Friday, September 15, 2023

Forgiving Your Father/Mother 2


Do we need to honor parents who wronged us?

~~ Watch the Video ~~

Worship: Heart that Forgives by Kevin LeVar


  • Exodus 20:12
  • Proverbs 25:21-22
  • Ephesians 4:32
  • Colossians 3:12-13
  • Romans 12:19
  • Matthew 5:43-45
  • Ephesians 6:2-3


Exodus 20:12

“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the LORD your God gives you.

How do you honor parents who were horrible to you?


Honor Your Parents Even If They Were Demonic

4:20 - 6:09

  • … It’s impossible to honor them unless you forgive

This is not about you as a parent

  • It’s about you as a child of your parents


  • Introduction
  • Traits of Wholeness
  • Review
  • More Reasons to Forgive
  • Barriers to Forgiveness
  • What They Did Had 2 Consequences
  • An Example of Forgiving
  • How Do You Honor Your Parents
  • Not Forgiving Your Parents Impacts Your Current Relationships
  • You Are the One Best Suited to Heal the Damage
  • How to Forgive
  • Forgiving Your Parent(s) Exercise

Traits of Wholeness

We are in our series called Seeking Wholeness

How can we be:

  • Spiritually healthy
  • Emotionally healthy
  • Mentally healthy

Free from oppression of

  • Our past
  • Ourself
  • Bad thinking
  • Strongholds
  • The enemy

We’re talking about

  • dealing with life’s current stresses
  • being healed from experiences/wounds of the past

We’re not just promised eternal life

  • We’re supposed to have: joy, peace, patience, and self control here on earth

Traits of Wholeness

  • Authenticity
  • Honesty
  • Kindness
  • Not seeking external approval / validation
  • Living by values and principles
  • Setting Boundaries
  • Taking ownership of your responsibilities
  • Living with purpose and passion
  • Optimism
  • Confidence
  • Healthy relationships with others
  • Not losing control of your emotions
  • Free from addictions
  • Addressing Conflict with truth and love
  • Vulnerability
  • Not critical or Judgemental
  • Not jealous of others
  • Forgive those who have wronged you in the past
  • Know that you’re worthy of receiving love
  • Not afraid to fail
  • Able to manage irrational fear, worry, and anxiety
  • Selfless encounters with others
  • Not manipulating others trying to control their actions/reactions
  • You care about how others feel
  • Patient
  • Don’t give into peer/social pressure
  • Can communicate directly
  • Don’t take responsibility for other people's emotions
  • Take responsibility for your own emotions
  • Slow to anger
  • Ability to maturely express your wants, needs and desires
  • Being led by the Spirit


The Role of a Parent

The parenting you received impacts:

  • How you interact with the world
  • Your relationships
  • Your suffering
  • How much you suffer
  • What causes you to suffer

Parents responsibilities include

  1. Create a sense of safety
  2. Nurture
  3. To equip
  4. Encourage


Not Feel like they aren’t constantly in threat


Feed them

  • Physically
  • Spirituality
  • Emotionally


Making sure that the child feels that they have the tools that they need to interact with the world get out of the world what they are seeking

You experience suffering when you don’t have the tools to contend with the things you need  to in the world


Encouragement gives an indwelt sense of autonomy

  • Not afraid to try/fail


We discussed methods like

  • Disciplining
  • Etc.

This isn’t a lesson on how to raise children

  • We don’t need to come to agreement on parenting approaches today

Example: spanking

We aren’t going to argue whether or not spanking is right, but if you hold it against your parents because they spanked you and that is what we are addressing.

Our Parents Influenced How We See the World

Our Identity

We formulate our identity based off of what our parents thought about us

  • “You are a leader”
  • “You’re so stupid”

Our World View

  • An place full of betrayal and suffering
  • cynical
  • Deal with your problems nobly
  • Think they must earn love

What is Forgiving?

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.

The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.

  –Mayo Clinic

What Does it Mean to Forgive?

