People Pleasing - Part 2

How can people pleasing impact our relationship with God?

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Scriptures:

• Galatians 1:10
• Colossians 3:1-3
• 1 Samuel 15:12-26
• Deuteronomy 25:17-19
• John 5:44
• Luke 16:15
• John 12: 42-43
• 1 Thessalonians 2:3-4
• Exodus 23:2
• John 5:44
• Luke 16:15
• Matthew 10:32

Introduction

Galatians 1:10

“For am I now seeking the favor of people, or of God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.”

I heard a pastor say “ even God can’t please everybody“

Example: people praying for different teams to win

• People praying for rain and others praying for sun
• Different people praying for the same job
• Different people praying for the same spouse

We need to come to the realization that we can’t  please everybody

If everybody likes you… You don’t stand for anything

• You have no beliefs

Your funeral is only time when all people will speak well of you

People Pleasing Part 1

In the last lesson, we looked at a specific approach to life that we called “people pleasering”.

• On the surface it seems very Godly and Christian-like
• Helpful, serving, slow to anger
• but there can be some of the negative attributes that come with it

Today’s Lesson

Today we will talk about

1. People pleasing that we all do
2. How people pleasing can impact your relationship with God

Do you hide the fact that you are a Christian when you're at work?  

Do you withhold your true opinions to be politically correct?  

Are the opinions of your friends, family, or coworkers more important than God's opinion?

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review People Pleasing
• What Would Jesus Do?
• Practical Steps for People Pleasers
• King Saul the People Pleaser
• Pitfalls of People Pleasing
• Practical Steps to Stop People Pleasing

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

1. Authenticity
2. Honesty
3. Kindness
4. Not seeking external approval / validation
5. Living by values and principles
6. Setting Boundaries
7. Taking ownership of your responsibilities
8. Living with purpose and passion
9. Optimism
10. Confidence
11. Healthy relationships with others
12. Not losing control of your emotions
13. Free from addictions
14. Addressing Conflict
15. Vulnerability
16. Not critical or Judgmental
17. Not jealous
18. Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
19. Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
20. Not afraid to fail
21. Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
22. Selfless encounters with others
23. Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
24. You care about how others feel
25. Patient
26. Don’t give into peer/social pressure
27. Can communicate directly
28. Being led by the Spirit

Review People Pleasing

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasers have a hard time saying no and they spend much of their time doing things for other people

• They don’t want to

Motivation

• Doing it to look good
• Scared to say no
• I’m a “good person”

• This is what good people should do

People pleasers have the belief that if they are good, they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem free life.

Their life is shaped by a fear of

• Rejection
• Disapproval
• An angry response
• Not being liked
• Being judged

Not talking about

• Obeying God
• Taking care of your responsibilities
• Obeying authority
• Obeying parents
• Providing for your children/family
• Loving/respecting your spouse
• Common courtesy
• Not being rude
• Avoiding harm/danger

Childhood Causes Of People Pleasing

1. Your feelings were invalidated
2. Managing your parent’s feelings
3. Not allowed to make decisions

Characteristics of People Pleasers

• Seeking Validation Through Approval
• Avoiding Conflict
• Agreeing with whoever is in front of you
• Not being able to say no
• Taking Responsibility for Emotions of Others

In Relationships

• Either clingy and needy
• Reject them before they can reject us

External Referencing

Another characteristic of people pleasers is external referencing

When an internally-referenced person determines whether or not they have done a good job or if they are doing the right thing, they use their own standards.

An externally-referenced person, they tend to go by the standards that other people set for them.

Do you need to have a discussion before you express an opinion or take up a position?  

Or do you always know what's right or wrong, good or bad, straight away?

It’s ok to

• Reference is God or the bible
• Getting expert advice (mentor, counselor, subject matter expert)
• Iron sharpens iron
• Common values, positive intention, no selfish motives

Example:

• Buying shades - what brand are they?
• I know I will like the food
• 
  

We often do this with

• Fashion
• Pop music

What are some fashion trends or hairstyles that you used to wear that you now think are not attractive?

