What is Love?

 

Let's talk about love

Scriptures:

• John 15:12-14
• Romans 12:10
• John 13:34-35
• Romans 5:8
• Ephesians 5:31-33
• 1 John 3:18
• Luke 6:27-28
• 1 John 3:16
• Ezekiel 36:26
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Introduction

John 15:12-14

12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 “Greater love has no one than this, that a person will lay down his life for his friends. 14 “You are My friends if you do what I command you.

• Jesus commanded us to love one another

What is love?

• Action
• Feeling

Love of the World

Romeo & Juliet Love

Real love burns brightly and passionately

It keeps burning until death

It keeps burning after death as the lovers are reunited in heaven

Current myth

True love is passionate love that never fades

If you are in true love you should marry that person

If love fades, leave that person because it isn’t true love

If you can find the right person you will have true love forever

The world looks at love as a feeling.  

• I will only do the actions if the feeling is there.  
• They are not in control of their feelings.
• They are not in control of love.
• And therefore they are not in control of their relationships.  

They are committed to the feeling… not the person

• “I will stay with you as long as you can keep making me feel this way”

In this lesson we’ll explore love

• Romantic love

In this lesson we are going to explore how are you can exhibit the love of God to others

• Outline:
• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• What is Love?
• Healing a Heart of Stone
• Radical love
• Restoration through Connection

Traits of Wholeness

• Honesty
• Kindness
• Behavior not influenced by external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Hope
• Confidence
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Has the capacity to resolve conflict maturely
• you “fight fair“
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions
• You care about how others feel
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate without antagonizing others
• You can complain respectfully
• Recognize, manage, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings
• Slow to anger
• Not easily triggered
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Can listen without reacting
• Can respect others without having to change them
• Able to negotiate solutions and take other people's perspectives into consideration
• Give people room to make mistakes and not be perfect
• Love God
• Love your neighbor
• Pray and spend time with God
• You are led by the Spirit
• Have faith in your salvation through Jesus

Greek Words for love in the Bible

In English you can love

• chocolate
• your spouse
• Your job

The Greeks Would use a different word for each of these.   They have eight different words for love. We are going to look at four of them.

These four words for love are not found in the Old Testament because the Old Testament was written in Hebrew

Storge

Family love

Liking someone through fondness or familiarity

parents, brothers, sisters

This love usually doesn’t require traits of value or that are worthy of love

Romans 12:10

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love [philostorgos]; give preference to one another in honor,

philostorgos combination of storge and philia

Philia

Brotherly love; deep friendship

This type of love is freely chosen… Unlike family

John 13:34-35

 “I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  35 “By this all people will know that you are My disciples: if you have love for one another.”

Eros

romantic or sexual love

This is the only love that seeks its own interest and satisfaction

Agape

unconditional love

What is Agape love?

https://youtube.com/clip/Ugkxja2h3gxCxqCK7-59U_YX1VphX8rQB5qx?si=6AyYXXOMBjyVvPue

The early disciples defined this love by looking at Jesus' teaching and his life.  

seeking the well-being of others above yourself without expecting anything in return.  

• A choice
• An action

Agape is the choice to do God‘s will

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

bonus

Mania is the type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between eros and ludus (Play full love).

What is love?

Is it a good feeling that you have?

Is it something that you do?

Is it something that you give?

Where does it come from?

If you got it… How do you lose it?

Why do we fall out of love?

Can you get it back?

Love vs Attraction

Attraction is an emotion or a feeling

• Attraction is not in your control

Food Example

you can’t control what food looks delicious to you

• You can only control what you eat
• You can work to change your taste/preference/appetite
• It can change over time and ask you mature chronologically and spiritually
• When you see Taco Bell you may get disgusted now
• You associate it with being unhealthy
• Junk food, poor people food, College students

Example: BBL, lip injections

• Celebrities
• Media
• Peers

What is Love?

