Resolving Conflict - Part 2

 

Practical steps to use when resolving conflicts

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Outline:

• Introduction
• Traits of Wholeness
• Review Resolving Conflict Part 1
• Why We Have Conflict
• God’s Model For Resolving Conflict
• Strategies for Addressing Conflict
• God Can Use Conflict

Scriptures:

• Matthew 18:15
• Romans 12:18
• Proverbs 28:13
• Matthew 18:15-17
• 1 Peter 4:8
• Proverbs 20:19
• Proverbs 26:22
• Proverbs 10:18
• Proverbs 18:17
• 1 Corinthians 5: 1-2
• Proverbs 19:11
• Proverbs 15:18
• Proverbs 12:18
• Proverbs 14:29
• Proverbs 18:2
• Proverbs 18:13
• Philippians 2:4

Matthew 18:15

15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

United States spends $24 billion a year on work and family conflict

  –Charles Irvine is an Expert in strategic conflict resolution

There are cultural differences in resolving conflict.  

• Some cultures teach you to avoid conflict while others embrace it.  
• In some cultures it’s rude to say “no”.  

We’ll look at the biblical approach to conflict

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be  _______ healthy

• spiritually
• emotionally
• mentally

Dealing with life’s current stresses and also being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just supposed to have eternal life

• We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Learning not just what The Word instructs us to do, but learning how to implement it in our lives

Traits of Wholeness

• Authenticity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Not seeking external approval / validation
• Living by values and principles
• Setting Boundaries
• Taking ownership of your responsibilities
• Living with purpose and passion
• Optimism
• Confidence
• Healthy relationships with others
• Not losing control of your emotions
• Free from addictions
• Addressing Conflict with truth and love
• Vulnerability
• Not critical or Judgemental
• Not jealous
• Genuinely applaud the success of others
• Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
• Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
• Not afraid to fail
• Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
• Selfless encounters with others
• Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
• You care about how others feel - empathy
• Patient
• Don’t give into peer/social pressure
• Can communicate directly
• Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
• Take responsibility for your own emotions
• Slow to anger
• Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
• Being led by the Spirit

Review Resolving Conflict Part 1

Steps to Reconciliation

• Ask God for wisdom
• Focus on reconciliation not “winning”
• Do your part
• Choose the right time
• Begin with what’s my fault
• Avoid offensive language
• Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
• Don’t respond harshly
• Seek to understand before seeking to be understood
• Listen to their heart and perspective
• Don’t dismiss their fears
• Don’t be self-centered

A False Peacemaker

Romans 12:18

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.

A false peacemakers avoids conflict out of fear

Peacemaking is not

• Avoiding
• Appeasing

That’s not peacemaking… That’s cowardice

it’s not about always letting the other person get their way

Peacemaking is addressing the issue in an attempt to resolve it

Conflict is Necessary

Conflict is not always a bad thing

if you don’t have conflict… You don’t have a real relationship

Healthy relationships are marked by conflict

If you fight all the time it might mean that you haven’t learned how to resolve conflict

Problems With Not Addressing the Issue

• Not authentic
• Preventing reconciliation

Path to Avoiding Conflict

Clarify Your Assumption

Our assumptions are misrepresentation of reality

Assumptions may lead to believing a lie

Voice Unspoken Expectations

We expect other people to know what we want before we say it… Especially if they are invested in the relationship

Examples

Of course you are coming to the family event… We are important to you aren’t we?

Men should do…

A woman should …

When my mother passes away, I should get the house

If he really cared about me… he would call me

Expectations are only valid and they have been mutually communicated

Expectations need to be

1. Conscious
2. Realistic
3. Spoken
4. Agreed-upon

Become Aware of Your Emotional Triggers

An emotional trigger is an intense reaction to something in the present that reminds us, consciously or unconsciously, of an event in our history

We haven’t healed from a wound from the past

You Don’t Realize You Were Triggered

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ce1fwdTpLe4/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Example: he’s got his phone on silent

• He’s a cheater

Become Aware of Biases

We draw conclusions from information so quickly that sometimes have a stereotype based on

• Intonation
• Accent
• Behavior patterns

We step outside of the area of facts and make a judgment on their heart and their motivation

There are

• Facts
• Inferences
• Value statement

Example: purple shirt

• People who mistreat dogs wear purple shirts
• Tom is a bad person because he mistreats dogs…I can’t trust him

Example: you remind me of my dad

Establish Rules of Fair Play

In a relationship you need to establish ground rules of “fair communication“.