Forgiving is not

  • Pretending that it never happened
  • Forgetting what the person did
  • Trusting them
  • Letting them back in your life

Forgiveness is not necessarily

  • Reconciliation
  • Restored relationship

Forgiveness means

  • You no longer get angry when you think about it
  • They don’t owe you anything

You can still set boundaries

  • Including no contact

Forgiveness does not mean that I need to help you mistreat me

  • You need to get out of harm's way first

Forgiving Doesn’t Have Demands on the Person

They shouldn’t need to

  • Apologize
  • Admit they did it
  • Take the blame
  • See it from your perspective

Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

Matthew 18:23-35

23 “For this reason the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his slaves. 24 “And when he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 “But since he did not have the means to repay, his master commanded that he be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment be made. 26 “So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ 27 “And the master of that slave felt compassion, and he released him and forgave him the debt. 28 “But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe!’ 29 “So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ 30 “But he was unwilling, and went and threw him in prison until he would pay back what was owed. 31 “So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their master all that had happened. 32 “Then summoning him, his master said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 ‘Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ 34 “And his master, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he would repay all that was owed him. 35 “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

This is not warning of a future “hell”

There are two natures to the kingdom of God

  • The now – “within you“ here on earth today
  • Future heaven

Unforgiveness gives Satan an opportunity to be involved in your life

  • God will remove the “hedge of protection” from around you

The memory holds you in bondage

If we don’t forgive… Satan will come and torture you with a memory of what the other person did

Emotional Triggers

We get tortured when

  • Somebody says or does something similar
  • It triggers us
  • We remember that event

Why You Should Forgive

God Rewards You for Forgiving

Proverbs 25:21-22

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; 22 For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the LORD will reward you.

God reward you when you return good for evil

Unforgiveness Affects Your Character

You become like whoever you are angry at

  • You take on their identity

Example: a child of a loud drunk father who becomes a loud drunk father

It Impacts Your Relationship With God

Matthew 6:14-15

14 “For if you forgive other people for their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 “But if you do not forgive other people, then your Father will not forgive your offenses.

You aren’t being led by the Holy Spirit

Forgiving Is For You…Not Them

If you don’t forgive… The pain that you feel when it happened is still there

Forgiveness happens when you are done crying  – Stephanie Lynn

Drinking poison waiting for them to die – Steve Harvey.

More Reasons to Forgive

Ephesians 4:32

32 Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

The Bible tells us to forgive

Being amazed at how much you were forgiven

Colossians 3:12-13

12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also.

In the moments of worship

  • I feel most guilty for my own sins
  • I feel the magnitude of what it cost Jesus

I am least likely to be angry in those moments

I can’t celebrate being forgiven and seek revenge at the same time

Linger long about the cost of Christ

Trust that judgment will be done

God will settle the account for you

Romans 12:19

19Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.

Barriers to Forgiveness


“That’s not fair!!”

  • It’s not fair
  • It’s not your fault

We want justice to be done

We are wired to want fairness

Give it to God

“ i’m not gonna be the judge, jury, or executioner anymore“

Let God Settle the Injustice

They don’t deserve it

You're Not forgiving them because they deserve to be forgiven

  • You are forgiving them because you were commanded to by God.
  • You are forgiving out of obedience to God

You Deserve It

You heard the saying “time heals all wounds”
  • It doesn’t …
  • Time does not heal if you haven’t forgiven
  • You will have exactly the same pain and exactly the same anger

Righteous anger

Matthew 5:43-45

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may prove yourselves to be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

Righteous anger is often defined as “being angry about the same thing that God would be angry about”

  • Would Jesus have been angry about it?

Righteous anger that is not forgiven… becomes unforgiveness

Ephesians 4:28 in your anger do not sin. Do not let the Sun go down on your anger and give the devil a foothold

There is a time limit on your anger when it becomes unforgiveness

God is the Judge…Not You

“God executed judgment!”

  • You’re not God

Need for an Apology

You may never get an apology – Stephanie Lynn

A Need For Them to Acknowledge What They Did Wrong

Some people are caught up wanting their parents to acknowledge what they did

I want my parents to Acknowledge it

You are asking your parents to provide safety and encouragement in domains where they failed to provide safety and encouragement

You are asking them to
  • Show self-awareness
  • Nurture you in an area they may feel the deepest shame

What They Did Had 2 Consequences

  1. The surface harm
  2. Your emotional/mental state

If we see forgiveness in light of the act it doesn’t make sense

  • They don’t deserve it
  • It’s not going to reverse the action

Your current Emotional state

  • Emotional triggers
  • Bitterness
  • Not trusting anyone
  • Inability to have intimacy

