weyers | TEDx talks

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

How to hear God more clearly

Gene Wagstaff

Extra

Scriptures

Exodus 20:12

“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the LORD your God gives you.

Proverbs 22:6

6Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he grows older he will not abandon it.

1 Peter 2:18-20 

18 Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person endures grief when suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.

1 Peter 2:21-23

21 For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in His steps, 22 HE WHO COMMITTED NO sin, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT found IN HIS MOUTH; 23 and while being abusively insulted, He did not insult in return; while suffering, He did not threaten, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;

Ephesians 5:25-27

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

You Are Forgiven in the Name of Jesus

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxnHi7vGafhNkc7s77WuDsVerl2ZOvSe90

How to Forgive in Person - Jesse Peterson

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxOoIF3oErdRhDTZWFoz8FmbF-AMSfop7D?si=jk_4u7FpwOhBuQyH

Misc

Rotten fruit Falls by itself

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwnCA_csY_T/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Dwyane Wade thinking his father

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwIdZ7vpB9C/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==