Pitfalls of Being a People Pleaser

• Covert Contracts
• Built-up resentment
• When needs aren’t met
• Hide their flaws
• Not vulnerable
• Prevents Authentic Connection
• Don’t Stand For Anything
• Don’t Own Mistakes
• Feel guilty doing things for themselves
• Placed their self-esteem in the hands of others
• Susceptible to Manipulation
• You Attract the Wrong People
• Takers
• Narcissist
• Psychopaths

What Would Jesus Do?

Was Jesus a people pleaser?

What are some things Jesus would have done differently if he were a “people pleaser”?

People Pleasing Jesus

• He would have worried about the Pharisees not liking Him

• The church leadership
• Would have tried to win them over

• Watched them stone the adulterous woman

• A people pleaser wouldn’t stand against the church leadership
• Not told the adulterous woman to go but left out the “sin no more”

• Stop mentioning being the Messiah around those who didn’t believe Him
• Wouldn’t have said statements like

• The law says ___. but I say ___
• You have to eat my flesh and drink my blood

• He wouldn’t have turned over the tables at the temple

Practical Steps for People Pleasers

Put Your Identity in Christ

Colossians 3:1-3

Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on the things that are above, not on the things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Your self esteem is tied to your relationship with Jesus

• Not the opinions of others

Not your

• Job
• Kids school
• Past accomplishments

Track Your Time Commitments

Keep track of how often you say yes when someone asks you for something.

Think about your actual bandwidth before making commitments

Try to use your energy only on those things that

• align with your values
• God’s values
• make you feel good

Identify How You Seek Approval

Pay attention when trying to impress or get approval.

• Spending extra time on your hair
• Holding the door open for someone
• Cleaning the kitchen
• Washing your car
• Walking with your child in the park just to get noticed or praised

Start noticing how much time you’re spending trying to get the approval of others

Consider stopping doing something you do for approval for a month or two

Example: I grew an afro

Reveal Yourself to Safe People

• Be vulnerable

Let them see the real you

Address Conflict

Consider the Possible Consequences of Not Addressing

• Use your anxiety

Think about the consequences of what your life would be like if you didn’t face the problem

• In 3-5 years

King Saul the People Pleaser

Israel went to war with the Amalekites

God told Saul to destroy the Amalekites and all they possessed

He won the war, but captured the king and kept some of the animals

1 Samuel 15:12-26

12Samuel got up early in the morning to meet Saul; and it was reported to Samuel, saying, “Saul came to Carmel, and behold, he set up a monument for himself, then turned and proceeded on [i]down to Gilgal.” 13So Samuel came to Saul, and Saul said to him, “Blessed are you of the LORD! I have carried out the command of the LORD.” 14But Samuel said, “What then is this [j]bleating of the sheep in my ears, and the [k]bellowing of the oxen which I hear?” 15Saul said, “They have brought them from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and oxen to sacrifice to the LORD your God; but the rest we have completely destroyed.” 16Then Samuel said to Saul, “Stop, and let me inform you of what the LORD said to me last night.” And he said to him, “Speak!”

17So Samuel said, “[l]Is it not true, though you were [m]insignificant in your own eyes, that you became the head of the tribes of Israel? For the LORD anointed you as king over Israel. 18And the LORD sent you on a [n]mission, and said, ‘Go and completely destroy the sinners, the Amalekites, and fight against them until they are eliminated.’ 19Why then did you not obey the voice of the LORD? Instead, you loudly rushed upon the spoils and did what was evil in the sight of the LORD!”

20Then Saul said to Samuel, “I did obey the voice of the LORD, for I went on the [o]mission on which the LORD sent me; and I have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have completely destroyed the Amalekites. 21But the people took some of the spoils, sheep and oxen, the choicest of the things designated for destruction, to sacrifice to the LORD your God at Gilgal.”