If they said I’m sorry

  • If they admitted it…

Forgiveness is deciding that I’m going to take my healing upon myself

  • I need to be healed
  • I don’t need you to heal me

I don’t want to be dependent on them for my healing


An Example of Forgiving

Agon hare | TEDx NTU

His father stole all the savings and left him when he was 3 years old

his mom started beating him

His mom died at age 11

  • Father came to the funeral… Hugged him… And left

He became a really bad kid

He came to a Decision at 18

At 18 he made three decisions

  1. He changed his name
  2. He left home
  3. Realize he had to leave the past behind
  1. Including forgiving his father

“For me forgiveness was something that I deserved“

Sought to Understand His Dad

Often times the best way to forgive someone is to understand them

  • He started asking questions about his dad
  • I understand the story of what they went through

Told Court He Didn’t Want Money Dad Owed Him

The court said that his father had to pay him back a lot of money

He signed a document to relieve him from working years to pay it off

When his father came to pick it up from his grandparents, he didn’t say “thank you” or anything

Forgiveness set him free

  • He was no longer controlled by his father’s
  • Memory
  • Actions
  • Lack of actions

How Do You Honor Your Parents

Ephesians 6:2-3


We prescribe value to the parenting based on

  1. Position
  2. Relationship

The Position

You need to honor the position of motherhood/fatherhood

As our parents we want to still

  • Honor them
  • Pray for them
  • Wish them well

It’s impossible to love them unless you forgive

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Trust is Restored

17:23 - 21:03

  • … all of the things being equal you will die younger, so let go and it will be good for you

The Relationship

The level of relationship you should have is based on the reality of the relationship you had growing up

If they were good parents they deserve your

  • Time
  • Help
  • Assistance

Norm’s Didn’t Have a Relationship With His Dad

  • 23:14 - 24:14
  • … there’s no reality there

Instructor:  Michael Leadon


How to forgive your mother

Gene Wagstaff

how to forgive your father

Gene Wagstaff

How do I deal with Christian parents who don’t acknowledge that they abused me?

Desiring God

Forgiving your parents

Matthius Jay Barker

How forgiving my father liberated me

Agon hare | TEDx NTU

Forgiving your parents

Matthius Jay Barker

Finding happiness: how forgive him my mother radically changed my life

Sonja weyers | TEDx talks

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo Clinic

How to honor your abusive parents?

Barry Barnes

George Boyd

Forgiving somebody when they are not sorry

Stephanie Lynn coaching



Exodus 20:12

“Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the LORD your God gives you.

Proverbs 22:6

6Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he grows older he will not abandon it.

1 Peter 2:19-21 (NASB20) 19 For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person endures grief when suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. 21 For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in His steps,

1 Peter 2:21-23

21 For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in His steps, 22 HE WHO COMMITTED NO sin, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT found IN HIS MOUTH; 23 and while being abusively insulted, He did not insult in return; while suffering, He did not threaten, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NASB20) 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Honor Your Father and Mother

The command is simple. Children are to obey their parents. This not only means that children have the responsibility to obey, but parents have the responsibility to teach their children obedience — one of the most important jobs for a parent.

i. We don’t need to teach our children how to disobey because they have each inherited an inclination to sin from Adam — but obedience must be taught.

ii. It is essential that a parent teach the child obedience, so that the child will grow up knowing how to obey God even when he doesn’t understand everything or doesn’t want to.

iii. This is what all a parent’s discipline for a child must come to. Disobedience must be punished, so that obedience can be learned.

—David Guzic commentary

Leave Your Gift At the Altar

Matthew 5:23-25

23 “Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. 25 “Come to good terms with your accuser quickly, while you are with him on the way to court, so that your accuser will not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you will not be thrown into prison.

  • God puts more importance on us forgiving each other than he does on worship of himself

I am not to worship God if someone has been offended by me

I need to go to that person and attempt to make it right

It takes a great deal of humility to go to someone asked to be forgiven… When you have done nothing wrong

God doesn’t want the other person to be turned over to the devil and tortured

The goal is not for you to be innocent… The goal is for them to be free

  • You don’t need to give a bunch of Excuses why you weren’t in the wrong
  • You aren’t focusing on whether you are guilty or not

Scripture does it say whether you have done anything wrong or not

Example: “Jim walked right past me at church this morning“

If you don’t go to him… And every time he thinks about you he’s going to get angry

I love you walking to church and worship every Sunday when your spouse is mad at you

Imagine how different the worship service would be if everyone in church did this