Dealing With Grief

 

How do we handle when we lose someone or something we love

~~Watch the Video~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Jesus Didn’t Come When They Needed Him
• Lazarus Died
• What is Grief?
• Stages of Grief
• Natural Responses to Loss
• When We Lose a Loved One
• How Do We Grieve?
• When God Doesn’t Do What We Want
• Even Though He Didn’t
• How to Interact With Someone Who is Grieving
• Prison or a Portal

Scriptures:

• 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
• John 11:11-16
• Deuteronomy 34: 7-8
• Romans 12:15
• John 19:26-27
• 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
• John 11:21-24
• John 11:25-27
• Job 2:12-13

Introduction

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

13Brothers, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who are without hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, we also believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him.

We’re just coming out of a pandemic.

Many of us lost someone we loved in the past few years.

• Over 1 million

Why would God do this?

She was such a good person.

Today we’re going to discuss grief.

Grief is a natural human response to loss

• Some people get emotional
• Some people get numb.

There is no magic bullet to make the pain go away.  

Sometimes it helps just to know that something is normal

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be:

• Spiritually healthy
• Emotionally healthy
• Mentally healthy

Free from oppression of

• Our past
• Ourself
• Bad thinking
• Strongholds
• The enemy

We’re talking about

• dealing with life’s current stresses
• being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Being led by the Spirit

Jesus Didn’t Come When They Needed Him

Disappointment and Discouragement Review

• Last lesson Lazarus got up
• This lesson, sometimes Lazarus doesn’t come back to life

Muslims Believe Jesus Raised Lazarus From the Dead

Al-Eizariya is a large, bustling town  [in Palestine] which takes its name from the biblical Lazarus, whose tomb is located underneath a church here. It was here, in what was known as Bethany, that Jesus is said to have raised Lazarus back to life four days after his death.

• Wikipedia

God speaking to Jesus (Quron)

"And thou healest those born blind, and the lepers, by my leave. And behold! Thou bringest forth the dead by my leave". Surah 5.113

Lazarus is Sick

John 11:1-6

1 Now a certain man was sick: Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 And it was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. 3 So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, “Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick.” 4 But when Jesus heard this, He said, “This sickness is not meant for death, but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.” 5 (Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister, and Lazarus.) 6 So when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was.

Sometimes Jesus Doesn’t Come Right Away

Relationships

I’m off the market

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR7mDtBq/

God doesn’t always work on our time table

Hindsight is 20/20

4 …He said, “This sickness is not meant for death, but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.”

• Jesus knew the plan

2 And it was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair,

• This happens in the next Chapter
• John wrote this knowing how the story would end

Sometimes we realize later that God had a plan when we thought it was a bad thing

• God worked it for good

When God had a better plan - cartoon

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cp5bVJ8MLEA/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Sometimes God is late on purpose

• God gets the glory

It Could Only Be God

• Jesus waited 4 days because they thought up until 3 days the soul could return

Some of the things you go through are to give you a testimony

• You are supposed to share your testimony

Disappointment is God Ordering Your Steps

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR7ttoaq/

review

• Some promises are based on potential

Actions: When Disappointed

1. Never forget how much God loves me
2. Never fake it. Be who I am
3. Remember that it’s not about me
4. Live Within Your Limitations
5. Take time to renew yourself
6. Stay focused on eternity
7. Remember Others Have it Worse

Your Disappointment Was For Your Development - Toure

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CqAEcZtgXTb/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Lazarus Died

John 11:11-16

11 This He said, and after this He said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going so that I may awaken him from sleep.” 12 The disciples then said to Him, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will come out of it.” 13 Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was speaking about actual sleep. 14 So Jesus then said to them plainly, “Lazarus died, 15 and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let’s go to him.”   16 Then Thomas called Didymus said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, so that we may die with Him.”

Filter through our belief / understanding

• Fallen asleep

Example: jump over the building and get the car

Ride or Die (Thomas)

• Thomas trusted Jesus even though he had a misunderstanding

Didymus (Twin): Thomas had the most to lose

Thomas doubted His power, but He was all in

Jesus Didn’t Come When We Needed Him

Some of us prayed and Jesus never answered

• We asked… And nothing changed
• We asked… And we didn’t receive
• We cried… And it never worked
• We told the mountain … “move”

Why Didn’t You Answer My Prayer God?