22Samuel said,

“Does the LORD have as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices

As in obeying the voice of the LORD?

Behold, to obey is better than a sacrifice,

And to pay attention is better than the fat of rams.

23“For rebellion is as reprehensible as the sin of divination,

And insubordination is as reprehensible as false religion and idolatry.

Since you have rejected the word of the LORD,

He has also rejected you from being king.”

24Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have violated the [p]command of the LORD and your words, because I feared the people and listened to their voice. 25 Now then, please pardon my sin and return with me, so that I may worship the LORD.” 26But Samuel said to Saul, “I will not return with you; for you have rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD has rejected you from being king over Israel.”

Why God Wanted to Utterly Destroy the Amalekites

charam

• to consecrate, devote, dedicate for destruction
• to exterminate, completely destroy

This is both war and worship

Who Were the Amalekites?

The war where Moses kept his arm raised

Deuteronomy 25:17-19

17 Remember what the Amalekites did to you along your way from Egypt, 18how they met you on your journey when you were tired and weary, and they attacked all your stragglers; they had no fear of God.

19When the LORD your God gives you rest from the enemies around you in the land that He is giving you to possess as an inheritance, you are to blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget!

Haman in Esther was a descendent of Agog - the Amalekite king

King David ended up wiping out the Amalekites.

• Saul and his son Jonathan died in that battle.  

In Judaism, the Amalekites came to represent the archetypal enemy of the Jews.

• the Amalekites are considered to be the symbol of evil

Saul the People Pleaser

Was Saul operating out of love or fear?

• Fear of man
• Jesus operated out of love for God

What are some people pleasing traits we saw Saul exhibit?

Saul wanted the praise from people instead of from God

John 5:44

“How can you believe, when you accept glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?

12Samuel got up early in the morning to meet Saul; and it was reported to Samuel, saying, “Saul came to Carmel, and behold, he set up a monument for himself, then turned and proceeded on [i]down to Gilgal.”

• Saul set up a monument in his own honor

Blaming Others and Minimizing

15 Saul said, “They have brought them from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and oxen to sacrifice to the LORD your God; but the rest we have completely destroyed.”

• Blaming others
• Minimizing

Lying

 21 “But the people took some of the spoils, sheep and oxen, the choicest of the things designated for destruction, to sacrifice to the LORD your God at Gilgal.”

• Lying
• Blaming others

Feared the People / Disobeyed God

 24 Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned, for I have violated the command of the LORD and your words, because I feared the people and listened to their voice.

• Feared the people
• Disobeyed God
• Rationalizing

Redirecting

 25 Now then, please pardon my sin and return with me, so that I may worship the LORD.”

• Let’s forget about it and go worship God

Pitfalls of People Pleasing

What are some of the pitfalls Christians can fall into when they want to please people?

We Become Chameleons

Luke 16:15

And He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the sight of people, but God knows your hearts; because that which is highly esteemed among people is detestable in the sight of God.

We start to wear masks.  

• We become chameleons.
• We adapt to our environment.

When we wear masks we don’t reveal our true selves.

God wants us to be congruent.  Not full of duplicity.

Integrity is more important than popularity

It Hurts Your Witness

John 12: 42-43

 42Nevertheless many, even of the rulers, believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, so that they would not be excommunicated from the synagogue; 43for they loved the [r]approval of people rather than the [s]approval of God.

Who around you would hear about Jesus if fear wasn’t an issue?

We say things that are politically correct instead of what is true

1 Thessalonians 2:3-4

3 For our exhortation does not come from error or impurity or by way of deceit;

4 but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not intending to please people, but to please God, who examines our hearts.

Sometimes silence is golden; and wise

Other times it’s just cowardly

• Hide your disagreement

Whose opinion matters to me more?

• My friend or my God?