Love is

• An emotion
• A decision
• Action
• A response to value
• Revealed through sacrifice

Love is an emotion

Warm fuzzy feeling

You have an image in your subconscious mind of someone that you want to be with

When you see someone that matches that image you have a chemical release

• That’s what causes that warm fuzzy feeling to be in your body

That picture comes from

• Previous relationships
• Similar to mom or opposite extreme to mom
• Similar to dad or opposite extreme to dad
• Usually that image is similar to someone you felt loved by in your childhood

Maintaining warm fuzzy feeling

We want that warm fuzzy feeling to continue so we get closer to the person

The closer you get to them the more intense the warm fuzzy feeling becomes

When you interact with them or even think about them you get that warm fuzzy feeling all over again

“You Hangup… No you hang up“

We call this… “I’m in love“

But that is not really love… It is a chemical release of dopamine

Dopamine

Dopamine = happiness hormone

Dopamine sends messages of arousal and pleasure

Dopamine gives you a craving

• And there is a thrill of that craving being instantly satisfied
• It doesn’t give you pleasure
• It gives you anticipation of pleasure
• Gives you a rush of curiosity and mystery

Dopamine causes you to seek out a desirable activity over and over again

Dopamine is a hint of how much pleasure you might get from doing something

• Sex
• The next video on TikTok

The red circle on your text app creates dopamine

Dopamine Love Fades

Eventually, when you are with the person… You don’t get that chemical release

When you are on the phone now… There is no chemical release

The dopamine release comes to a stop approximately 6 to 18 months after the beginning of the relationship

Dopamine is often called the "feel-good" or "reward" chemical. It's responsible for the intense excitement, euphoria, and craving you feel in the early stages of a romantic relationship – often called the "honeymoon phase." This surge of dopamine makes you feel almost addicted to your new partner.  

The intense dopamine rush associated with "new relationship energy" (NRE) naturally tends to subside over time.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin = love hormone

Released when people

• cuddle or bond socially
• Arousal and orgasm
• breastfeeding

Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone."  It's crucial for strengthening emotional bonds, fostering trust, and promoting feelings of attachment. It's released during physical touch, cuddling, intimacy, and even meaningful conversations.

Endorphins: True Love

When you feel loved and connected to another person

Endorphins are the body's natural painkillers and mood elevators.

• They produce feelings of happiness, relaxation, and euphoria.

Caused by

• Exercise
• Laughter
• Physical touch
• Pleasurable activities

Endorphin happiness is

• Long term
• Steady
• Mostly positive

True love releases endorphins which give you long term happiness

In a healthy long-term relationship, activities that promote endorphin release (e.g., shared hobbies, physical intimacy, laughter, supportive interactions during stressful times) will continue to contribute to positive feelings and a sense of connection.

Love changes your gene expression.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnMvflIsUIL/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Love is a decision

Ephesians 5:31-33

31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND HIS MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Love is The act of a will

• If your will does not align with the word of God… It will lead you down the wrong path

Married people need to take two vows

• The vow of priority
• The vow of pursuit

–Tim Timberlake

When God is your number one priority you don’t have a problem pursuing your number two… Your spouse

“I promise God will be my first priority and my spouse will be my second“

If you only love me when I’m good to you then that dilutes the meaning of love.  

Love is Action

1 John 3:18

Little children, let’s not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.

Love is an action gift by the giver and experienced as a feeling by the receiver

Love in Action - Old Asian Couple

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ct7IZ4XgIAG/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Love Your Enemies

Luke 6:27-28

27“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who are abusive to you.

Jesus defined “love your enemies“ not so much, by feelings of affection, but based on your actions

It requires that we bless them when they curses and do good to them when they hate us

Love is a response to value

Love is the response to understanding the value of something

The more you find value in something… The more endeared you feel to take care of it

Example: comic book collection

If you were saying “I’m ready to get married… But I want him to serve me“… You are not ready to get married

Value can be measured by what they are willing to give up for you

Love is sacrifice

1 John 3:16

We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers and sisters.

Love is expressed to another by the action of sacrifice

Even though we are the image of God… Our love is small compared to His

Sacrifice is doing what you don’t want to do, when you don’t want to do it with the right attitude for the benefit of another

While you were dating you were making sacrifices

• It was a selfish motive because you wanted the dopamine release
• God honors the sacrifice even if it is for selfish motive

When someone helps you and they’re struggling too

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0NcU3EpH7m/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

• When someone helps you and they’re struggling too, that’s not help…that’s love

A Heart of Stone

Learning about the fear of love

Ezekiel 36:26

“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

A heart of stone is a heart that opened itself up and got hurt

• It wants love but it is afraid of life

Because of past wounds in life we put up a self protective mechanism to make sure we never get hurt like that again

It is typical with first loves

Fear of never being hurt again is what motivates the heart of stone

Person with a heart of stone exhibit the pattern of

1. growing close to another in a relationship
2. opening up to you in about the time that you feel that you are very close to that person…
3. They pick a fight with you
4. They make a big deal out of a little thing that makes no sense to you