• You need to take some words and say that they are off-limit

Example: Don’t talk about mamas

3 Unhealthy Communication Practices

Silent Treatment / Stonewalling

Short Responses

They are giving bare minimum answers with little or no detail

Why People Give the Silent Treatment

• Retaliation
• “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”
• Manipulation
• hope that they will break down and concede to their wishes
• Physiologically flooded
• Overloaded with stress
• Freeze - fight, flight, freeze

Toxic if done as retaliation or manipulation

• passive-aggressive

Not Toxic

• Avoid conflict
• To not blow up
• Processing

Contempt

Contempt is criticism that comes with an element of superiority; one person expresses discontent by also using shame and mean-spirited sarcasm to put down another person.

Solution: Describe Your Own Feelings & Needs

I feel ___ when you ___

• I feel angry / hurt / disappointed when you…
• I feel ignored when you use your cell phone so much when we’re at dinner

I Wish…

I feel __ when you __, I wish…

• I feel disappointed that you didn’t trust me with that information…I wish you could share …
• I wish we could talk calmly about our schedules

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a reaction to (real or perceived) criticism

Defensiveness looks like:

• Overexplaining
• Taking on a victim mentality
• Counter-criticizing

We should

• Be Open to Criticism
• Take Responsibility For Your Part

Proverbs 28:13

13One who conceals his wrongdoings will not prosper,

But one who confesses and abandons them will find compassion.

Take responsibility for what you did

Why We Have Conflict

Root of conflict

• Limited resources
• Time, money, property
• Unmet needs or expectations
• Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual
• Different values

values =  “shoulds“

• You should do this
• They should think this way
• You shouldn’t wear that

We need a balance between

• Our emotions
• Logic
• Empathy

emotions help us identify

• our deep values
• things that need to change

Logic helps us

• identify the root of the conflict
• address the challenges

empathy helps us

• understand how others are affected
• validate them for feeling that way

Our feelings and perceptions are just as tangible as reality when it comes to conflict

It is almost impossible to be neutral in your own conflicts

God’s Model For Resolving Conflict

Matthew 18:15-17

15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that ON THE TESTIMONY OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY MATTER MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, he is to be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

GOD’S MODEL

1. Go alone and directly talk to the person.
2. Go with 2-3 others if the issue isn’t resolved

1. People they trust

3. Take it to the church (when dealing with a believer)
4. Break away from the relationship.

The goal is not so much to put the offender on trial, but to persuade the offender to see the wrong and to be reconciled.

Don’t Go to Others First

Why do we often go to other people first?

We do this to

• Complain
• Vent
• Gain advocates
• Plead our case
• Justify our emotions towards them
• hurt, betrayal or being wronged
• Slander the other person

Go To the Person Alone

Go first to your brother privately

The goal is reconciliation/restoration/resolution

Not

• To make them feel bad
• To get an apology
• To win

If Involving Others

Cover It

1 Peter 4:8

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Example: Friend said he’d rather people look at him as a villain than his wife

Benefit of Bringing in Others

When you do this… It keeps the main thing the main thing

it keeps us dealing with the issue and not a personality conflict

Don’t Gossip

Proverbs 20:19

One who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with a gossip.

Why don’t we stop people from gossipping to us?

We don’t stop them because we want to hear it

• We’re nosy

Proverbs 26:22

The words of a gossiper are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

Shut it Down

Example: Bible study member shut it down

and we need to stop people and tell them that they are gossiping.

•  Ask them if they have gone to the other person.

Only talk to people who are part of the problem or part of the solution.

You are trying to restore him without ruining his reputation

Determine The Motive

Proverbs 10:18

18One who conceals hatred has lying lips,

And one who spreads slander is a fool.

If someone comes to you about an issue with someone else you need to access their motive

• Gossip
• Slander
• Damage the reputation
• Reconciliation

Example: Sister telling me about church brother

Don’t Judge With Only One Side of the Story

Proverbs 18:17

The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.

You have to hear both parts of the story before you make a judgment

Take it to the Church

This is specifically talking about sin

Break Relationship

1 Corinthians 5: 1-2

1 It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and sexual immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, namely, that someone has his father’s wife. 2 You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.

Example: expelling pastors

Example: this class

Strategies for Addressing Conflict

Overlooking an Offense

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Example

• Traffic
• Grocery store
• In line at Starbucks

Example: Jesus heard someone thinking

• “He’s got on some ugly sandals”

If the relationship matters you will need to address the issues. If the relationship doesn’t matter… Pursue peace.