• My child
• my parent
• my friend
• my coworker
• my boss
•  or God

It Can Lead You to Disobedience to God

Exodus 23:2

“You shall not follow the crowd in doing evil, nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to join together with a crowd in order to pervert justice

Giving in to peer pressure

People pleasing

• Saul - Amalekites
• Pontius Pilate
• Aaron - golden calf

In what area of my life am I caving in to the expectation of other people?

• To win the approval or to avoid the rejection of other people

When people become bigger than God, they overshadow God‘s authority in your life.

Politics

“You shall not follow the crowd in doing evil, nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to join together with a crowd in order to pervert justice"

Example: The attack on the Capitol building

Churches not meeting during the pandemic

The Bible says we should obey authority

But...

The bible would have ended in the book of Acts if Christians would have stopped meeting because it was illegal

How much of the New Testament was written in jail?

People Become Your “Idol”

John 5:44

“How can you believe, when you accept glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?

Whose opinion matters more?

• My client
• My coworkers
• My kids
• My spouse
• Church friends

Example: Anthony prayed for a client

“I don’t want this person to leave me”

Let’s decide to please Jesus alone

At Church

It Can Hinder You Finding Your Purpose

How are you going to find your purpose if you are fixated on doing what other people say makes them happy?  

Example: My public social media is now Christian

• Lost TikToker

As a people pleaser we are afraid to be ourselves.

Do you have the courage to follow your calling or are you afraid to do it because of what other people think about you?  

Practical Steps to Stop People Pleasing

Identify Your True Thoughts

Which version of you?

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdTyy6wd/

Try to determine which of your thoughts and the things you say are you?

• Feel out what you say makes you weak or strong
• Determine if you are using words to hide what is truly who you are or what you think

Let pleasing God become bigger than pleasing people

Luke 16:15

And He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the sight of people, but God knows your hearts; because that which is highly esteemed among people is detestable in the sight of God.

Identify Your Intentions

Who are you performing for?

Who are you trying to impress?

Put Your Identity in Christ

Matthew 10:32  

“Therefore, everyone who confesses Me before people, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven.

We believe that Olympic athletes were made for something more

• They are trying to bring honor to our country

They are susceptible to life long injuries

So it’s OK that

• It dictates their choice of schools
• They can’t eat and drink what others can
• They can’t take some jobs
• They can’t do the activities that other kids get to do
• They miss out on some of the parties
• They have to wake up earlier and work and train later

The Olympic Games

• It’s a game

If we honor them for doing this for a game…

<now look at the above in terms of the above having your identity as a Christian >

How much more should we stand out as different being Christians

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

The addiction of people pleasing

Freedom Family Church

How to escape the people pleaser trap

Rick Warren

https://www.theberean.org/index.cfm/main/default/id/7557/exodus-17-16.htm

http://www.changeworkcoaching.com/article_text.asp?ID=21

https://www.globalnlptraining.com/blog/nlp-internal-and-external-reference/ 

Saul’s disobedience

Stillwater Bible church

1 Samuel 15

Jon Courson

Every time the sacred steps of obedience

DPARK76

Extra

Practical Steps for People Pleasers

Personal Positive Affirmations

Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself.  Write them on notecards and place them where you will see them regularly.  change the cards often so they stay fresh.  when you read them close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in place of old beliefs.  

• I am lovable just as I am
• I am perfectly imperfect
• My needs are important
• I am a strong and powerful person
• I can handle it
• People love and except me just as I am
• I am the only person I have to please
• It is OK to be human and make mistakes

Codependency

Commonly observable characteristics of codependency are:

• intense and unstable interpersonal relationships
• inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone
• chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness
• subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved
• overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection
• perfectionism
• over-controlling
• external referencing
• http://www.changeworkcoaching.com/article_text.asp?ID=21
• dishonesty and denial
• manipulation
• lack of trust
• low self-worth

In a codependent relationship, the codependent person's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy "clinginess" and needy behavior, where one person does not have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on their loved one for fulfillment. The mood and emotions of the codependent are often determined by how they think other individuals perceive them (especially loved ones). This perception is self-inflicted and often leads to clingy, needy behavior which can hurt the health of the relationship.