They are finding fault with you, and they are angry with you

You talk about the future and then the next day… Kaboom

That’s the hearts way of protecting itself

They are picking a fight so that they can justify closing up their heart again

They are afraid of the very thing that they want… Love

They’ll repeat the pattern of coming close… Fighting… Making up… Coming close

We all have this fear to a certain extent

Example: that was my pattern of mates

Radical Love: The Solution

If you’re in relationship with them

This applies to marriage

• Someone you’re dating like this… You’ll probably no longer be with them

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 5 It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, 6 it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

What caused the pain is that they were loved imperfectly

It could be by

• Mom
• Dad
• First girlfriend/boyfriend

You can overcome this by being loved perfectly in the present

• Always agree with the accusation
• Apologize for the things they blame you on
• Don’t let them justify shutting down on you
• Forgive them

Get them into counseling

You need counseling to get rid of their emotional triggers that prevent you from loving them through it

A person with a heart of stone may be very insecure and very jealous

• You may be questioned often as to where you’ve been why are you
• Why are you late?

They ask you over and over…

• Do you really love me?
• Do you really want to be with me?
• Are you sure?
• Why don’t you love me?

To break through the heart of Stone

To heal the heart of stone… You have to take the fault even though you may not be guilty

• You don’t engage in the argument
• You ask to be forgiven for things you didn’t do

Show them that your intent is to remain in the relationship

Put the value of them feeling loved by you above the truth of the matter

Accept blame for things you’re not guilty of

• Be willing to change

You should be willing to do whatever you need to do the sacrifice to let them know that you care about them

• “I will give up my right to be right”

Reassure them that you will not leave them

A person with a heart of stone is going to put you through tests

They want you to prove that you are going to hang in there

The test will get bigger and bigger and bigger

The love of God

They can also be healed by experiencing and accepting the love of God

Love of God - Dauter

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cq33tB5pof_/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Restoration through Connection

When people make their struggles known … we usually feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do

• moralists May come up with good things for the person to do.
• Recite Christian phrases that release no passion in us but are supposed to do powerful things for them

• “ God is at work even in the darkest of times“
• “where has the word ministered to you lately?”
• “ You are too hard on yourself“
• “you have a lot going for you“

Or we try to… Refer

• Have you considered counsel?
• “Maybe should be talking to…”

Psychologists diagnose the patient with a capital letter in front of the diagnosis, emphasizing they only a trained professional could help this person with this disorder.  

• They aren’t just anxious… They have Anxiety
• They aren’t just depressed… They have Depression

What if the symptoms that we attribute to a psychological disorder are evidence of a Disconnected soul?  

Maybe the solution is connecting with a source of life versus treatment

Child Bumping Head Example

When a child bumps his head, and the mother pulls his head to his chest, something more important makes the child feel better even though the pain doesn’t go away.

To allow myself to be hugged, would be to admit that I long to connect with someone more powerful. And that would offend my pride.  

• Do I need to be held?
• Can connecting heal my psychological disorder?
• Can words heal the soul?

I wonder if we think we have psychological disorders because we lack courage to express our need

And when the longing arises… I feel fear.

• Fear that I am an insecure baby.
• Fear that no one will let me be that weak without scorning me
• Fear that, if I am held, I will never get up and move again

I want someone to pull my head to their chest, and I also want to pull someone else’s hair to mine. I want to be both dependent and powerful.

What does it take to be powerful?

• Training? Degrees? Licenses?

We must find the courage to face our terrifying longing to connect.  

I look like Jesus when I love - Tourre

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5CG-qwSaJt/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Show some love

Tim Timberlake

What is love?

Gene Wagstaff

The love of God

Bill Johnson

Learning about the fear of love

Gene Wagstaff

four types of love in the Bible

Jed Guseman

Agape love

Bible project

Extra

Romans 13:9-10

9 For this, “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, YOU SHALL NOT MURDER, YOU SHALL NOT STEAL, YOU SHALL NOT COVET,” and if there is any other commandment, it is summed up in this saying, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” 10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the Law.

Preparing For Love

We fall to our level of preparation

• Marriages are under attack

If I told you that on the way to your mailbox you have a 50% chance of being attacked by a lion… How many of you would prepare?

Single people… If you are looking more than you are building… You are preparing to fail

The foundation of your marriage is… Knowledge and understanding of how to love your spouse

If you don’t understand your spouse… You will love them how you want to be loved

• Communication is the easiest way to do that