If I’m at peace with me and with God small things don’t upset me

If you can overlook it you should

• If you can’t overlook it you need to have the conversation  
• If you continue to think about it you have not overlooked it

If you bring it up when you finally get mad then you didn’t overlook it

Make the First Move

Conflict is never resolved accidentally

The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it

Why don’t we do it…fear

Fear makes you

• Distant
• Demanding
• Defensive

Start With Affirmation

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered person stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

Begin conversation with affirmation

If you start a conversation threatening or negative it will end badly according to research

• The first 3 minutes of the conversation dictate the outcome

Your Energy

Your energy and emotions are contagious

• Feelings
• Mood
• Attitude

If you come at the person negatively and threatening they will close up and there is no way that you can influence them

Communicate Your Complaints and Feelings without fixed Judgments or Interpretations

• Complaining is talking about me and my feelings
• Criticizing is talking about you and your behavior

Don’t try to interpret it or tell them what their motive was

• you don’t know their heart only they do

Example: don’t say “ you don’t care about anybody but yourself“

We get defensive when someone begins to accuse us

Specific complaint

“You told me you would take out the trash and you didn’t. “

• That makes me feel stressed out because I have a lot to do.  
• That also violates my trust because you didn’t do what you said you’d do.

Global Complaint

• You never do anything around here.
• All responsibility is always on me
• You take advantage of me all the time.  

Practical Steps

1. express what you noticed
2. share your feelings
3. state your need

Speak the Truth in Love

Proverbs 12:18 

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

“I just tell it like it is“

• … That’s called being rude

If you say it offensively… It will be received offensively

You are never persuasive when you are abrasive

You never get your point across by being cross

Truth without love is resisted

Truth with love is received

Fix the problem, not the blame

The goal shouldn’t be to assign the blame on them

Attack the issue… Not the person

• Realize you were both on the same team

Be Slow to Anger

Proverbs 14:29

29 A patient man has great understanding,

but a quick-tempered man promotes folly.

Don’t be easily Irritated

Listen to Them

Proverbs 18:2

2A fool does not delight in understanding,

But in revealing his own mind.

Don’t be a fool

Proverbs 18:13

13One who gives an answer before he hears,

It is foolishness and shame to him.

A good listener makes the other person feel heard

As the listener… Put your own agenda on hold.

Reflect What They Say

 Reflect the other person‘s words back to him or her.

Either

• paraphrase in a way that the other person agrees is accurate
• Use his or her own words

When it appears that the speaker is done… Ask is there more

Validation phrases

• That makes sense
• I can see that because…
• I can understand that because…
• That’s a good point
• That’s true

Remember They’re in Fight or Flight

Our amygdala reacts to emotional cues as if they were current and present danger

Reconsider what you said or are planning to say

Realize the other person will filter through their non-logical brain

What can be misconstrued?

Seek Win/Win

Philippians 2:4

do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

It is not just about you… It is about them as well

Address the Elephant in the Room

Is there something important or true that needs to be said, but it is too uncomfortable?

We don’t like to say something that seems unkind

God Can Use Conflict

We often associate God with comfort and the devil with conflict

Sometimes the devil will make your life comfortable so that you come to the point where you don’t think you need God

We run from conflict and pray for blessings

We often run from what we are praying for

You don’t go to the gym and put down the weights because they are heavy and expect your muscles to grow

if you haven’t learned to deal with conflict in one relationship you will take it to the next because you haven’t learned to deal with the real conflict which is within

Instructor: Michael Leadon

References

Learn how to resolve conflict and restore relationships With Rick Warren

Saddleback Church

Emotionally healthy spirituality

Peter Scazzero

How understanding conflict can help improve our lives

Robin Funston l TEDx stocks

Stop praying away conflict

Pastor Steven Furtick

Let’s resolve this - a biblical approach to relational conflict

Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle

Matthew 18:15 - 20

Calvary chapel Ontario

Extra

Proverbs 20:25

It is a trap for a man to say rashly, “It is holy!” And after the vows to make inquiry.

Psalms 141:3

3Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;

keep watch at the door of my lips.

Watch Your Tone

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

90% of what people remember is not what you say, but how are you say it

Look For Their Perspective

Why would a smart person do such a stupid thing?

This can help you develop compassion for the annoying person

Usually caused by

• Pressure
• Fear
• Threat