Particularly problematic pairings include:

Personality disorder and codependent pairing

Borderline personality disorder – there is a tendency for loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) to slip into "caretaker" roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these kinds of relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being "the sane one" or "the responsible one".

Narcissistic personality disorder – codependents of narcissists are sometimes called co-narcissists. Narcissists, with their ability to get others to "buy into their vision" and help them make it a reality, seek and attract partners who will put others' needs before their own.  Codependents can provide the narcissist with an obedient and attentive audience — the perfect backdrop for a self-absorbed narcissist.[21] Among the reciprocally interlocking interactions of the pair are the narcissist's overpowering need to feel important and special and the codependent person's strong need to help others feel that way.

Amalekites

In Exodus 17:8–16, Amalek makes war against Israel in the wilderness. Joshua is ordered by Moses to lead Israel in battle, and Moses watches from a hillside. When Moses' hand is raised, Israel prevails, but when it is lowered, Israel falters. So he keeps his hand raised through the entire battle, even having assistants hold him up, so that the battle will go to Israel.

Judges 6:1-6

1 Then the sons of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD handed them over to Midian for seven years.

2 The power of Midian prevailed against Israel. Because of Midian the sons of Israel made for themselves the dens which were in the mountains and the caves and the strongholds.

3 For whenever Israel had sown, the Midianites would come up with the Amalekites and the people of the east and march against them.

4 So they would camp against them and destroy the produce of the earth fnas far as Gaza, and leave no sustenance in Israel, nor a sheep, ox, or donkey.

5 For they would come up with their livestock and their tents, they would come in like locusts in number, and both they and their camels were innumerable; and they came into the land to ruin it.

6 So Israel was brought very low because of Midian, and the sons of Israel cried out to the LORD.

Haman

Esther, an evil man named Haman plotted genocide against the Jews in Persia during the reign of Xerxes. Haman was "the son of Hammedatha the Agagite" (Esther 3:1), probably directly descended from the Amalekite king Samuel killed.

Esther 3:1

1After these events, King Xerxes honored Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, elevating him to a position above all the princes who were with him.

Midrash

According to the Midrash, the Amalekites were sorcerers who could transform themselves to resemble animals, in order to avoid capture. Thus, in 1 Samuel 15:3, it was considered necessary to destroy the livestock in order to destroy Amalek.

In Judaism, the Amalekites came to represent the archetypal enemy of the Jews. In Jewish folklore, the Amalekites are considered to be the symbol of evil.

More metaphorically, to some Hasidic rabbis (particularly the Baal Shem Tov), Amalek represents atheism or the rejection of God.

Could the Israelites ever be at peace with the Amalekites?

Exodus 17: 14-16

14Then the LORD said to Moses, “Write this in [m]a book as a memorial and [n]recite it to Joshua, [o]that I will utterly wipe out the memory of Amalek from under heaven.” 15And Moses built an altar and named it The LORD is My Banner; 16and he said, “[p]Because the LORD has sworn, the LORD will have war against Amalek from generation to generation.”

• God was not being a people pleaser with the Amalekites

Saul

Obeying Is Better than Sacrifice

The voice of God

1 Samuel 15:

22 Samuel said, “Does the LORD have as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than a sacrifice, And to pay attention is better than the fat of rams.

Rahab lied but she is in the Hall of Fame Faith

Abraham lied and slept with his housemaid but he is in the hall of faith

Your pathway to obedience

Honesty

• God, other people, yourself

Five way to change your mind from people pleasing

• Realize that even God can’t please everyone

1. He’s not a people pleaser
2. You don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy

• Realize what seems so important now is only temporary

1. Name the top five things that are most important to you and your senior year of high school
2. Does it matter today?

• Realize that you only have to please one person

1. God

• It is a form of idolatry
• Realize that one day, you will give an account of your life