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkxn0ik3b0u4rLtu9B6pPaEXlcUoaXAOjaG

Many of us have lost loved ones

• Due to age
• Cancer
• Covid

Many experienced:

• Lost job
• Lost dreams
• Divorce
• Someone cheated
• Infertility

For some of us … Jesus didn’t come

We’re left grieving

What is Grief?

What is grief?

Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. Grief is not limited to the loss of people.

Grief is a label assigned to all of the emotions associated with dealing with any kind of loss

• Physical (Things, abilities, freedoms)
• Self-concept (roles, values, labels)
• Dreams (how things should be)
• Social (loss of relationships…)
• Worldview (innocence, safety)

Physical

Losing your mothers wedding room ring

Getting older

Shelter in place

Self concept

Loss of role

• Becoming an empty nester
• Lose your job
• Divorced

No longer a “4 star general”

Example: the good old days

• old men talking about their high school football accomplishments

Dreams

• Too old for kids
• Dropped out of college
• Couldn’t get into the career of your dreams

Social

We lose relationships

• Spouse
• Parent
• Loved ones
• Lose best friends
• Break up

When you move or go to a new company

• Military

Worldview

When we are victimized

When things happen that we feel powerless against

Lost Innocence

• You thought the world was a safe place if something happened and now you have to come to the grips you were wrong
• You thought everyone was good and benevolent

View of God

You thought God worked a certain way…but He didn’t

Grieving Someone Living

Anticipatory grief: terminally ill

Ambiguous Grief: They are a different person (e.g. dementia)

Stages of Grief

• It’s not necessarily a linear progression.  
• You can experience multiple at once.

Stages

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Denial

Feel Numbness

Feel like it is a dream

Look for alternate explanations

Denial is the mind’s way of protecting people from what lies ahead

Anger

The unknown

loss of control

Fear of death

Feel isolation

failures –  coulda, woulda, shoulda

Anger give you a feeling of control

Unfair

Angry at God

Bargaining

If I … Then I will wake up and realize this was only a really bad dream

“If I go to church everyday and don’t sin maybe this cancer will go away“

“If I could only have this disease, and spare my child“

Depression

A sense of hopelessness and helplessness

When it really hits home…

• “This really happened“
• “ there is nothing I can do about it“
• “Something that is meaningful to me Is now gone”

Powerlessness

Acceptance

Radical acceptance that the loss occurred and determining how to proceed from there.  

Recognizing what happened… And still being able to envision the future

Natural Responses to Loss

The Biopsychosocial impact of grief

Biological

• Sleep disturbances
• Changes in weight
• Increase blood pressure
• Increase cortisol and endocrine changes
• Can make blood sugar harder to control for diabetics
• Body produces more glucose
• Muscle weakness
• Chronic headaches

Psychological

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Feeling of Relief

• End of suffering
• This can cause feelings of guilt

• Guilt

• I should’ve done this…
• I shouldn’t have done this…
• I regret not saying…
• Survivor guilt

•  Car accident, death, others injured
• Especially if they feel like they were the cause of the injury

• Changes in worldview (TT)

• Why do bad things happen to good people?
• I thought God wanted to heal everyone
• I did everything right… Why did this happen to me?
• The world is not predictable

• Anger

• Loss of control

• Difficulty concentrating

• People are in crisis

• Difficulty making decisions

• Messy house

• Avoiding triggers

• Visual, auditory, smell
• Milestones
• Places

Social

Two extremes

1. Withdrawal/isolation
2. Enmeshment

• Get consumed with holding on to what they still have

Grief burst

You thought you were doing fine and then all of a sudden something happens and you get emotional

Example: “damn damn damn James“

Good times

Damn Damn Damn - YouTube

Normal grief usually takes two or three years for the person to fully accept it and move on

• The first year is the toughest

The Tsunami

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkx33SeZ1ZIjL3igJ8pgpGx6uFxDG2FM6Bj

When We Lose a Loved One

So Much Going On

Dealing with

• Funeral arrangements
• Preacher
• Pictures for the program
• Headstones
• Casket
• Who to invite and who not to invite
• Who is allowed to speak and who is it
• Who will do the eulogy
• Who is going to be in the limo?
• Repass
• The will
• Give the clothes to Salvation Army
• Life insurance
• Social Security

Story: Mom passed

• Preacher went to hospital 2 days before funeral
• Thought I’d have to do the eulogy

Once you get your checklist done… That’s when things can get hard

• Now it’s time to grieve

Factors that Contribute to Degree of Grief

Grief affects everyone differently

The amount of grief a person experiences is impacted by

• How close the situation was to them (physical and emotional proximity)
• How many other stressors they’ve experienced in the last year
• Mental health issues
• Ineffective coping skills
• Social support
• Understanding of the loss
• How much control or responsibility they feel like they had in the situation
• The type of loss and predictability of it
• Age of the bereaved

Never say “I know how you feel…I lost my…”

How Do We Grieve?

Ventilation and validation

Anger is a natural emotion

It is OK to scream

It is OK to cry

It is OK not to cry

Sometimes people need to get past the anger in order to get down to the more threatening feelings

Set Aside Time to Grieve

Deuteronomy 34: 7-8

7 Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak, and his vitality had not diminished. 8 The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning for Moses came to an end.

Professional criers

Grieving is proportional to relationship

• The widow will grieve longer than the friend

Don’t just put on the Christian smile and say “she’s in a better place”

Grieve in community

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

John 19:26-27

26 So when Jesus saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” 27 Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her into his own household.

Take it To God

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

Practical Tips For Those Grieving

Make lists

• It’s hard to concentrate now

Minimize demands (unless staying busy helps)

Keep a normal sleep routine

Set a defined amount of time to revisit the loss each day

Be compassionate to yourself

DEER

• Drink water
• Eat
• Exercise
• Rest

narrative therapy

• Write out what happened

When God Doesn’t Do What We Want

Many people lose faith in God when they lose a loved one.

John 11:21-24

21 Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 “Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You.” 23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise from the dead.” 24 Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise in the resurrection on the last day.”

• Martha believed in her head that Jesus could raise Lazarus
• But she didn’t expect it

Martha blamed Jesus

She still calls Him Lord

Loss causes us to Examine our Theology

The preacher said

• If I have faith they will be cured
• There is no death in Heaven, so it’s God’s will that no one dies
• I can get whatever I want if I have enough faith
• If I’m a good Christian bad things won’t happen

Bad theology will leave you poorly equipped for grief.

Faith is Not Manipulation

Faith is Not a Means of Manipulation

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkxq_zwBBzLka9_vjpPyWyD6v3uYlc8no-w

Faith Isn’t A Means to Control Outcomes

Many of us were taught that faith was a way of controlling outcomes

• If you pray___ And do___Then you can expect___

We want to be able to

• Control the future
• Predict the future

God Owes Me

We get disappointed when we believe we didn’t get what we deserve

Story: John C

• son tore meniscus
•  Can’t go to Olympics
• Why would God do this?
• Was living right
• Thought God “owed him”

We Do Good To Manipulate God

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRnNNYkE/

Even Though He Didn’t

John 11:25-27

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; the one who believes in Me will live, even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” 27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have come to believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, and He who comes into the world.”

Martha still didn’t understand what he was about to do

• Martha didn’t understand why He didn’t do what she asked

But Martha understood who he was

I believe that you are…

• It sure would’ve been nice if you had…
• But even though you didn’t…
• You are …

She professed faith in him… Even in the absence of the miracle

Daniel never prayed for the Lions to go away

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cp1LsXzoE5c/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

How to Interact With Someone Who is Grieving

Sit With Them

Job 2:12-13

12 When they looked from a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe, and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. 13 Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights, with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.

Supporting someone who is grieving

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cj0jGcEjdVE/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Assist in Practical Needs

• Are they forgetting to eat?
• Did the other person do the chores that they now have to learn how to do?
• Are they sleeping?
• Do they need new clothes after the fire?

Ultimately we hope that the person can identify how they are stronger or better off from the experience

Grieving is a Season …Not Instantaneous

Many of us are good at the initial response

• Send a text message
• Send flowers
• Go back to see them

But grief isn’t an instant thing

• It is a Season

At some point we make it the responsibility of the person who is grieving to reach out and ask for help

Delivering Bad News

How to deliver bad news

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cp3MiQ2DIES/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Begin exploring solutions to fears and issues

What is in their control

Example: you can help them figure out where to move

Prison or a Portal

Disappointment: A Prison or a Portal - Furtick

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkx0K2aF1B_1frBeb1wgCLd3Kq9Riwl1Hcr

• You don’t always know what God is doing while He’s doing it
• “I thought I’d be further along by now”

Disappointment can be a portal or a prison

• Some people think “I thought I’d be further along by now“
• But that is the prison that keeps you from seeing how far you have come

What if God is doing what you wanted, but not the way you expected

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Three signs that God is testing you (grief?)

Applygodsword.com

Understand the grief and loss and associated anger and depression

Doc snipes

The Lazarus factor

Elevation church

What does the Bible say about grief?

Seacoast church

Ambiguous Grief

https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/

Grieving loss

The Moody church

Extra

Don’t blame God – Creflo?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CqEILwwIC03/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Control how you respond

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co27VpeD0mb/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Don’t fantasize about the past.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CpyYD4WAHHf/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Put a roof over your head - Dharius

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CqELTy2rbkS/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Thomas’ bold faith

 16Then Thomas called Didymus said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, so that we may die with Him.”

• Thomas trusted Jesus even though he had a misunderstanding

2 names

Didymus = twin

• He looked like Jesus
• Put him in danger

Ready to die

Then Thomas, who is called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.”

a. Thomas, who is called the Twin: Church tradition says that Thomas was called the Twin because he looked like Jesus, putting him at special risk. If any among the disciples of Jesus were potential targets of persecution it would be the one who looked like Jesus.

i. All Jews in those days had two names — one a Hebrew name by which a man was known in his own circle, the other a Greek name by which he was known in a wider circle. Thomas is the Hebrew and Didymus the Greek for a twin.” (Barclay)

b. Let us also go, that we may die with Him: Thomas was willing to go with Jesus even if it meant dying with Him. He made this commitment without much understanding of a promise of resurrection.

i. “Thomas utters a cry of loyal despair.” (Tasker)

ii. “He is the pessimist among the disciples, and now take the gloomy, and, as it is proved, the correct view of the result of this return to Judaea, but his affectionate loyalty forbids the thought of allowing Jesus to go alone.” (Dods)

Jesus Wept

John 11:32-35

32 So when Mary came to the place where Jesus was, she saw Him and fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 Therefore when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, 34 and He said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.”

Jesus is saying… Take me to that place

• Take me to that place that you don’t let other people see
• Take me to the wound that has never healed

Take me to the place where you stopped being optimistic

• When you started going through the motions
• where  you learned to manage the addiction… Rather than fighting it
• Were you decided to show people a façade because you don’t think they can handle what’s really huge

Because if they reject the real you it will hurt even more

35 Jesus wept.

Jesus is showing him that he’s with them… While they are hurting

Raising Lazurus From the Dead

John 11:39-44

39 Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” 41 So they removed the stone. And Jesus raised His eyes, and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 “But I knew that You always hear Me; nevertheless, because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” 43 And when He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 Out came the man who had died, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

You don’t always get Lazarus back… But his presence is always calling something forth

They didn’t want him to show up at the tomb… They wanted him to show up at the hospital bed

It was the situation… That gave the opportunity for revelation

Mindsets That Impact Your Grief

Examine the stated beliefs for…

All or nothing thinking

• “Everyone I know gets cancer”

Emotional reasoning

• “I am angry therefore… Someone needs to be blamed“

The fallacy of fairness

It might be the healthiest, holiest, friendliest person who dies young

Life is not fair sometimes

The person may have thought that “if I live my life good and healthy then I can have a long life“

• Now it is scary because that may not happen

Control Fallacy

anything that goes wrong is inherently your fault

Example: They died because of my sins

you feel completely out of control